Emotional roller coaster

[JUJUNEWS]

This is the first attempt to put written words to this emotional roller coaster I have been on since April 2, 2018.  That is the date we found out my husband had stage 4 lung cancer and within the month found out he also had stage 4 brain cancer.  Since then we became a one salary household and our roles quickly changed from him being the head of the house and taking care of me to the other way around.  I wasn't ready or prepared for that switch and I'm still dealing with my new role while also dealing with all the emotions that go along with losing my lover, my companion, my best friend, my comforter, my protector, my partner, and my husband.  After several failed marriages and many failed relationships, I finally found the love of my life and now I will probably loose him before we celebrate our 10th anniversary!  I go through emotions of sadness, anger, loneliness, fearfulness, confusion, and very seldom happiness.  Sometimes those emotions come like a wave that knocks you off your feet and sometimes that cover you like a fog and linger for awhile.  I have had to rapidly learn how to manage money, make household repairs, manage my time, make appointments, prepare meals while caring for my husband who has lost his strength due to the treatments and just the disease itself.  Family wants me to keep them informed but they have no idea how taxing it is to just process my own thoughts on a daily basis while holding down a full time job on night shift as a 911 dispatcher/supervisor.  I stay tired and feel drained of all energy.  My brain never stops spinning even when I sleep I am constantly thinking about the cancer, his death, the bills, our children and grandchildren, what I will do when he's gone, how I can help him on this journey, and so many other thoughts some good and some not so good.  I want to escape this nightmare even for a little while, but there is no running from this, I have to figure out how to face it head on and I'm hoping and praying that writing it down will be the start of helping me achieve that.    Thanks for allowing me to share.  

[Billie Rae]

Oh sweetheart,I know exactly,my Charlie passed January 16 of pancreatic cancer and 3 days before diagnosis he was laid off so I became the breadwinner,caregiver bill payer and all things that roll life on.After his first chemo my baby never recovered and he was more and more silent I felt like it was only me fighting for life.Near the end though I knew it took great faith in me for him to not worry about things.In his last month he thanked me for doing it all He said it made him less afraid for me and he knew he was loved.I think it prepared me a little for being alone.Charlie separated himself from me on purpose but I can tell him now it didn't work.You can't use 3 months to cut out 10 years.and I Will never get the picture of him at 83 lbs out of my head or the feeling that if I had done more I could have fixed it.Love and hugs.Billie Rae

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