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Found out husband was still cheating after he died


Lost99

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Lost, we are only human and all of us are subject to temptation. Some of us are strong enough to withstand temptation, but many are not. Just be aware that your husband's cheating was not your fault, rather it was an inherent flaw in his character. That didn't make him any the less a good person and a good husband, just a flawed one, a weak one.

 

In our 30-year marriage, my wife and I each had a close call. It would have been so easy to give in, and in my case it was past experience with the negative effects of cheating on a girlfriend, years before I met my wife, that gave me the wisdom to take a step back and say, no thanks. In my wife's case, it was support from me, her friends, and counselors that led her past the crisis.

 

Don't condemn your husband. Feel compassion for him. Not all of us are strong, and you had some good years with him.

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@Lost99  Hi, welcome here.  You are indeed going through complicated grief and so fresh in your grief.  To find things out AFTER they die is so hard to deal with because we can't ask them what the hell they were thinking or beat on their chest!  We don't have them to comfort us or give us answers.  But sometimes in real life we don't get those answers either.

One thing I have learned in processing my own husband's death (he wasn't cheating but he did go visit an XGF after we were married and she called a year after his death to talk to him) is to take the WHOLE of the man, not merely the part.  It's okay to feel anger, it's okay to miss him and love him at the same time, because ALL of your feelings are valid, even when they seem to be at odds with each other at the same time.  He wouldn't have stayed with you if he didn't have feelings for you.  I realize his cheating is unacceptable, and it's okay for you to tell him that now.  Many times in life we're called upon to forgive someone for something they haven't told us they are sorry for...it helps to understand that while it would make it easier to have their true repentance, we don't always get things in nice neat packages like that.  Sometimes we do it for us, so that what they did doesn't hold power over us or the ability to change us.

I encourage you to get grief counseling to help you navigate your way through this process and to help you heal.  

My husband came to me three weeks before he died and told me he'd been using Meth.  His boss got him on to it so he'd work faster.  I'm sure it didn't help his heart any, it thins the lining of it.  But with drugs comes lies and theft...in his case he stole from our household, leaving me $72,000 in debt and in the following year as I put two and two together I figured out the many lies he'd told me.  It made it really hard to deal with after his death.  I do thank God he came to me of his own volition and confessed to me, but even so, it was still hard as the full magnitude seeped in after his death.  I had to process and deal with each and every lie, each and every theft.  I had to remortgage my house to deal with the debt myself as I no longer had his income to help dig our way out of it.  I will be paying on my old broken down worn out mobile home and property until I am 80 years old, at a time when I'm retired and now everything is needing replaced on my home, roofs, ramp, stairs, supports, paint, flooring, etc. and I can't begin to pay for it all.  I have to do what I can and prioritize (roofing and repairs).  I previous had this home paid off before we were married.

I hate even talking about this now because I have processed it and let go of it by now...it's been 13 years since he died, and it's not how I want him remembered.  But I will do so if it can help someone else going through something similar.  

Understand that people are multifaceted and have all of these different things about them...most of those things may be good, but sometimes we do discover things about them after they pass that hurt us or change how we view them.  It's very tough to deal with.  My advice is not to saint him or villainize him either one, but realize him as a real human being that was both wonderful and lacking at the same time.  Cherish the good, try to forgive or let go of the bad.  It's neither simple nor quick, but it can be done, especially with professional help.

And keep coming here.  We get it.  We understand your feelings.  As Spengler so graciously pointed out, but for the grace of God, goeth I...

I am very sorry for your loss and for all you are going through.  (((big hugs)))

 

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It takes much time for us to process this...don't be surprised when the grief strikes in waves.  I've learned to ride them out, let the tears flow, smiles will come again.  This is a complex journey but we'll be here with you to see you through it.

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I don't know what state you're in, but in Oregon, if you didn't sign on the dotted line, you aren't responsible for it.  If the credit cards are in both your names, however, you are.  But there is always bankruptcy.  If it's with the IRS you can try to file to be exempt being as you didn't know what he was doing.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.  You're not only grieving the loss of your husband, but who you thought him to be.  You may never know what was going on in his mind.  To spend all that $ on other women and tell you he couldn't afford your Rxs, he sounds extremely selfish.  Addictions do that to people.  

I hope you will get some professional grief counseling as this is very complicated grief and it would help you greatly in figuring out how to proceed.  Even though you have the degree, it's a very different thing to go through.

I hope you're able to reach the point where you can realize that other men are not the same as your husband.  My daughter has been going through the breakup of her marriage, learning her husband is nothing like who she'd thought him to be, he's changed drastically, and she said if it wasn't for her brother, who has exemplary morals and character, she'd lose faith in men altogether, but thankfully she has one man she knows and looks up to that she knows is a true blue person.  Perhaps there's a man in your life, a father, friend, brother, who also is upstanding that can help your faith restore in men.  Whether man or woman, there's both good and bad in both, we just have to be so careful in figuring out which is which.  

If you can't trust at face value, check people out.  I've learned a lot from marriagebuilders.com about restoring trust.  I'm just so sorry you're going through this, I know what you are facing is beyond grief, it IS betrayal of the worst kind.

 

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Tom died May 25. He had a sex addiction. He was honest about it from the beginning of our relationship but it caused us ALOT of heartache. About 10 days before he died I asked him if he was acting out. The conversation did not go well and I was hurt...yet again. My reaction to these confrontations was to shut down. After a few days we went back to our normal. I intended to approach the subject again but he died before that could happen. My son found the porn on his computer and deleted it hoping to spare me. But he was honest when I asked him, which I was grateful for. Then I found the hidden creams and alcohol. I felt so betrayed. And furious that he wasn't here for me to confront. After a few days I could process better. I was fortunate in that I was aware of his struggles. This behavior was not new to me and I could have the conversation in my head that we had too many times in the past. I'm sorry for this lie that you found. I know the gut wretching pain of finding the man you love betraying your love with this kind of crap. This is very deep. Tom constantly told me this was not about me. And it's not. It's is about him and the means he used to deal with life. It's beyond unfair that he's not here for you to confront him. And that YOU may have the financial burden of cleaning up his betrayal. Please be kind to yourself right now. 

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My husband died of cancer this year. Since 2017 our relationship was not good because of his infidelity which he never admitted to. Whenever I confront him, he will try make me feel like it was just in my head. I could see things happening but I didn't have solid proof. I could not leave him because he was the bread winner, we have 2 kids and I was in college and he was taking care of all the expenses. I know he was still cheating in 2019 so I decided to leave the bedroom we were sharing. 2019 that's when he was diagnosed with cancer. My plan was to leave him when I finish college but he got sick and I couldn't leave him. 2020 he was in pain every day and I was the one to help him around. During the time of his death it was just me to support him and to hold his hand. I told him I forgive him when he was dying but he never told me he was sorry. Now four months after his death, I found videos he recorded with some random girl in a hotel room.

When he died I mourned him with so much love. He was a good father provided well for the family.

But after this discovery, I feel so much pain that he made me look like I was a crazy yet he new that I was right all the time. I feel so betrayed yet I miss him so much.

I so much want to remember him for good he was but I whenever I think of him now it's the betrayal that comes first. I don't know how I can go past the feeling because everyone knows him as the perfect husband.

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I am so, so sorry.  This is the hardest thing in the world for someone to put you through.  My husband confessed to me he'd been using drugs (his boss got him onto Meth so he'd work harder/faster).  It may be what hastened his death, he had just turned 51.  I am thankful he came clean to me of his own volition.  He was getting help.  But the whole year after his death I was still discovering lies/thefts from our household $...at the time he died we were $72,000 in debt (including medical left after ins.), prior to that I had no debt.  

It's on him that he didn't come clean with you or apologize.  He may have been trying to avoid hurting you but gaslighting you did NOT help!  I think it's important you get professional help for dealing with this.  How old are your kids?  Are you through with college yet?

You took the high road, even while he took the low road, you can always be proud of yourself for that.

I think it's important you confide in someone, perhaps a sister, a close friend, your mom?

I got a call from George's XGF a year after he died, she told me he'd traveled two hours to see her.  They just talked, like friends, this was after we got married.  I was working, I know he had a huge adjustment, moving away from everyone and starting anew in a different town, but it hurt and he wasn't here to talk about it with.  I couldn't beat on his chest and cry out to him or have him hold me!  

It took me time but eventually I was able to realize him in the WHOLE of him, not just the part, or the few things he did that hurt me.  It's easy to feel that everything you had was negated by the horrid thing they did on the home stretch.  It wasn't right, but in time I forgave him.  I wish it hadn't happened, but it did.  I did know he loved me, there was no doubt about that, but he did make some bad decisions.  I pray that you, too, will be able to reconcile it, for YOUR peace.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it helps to express yourself, and know you're heard & understood, we want to be here for you.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

On 8/16/2018 at 2:08 PM, adventure said:

And furious that he wasn't here for me to confront.

I get it, I truly do.  There's nothing fair about any of this!

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On 12/25/2020 at 12:05 AM, Glady said:

My husband died of cancer this year. Since 2017 our relationship was not good because of his infidelity which he never admitted to. Whenever I confront him, he will try make me feel like it was just in my head. I could see things happening but I didn't have solid proof. I could not leave him because he was the bread winner, we have 2 kids and I was in college and he was taking care of all the expenses. I know he was still cheating in 2019 so I decided to leave the bedroom we were sharing. 2019 that's when he was diagnosed with cancer. My plan was to leave him when I finish college but he got sick and I couldn't leave him. 2020 he was in pain every day and I was the one to help him around. During the time of his death it was just me to support him and to hold his hand. I told him I forgive him when he was dying but he never told me he was sorry. Now four months after his death, I found videos he recorded with some random girl in a hotel room.

When he died I mourned him with so much love. He was a good father provided well for the family.

But after this discovery, I feel so much pain that he made me look like I was a crazy yet he new that I was right all the time. I feel so betrayed yet I miss him so much.

I so much want to remember him for good he was but I whenever I think of him now it's the betrayal that comes first. I don't know how I can go past the feeling because everyone knows him as the perfect husband.

Thank you for sharing this. I noticed your post is from 2020. So recent. When I read your post, I could relate 100%. My fiance just passed unexpectedly Jan 30, 2021 at the age of 39. I just turned 51 in Feb. Yes, he was younger we had been together for 7 years. Whenever I would confront mine, he would tell me I'm going out to left field with things and he never did anything. I could also see things, or call it intuition, but he always made me feel like I was being ridiculous. Now after I look thru phone and text records from the phone company, I am trying to piece things together. There were definite "trys" of hook ups with other women. Not too frequent, but every couple months. But since I cannot see details of texts, I don;t know if he succeded or not. I'm still in the stage of investiagting. There is one number I am not sure if I will ever find out, but I am thinking he may have recently started an affair with someone, possibly at work, based on the times and dates. Makes me think she may have been married also, as the times and the number being so hidden from doing background checks. I am torn, because I feel so betrayed, as there were things I found, but feel guilty if I am being so mad, without any concrete proof, that he did have sex. It makes me mad enough, knowing he reached out and "tried" to have sex with another woman, thats enough to make me mad, as he always made me feel ridiculous for thinking something was going on. But because I don;t have 100% proof that he actually went thru with anything, I almost feel guilty being mad, because I don't know if he just tried and changed his mind out of guilt? I don;t like to see myself as stupid, but it's like I am grasping at he may not have actually had sex with another woman?!?! 

Am I being stupid? I know it's so hard to see and judge yourself when your in it, but maybe from someone else looking at it from the outside.

This is driving me crazy. I want to cry and miss him one moment and then be mad at him the next "if" he was cheating. But because I haven't seen 100% proof that he did have "sex" with another woman, Im driving myself nuts with wondering if I am wasting my time I could be grieving with the thoughts of if he did cheat. I wish I had the answer so I know how to really feel. I feel like it is something I can forgive him, if he did do it. He was kind of freaky and that is one of the things I loved about him. He is human and we are all tempted with things, some able to resist more than others. I've been telling myself, he wasn't perfect, but he was mine. But for my own knowledge I want to know what I am dealing with. 

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I am so sorry, but I really am glad you found this place.  I have been through so much in my life, there's not much I can't relate to, so when I read your story, it hits my heart.

Whatever he did or didn't do, it's not the details that matter, although it's natural for us to want to know exactly what happened.  He cheated.  Whether he actually had sex or not, he cheated.  The big thing is the secrets, lies, cover ups.  And gaslighting.  Oh how I hate gaslighting (where they try to make you feel YOU are crazy when you're actually spot on!  All to cover their tracks...)

NO YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!  

And it's okay to grieve even if he was a liar/cheat.  You see, people are complex.  They can have good points and bad points at the same time.  We grieve the good even while despising the bad.  What he did is NOT ACCEPTABLE, not in any circumstances!  If he were alive and you discovered all this, you would have a decision to make.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  Would you leave him?  You don't need to answer that now because  it's a moot point, thankfully.  But knowing all this may make it easier to leave in the past, I don't know, I really don't.  Or it may continue to bug you.  Honestly, I would see a grief counselor, this is complicated grief IMO.  

I too have had to forgive my husband his lies/theft from me for his drug use...to his credit he came clean three weeks before he died and he was in rehab.  I have hope we would have made it, but I also know it would not have been easy.  Perhaps it's that way for you, perhaps you would have made it over this hump in spite of all that he did.  In the end, we're left alone to deal with these hard things, without the benefit of talking it over with them or getting all the answers we feel we need.  

I hope you've read my response to OP above as I think it's applicable here too.  Also my "TIPS" article above.  I wish you the best going forward and hope you will continue to come here and read/post.  (((hugs))) 

 

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I finally figured out how to respond, lol.

KayC, thank you so very much for taking the time to respond and your wonderful advice. You have lessened my anxiety and going down the rabbit hole I was feeling. I was so caught up and needed something, reason for my reaching out on here. You kept it simple and straight to the point. Not mean, not one sided, exactly what I needed to hear.

Again, thank you so much for being here and sharing your pains and strengths xoxo

 

 

 

 

On 12/25/2020 at 12:05 AM, Glady said:

My husband died of cancer this year. Since 2017 our relationship was not good because of his infidelity which he never admitted to. Whenever I confront him, he will try make me feel like it was just in my head. I could see things happening but I didn't have solid proof. I could not leave him because he was the bread winner, we have 2 kids and I was in college and he was taking care of all the expenses. I know he was still cheating in 2019 so I decided to leave the bedroom we were sharing. 2019 that's when he was diagnosed with cancer. My plan was to leave him when I finish college but he got sick and I couldn't leave him. 2020 he was in pain every day and I was the one to help him around. During the time of his death it was just me to support him and to hold his hand. I told him I forgive him when he was dying but he never told me he was sorry. Now four months after his death, I found videos he recorded with some random girl in a hotel room.

When he died I mourned him with so much love. He was a good father provided well for the family.

But after this discovery, I feel so much pain that he made me look like I was a crazy yet he new that I was right all the time. I feel so betrayed yet I miss him so much.

I so much want to remember him for good he was but I whenever I think of him now it's the betrayal that comes first. I don't know how I can go past the feeling because everyone knows him as the perfect husband.

Thank you for sharing this. I noticed your post is from 2020. So recent. When I read your post, I could relate 100%. My fiance just passed unexpectedly Jan 30, 2021 at the age of 39. I just turned 51 in Feb. Yes, he was younger we had been together for 7 years. Whenever I would confront mine, he would tell me I'm going out to left field with things and he never did anything. I could also see things, or call it intuition, but he always made me feel like I was being ridiculous. Now after I look thru phone and text records from the phone company, I am trying to piece things together. There were definite "trys" of hook ups with other women. Not too frequent, but every couple months. But since I cannot see details of texts, I don;t know if he succeded or not. I'm still in the stage of investiagting. There is one number I am not sure if I will ever find out, but I am thinking he may have recently started an affair with someone, possibly at work, based on the times and dates. Makes me think she may have been married also, as the times and the number being so hidden from doing background checks. I am torn, because I feel so betrayed, as there were things I found, but feel guilty if I am being so mad, without any concrete proof, that he did have sex. It makes me mad enough, knowing he reached out and "tried" to have sex with another woman, thats enough to make me mad, as he always made me feel ridiculous for thinking something was going on. But because I don;t have 100% proof that he actually went thru with anything, I almost feel guilty being mad, because I don't know if he just tried and changed his mind out of guilt? I don;t like to see myself as stupid, but it's like I am grasping at he may not have actually had sex with another woman?!?! 

Am I being stupid? I know it's so hard to see and judge yourself when your in it, but maybe from someone else looking at it from the outside.

This is driving me crazy. I want to cry and miss him one moment and then be mad at him the next "if" he was cheating. But because I haven't seen 100% proof that he did have "sex" with another woman, Im driving myself nuts with wondering if I am wasting my time I could be grieving with the thoughts of if he did cheat. I wish I had the answer so I know how to really feel. I feel like it is something I can forgive him, if he did do it. He was kind of freaky and that is one of the things I loved about him. He is human and we are all tempted with things, some able to resist more than others. I've been telling myself, he wasn't perfect, but he was mine. But for my own knowledge I want to know what I am dealing with. 

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My husband just died on 11/30/20 at age 52 from a heart attack.  Two weeks after he died I went to cancel his subscriptions and noticed some payments to a phone number.  I googled the number and paid a site to get the info and found out it was a girl name.  Of course, it showed her info too.  I then checked our phone bill and that number was on it all the way back to Feb.  There was also another number from Oct 2019 until Feb.  It was hers too.  I got to adding up what he sent to the last number in google pay and then notice paypal payments.  And I was like wait a minute, I haven't seen anything from our acct.  So I looked in his wallet and found he had a credit card account linked to his stock acct.  So as I began to look at that acct I saw lots of transactions.  What he actually had given her was $19000 not including when they went out to eat, gas, him fixing her car, things at house, etc...  I was devastated when he died on the floor of our home gym in front of me but my heart shattered with this knowledge.   I felt like I was going crazy.

We were married 27 years and together 28, and this was one thing that I could have sworn would never had entered our marriage.  The other relationship started out as my husband helping/feeling sorry for her.  She did have a sad story (I have seen texts from his old phone...the new phone is password locked and I haven't been able to figure that out yet.)  She was living in a home with her kids and had wrecked her car.  Which my husband ended up buying my mom's car for her...he told his friend at work had somebody that came to town and had wrecked their car and needed one (lie 1).  He knew my mom was getting ready to sell hers. I asked if he got paid and he said yes (Lie 2).  I found out this from texts to the first number I noticed on our phone bill.  If he was legitimately trying to help this woman he wouldn't have kept it a secret from me,  His mind was already in the wrong place.  I don't know that they actually had sex (I am assuming so.)  I see where she says they can Link and Lick.  :wacko:. (and my husband would say he was thirsty:wacko:)  Almost all her texts are about money, my husband would tell her she was stressing him about money but he would still give her some...it may not be exactly what she asks.  But she tells him nothing cheap about her D.....That is definitely a true statement.  As far as eating out, my husband didn't even like eating out and most of the time he ate here at home before even seeing her.  He did have notes in his phone (because he couldn't talk to anyone about this; so that was his outlet) that he was or had ended it.  I can't wrap my mind around any of this.  It is like he was 2 different people, he was normal here however he had started drinking about everyday. (not getting drunk).  One of his notes said, my understanding of how you feel about me has changed.  It is somewhat liberating...He didn't have the same sense of responsibility.  What RESPONSIBILITY would he think he had???  Just from the texts I saw (this was Jan thru Mar) you could tell she was just using him for money...she didn't really care...she kept promising to "Treat" him,(Hotel Rooms--this didn't happen according to timeline--he even gave her money for the hotel).  As of March, they haven't had sex because they are talking about his size and she didn't know.  

I have checked his google timeline and can see everywhere he has been.  I don't understand how he couldn't see she was manipulating and deceiving.  I feel like he just got in and it was hard to get out of.  I wouldn't be surprised if she was even using blackmail (I'll tell your wife--yes she knew he had a wife).  So I get to grieve him dying right in front of me, what I thought my marriage was and the man I thought I knew.  I never would have known anything if I hadn't have found the payments...he was apparently good at compartmentalizing the two lives he had.  Unfortunately, my son found out about the affair the same day my husband died because we had used his thumb to unlock his new phone so we could get his work phone numbers out of it and she ended up texting that afternoon.  Accused my son of lying about it, like we had just found out about her and that was us saying he died so she wouldn't contact him anymore.  He met her at work (although they didn't work in the same departments), so she would have seen him again if we were lying about his death.  Of course, the name she was under in his phone was Chris (her name was Chrystal).. My son did see a few texts between them but nothing sexual.  But my husband kept most texts deleted.  

This is so devastating.  I know this is just a small amount of time of our marriage but I don't know how to overcome all this.  I am mad at myself for not knowing and confronting him, how could he still tell me he loved me everyday and get into bed with me every night?

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Banker281, I am so sorry to read what you are going thru. It's hard enough to grieve the unexpected passing of someone we love, but then to have to grieve about what we found out on top of it, is devastating. Read some of the prior posts on this topic, if you have not already. They helped me some. Especially KayC, she is an angel sent with words of wisdom. I also found out mine was cheating after he died. It is such a horrible thing to have to go thru. So many unanswered questions, but like KayC said, even if they were still alive, we may not have gotten answers either. So now that they are dead, in a weird kind of way, it is doing us a favor. I can't help but think of the little things I found out about, what was there that I didn't find out about? But that doesnt matter anymore. I struggle daily. Some days mad and angry at him, others missing him and how could he have done this to me, feeling bad for him, what did I do wrong, etc... sometimes all in one day at different hours. Best thing I have heard is to not judge your feelings, just feel them. all of them, even if they are not making sense. I know the feeling of feeling like your going crazy. I found for myself, i started a journal. I only write in it, when I feel like it. sometimes I write about my feelings, sometimes I write to him, sometimes i write about the good times we had that I missed, sometimes I swear at him... but every time I always seem to feel better after I wrote them down and got them out. I also found googling about different things that I am feeling at the time I am feeling them, helps me. To start reading and focus on something else about what I am feeling. I found  reading about cheating husbands in general helps, even though their husbands are still alive, there is alot of similarity in feelings and doesnt matter alive or dead. Do not be mad at yourself, you trusted and believed in your marriage, there is nothing you should be mad at yourself about, be mad at him. It took me a little while to be mad at him, but eventually I did and thats ok. ((Big Hugs))

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@Banker281  I am so sorry!  I think this has to be the hardest situation of all because you spent your lives together, he was someone you knew and loved, but trying to reconcile this with the other person that he was is so hard, especially since he's not here to answer any questions.  We have to create our OWN closure, barring lack of any answers from them.  You are bound to have ambivalent feelings, feeling the love/missing him AND the anger at his betrayal!  Both feelings are valid ones, allow yourself to feel them.  Maybe it's just as well you can't get into the other phone, but I think there are places that you can take them to that can unlock them as sometimes they're sold locked on eBay and someone has to know how to do it or they wouldn't buy them.  You could start with your provider.  I'm not sure I'd want to know but knowing my curiosity, it'd probably win out.  The question is, what do you do with the information you've gleaned?  You may want to see a professional grief counselor since this is complicated grief to say the least.

My husband wasn't cheating on me, but I discovered secrets after he died, it was hard.  He'd been using Meth, and every $ he pulled from our household money (which went against my home I had paid for before we were married as it was a credit line on it) was covered by lies.  He did confess three weeks before he died and was getting treatment but he didn't provide details and all of those lies caught up with him AFTER he died, the first year or so especially.  He also sold my truck to pay for his drug use and then lied about it, saying he'd pulled something too heavy and ruined the engine.  I didn't see how he could be so stupid!  He wasn't.  A year after he died I got a call from his XGF and she told me he'd visited her shortly after we were married.  I know he was lonely as I was working and he'd relocated to be with me and didn't know anyone, it took him a while to build a life for himself here, BUT he lied to me about it!  Our agreement was we'd see others TOGETHER, not alone!  Even though I believe with all my heart that he loved me I felt incredibly betrayed by his keeping that from me.  In time I learned to accept the whole off the man, and realize he had different facets to him, not just the one I'd known/seen.  But man that's hard to do when they've died and you want to demand answers from them, want to see sorrow/regret etched in their face, want to see them try to make amends, as if they could!  It changes things.

Your anger is justified.  At some point it will be important for you to forgive him...not for his sake, but for yours.  Unforgiveness changes us, changes who we are so it's like throwing a dagger, only to have it come back to YOU!  It's unfair, no doubt about it.  Because of HIS actions, you're having to go through all of this!  And there's nothing fair about it.  The best thing we can do is go on to create as best a life as we can for ourselves and include a little happiness if possible.  And that takes time.  We can start today but it might take years to accomplish.  I hope you will read and save my "tips" as some of it will speak to you today but other parts not until further down the road as this is an ever-evolving journey.  It does not stay the same (thank God!) and is not stagnant.  If it's any consolation, I have learned so much in the last nearly 16 years since he died, that it has been rich...still I would trade it all to have him back for five minutes!   You may not feel that way and that is totally understandable!  I do want you to know there is "life afterwards" for us, and you will get through this.  I invite you to come here and post any time, you don't have to sugar coat it either.  We get it. :wub:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

@Nicolecm  Ditto to everything you wrote!  I love how you are progressing, I know it's probably the hardest thing you've ever been through, but you've learned much through this and I'm glad you're here for someone else with what you've learned. :wub2:

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I know exactly how you feel as I too am struggling to grieve because of what of know my husband was. I actually found out some of it 6 years ago and we separated then but got back together as I thought I was giving him another chance. A year ago I discovered a secret phone and found that in the years between he had not stopped messaging and meeting women but the pandemic made a formal separation impossible. 
 

I have such conflicting emotions. He was the kindest, most loving and devoted husband who would do anything for me - yet he could not stop this behaviour. He loved his life with me and I worked hard in the past year to give him everything he needed - love, affection, sex, affirmation, yet still he was (very innocuously) exchanging messages with someone so I know it would have continued to be an issue. He wouldn't have been able to help himself. I know that. But why?? When I was there to help him. It's the most frustrating part of my grief not understanding why.
 

I hold a lot of anger and when I feel sad or low I read the awful messages or look at the awful pics, to remind myself who he really was. One friend knows so that's helpful but my grief is so complex I don't know where to turn. I'm angry that he has disrupted my life by taking his. That I've now got to go through difficult times and a new relationship (or several) to find happiness. Another element is that, if I'm truly honest, I probably wasn't entirely happy with him but these discoveries made me cling, and desperately want to help him. I loved him very much. I now think he was terribly depressed but masked it. His family do that. I wish I could press fast forward on my life and skip the next few months of selling and moving away and move straight to happiness. I struggle to remember truly happy memories as so much of our life is marred by what he did. 

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Oh @Raw, I am so sorry!  This does indeed complicate our grief, each secret we discover, esp. when we thought we knew them.  That he took his own life give you yet another layer to deal with.  I hope you will find a support group for suicide survivors, it can help.  It may very well have been his secrets/guilt that drove him to do it.  I hope you realize none of this was your fault or doing in any way.

I hope you will print the article I listed above on tips as it is for ALL grievers going through this.  In addition, I hope you will find the following helpful:

Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

Suicide: The Turning Point: An Inspirational Quote 8.2.18 - AfterTalkAfterTalk
 

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Oh my gosh, Jade, you are going through a lot!  This man was a liar and a cheat willfully for quite a while and yet your daughter cuts of contact with YOU?!  No, that's just wrong.  I know how hard it is trying to be the parent of young adults, especially when you're alone, but we have no control over them or their reactions.  We can point things out as they are receptive but beyond that, nothing we can do, we have to let them figure their own way.  I am sorry you have this to deal with on your already full plate.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist to help you through this, it's a lot.  We can still love/miss the person we knew them to be even while angry with them for the lies, etc they told!  It doesn't have to make sense, feelings just are what they are, neither right or wrong, they just are what they are.  And everything you feel is valid and for valid reason.

I am sorry for your loss but I am also sorry for what he put you through.  (((hugs)))  You will realize just how strong/tough you are when you have some survival time under your belt, but it takes time to process all this and make our way through it.  My sister just told me how strong I am...I don't recall getting a choice.  ;)  It's been 16 years June 19/Father's Day.  I didn't see how I could do this a week but here I am.  I've learned to take it one day at a time and try not to take on the whole "rest of my life" as I have anxiety anyway and don't need more added to it!  This has been an evolutionary journey, for sure!  I've learned more in the last 16 years than in the rest of my life put together but I'd trade it all for five min. back with him...but I'm not sure I'd feel that way if he'd cheated on me.  His secrets were the lies he told to cover his drug use.  He left me with $72,000.00 in debt against a house I'd had paid off when we married!  And with all of it...lies, which I discovered after his death.  For a whole year I kept discovering things.  I never dreamed...if I'd wanted a liar I could have stayed with my kids' dad!  But you were married for 50 years, that's a lifetime, and it must feel surreal to think you didn't know the real him like you thought...you knew what he wanted you to think.  :(  My heart goes out to you.  
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Jade, 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

The confusion and hurt cause by his writing those emails is totally understandable.  I am glad you have a counselor to help you process the information. 

I am so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found  this forum.  We we will offer you what comfort we can as we all strive to find a path forward.

Hugs,

Gail

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Oh @Jade1031, mine may not be as intense since he was my boyfriend (LDR, never met) but my love for him was real and true. I found out about two other women after he died when I saw on his obituary someone refer to him as her 'boyfriend' (this was a few days after he died) and his ex telling me they were on again and off again since January this year so... I feel you. I asked him many times if he wanted to go through with the process of us being together and bringing me to the US because it would consume a lot of time and money- he said yes. He hated when I acted like I didn't trust him, and being accused of cheating. Being told "I wouldn't cheat because I've been cheated on and it sucks."

Sorry for that rant today is one of those days when the emotion is anger. What I've learned so far is that all feelings are valid- you are allowed to miss him, be sad, and be angry. This isn't an easy thing we're both going through but just go through YOUR process. Unfortunately we'll have to deal with the pain without them (the man), so it is tough- and I get you. Some days I cry and miss him, some days I don't even 'talk' to him or acknowledge him and want to blame him for the pain he's caused me.

I hope your therapist has been able to help and your daughter understands your situation a bit more.

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@Jade1031  I am so sorry for all you are going through as well.  My sorrow for your loss and for the sense of betrayal you must feel.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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On 6/7/2021 at 7:23 AM, KayC said:

My sister just told me how strong I am...I don't recall getting a choice. 

This really hit home for me. In the earlier weeks of grief, my sisters would tell me how strong I was. I didn't feel strong but I remember thinking "what other option do I have?" 

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Exactly.  I don't recall how I felt when she said it...resentment?  Rebellion?  Too tired to even define anything anymore.

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I googled how to handle your emotions when finding out your spouse was cheating after they die… this thread popped up. He passed on 9/6/21.. Here I am 18 days later with my emotions all over the place. I’m hurt, I’m pissed, I want him back and feel betrayed all at once, bc his infidelities and more than one possible baby has been popping up like wild fire. I had no clue of the children and neither does any of his family. We had issues with cheating in the past but he promised it was something of the past. Now I find out that he only got better at hiding it. 18.5 years and because of all that has surfaced I am angry bc at times I feel like maybe I never knew the love of my life as well as I thought. I wonder if he was truly happy bc I mean if he was why the cheating! And the possible children! It’s hard, how or do I even explain this to our children? Idk, I feel idk anything at the moment. I knew he had a problem but I thought we and he was better than all this.. I’m hurt for so many reasons right now! 

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Tisha, 

I am so very sorry for your loss, and for the confusing truths you discovered after his death. I can't really imagine the pain these revelations have caused you.  But I know the grief of losing the man you loved and depended on, and it is terrible. No matter what he was doing, your love for him was true. Your dreams for your future together were real. Your loss is life shattering, without all the other drama. Layering on the infidelity and betrayal makes this terrible loss so much harder to process.  My heart breaks for you. 

I hope your internet search led you to other sources to help you process this grief. 

I hope you will come here and vent, cry, share, question or just read other's posts. Although our circumstances differ, the pain we suffer as we try to cope with the loss of our loved one, often has many similarities. 

Gail

 

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15 hours ago, Tisha Nolan said:

I’m hurt, I’m pissed, I want him back and feel betrayed all at once

ALL of your feelings are valid!  All of them at once.  Love, missing, hurt/anger, all of it.  I want you to understand that you didn't cause any of this, none of iit is your fault, he made choices because of HIS own personal problems, wrong choices for his own insecurities, lack of ability to effectively communicate or handle things in a constructive way.  Because of that, YOU are suffering.  For your own sake, it will be important to forgive him, but it doesn't have to be today.  Today it's okay to feel love, hate, anger, cry, etc.  You may find yourself wanting to know all of the details...you may NOT want to know anything!  ALL of the above is understandable.  I hope you have a close friend you can confide in, someone you can count on to not try to undermine your love for him though as that's not helpful as a whole.  The fact is, you love/d him.  You had something with him.  Just because all of this may make you question everything doesn't mean you don't still love him...or him you.  He may not have even known why he did it!  It's so much harder learning this AFTER they died because we can't beat on their chest and yell at them and have them hold us and tell us they're sorry.  But I'd be willing to bet if he's looking in, he IS sorry!  Maybe write to him and tell him everything you're feeling and then burn it, let the vapors carry the message to him.  Whether they hear us or not isn't even the point, it's in TELLING them!  We need to have our voice heard.

We've lost not only them but our future, our plans, our hopes and dreams...we're left scrambling to figure out how to assimilate all that's been dumped on us in such a short time!  And that w/o a manual.  I hope you will get a good grief counselor. 

You may have seen this posted already but I want to make sure you have it to save/print as we go through much evolution in our grief journey, what strikes you one day will be something else the next, and on down the road.  I am so sorry for your loss and all of the pain you are going through.  We want to welcome you here.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Ive been up for hours. Can't sleep and can't stop my brain. My husband was recently hospitalized and is on a ventilator. Minutes after i left his side so they could intubate him i found out he has been having an affair. Im lost and angry and scared. 

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I am so sorry.  Just know that all of your feelings are valid and not wrong.  Is he still alive then?  If you lose him to death your feelings will likely be all over the place, grieving him, your marriage, the good parts, but angry with him for the wrongs.  One of the hardest things is not being able to ask him questions, get answers or apologies from him.  Sometimes we have to assume it when we can't get it.  We have to tell ourselves the answers in their stead.

Humans are complex creatures.  Yes he broke your trust and that can seem a deal breaker.  If he dies you won't know if you could have made it through this intact or not...you can assume it though by what you do know to be true about him.  And had you not, you would have survived whole, not broken by anyone/anything.  It's a hard thing to wonder upon.  You are undoubtedly angry...anger stems from hurt and you have a lot of pain, who wouldn't!  If he does survive this the two of you can work on this (if you so choose).  

Have you made contact with the other person?  

I am just so sorry you are going through this.  I hope you have a trusted friend/sister, someone to talk to about it, pastor?  I want to be here for you as you go through itt if you want me to.  Your feelings are not only valid but you deserve respect and consideration.  Right now everyone is undoubtedly circling around HIM, but YOU are important and deserve respect and validation also, so don't lose sight of that.

I hope this article is of help to you...remember this is a process, you don't have to figure/resolve all at once, it will likely be bit by bit.  So will forgiveness if we let it...not for them, for ourselves, so we don't let it have the power to change who we are at our core.  It's about owning our own power.  Forgiveness does NOT mean it was okay, it wasn't.  Forgiveness does not mean accepting more of the same.  Forgiveness does not even mean continuing wiith that person, that's another topic tto figure out for yourself.  Forgiveness can have a beginning but may take a while too.
Death of cheating spouse
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic

Eight Keys to Forgiveness | Greater Good
Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk

 

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Seem that i can relate to what this woman is going through. Recently i lost my partner of 19 years to COVID-19,it was a very difficult time as i set bed side for more than 40 days watching the only woman i have ever been in love with slowly slip away. Devastated can't begin to describe how i felt. But a few days later I find out that the other thing that means more than life itself to me isn't even mine. Referring to"our" 8 year and 9 month old daughter. I've been disabled for over 15 years,so I'm home daily with this child. Her only one, while I have 3 other children. My point is I've been in this girl's life much more than my older kids,so I seem to have more of an attachment to this one. Now when I should be feeling remorse and be trying to grieve i have feelings of anger and hate and betrayal,on top of that i feel I've been living a lie. To be manipulated in this way has tore me up mentally and I'm not sure if I can work through this. Not only has this crushed my life, it may very well crush a baby girls life along the way. Hope this doesn't make her lose both parents. Feeling like a big portion of my life has been stolen from me. Maybe it's just self pity,  IDK.  Need help, help from anywhere. So lost and lonely.

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@Dave 54 I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry for the revelations you have learned since her death. 

I know you will try your best to lovingly support your daughter.  She is innocent in this matter. 

My heart breaks for you both. 

Gail

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@Dave 54 i know it's a shock! 

But you have a love relantioship with this little girl...for me love counts more than blood!

She is innocent and need you...please don't refuse her! You need her love too!

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1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

@Dave 54 I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry for the revelations you have learned since her death. 

I know you will try your best to lovingly support your daughter.  She is innocent in this matter. 

My heart breaks for you both. 

Gail

Seem that i can relate to what this woman is going through. Recently i lost my partner of 19 years to COVID-19,it was a very difficult time as i set bed side for more than 40 days watching the only woman i have ever been in love with slowly slip away. Deviated can't begin to describe how i felt. But a few days later I find out that the other thing that means more than life itself to me isn't even mine. Referring to"our" 8 year and 9 month old daughter. Ive been disabled for over 15 years,so I'm home daily with this child. Her only one, while I have 3 other children. My point is I've been in this girl's life much more than my older kids,so I seem to have more of an attachment to this one. Now when I should be feeling remorse and be trying to grieve i have feelings of anger and hate and betrayal,on top of that i feel I've been living a lie. To be manipulated im this way has tore me up mentally and I'm not sure if I can work through this. Not only has this crushed my life, it may very well crush a baby girls life along the way. Hope this doesn't make her lose both parents. Feeling like a big portion of my life has been stolen from me. Maybe it's just self pity,  IDK.  Need help help from anywhere. So lost and lonely.

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I am so sorry both for your loss and your discovery, @Dave 54.  To learn secrets AFTER they die is truly hard.  I am sorry you learned that your daughter is not biologically yours.  I would see a counselor for advice on how/when to let her know, I would do what is best for her in this.  You have a bond with her, you are every bit her father.  Yes, you've been living with your wife's lie, and that's very hurtful and shocking!  You are not the first here who has learned such secrets after their death.  It can leave a person floundering, not even knowing if they SHOULD grieve or how to feel!  My answer to that is, you will have feelings up/down good/bad, it will feel a lot to navigate by yourself.  Know that each and every one of your feelings is valid and okay.

We want to be here for you as you go through this.  Vent, cry, sceam!  Grief in itself is a LOT to deal with, but grief with discovered betrayal can make a person feel over the edge.  You will get through this.  One day at a time.  Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to?  I really hope you will get a grief counselor.  

Remember, you still love your wife, and it's okay to have strong feelings of hate too for what she did.  What's not okay is to stay in it.  But you will need to experience it, and eventually learn to process it, forgive her (for YOUR sake) and create your best life possible.  This will take time and is a process, and will require effort.  The good memories you have were real and still exist.  Even though there were parts to her you did not know!  I want to start by saying forgiveness does NOT mean it was okay!  There was nothing okay about it!  Forgiveness does not mean it was acceptable, it was not.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 


Death of cheating spouse
Eight Keys to Forgiveness | Greater Good
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic

Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk

 

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@Lost99I'm so sorry you have experienced what sounds like a nightmare because there is no closure.  How do you get the answers you need? You won't? We can always think of the negative that will lessen our grief . In your case you dont have to "think " the negative stares you in the face. You have to follow your instincts on this one.  Perhaps things were revealed to you at the time it was revealed for a reason . You have to find what that reason is...perhaps it's to lessen your Grief and help you to put things into perspective. It may be for your protection (mentally) to allow you to accept your loss.  I can only speculate how it would make me feel and it wouldn't be a good feeling. Is there anyone you can speak with that knows him to help you make sense of it? Whatever you do don't beat yourself up and blame yourself. You have enough on your plate. Think of the good times or the times you know he was truthful about his feelings for you and focus on what you had in that moment because in that moment is what counts. 

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Hello everyone and deepest sympathy for your losses, sadly I am finding myself in a similar situation.

This week coming up it will be three months since my husband suddenly died, and it feel like eternity. His death came out of nowhere(so I thought), nobody could believe it, including himself, I'm sure. He thought he was invincible.

Chris was just 34, we had been together for 7 years, married 3.5 years; he didn't even make it to the 4 year mark. And we had been talking about throwing a repeat wedding party when we make it to our 5th anniversary. What a joke...

Chris was getting out of military within 2 months, after having served for 14 years. We had everything planned out to move, we put an offer on a new house in NJ 3 days before his death, and we were undergoing IVF. I was in Europe for 4 weeks dealing with the docs and he visited me twice, one week at a time, then was coming back to the States since he also had been working for a tech start up in NJ. Most of his work duties were done remotely. However he did travel to some events every now and then, whether it was Miami, NY and coming up in mid February Los Angeles. I was not too crazy about the company's culture and what they were engaging with. They are pushing their product onto artists, and they arrange different type of events at venues where alcohol and probably frugs are involved. I was concerned about this but not too worried, especially when my husband assured. he has everything under control. Little did I know this employment could be our biggest nightmare.

My husband had gone through rough time in 2021 in the army, hence his decision to leave but also hit the lowest of the low with alcohol and, I learnt that later, cocaine use. I had no clue that drug was his "candy" in the past. He hid everything so well, typical well functioning addict, and very successful at his military career. He joined rehab program in May '21 which lasted 6 months. The beginnings were hard but he pushed through and came out almost a brand new person at the other end; clear minded, pleasant, sweet and the way I fell in love with him. He continued AA meetings, but late November I noticed he would skip the every now and then.

In the past weeks I guess I noticed erratic behavior, he would lose his cool quick, but did not pay it any attention; he had been impulsive ever since I could remember anyway. I was just about to come back to the US in two days, we spoke, and he said he would call me back after his Zoom call. And he never did... I only started to get worried many hours after he didn't reach out. Little did I know he was laying on the floor in our living room lifeless. I had to call our neighbor to check on him, and from that moment the worst tragedy of my life has begun. Shocking news from the detective that it looks like an overdose. Overdose? What? Why? How is this even possible?? That's the book of questions that accompanied me for the past 2.5 months, while waiting any answers from the medical examiner and trying to get to my husband's phone. At the scene in our house another shocker, syringes that seemed to have been used by my husband. Including residue on the kitchen counter of white powder, "snow" most likely he managed also to snort. But why?? When did he go back to it? And those droplets of blood shooting from his arm on the kitchen counter and sink. He was out of control. This could not have been my husband...

Fast forward to barely 2 weeks ago, I finally started to get answers from his phone and some credit card statements. He was making cash app purchases already mid November, and those seem to be drugs. I was with him every day until I had to leave before Christmas, and noticed nothing. Then obviously he had freedom while alone in the house. During his trips to Europe I'm pretty sure he wasn't able to use, I was with him all the time. What is so hurtful is that he was already using when he left his seamen at the clinic. What I'm learning from his phone is another story. He managed to have sex with random women he met at bars, pay for a prostitute once or twice, and even screw someone from military, which on its own lacks any morals; for both of them. He also reengaged with the crowd from last year, the crowd we were trying to escape from, and I thought we did by moving an hour away. He was doing coke and screwing this female, the one who had to call 911 last year when he lost consciousness. He went back to that crowd. One night after hanging up the phone with and saying goodnight to me, he then goes out and screws some random girl from a bar in the back alley. While visiting me in Europe, he sends nudes of his penis to the girl from military, already making "passionate" plans upon his return. By this time, I'm guessing you all get the picture...

So my grief and guilt that I was not here to get him help has shifted to anger, disgust and let down. Until another morning comes, and just like a roller coaster, brings a day pf grief again and pain that I still would want him to be here, despite all the damage he had done. Because I truly love him, he was my person I wanted to grow old with, and hold hands with while experiencing life. Nobody has ever been able to make me feel the way he did, and I do know he loved me, he was not faking that part. But he decieved me on so many different levels. I wish he was here to explain himself, he's almost lucky he's dead and having to face it. I don't know how we would come back from this. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and blame it all on changed brain chemistry, but can I? Does cocaine make you that ruthless and rid of any conscience? Really? Or you develop split personality disorder? Him not being here with me is numbing in itself, all the other pieces of information is way more than I can handle. I lost everything I was hoping for the day he died. I do not know how to restart my life, I do not have any plan, but also any desire to make plans at this moment. I am just trying to make it through each day. I feel humiliated, hurt, fatigued and just robbed of the things in life, that are granted to a young couple. 

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated. Thank you.

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@Robala this is sooooo sad on so many levels. I'm sorry you are going through the process of grieving for your love BUT to compound the grief you have to process the deceit, the betrayal and the worst part is he is not here to answer any questions you may have but I believe you have your answers.  There's 2 sayings that I believe to be true 1)what's done in the dark will come to light and 2) if it doesn't come out in the wash it will definitely come out in the rinse. This is so much for you to have to deal with but I don't believe there were no stones left unturned in your situation.  As a health care provider I would first recommend that you see your doctor and get a thorough check up only because you revealed he was engaging in risky behavior on many occasions and you still have life and you have to make sure you're ok. Don't beat yourself up too bad you did nothing wrong . You have to remember addiction in itself is a disease.  I'm not an addiction  counselor but you hold the key to forgiveness....you may not be able to do it right now so allow yourself to grieve your "loss" and allow yourself to process everything else as it comes...you won't be able to do it all at once. There are so many supportive and kind people on this site so you will get a lot of support here. Everyone's circumstance is different but we all share the burden of grief.  Hang in there as best you can.  Remember grief is a combination of many different emotions. Sending hugs to you .

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@Robala  I see you've resurrected this old thread...everything I wrote for the other person going through this is applicable for you also, so I'm going to post it all again, this time for YOU...even years from now you can come here and click on your profile, activity, beginning post, and you will find this exact spot.  You will remember what you experienced this day and find the responses to your post.

I am so sorry for your loss, and especially the entanglements you encountered!  Love can seem complicated sometimes, as complicated as humans...some compartmentalize, perhaps your partner was one of those, it's hard for us to understand, how did this person love me and do what they did to me!  Perhaps they didn't regard it that way, perhaps they felt what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you, not realizing that what they do has implications (very much so) in what you shared, the intimacy of your relationship, not to mention violation of your trust.  You must want to have him back to pound on his chest and cry/scream at him and demand answers!  You want apologies, profound ones!  And I'm sure he'd give them.  But even so it would take much time to rebuild trust!  Efforts/actions to prove it, being an open book to you, coughing up all passwords, cellphone, email access, accounting of time.  People don't like that, but it's what it'd take.  But this isn't afforded you, it's the worst violation one can leave their spouse with!  

Just know that we are all so sorry you find yourself in this horrid situation, one not of your choice or making.  It's unfair.  Damned unfair!  I am very sorry on your behalf!

There is getting through this...try not to let it change the wonderful person YOU are, but your boundaries are not set in stone, even STRONGER than ever before, if possible!  
My husband was not "cheating" but did not use the best judgment as it turns out.  He was having symptoms of cardiovascular distress, he had a hard physical job and his company regularly broke lifting restrictions, etc.  His supervisor got him hook on Meth, he thought he had to do it for energy so he wouldn't lose his job/income/my medical insurance.  Wrong decision.  He confessed to me three weeks before he died.  I stayed up all night, researching it...printed a pile for him to read, another, a list of what I required to stay with him!  I had statistics, most of the foster care in OR is because of someone using.  It takes an average of 7 tries to get off the drugs!  I didn't care about the $, medical insurance, he could have pumped gas locally for all I cared!  As it turned out, one of the things it does is damage the lining of the heart, thins it so it creates stress on it, add that to blocked arteries, it's a recipe for disaster.  He was also diabetic and that contributed.  5 days after his 51st bdy he died, on Father's Day.  At least I had the consolation (phone records & what I saw) that he was doing everything he could to follow the roadmap back.  Had he lived, he'd have been severely disabled, no more job, but I'd have still had him and we could still go on rides, fish, camp, talk with each other, love each other.  That wasn't to be.  I hated his job for what they did, the first thing I did was get rid of his clothes associated with it (carharts), steel toed boots, thermos/mug awards, etc.  The place went under a couple years later, I was glad.

Forgiveness is essential, not for him, but for ourselves!  Without which it's like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die!  We don't want to hold bitterness in our hearts, it's destructive to us. You feel anger, a symptom of hurt, that is understandable!  You may feel that for some time.  But try not to stay there. ;)

Come here, talk, vent, we're here for you.  Remember, there is the WHOLE of the person, not just the part, pretty much everything you feel is normal in these circumstances and you can feel love/hate/missing/anger all at the same time!  They aren't at odds with each other, not at all, but rather all linked to parts of the person you knew or have since learned about.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Death of cheating spouse
Eight Keys to Forgiveness | Greater Good
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic

Sarah Montana: Why forgiveness is worth it | TED Talk

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@RN-Nix @KayC thank you for your swift reply. This week it'll be 3 months since he is gone. Life is blooming all around, people still carry on daily activities, and I am reminded every minute how he has left me. It's getting to the point I feel guilty taking up people's time to talk about same topic over and over again. And it is not even about how broken I am about his passing anymore, it's 100 times worse than that, because he led a double life. My soul mate, best friend, the only person i felt fully comfortable with, the only person I wanted to be intimate with, the person who was going to be allegedly a great father.

As I'm processing his phone messages everyday, I studied calmly the one involving the female from the past with whom he was doing dugs with. It reads she was short on cash for her portion of "candy" and wanted to lent it from my husband, and he casually offered to release the sexual tension between them and would take a quick session instead. How noble.

This weekend nobody was available to talk to, they have their lives and families to tend to. I completely understand that. But it was also a striking reality check that the life as I knew it has ended. And I do not where to start or turn to. Always an independent person and an introvert, this is the first time I am uncomfortable by myself. My safety and security blanket is gone, so is the life we were trying to build. The radio silence is eery. 

Despite all the damage my husband did, why do I still have moments of guilt? I feel guilty I had not returned with him to the US that weekend. He constantly would remind me how much calmer and better he felt in my presence. He would remind me I was the reason he was still alive, and I know deep in my heart it was the truth. I was keeping him alive until that feral day when i could't anymore. Why couldn't I? Why did this happen, why God took him away from me? To save me? I wonder at times if he knew he was dying, the moment he fell out of the chair where he was sitting by the living room table while doing Zoom calls. If he thought of everything he was about to lose, by making that stupid mistake of doing drugs. If he saw his deceased mother yet once again, like he did a year ago when he overdosed... I do not have any report yet but it I suspect it was either a heart attack attack or a stroke. I don't even think the cocaine was laced with fentanyl. My husband completely lost humility and did not think anything would happen to him. He is no longer suffering anymore, but when I "talk to him out loud" in all different ways, I hope he sees me suffer and feels my agony. He has not manifested himself yet in any way other that some dreams. Maybe he is ashamed of everything he did, if the spirit is the real deal...

 

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Cheating husband died
Death of cheating spouse

 

11 hours ago, Robala said:

I feel guilty I had not returned with him to the US that weekend

It is common to feel guilt for their death, but feelings do not make us guilty of anything!  Rather, it's not so much that we did anything wrong but we're looking for a way for some possible different outcome because the one that happened is so unfathomable!  We can't wrap our heads around it!  We feel we can't live with what we're handed!  It feels too much to go through.

I want to assure you that you can and you will, one day at a time, one step at a time, little by little.  The Bible uses the term "Precept by precept..."  I like that.  We can do this a bit at a time, try to stay in this moment.  Look for something good to latch your attention on...a bird singing, a flower blooming, try to get outside (out of our own little realm) and walk...walking does so much for us, not only physically but mentally, it really does.  It changes our outlook...little by little.  You'll see things you can appreciate.  A wave from a neighbor, someone's smile, a dog playing, the little things.  Sometimes it's all I have.  I'm not looking for a trip to the Bahamas, just something small to brighten my moment!

It took me a while to learn self-care, to realize I am worth it, I am valuable, me, just me, not "part of a couple" but ME!  I am worth fixing this meal for!  I am worth making this place mine!  Always before my motivation was someone else, now I am left alone (I've been alone nearly 17 years now) and somewhere along the way I changed my thinking to this. 

What I have gone through and learned has changed me, strengthened me, enriched me...not that I'd ask for any of this!  I wouldn't.  None of us would.  I'm human.  I still want him back.  Whatever problems came with or not, by now we would have worked them all out, been an old married couple.  How I wish I could have had that!  But that wasn't to be.  I don't ask why anymore, I asked why for a year, I never got any resounding answers, I quit asking.

11 hours ago, Robala said:

why God took him away from me? To save me?

Maybe.  We can't know the mind of God.  When at last we get there and do know, it'll all be a moot point.  Maybe by then we won't want to kill them! ;)  Kidding, but I'm sure you know what I mean.  Gosh if we don't go through the whole gamut of feelings!  I've gotten to the point of where I know what we had, I appreciate the love we shared, what we had together, and while he wasn't perfect (neither am I) he was pretty wonderful, and I never had this with any other relationship.  

The spirit is still them, just without the physical embodiment.  I still talk to my husband, I still talk to my dog and cats that have gone.  I tell them I love them and miss them.  I'm sure I did my fair share of chewing on George too when I found out things, as sometimes we do after they die.  Things I would have chewed on him about in real life.

You're not alone...keep coming here.  I understand introvert...I am a mixture, I would say mostly introvert but need some contact with people too.  My son is even more introvert than me.  My daughter, extrovert. ;)


 

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Coming back after a month. I think I have found out mostly everything there was to be found out what my husband was doing behind my back. It took me two weeks to hate him and chew him out, just to come back to the point of missing him desperately and wanting him back. The mornings are the worst, I almost don't want to wake up because the story repeats itself. The truth is, the best time of my life was with my husband. The way I knew him, without the awareness of what he was doing behind my back, he was the best thing that happened to me. I never wanted to envision my life without him, and we just finally started to put our marriage priorities into motion. And this happens. So suddenly. With a split second he is no longer, he just evaporated. Our 7 years of life together as if never happened. I am so lost without him. I cannot find the strength to keep going every day. I do not have signs from him, starting to lose faith his spirit is with me :(

The words "I am alive because of you" keep echoing in my head. Or, "I feel so much better and calmer when you're around", followed by "When are you coming back?" almost as if he knew that my physical presence is the only thing to prevent him from doing anything stupid. And there it is again, the constant blame game I was not here to call for help. I have a feeling he would've been revived. And he would still be here, with me, and we could focus on making our lives better. He did survive an OD before; twice he was with other people, thank God someone was there to call for help, and once when he was home by himself. When I called him I realized something was very wrong and sent him to ER. But why it happened so tragically this time? With no one to help him, right after he spoke to me on the phone, and was actively doing his work remotely and talking to his colleagues. His death is so tragic, it haunts me relentlessly. He laid overnight on the floor, just our dogs in the house, probably licking him all night...

I watched a video today he sent me just two days before he passed. He was laying on the couch with our dogs and telling me how much they're bored and want me to come back home. I sobbed. He was just here! And I can't stop sobbing. It has been 4 months now and it does not get any better. If anything, I'm comfortable to say it is getting worse. I almost forgot all the lying and cheating. Or I should say double life, because until now, I had absolutely no clue. And I also had no clue he started to use cocaine. He assured me before I left, that he wouldn't. 

The reality of him not being next to me is so grand, the feeling is so overpowering, numbing almost. We got the joke, we all were working on this big puzzle of how you died for the past 4 months, but you can come back now, it is not funny anymore...Split second, one bad decision, that's all it took. And you were supposed to call me back after your Zoom call...

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Just a quick follow up as I'm trying to sit and watch TV as if everything is normal. I can't help but have the constant movie play in my head of the day Chris just stopped breathing, and he evaporated from my life. This feeling of thinking about his death is so paralyzing, I feel I'm sinking, falling, drowning, feel out of place. This feeling is so terrifying and makes me detached from the present world, people we knew together and events we went through together. The more time passes, the more the idea of seeing my family during the holidays without him paralyzes me. It sickens me. The past few weeks have been getting worse for me. I have much harder time getting through each day, as everyone keeps going about their lives, and I'm at mercy of someone of our circle still remembering of me :( I never expected 4 months ago that this is going to be my new reality. I hate it.

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13 hours ago, Robala said:

I do not have signs from him, starting to lose faith his spirit is with me :(

Our faith is not based on what we see, that's why it's called faith...hold onto it.  I've heard it said that it's hard for them to send signs and there's no time frame...for them time does not exist, they are eternal, no measurements/increments like we have.  It can come in the blink of an eye or it can take years.  Hold onto faith.  

 

Faith.JPG

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Maplessharon
On 2/17/2021 at 8:19 AM, KayC said:

And gaslighting.  Oh how I hate gaslighting (where they try to make you feel YOU are crazy when you're actually spot on!  All to cover their tracks...)

I so agree with this. My first husband would do this. He would say or do something and if I brought it up later he denied ever saying or doing it.  You begin to doubt your own mind and memory. It is a trick used to beat you down and emotionally abuse you. I am sorry for those of you who learned of these awful secrets.  Death and grief of the person are hard enough without having to grieve your perception of them as well.

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear Loss99,

I'm sorry for your loss. I know that it's extremely difficult for you to deal with infidelity and death. Sometimes, we have to stop asking questions and just let it go, so that we can move on. When we harbor anger and resentment—and withhold forgiveness—we hurt ourselves. Such negative emotions can rob us of happiness, restrict our life, and make us miserable. They can also pose a serious health risk. 

Naturally, willingness to forgive your husband does not mean that you have to approve of his wrong behavior or minimize the damage it does. Forgiving, though, does mean letting go of any resentment for such wrongs and maintaining your own peace. By dwelling on negative thoughts and mulling over how badly you have been treated, you allow the behavior of your husband to rob you of happiness. Do not let such thoughts control you. Remember that you cannot be happy when you harbor resentment. Therefore, be forgiving!

On the positive side, consider the benefits of forgiveness. When we freely forgive others, we preserve unity and peace, thereby safeguarding relationships. More important, we prove ourselves imitators of God, who freely forgives repentant sinners and who expects us to do the same.

May the God of comfort grant you peace and walk beside you during this difficult time. 

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20 hours ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

On the positive side, consider the benefits of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does accomplish something in US, more than the other person, as it protects us from bitterness/anger that can change us.  Who wants to give anyone else the power to change us from who we are to someone bitter?!  I've seen that happen to someone close to me, it's sad.  And it was over a cheating husband and his affair.  She wasn't as upset with him as the OP, oddly enough, almost like she spared him her wrath and it was all bestowed on "the harlot." (In her mind)  It takes two to tangle. 

Death of cheating spouse
Eight Keys to Forgiveness | Greater Good
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic

https://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_montana_why_forgiveness_is_worth_it

 

 

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My husband died in October and I found links on his computer afterward to all sorts of infidelity. I will never know the whole story, and it really broke my heart. But I have decided that *I* get to write the ending to the story. He had been in the hospital to remove a cancerous tumor when he died, so I am *choosing* to believe he was going to stop the other activity when he returned home. I even wrote an apology letter from him, acknowledging the behavior. It's not everything I need, and maybe it's too naive for some people, but it's enough for me to be able to move on. I took control of the narrative and made it what I needed. Write your own ending!

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Charlestongirl

It was 2 years Dec. 3, that my husband has passed away. He was cheating on a girl with me and I did not know it. Fast forward, he cheated through our entire 13 years together. He has credit cards I didn't know about. At one point he was cheating on a women he was cheating with behind my back. He kicked me out and my tiny dog out of the house so he could have 2 21 year old twins move in with him. Of course he met them online but not yet in person. They were catfishing him. He said he never gave them money but I believe that to be a lie. He said they were coming from London. Of course they never came. I had to move in with my elderly mother. I was in shock about the whole event. He was 69. He continued to call me every night even with another lady he met online that have moved in with him was there. And as crazy as it seems, I continued to talk to him. Fast forward again. He was lying sick in the hospital, still chatting with yet another women he had met online. They had not met in person, just in a chat app. He was 73. Right up to 2 weeks before he died he was telling her, that I was going to take care of him, but that he still loved her. I found the whole convo on his phone. He was very intelligent and well educated. So handsome. Women would fall all over him, even at 70. He won awards at his job. Then men he worked with though he was fantastic. I believe most of them even knew about all the other women. He had cut ties with his adult son and his sister year and years ago. His parents were deceased. I was "his person". The only one that hung around to be his "call in case of emergency". I never got mad at him for what he did. I saw him as a man with a lot of deep problems that he would need see or address. I have forgiven him, because hate and anger is too heavy for me. I hope any of you that still has hate and anger in your heart, you will someday be able to free yourself from those chains and concrete blocks. There is light, and joy and happiness on the other side if you want it.  

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