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He would have kept on fighting...


Shawn39

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My boy, Axle. My 12 year, 5 month old Great Dane. In the end I feel I made things worse by trying to help him the most. Five years ago at the age of 7 I rushed him to the ER because he had the classic symptoms of bloat. He underwent emergency surgery and, 48 hours later with all 70 staples still in his torso from his crotch to his chest, was running around like a wild man after squirrels in the backyard. Three years ago he had a Mast Cell tumor removed from his shoulder. It turned out to be benign and no further complications arose. One year ago, last July 2017,he was diagnosed with a Malignant Melanoma tumor in the front part of his lower jaw. A portion of his lower jaw was removed including the lower canine teeth and incisors. Again, two days later he wanted to climb trees to get at a squirrel. He's 11 and a half years old at this point. In November of 2017 the Melanoma had metastasized to the lymph nodes in his neck. He underwent 5 treatments of chemotherapy over a 15 week period and was deemed in complete remission as of January 2018. He's still a wild man at this point but is showing more signs of mobility issues in his rear legs. After standing for too long He'd kind of sink in the rear end a little bit indicating to the Vets that his arthritis was catching up with him. Never the less, as long as he kept moving he was ok and God help any squirrel within a 100 yard radius. I must mention that as you all probably know that, from what I hear, most Dane's are couch potatoes and do a lot of laying around and instead of standing on all fours all of the time they sit they're butt on the floor or couch. Not Axle. He NEVER sat his but down in the grass, on the floor, on the couch, EVER. He was always on all fours. Always on guard. Always at my side. Never wanting to lay down because he couldn't take the boredom. So with the rear end mobility issue and apparent pain, enter the NSAID Rimadyl. Most, if not all of you know this drug. So I keep him on it from January to February. Didn't see much of an improvement but didn't see him getting worse either. He turned 12 on February 3rd 2018 and from February to March I keep him on Rimadyl. By March he seems to be sinking a bit more than in January. Vet pulls him off Rimadyl and puts him on Meloxicam. One week, can't tolerate it, back to Rimadyl. Before I go further I should tell you that He'd been taking a glucosamine/chondroitin joint supplement for 10 years. Also, at the start of chemo in November 2017 I added homemade bone broth to his diet. Turmeric. Boswellia. Coconut oil. Fish oil. Multivitamins, CBD oil, Ginger Extract, etc...So now we're back to March, still no cancer in sight, and he's back on Rimadyl for pain. Not doing horrible, not the best, but still running like a crazy wild man up until the end of April. Something happened around April 25th. He was having a horrible time walking. His left rear knee was injured somehow because He voiced His pain and He had NEVER done that before. His left rear foot would drag occasionally and get tripped up and He'd end up landing His foot on His knuckle. He had coordination issues from compensating. His balance was off. He was shifting His weight forward to take pressure off the rear legs. He was tilting his head to the left. He had extreme difficulty laying down and getting back up and it was blatantly obvious His left rear knee and or hip was injured. The Vets said a probable pinched nerve somewhere in the spine most likely between the shoulders and neck. So then add Tramadol and Gabapentin into the mix with everything else and off to Physical Therapy we go. We are now mid-May and start Physical Therapy which consists of Massage, Laser Therapy, Aqua Therapy and Range of Motion exercises once per week at the clinic along with home exercise daily. I adjust his food by adding boiled ground beef and less kibble to provide more protein and aid weight loss. At this point He's 150 pounds and we all agreed if He lightened up a little bit the joints would get some relief. Mid-May to mid-June and He really isn't showing much improvement. I had to buy a special harness that made it easier for me to help him lay down and get up. He's not happy. Axle is always happy. Not anymore. I had stopped the NSAID weeks before because it just didn't work. I asked about a steroidal anti-inflammatory and the Vet agreed to try try it and if it helped a daily low dose Prednisone might be the way to manage pain. So the Vet gave him a 6 mg shot of Dexamethasone. A corticosteroid about 40 times stronger than the bodys natural pain killing steroid. 18 hours later and WOW. What a HUGE improvement. He had that spark back. His personality was back. Wagging his tail as hard as he could and standing in the front yard all day barking. Still problems with the left rear leg but feeling really good. The next day I could see it wearing off and 2 days later it was out of His system and was sinking in the rear again and not happy. He was feeling like crap again. So 5 mg oral Prednisone twice per day for 5 days. Didn't help. So 10 mg of Prednisone for 5 days. Slight improvement over 5 mg but not great. At this time he got a bacterial urinary tract infection. Enter the antibiotic Doxycycline. Up the Prednisone to 15 mg twice per day. Starting to see that this is really working for him. His personality. His mobility. His happiness. He was feeling much better. Then he got a bacterial skin infection. Enter the antibiotic Cephalexin. Still feeling really really good. Better than he has in a long time. Wednesday July 11th he hacked up some clear fluid a few times but I thought nothing of it because he did a lot of hacking up spit in his lifetime let me tell you. Thursday the 12t he hacked up more fluid a few more times but he was feeling great and I didn't think anything of it. Friday morning it all changed. Friday, July 13th 2018 everything changed. The hacking is getting much worse. He seems to be stumbling around. He won't eat or drink and now his tongue is blue and the look he is giving me is telling me something is really bad. I take his temp. 103 degrees. Fever. I race him to the ER. Chest x-rays confirm pneumonia. I knew this was it. I knew I was going to have to make the decision. Would he have recovered? Yes. No doubt. Nothing can stop Axle. But could I put him in the hospital for 4 days to clear up the infection and then make him deal with the pain and mobility issues his leg was causing him? I couldn't allow that. He would have fought and fought and fought and fought for me, but I don't think it would have been fair to him to have to try his hardest everyday just because I didn't want to make the decision to let him go. I prayed. I gathered my strength. And I told the Doctor what I thought the best for him would be. I told him how sorry I was. I told him I tried to do everything I could for him with the knowledge I had. I thanked him for everything and thanked him for picking me to spend his entire life with. I let him know that he taught me everything. Love, respect, loyalty, friendship, responsibility, forgiveness, compassion, optimism, persistence, determination, the list went on. He alone changed the complete trajectory of my life. He taught me how to be a Man. It's been 8 days. I have his ashes next to me right now. I'm dealing with guilt and regret the most right now. Why did I choose to put him on steroids knowing that they would suppress his immune system? Why didn't I learn what it means to have a suppressed immune system? Why didn't I take him off those drugs when he got the first infection? Why did I not know anything about pneumonia? Did I choose the strongest drugs for him as a last ditch effort to provide the most pain relief? Yes. Did I have any clue that it would lead to bacterial infections and pneumonia within weeks? Absolutely not. What could I have done different? Why didn't I explore other options? He was starting to feel so much better and yet he was becoming the sickest he had ever been in his life. I feel I failed him. I feel I should have done more. I feel I didn't read enough. I feel if it wasn't for the steroids he'd still be here with me. But I also feel that without the steroids I would have never seen his smiling face again. I feel like I don't know how I should feel. I feel like I shortened his life by trying to prolong it. It all happened so fast. I pray he forgives me for all the mistakes I made during our time together. I pray that he truly knows how much I loved him because I absolutely know how much he loved me. I pray that he won't miss me as much as I miss him. I can't get past the thought that it was all my fault. I should have done more. I'm conflicted. I don't know how this process is supposed to take place but having the thought that I did something to make his situation worse by putting him on those drugs rips me up inside and I feel shame and I'm scared that he thinks I hurt him. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. This is horrible. Our time wasn't supposed to be up yet. I feel it's my fault it ended so suddenly.

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Hi I am so sorry for your loss. Dealing with our pets health is so complicated. Let yourself grieve for sweet Axle rather than question what you did wrong. There were lots of complex things you were dealing with. Your intentions were always pure.  I believe in time you will come to peace with everything that happened. And of course he forgives you, he has nothing but love and would not want you so torn up over it all. 

I lost my cat very suddenly too. It is a shock. One minute they are here, then not. It is incredibly painful and it takes a while for us to process. I think in part our mind bargains and panics and looks for every moment we may have screwed up. None of it matters. You had a wonderful life together and you are a good person that tried so hard to do the right thing at every turn. But it is still heartbreaking and the reality is, they are never with us long enough no matter how many days we got.    

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I am so sorry.  I read this and the first thing that comes to my mind is what a wonderful dad you were.  You did everything known to man to take the best care you could of your dog.  It's obvious to see how much you love him.  You love him like I love my dog.

The second thing that stands out to me is your "whys".  Why didn't you this, why didn't you that.  Those whys belong to the vet, not you.  The vet is educated and instructed in conditions and medicine, not you.  It was up to the vet to explain things to you, to help you make the best decisions possible for your dog.  To point out benefits and deterrents.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  I know the pain of missing him is tremendous, there are no words adequate enough.  I am so sorry.  This is the price we pay for loving, but it is worth it.  I am missing my husband each and every day of my life and it's been 13 years now.  Would I change anything?  No!  I am so glad I had him in my life for the time that I did, even if it means living with this grief the rest of my life.  I have not only the "missing him", I have the comfort and knowledge that I was loved, that I had life to the fullest, I still remember the love we shared, how I felt when he held me, his smell, and those memories sustain me the rest of my life!  I think it is much the same way when you lose your beloved dog.  They love unconditionally, much like my husband did, the love between the two of you words are inadequate to describe!  And nothing destroys that love, not even death itself!  All that has really happened is the body has given out, but the love continues, the spirit continues, we will be with them again!  It is a wait, a seemingly long wait when we are in it, but one thing I have noticed...time passes, and each day we are that much closer to our reunion day.  You will find other good things to enjoy in your life, you will have happy moments, even while carrying your grief, it won't all be doom and gloom as it seems in the beginning, and these things will help the time to pass until you are together again.  At least that's how it is for me.  I've had many losses in my life, I see it now as part of life's cycle, nothing stays the same, we can't hold our best day still, it slips through our hands, but the memories are ours forever, nothing can take them away, nothing can destroy them.

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Hi, I am so sorry for the grief and pain you are going through at the moment. Thank you for telling Axle's story, it is very obvious that you did every thing possible to keep him comfortable and happy through his life, a wonderful long life at that, and gave him the ultimate gift of peace at your own expense in the end. How could he not love you for that and for all the love you gave him through his life.

I wanted to respond to your post because we lost our beautiful chocolate Labrador Ben on the 6th July and Ben's journey was similar to Axle's in many ways although he thankfully did not have the earlier issues.. I cannot describe the grief and and uncertainties we are still feeling even after a month and I have tried to type this for a few days but the tears were too much to manage. Ben was only 9 when we had to have him put to sleep, and he had being having issues with his back leg for quite a few years. The vet had told us it was arthritis, as labs are prone to hip problems, and prescribed previcox (nsaid) for him, which appeared to be keeping things under control. Early this year the problem got worse and a few times he would cry out in pain, which was unbearable to hear. It was only after an MRI scan in February we discovered it was a spine problem (lumbosacral stenosis) and not his hips at all. He had also been compensating by putting his weight on his front paw and the paw was becoming more and more deformed, add to the problem he kept getting indigital cysts between his toes (lots of paw soaking in epsom salts) The orthopedic specialist recommended surgery, but there was only 80% chance of success and a possibility it would become worse or even that he could be paralyzed. We decided against surgery because of his age, because of the odds, and also we did not feel it would be fair to have to cage him for a month whilst he recovered. We decided to go along the pain management course and added tramadol and gabapentin to his existing nsaids, together with acupuncture and physio sessions which seemed to help. I should add that we had been having regular blood profiles done as we were worried about the effect of all these drugs on his body. In mid June hes was still having good days and bad days, although always cheerful and wanting to play, and was often limping on his front paw intermittently with his back leg,so we researched another pain killer that could be used in conjunction with the others (Amantadine) The vets eventually agreed we could try it, but we asked for a blood profile to be done first as the drug information said it should be used with caution in animals with liver or kidney disease. This proved OK except there a slightly higher than normal reading on his liver count which the vet said was quite common and nothing at all to worry about and prescribed milk thistle. He was on the Amantadine for about a week when on July 4th he suddenly stopped eating not even his favourite treats. He had been restless at night for a week or two earlier, wanting to lie outside to sleep, but we put this down to unusually hot weather we were experiencing. We took him to the vets on July 5th and she checked his eyes and gums and felt his stomach etc.no problems, so  he was given an antibiotic and we were told to bring him back in a few days if he wasn't any better. He was no better the next morning, still not eating, and he seemed very unwell to us. The vets said to bring him in for an x-ray and ultrasound so we left him with them as he was to be sedated for the x-ray. We had a phone call about 40 minutes later to come back in. He was so ill they did not even have to sedate him for the x-ray, but he still wagged his tail for us. The vet said he had a swollen pancreas, jaundice and a very small liver. The vet said they could keep him in over the weekend on a drip which would make him feel more comfortable and then they would have to treat the liver with steroids, but he would have to give up the nsaids, and could he manage without them? We felt he may not pull through over the weekend, we had never left him before either. If he did pull through what would life be like for him, he was struggling before this episode. We felt we had to make the decision to put him to sleep but still cannot come to terms with what has happened. Did we kill him by adding this new drug to his medication? Was he on the previcox too long for arthritis he didn't have. If we had known about the spine problem when he was younger and it had not advanced so far, could he have had the operation. Why was the liver problem not discovered earlier? Also, like you, should we have let him get through this final episode and keep him with us, but for what kind of a life. Deep down we know we made the right decision for him but we are devastated without him still  and can't find a way to move on at the moment. I hope you find peace eventually, you will always have Axle and the love you felt for each other  in your heart.

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Just now, BensMum said:

Hi, I am so sorry for the grief and pain you are going through at the moment. Thank you for telling Axle's story, it is very obvious that you did every thing possible to keep him comfortable and happy through his life, a wonderful long life at that, and gave him the ultimate gift of peace at your own expense in the end. How could he not love you for that and for all the love you gave him through his life.

I wanted to respond to your post because we lost our beautiful chocolate Labrador Ben on the 6th July and Ben's journey was similar to Axle's in many ways although he thankfully did not have the earlier issues.. I cannot describe the grief and and uncertainties we are still feeling even after a month and I have tried to type this for a few days but the tears were too much to manage. Ben was only 9 when we had to have him put to sleep, and he had being having issues with his back leg for quite a few years. The vet had told us it was arthritis, as labs are prone to hip problems, and prescribed previcox (nsaid) for him, which appeared to be keeping things under control. Early this year the problem got worse and a few times he would cry out in pain, which was unbearable to hear. It was only after an MRI scan in February we discovered it was a spine problem (lumbosacral stenosis) and not his hips at all. He had also been compensating by putting his weight on his front paw and the paw was becoming more and more deformed, add to the problem he kept getting indigital cysts between his toes (lots of paw soaking in epsom salts) The orthopedic specialist recommended surgery, but there was only 80% chance of success and a possibility it would become worse or even that he could be paralyzed. We decided against surgery because of his age, because of the odds, and also we did not feel it would be fair to have to cage him for a month whilst he recovered. We decided to go along the pain management course and added tramadol and gabapentin to his existing nsaids. I should add that we had been having regular blood profiles done as we were worried about the effect of all these drugs on his body. In mid June hes was still having good days and bad days, although always cheerful and wanting to play, and was often limping on his front paw intermittently with his back leg,so we researched another pain killer that could be used in conjunction with the others (Amantadine) The vets eventually agreed we could try it, but we asked for a blood profile to be done first as the drug information said it should be used with caution in animals with liver or kidney disease. This proved OK except there a slightly higher than normal reading on his liver count which the vet said was quite common and nothing at all to worry about and prescribed milk thistle. He was on the Amantadine for about a week when on July 4th he suddenly stopped eating not even his favourite treats. He had been restless at night for a week or two earlier, wanting to lie outside to sleep, but we put this down to unusually hot weather we were experiencing. We took him to the vets on July 5th and she checked his eyes and gums and felt his stomach etc.no problems, so  he was given an antibiotic and we were told to bring him back in a few days if he wasn't any better. He was no better the next morning, still not eating, and he seemed very unwell to us. The vets said to bring him in for an x-ray and ultrasound so we left him with them as he was to be sedated for the x-ray. We had a phone call about 40 minutes later to come back in. He was so ill they did not even have to sedate him for the x-ray, but he still wagged his tail for us. The vet said he had a swollen pancreas, jaundice and a very small liver. The vet said they could keep him in over the weekend on a drip which would make him feel more comfortable and then they would have to treat the liver with steroids, but he would have to give up the nsaids, and could he manage without them? We felt he may not pull through over the weekend, we had never left him before either. If he did pull through what would life be like for him, he was struggling before this episode. We felt we had to make the decision to put him to sleep but still cannot come to terms with what has happened. Did we kill him by adding this new drug to his medication? Was he on the previcox too long for arthritis he didn't have. If we had known about the spine problem when he was younger and it had not advanced so far, could he have had the operation. Why was the liver problem not discovered earlier? Also, like you, should we have let him get through this final episode and keep him with us, but for what kind of a life. Deep down we know we made the right decision for him but we are devastated without him still  and can't find a way to move on at the moment. I hope you find peace eventually, you will always have Axle in your heart.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever"

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@BensMum  I am so sorry, I know it's hard, it's never easy to let them go but honestly I feel you made the right decision for the reasons listed.  You thought this out well, he is at rest now.  Now it is you in pain and you're torturing yourself with the whatifs...the second guessing yourself is part of grief.  We guilt ourselves even through we don't deserve it, as if we're trying to find a different outcome...but there is no outcome other than what happened.  
I hope you will read these:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

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