The Silence is so loud!!

[JUJUNEWS]

My husband is dying from stage 4 lung cancer and stage 4 brain cancer and it seems that the cancer has affected not only his health but our relationship.  During these last days we should be loving harder but it seems we are pulling away from each other and acting more like strangers than a married couple.  I do realize that there are steps to the grieving process and we are both dealing with our own separate processes as we try to maneuver this path but I never imagined our marriage would die before he does.  We both get tired of talking about his coming death and the cancer but it seems like it is the only thing we have in common anymore.  We used to sing together for hours, we cooked together, we talked for hours, we laughed, we danced, we loved.  Now the house is silent and it's almost as if he is already gone yet, he sits beside me on the couch or lays beside me in the bed.  I feel as though I'm letting him down but I don't know how to fix it.  I'm lost and afraid.  I'm tired.  I'm sad.  I'm broken.   

[reader]

Dear JuJu,

I'm very sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis. I know this is an extremely difficult and sad time. I know how hard it is for each person to try and communicate because every day becomes about dealing with the practicalities.

It might help to talk to family therapist or counsellor if you want to. I know how much we want to be able to feel closer to someone even during this sad time. Each person is going through so much and sometimes saying I love you or remembering good times gets lost.

Thinking of you. Please know we are with you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

JUJUNEWS,

My heart goes out to you. I wish there was a map to tell us all what to do in times like this. I know what it’s like to feel lost, afraid, tired and broken. Although a different type of scenario. I am going through it now with the loss of my mother and over losing my brothers. We had 3months from my one brothers cancer prognosis until the time he passed. He too got silent, wasn’t himself (which was understandable). Before he passed I could tell he was coming to terms with acceptance. He also expressed it to me. He was also quiet because I think he didn’t want to let on that the physical pain and our families hurt that we were losing him, was affecting him. I can’t imagine how he felt with everyone looking at him. Sad, not knowing what to do. It affected all of us and him so deeply. I did my best to just be there. Be present with him even in silence. Be there even when he was snappy and know it was not because of me, it was the disease and stress. I pushed to get him out in the porch for sunsets, cozy him up with a blanket, not force him with eating and drinking and every once in a while tell him things that I loved and appreciated about him. I say every once in a while, because I didn’t want to overload him all at once. I also reassured him that we all would be ok and take care of each other. That he didn’t have to worry. I tried to speak about other things besides the cancer (I know that’s hard though when it is what is all encompassing around you). Just know that there is no wrong. That you’re not letting him down. There is nothing to fix. Just continue to be there with him as much as you can. I gave my brother and my mom hand and foot massages frequently. Made sure there where always ice chips. I’m sad you have to go through this. You have to take care of yourself too. A counselor or group therapy (maybe through hospice or palliative team) would be beneficial. We are thinking of you and sending prayers and thoughts your way.