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Causing my cat to get killed


John Roh

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My cat died because of my neligence. This happened 2 days ago and I feel numb most of time and when I am taking a shower, I can’t control my sobbing.

She shouldn’t have died. She was my mother’s cat first but after my motother had to be moved from her countryside house for her mental issues, I would go and pour dry food and a canned food once a week. Unfortunately, because it took 4-5 hours to go and come back and being a lazy and stupid person, rather than visiting her more often, I thought I would take her to my place. I was afraid she would starve to death but yeah I would have just visited her more often and let her live in her old countryside place, not a city.

Last Wednesday night, after work, I was having dumplings and vodka. Naturally, the cat would come and smell me. Instead of stopping eating and drinking, I did a horrible thing. I put her at the terrace next to my room and she started meowing, looking at the window. So I opened the window and just because there was the window mosquito net, I thought she would just look out it. How wrong I was. This is the most messed-up part. My mom specifically told me not to let her cat sit on the windowsill when the window is open cause she could open the mosquito net but I did not really listen or pay attention to her. Make things worse, I closed the door between the terrace and my room so that the cat wouldn’t come to me while eating and drinking. After some time, I opened the door and found her gone. I panicked and I tried to find her but not thorougly. I thought she would be able to be back. She used to come back to my mom’s place after hanging out outside. Also, it was late and I did not want to bother neighbors which was my big mistake. I couldn’t eat that day but I slept a lot and depressed.. I occasionally checked my area but not thoroughly again... after I read some tips about finding a lost cat, I started to search my area with the flash light and before long, I found her under the car.  I was pretty excited and cautious. I opened her favorite can and approached. She did not move nor look at me so I was glad that I would maybe grab her quick and put her into my apartment and never ever open the window while she’s around.

Instead, what I found was her stiff body and deep cut in the side of her head. I buried her that day. Had I been decent or just not stupid enough to take care of her properly or just not open the freaking window, she would be here with me today. 

Nothing matters. I can’t breathe sometimes. And I don’t want to eat. I sleep but only bad dreams. Yet, because of my job, I have to smile and hide. I know I will get out of this but for now all I want to do is to die although it wouldn’t make any difference to her death and it’s for me, being selfish and wanting to feel better for ‘myself.’

I have no friends to understand this. My mom says it’s okay but I know she’s going through the tough times and I can’t rely on her. 

I just have very bad luck with pets in general, too. I got my first dog when I was a child, but it went missing, or so that was what i was told. My mom got the dog from her coworker a few years ago and I took care of him with mom but he died from cancer less than a year. She got another dog and it died from getting hit by a car.

A person like me should have never taken her to my place in the first place. Being stupid and having bad luck.

Rip, my friend and I am so sorry. Goodbye

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I'm so sorry that happened to your/your mom's cat.  I know how you feel.  A little friend that I became very close to was run over last night.  I could not look and she died under my car.  I can't hardly eat or sleep and really have but my mom and one other friend who doesn't like to think or talk about sad things to talk to about it.  

You couldn't just leave her there to starve to death all alone either.  You tried, in your own way. They are just so curious and impulsive that we can't control everything that they can get into.  All it takes is a split second and they are gone. 

I think some animals come into our lives to teach us, and it is not always a happy and good lesson to learn.  It is good to let your grief out, as I have been doing the same.  It will ease up in time but we will never forget, so in a way, the life lessons for us were ones that we must have needed to learn.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  You may not have been able to save her even if you found her sooner.

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Filly, thanks for the comment. I am really sorry for your loss and I understand that you cannot sleep or eat. I think you are right. She did really teach me lessons but I wish I had not cost her life but that’s life, a harse reality of life, I guess. Hope you can feel better and function at least normally soon. 

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No one ever said that life is fair.  Life is hard and painful, but there are such good things too. 

I also feel that I failed this little cat and in a way feel that I failed MY cat that I am still grieving since the end of last November.  Even though she and I went through a year of trying to do everything we could, we gave it our all.  This loss has brought to the surface the grief for her as well.

So I have sat here off and on for the last two nights reading everyone's stories.  Perhaps it may help you as well.  Many think that their decisions or lack thereof caused the death of their little friend.  Nearly all of us feel the same guilt and pain.  It also reminds me that life is short, very short, shorter for some than for others.  All of us take life for granted at times -- until it's gone, whether a pet, friend, spouse or parent.  Then comes the denial, guilt, pain and grieving.  They say that grief is different for everyone, but what I am reading here tells me that we all feel somewhat the same, no matter the circumstances, no matter the time we had with them.



 

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I am so sorry for the loss of you and your mom's cat.  You tried to help her...I know all too well how far away that drive is as it's the same distance to/from my son's house.  It's not sustainable long term.  You did what anyone would do, you brought her to your place.  You had no way of knowing she would get out. 

I do't see you as responsible for her death, things happen to us all that we don't anticipate.  I hope you will read these articles and consider what they say, they've helped me a lot.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

Still not knowing what happened to her, she met with untimely death, and was crawling under the car to die in peace, someplace she felt safe.  Cats/animals accept death with more matter of factness than we seem to, they don't analyze it like we do, don't have regrets, they accept what is.  Just holding still and being, her death came and ended her pain, but I truly believe with all my heart that that is not "the end" for them or any of us.  Our bodies give out but our spirit continues and we continue in what's to come for us.  I find comfort knowing that I'll be with my pets again, and hope you can consider that and that it brings you comfort as well.

 

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Hey Filly, it’s heart-broken to hear about the cat companions. I hope you the best.

 

I wish I could read others’ stories and I think eventually I’ll get there. For now, though, I just can’t. I think I need more time. And I agree that grief is the same. Unless we are devoid of all human emotions, I think we feel the same pain.

 

I have been in this about 5 years ago when my mom’s died from cancer. But this time, I feel really guilty and that’s the difference, I guess. I still don’t want to eat. Can’t really eat. But I will read others’ stories and try to understand it’s not only me and also my cat.

 

Thanks for the comment again.

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Thanks for the kind words, KayC. I read the articles you shared and they helped me a lot. They helped me understand better about what I am going through. I guess, as a selfish person, I am thinking more about my pain than the cat’s actually. She is gone and I need to move on. I can’t undone what has been done. I will have to accept it. Just so hard.

 

Thanks again for the wisdom and links.

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Thanks John.  I wish you the best too and know that it will take time.  It is so hard to accept and go on when we still hurt so bad, but that is exactly what we have to do.  I've made myself eat and eventually slept too.  I hope you can do the same with eating something soon.  Food really will make your body feel better.  It's not easy but your body needs food to help you process the pain.  Otherwise, you could get really sick and the emptiness will perpetuate depression.  It can be a vicious cycle.  Be strong and try to break it.  The pain will still be there, just like an old friend, but we can let it come and go.  Accepting that they are gone is a way of letting go, of them, their pain and our pain as well.

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10 hours ago, John Roh said:

I guess, as a selfish person, I am thinking more about my pain than the cat’s actually.

Our grief IS for us, the one that died is out of their suffering and ours begins.  That is how grief is.  It does take time but somehow we make our way through this grief.  And remember that alcohol is a depressant and not what we need right now...we need to take care of ourselves, eat something healthy, go for a walk, drink some water, doing this will help to clear our heads and think more positively.  I understand people drink to drown their sorrows but sometimes it backfires on us.  I have lost so many I literally carry my grief inside me, I've learned to coexist with it...I'm able to function, can have a good time with others, have learned to live in the present and embrace what is good, acknowledge good, but my grief is right alongside it too.  It's how it is now.  But then I'm grieving loss of husband, parents, grandparents, friends, niece, nephew, sister, and many many pets.  I see it as part of the cycle of life now.

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KayC, I am so sorry to hear about all your losses and I hope I can be like you someday, taking things as they are. Accept cycles of life. Not getting there yet, though. I was a bit surprised when you mentioned alcohol since I just read your message and I have been drinking at the pub alone, two days in a row. I had to pretend to eat cause my mom wanted me to but I have hardly had any appetite nor capacity to eat for now. It will pass, I know. Drinking at least makes me able to eat for now although the choice of food is pretty bad for health. Today, I have felt so numb. I walked for 30 minutes under the sun and heat just to punish myself. The weather was supposed to be very hot today. But even though I sweated profusely, I did not really feel anything. Today, I don’t feel sadness or cry. I just blame myself and just work like crazy. 

You guys helped me a lot and I really appreciate it. I wish I had someone like that in real life, though. I have no support from my friends or family about this.

I thought about getting a therapist at some point today but then the memories of me being betrayed by my former two therapists stopped me from doing that. 

I am so glad I found this website, though. I really have no support elsewhere. 

 

About 7 years ago, when my mom’s died, I went through three years. I had really no support back then too but I had my drawing. I drew like a crazy person. Now I don’t have any interest in anything.

I just feel like nothing matters now. I want to die, just finish it but my grandmother has dementia and my mother, I am pretty sure, is going through the beginning stage of that and I am the only one to provide so I can’t afford it. I’ve been always poor and it’s been always like that. I just can’t stop and take a moment and close things. 

 

Sorry. I think I am getting a bit drunk and rambling a lot. 

 

Hope all of us can go through this well.

 

 

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You say "my mom's died from cancer" but then you speak of your mother being alive, so I'm confused.  Do you have two moms?

Art can be a very good way to get through things...unfortunately, grief can make us lose interest in what was important to us.  I made cards for over 30 years, I use all kinds of mediums, have a room filled with professional die cutter, dies, stamps, pens, ink, stamp pads, etc.  I don't do it unless I need to anymore, I've lost interest.  It's sad, I wish I could get the 'want to" back, but it just isn't there anymore, yet I can't bring myself to get rid of my thousands of dollars' worth of supplies and tools.  I keep hoping that someday I will have the love for it I once did.  I remember my husband saying, "I love watching you make cards because you make all these happy sounds."  "Happy sounds?", I asked.  "Yes, like whistling, and humming, and stuff." he replied.  I'm not sure there's anything that makes me feel that way anymore.  And that's rather sad.

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I just wanted to say, John, that this is real life and we are all real people here, experiencing real losses and living with the Pain. You said you wished you had people like that in real life, well here we are. Most of our cats or dogs were much more than pets but life companions and best friends to us, each of them unique and their absence has changed our lives forever. We have not asked for this change nor do we welcome it, much on the contrary. Yet here we are trying to talk about our feelings and listening. So I hear you. You can draw, John. What an amazing talent.  I love the art of illustration and collect drawings myself yet I am very clumsy with my hands and cannot draw - I do some clorouring instead, having learned about it by observing how others approach colour. Would you be so kind as to draw something for us and post it here? And one more thing please do not try to punish yourself further - this will not soothe your pain nor take away your regrets being them justified or not they are there for a reason and I believe for a good cause: If you had none how could you learn from what happened and survive it in a healthy way? You see we all have to live with the awareness that we do made and make mistakes in life so as to avoid further errors. This can be done, John. We all have room for improvement. You are not more unlucky than anyone, just as human. Keep coming back and draw, John, draw!

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Hi KayC, 

 

So sorry. I was drunk and I did a sloppy writing. What I meant by was ‘my mom’s dog’.

 

I am sorry to hear about your losing interest in card making too. That is sad. Hope you can find something that would interest you but I know it is not easy. 

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Hi Beatriz,

 

Thanks for the kind words. I will try when I sit at the cafe. I spent most of them sitting at the cafe working because I know I will not get anything done otherwise. Posting a drawing has to wait a little bit though. I am not really functioning at all for now. I need some time just to function normally I think. But I will try to draw something and post it if I can. Thanks again.

 

And yes true, you guys are the best and there for me. I can’t express how I appreciate all the support I get here. I haven’t eaten really and for the last three days I sat at bars and pubs drinking and eating like crazy, spending all the money I have. I really think you are right. I should stop punishing myself. I have to make progress and not make the stupid mistakes again. I almost certainly did when I wasted money on drinking and got myself drunk and drove. I normally would never drive when drunk. I need to stop this. I do. Otherwise, I will make some serious mistakes. 

 

I am sure you all understand, though. I feel like nothing matters. Like if I die, I said bring it on today. I don’t cry anymore. I just picture the cat under the cat again and again and depressed and that makes me lose interest in anything, such as eating. I know I have to get over this. I think I would try just stay in a cafe and not drink.

 

None of my friends here would understand what I am going through but then they were like that when I went through my mom’s dog’s death and all the other stuff. I have had two therapists and both of them was very religious. I tried the meditation group to find some place to ‘breathe’ and this guy said he would help me through Skype. He would talk about buddhists’ rules and all but I thought well he just talked something good. Then there was this day he went exploded and humiliated me at the bus terminal where many people were. He was giving me the depression medicine then. I guess he got tired of me being so negative and saying I was going crazy. He started yelling and said I was not going crazy. So I ended it. The second one was rather nice. She offered me the free therapy on the condition that I will be the subject for her doctoral thesis. I agreed and it was art therapy so it suited me better and most of time she was professional. Then there came time she started to show her religious color, buddhism again. I mean she would talk about her personal life and I know she was a buddhist but it was not pleasant at all when she brought it to our session. One time we were at the museum and she had to pick one of the paintings and drew from it. And during the talk, she said about what I would do after life. And I went, ‘sorry, I don’t believe it so it’s just the end.’ And she said I was arrogant. Still, I liked her and appreciated she offered me the therapy for free. I guess I am an obnoxious person though. After I ended the therapy because I thought it was not working, I would sometimes ask her for help. I.. had a pretty bad drinking habit back then so I asked her to introduce some therapist if she could. She has not replied ever since. I know she read my messages.

 

I would check here and get you guys’ help. Thanks a lot again. I hope I get better and help others here.

 

Keep coloring Beatriz. Colors are amazing. Used to love them a lot. Hope I can find the love in them again.

 

 

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Beatriz stated it so perfectly for all of us.

John, I'm sorry you lost your mom's dog.  I lost my granddoggy (he lived with me 3 1/2 years and we were very close) nearly five years and I miss him still.  He's buried in my back yard, he was very special.  Sometimes I think the animals we lose are some of the very hardest to get used to.

 

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KayC, thanks so much for the comment. It’s very true that losing an animal close to us is so hard. I think it can be harder than to lose a person. My father was an alcoholic and as a result, he died at 50 but he brought it to himself and people, in general, have more control on what’s going on, not all the time but, than pets. I think it’s devastating because I am like a parent and they are like babies. 

 

Hope you are coping well today. 

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So well said!  Our pets are at our mercy.  It behooves us all the more to consider them!

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I think so KayC. I want to live in the world where as long as we love them, nothing bad happens, but the world is not the place like that. So the best option is to accept the reality.

 

Hope your day is going well.

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I read my comment above and it doesn't even make sense to me in the context...I lost a friend to suicide this week, I think it's scrambled my brain.  Having a hard time...

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Sorry to read this @KayC your brain seems fine from here! I do hope you are okay. You are such a light here in the forum. 

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It's someone from a family I've known from years that I met on my other forum I've been on for 13 years.  A family of such preposterous tragedy, the likes I've never seen, worse than the Kennedy's.

First Ziggy, then Leo, then Shannon, then Mary, then one by one Mary and Butch's grandchildren, four of them died!  Butch couldn't handle it, the last one was the last straw, he commit suicide.  His son, Allen found him with a bullet through his brain, blood everywhere.  Sorry so graphic.  Now his wife Katie is pregnant and has a one year old and nine year old, and guess what, Allen commits suicide!  I've been emailing this family for years.  I'd hoped to meet Butch someday, they live in CT and I'm in OR.  But now he's gone, and his actions triggered Allen's.  And we're left trying to console Katie, how do you do that?  We keep asking "why" but we know there's no answer forthcoming.  Suicide is such a hard thing to deal with, there is no understanding it, you know the person was in pain and felt they couldn't take it anymore, they obviously weren't thinking or they'd have considered their actions' effect on those they loved, but no...was it impulse?  Was it planned?  A million questions run through your head, all of them unanswered.  The only one who knows the answers is gone.  And talk about "whatifs"!  I know it does no good to ask whatifs, but by the same token, how do you tell that to his widow?  She's going to run them through her head.  All we can do is pray for her, remind her to stay in the here and now, this moment, try to rest, try to eat something, take care of her baby, spend time with her child...she must feel like a zombie right now.  She is in the hospital, she fainted at Allen's funeral and with her pregnancy they wanted to get fluids in her and make sure she's okay, she's spent the last two nights there.

Sorry, didn't mean to dump on you.  This is a lot.  As someone elsewhere said, it helps to just get it out, to write it out, to know you're heard.  It doesn't change anything, but it helps us process...

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KayC, I absolutely agree. Sometimes, you just have to get it out. There's no other way around. I'm sorry about the tragedy of the family. That is horrible. 

 

As someone who frequently consider about committing a suicide, I think you are right. People can try to help but if someone really wants to kill themselves, there's no way to stop them. It is never easy to help them out. At the end of the day, being fragile human beings, we can only do so much. We can only do our best. But well, sadness will not go away soon.

 

I'm having a hard time writing cohesive sentences, too. So please forgive me if I just ramble or don't make any sense. Still having a hard time after I got my get killed. I can't concentrate on anything and I can't feel anything. I don't care about things anymore. And I can't eat. It's problematic because I have my mother to take care of and also I do not want to show how hurt I am to her as it was her cat originally and she must hurt and it was my fault. It has not been easy. She wants me to eat but I can't really eat now so for the last two dinners, I drank a lot cause I can eat when I drink. Tomorrow, I will have to go abroad with her since I already got tickets and everything before this horrible thing happened and also my mom is old and have only travelled outside her country once.

 

My mom can't read nor write. Weirdly enough, I think it's one of the reasons I didn't kill myself. Because there are so many basic things she can't do, I feel it's my responsibility to take care of her. That feeling of responsibility keeps me going. I don't know what I will live for when she is gone.

 

I think suicides are a horrible way to die because it strips you of your dignity and love usually. You lose everything mentally and then you go. 

 

 

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Sorry it's a cliché but you clearly have a lot to give, in terms of the help you give your Mum, the insights you give us on  this forum, for starters.  I do hope you  will stick around..

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15 hours ago, John Roh said:

I can't concentrate on anything and I can't feel anything. I don't care about things anymore.

That's all part of grief, hopefully very temporary.  If not, please see a grief counselor if it interferes with your functioning.  I have gotten grief counseling when my husband died, but pets are not lesser grief, husband affects more as they affect income, the person you talk to, your lover, the person that shares finances and chores with.  But the pain of losing someone you love be it person or pet is very hard.

http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-counseling.htm

I wrote this based on what I learned after my husband died, you may not feel it's all applicable to you but if even one suggestion helps, that's good.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thanks JTC, I'm sticking around and will try my best. I am just so depressed for now. I appreciate it and hope you are having a good day.

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Hi KayC, Thanks for sharing the tips and I am sorry to hear what you went through after your husband passed. Reading it helps me remind myself that I need some help and also focus on today more. Thanks a lot. Since I've had pretty bad luck with two therapists and also the support group and also the suicide hotline, I don't think if I can rely on those again, though. And I've been alone most of my life so being alone and doing things alone is just fine. For now, I just try to sit at the cafe and watch some videos that I can learn somethings or just pass time. I will get back to arts thing but since I don't enjoy anything really anymore(clearly from depression and all that) I will have to force myself to practice and do it rather than enjoy it, but I will try. Currently, I'm on vacation and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I always hate my work but can't bear with it after the cat died and my only vacation in a year happened to come right after what happened with her so it's a bit like torture too...

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3 hours ago, John Roh said:

I will get back to arts thing but since I don't enjoy anything really anymore(clearly from depression and all that) I will have to force myself to practice and do it rather than enjoy it, but I will try.

I can relate...I've made cards for over 30 years, I have a ton of tools and mediums I use and used to belong to a group where we shared ideas but they meet at night and I no longer drive at night.  My best friend moved to TX three years ago, we used to enjoy making cards together and just doing things together in general but I haven't felt the same about it since and haven't seemed to get back the passion I once had.  Kind of sad.  My husband used to say he loved watching me make cards because I "made happy sounds"...happy sounds? I inquired..."Yeah, like whistling and humming and stuff."  I was happy.

For the most part I feel content but it has been a while since I've had my passion for creating.  Art used to be my outlet.

I hope it comes back to you...to me also.

I'm sorry you haven't had very good rapport with counselors, etc.  We usually recommend someone try another or even another if one's not right for them.  I do know that the one that has been my mentor for 13 years, I have learned invaluable information from her!  Her grief (that prompted her profession) was a different loss than mine, but she has been a valuable resource and is very sensitive to us grievers.

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On ‎8‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 11:03 AM, John Roh said:

Thanks JTC, I'm sticking around and will try my best. I am just so depressed for now. I appreciate it and hope you are having a good day.

Thanks John, I have just come back onto the forum and have seen your kind reply.  All best wishes to you.

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Hi John, hope you are doing okay. If you are depressed in general and dealing with this loss, it is a lot. Maybe reading will help, there is an interesting book (very short easy read) called Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends Upon It by Kamal Ravikant. 

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