If only ...

[Filly]

I can't stop crying.  Tonight my neighbor ran over his little cat.  She was so sweet, and I had gotten so very attached to her.  She had a sad life, brought from a farm to the city to keep his girlfriend's cat company, dropped in the backyard and his garage to fend for herself among the big city feral cats.  She lived here for about a year and half, maybe 2, while my own eldest cat's health declined.  I finally lost her last November, but that is a different topic.  During this time, I still had my other cat and these two outside, so they were all a big comfort to me during my loss.  I fed the 2 outside cats and made sure they had water while they followed me around for attention and affection, as they never were rewarded with love from their "owners."  

When the neighbor's girlfriend moved out, she left her cat and that one moved away earlier in the year.  She found other people to adopt down the street and left the little one behind.  The little disappeared for a couple of days earlier this summer.  I was so very worried about her that when I finally saw her again, I wanted to keep her, bring her inside and tell her "owner" that she would be living with me.  It hit me then just how attached to her I was.  Before I could do that, I would have to take her to the vet for tests being that she was young and possibly had some infection in her eyes and had not been wormed.  I didn't want her to communicate that to my older cat.  IF ONLY I had acted upon my thoughts then.  I'm not wealthy but had spent $4,500 trying to save my cat, so another vet visit would have been a hardship.  Plus I kept thinking that I wasn't ready for another cat yet and how would my cat react to her in the house?  It was too soon for us.

So all was well this evening as I saw her peeking in my door as usual.  "Just give me 15 minutes," and before I could get back to her and go outside to pet her, her "owner" was knocking at the door to tell me that he had just run over her, and that she was under my car, having dragged her smashed hindquarters across the yard to my car, to me.  I lost it, and I'm still losing it.  He didn't know what to do, and I could not stop wailing as my worse fears for her were being realized at that very moment.  IF ONLY I had gone outside to sit with her then instead of waiting 5 minutes.  Of course, I told him to scoop her up, take her to the 24 hour Emergency Vet and put her down, that she was in extreme pain.  I could not look.  I was still wailing.  IF ONLY I could have been stronger, she would not have to die alone, as he had gone into his house to call the vet, who told him to give her a few moments and she would probably pass.  They were right and he was quickly back at my door telling me that she was gone, and he would remove her from behind my car to bury her. 

IF ONLY he had seen her.  IF ONLY I had brought her in.  IF ONLY he had had loved her.  IF ONLY I were not grieving for her now.  IF ONLY she were still here.  

She did not deserve this life, this ending.  She was so sweet, so trusting, just a little cat that would greet everyone by falling over and putting her belly up for rubs.  All she wanted was a little food and love.  IF ONLY ...

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[KayC]

I'm so sorry.  There are no words adequate.  Yes, if only.  Poor little kitty.  But you did love her, and it sounds like her owner did too, perhaps he was just caught up in what was going on in his life as we all do sometimes.  I'm sure this little kitty knew she was loved.

[AJWCat]

I honestly am so heartbroken reading this. I am so so sorry for you and for the sweet kitty having to go through it.

Too bad this "owner" was not more careful too sadly these things happen and seem to happen a lot. There are a lot of if onlys - I know I had about a dozen after losing my cat in a sudden and horrible way (he seemed to ingest a poison but I don't know for sure). It was one of the worst things I have ever gone through and it took me days to not be a zombie - in total shock and devastation, weeks to even smile, and months to feel at least some kind of peace. I know you will get there too but it will take some time. I am really sorry.   

 

[Filly]

Thank you both.  My cat and I keep looking out the doors and windows, from habit, looking for her.  I'm sick at my stomach after crying all night.  My heart has been ripped from my throat.

I know her owner cared for her as he was sick at his stomach too.  BUT when you really love an animal, you do not go away and leave them to fend for themselves for weeks at a time.

I'm so sorry AJWCat.  It is devastating and even worse when it is so sudden, and they should have had years left to their lives.  No matter how long they live, it is never long enough for those who love them.

 

[My buddy Thomas]

I'm very sorry. This gorgeous little cat is extremely alike to one of my cats (Thomas' sister). I know exactly what it feels like to be sick to your stomach with sadness and I have nothing to say except I'm sorry and I completely feel your pain. It's been three weeks since Thomas passed - that sickness in my stomach has left me and I'm not crying as much but get waves of sadness out of the blue. 

I won't say anything against the owner - I'm sure he is heartbroken too, unfortunately I think sometimes it takes something like this for someone to realise they were taking their pet for granted. 

 

[Filly]

Thank you Thomas's Buddy.  I'm not blaming the owner.  I just feel like he was used to having animals in a farm setting and did not think too much on what fate outdoor city cats can meet.  There are so many bad things that can happen that I have always kept all of mine indoors.  And that's why I had wanted to bring this little one in -- to protect her from all that she was too innocent to know of.

I am so sorry for your loss too.  I read your story about Thomas last night but was too upset to comment.  I read a lot of the stories that I should go back to and comment on.  Even though you think you took months away from Thomas, it probably was not your fault.  You were trying to help him by taking him to the vet.  More than one factor probably came into play -- whether his little heart just could not handle the stress, the air was not good and cats can have adverse reactions to aspirin.  They are very sensitive little beings.

Most of us who have lost our little furry love will feel like we did something to cause it.  Guilt is one of the stages of grief and try as we might to not think that way, it is often the first thought in our minds.

Did you know that aspirin is toxic to some cats???  https://www.petmd.com/cat/conditions/digestive/c_ct_aspirin_tox 
 

Symptoms and Types

The progression of symptoms can occur quickly. One of the first noticeable signs is loss of appetite. Other signs include vomiting, diarrhea, and intestinal hemorrhage brought on by ulceration in the stomach and small intestines. The central nervous system may also be affected, causing your cat to have trouble walking, appear weak and uncoordinated, or even collapse. Loss of consciousness and sudden death can also occur.

I should put this in your thread ... and will do that now so that I know you will see it.  

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Filly said:

BUT when you really love an animal, you do not go away and leave them to fend for themselves for weeks at a time.

Most of us don't.  But if he just had a breakup, he may have been so consumed with that that he wasn't thinking straight.  We can't judge what we didn't experience.  I'm sure he's distraught, now he's suffering two major losses.  And you are also suffering this loss, it's very hard.  The kitty turned to you in place of her owner, that shows she knew you loved her.  She is in kitty heaven now, at peace and no longer suffering...yes, I believe that.

 

[Filly]

Her body is still in a cooler on his driveway and I am still shattered as she cannot rest in peace yet.

[Filly]

Oh, thank GOD, he is burying her now.  Said he could not do it yesterday or the night it happened.

Rest in Peace now, little girl.

 

 

[AJWCat]

Yes RIP  

[KayC]

Beautiful little kitty, you were loved.

[Filly]

She came to me in a dream, so vivid.  She was a little kitten.  I had not met her as a kitten, but as a lanky, skinny teenager.  In the dream I asked if it were her, and I knew that it was.  I picked her up and played with her belly, cuddled her and it was beautiful, if only for a few moments.  But the dream has given me a bit of comfort about what happened to her and losing her.  Just thought I would let you guys know.  It does happen ... they can choose to come back to visit you.

[KayC]

Oh Filly, I'm so glad for you!  She came back to reassure you, she is okay.  

[Filly]

It was so good to see her again.

[catawampus]

Hi Filly, I'm very late to your original post but I just read it and I'm so heartbroken. I've been having a bad day thinking of my kitty and your story brought me to tears. I'm so very sorry. That beautiful little tortie girl looks so sweet and trusting. We have so many regrets and things we wish we would have done differently that it can be incapacitating. The grief and sadness just takes over. I have so many regrets with my Biscuit-boy. 

But your story reminds me in particular of a little barn cat who lived near my Uncle in my home town in Louisiana. Whenever I would go visit I would sit with her and think of taking her back to Los Angeles with me. But I never did. She was so sweet and had no companions. My Uncle would feed her each day (but never pet her) when he fed his horses he kept down the street from his country home. She was always wanting to lay in my lap and would cling to me when it was time for us to leave. Back in Los Angeles I thought of her often and would call my Uncle to ask about her and beg him to adopt her and make her an inside cat. He never did. And then one day I called and asked about her and he said she had disappeared. She may have been run over by a car, taken by a predator or simply gone off alone to die. To this day I hate myself for not stepping up and doing what I had wanted at the time. I waited too long. I was too late. I should have just taken her back with me, regardless of the expense or effort. I should have ignored my mother's and my uncle's naysaying. That will always haunt me. She deserved so much more than that lonely life in the awful summer heat and the freezing winter cold. 

I hope you have been able to forgive yourself and have found peace in the love you did give her. I hope we can all do that for ourselves.

 

 

 

 

[Filly]

Hey there, Catawampus!  I started to read your story about Biscuit. and it began to remind me of the loss of my Luna Roux, who is pictured in my profile pic on the right.  I had to stop reading through the tears of grief that I still have for her.  I will finish your reading story one day when I feel a bit stronger.

These little souls that come into our lives, for whatever reason, teach us a lot.  I once read that they do come into our lives to teach us and move along when we have learned the lesson, or perhaps the lesson is learned from their moving along.  I don't know for sure, but I do know that this one took a big  chunk out of my heart and left me with a lesson learned.  Her loss also brought back all the grief that I felt for Luna Roux that I had conveniently suffocated with the comforts of other cats.

I'm sorry that we both had to learn the same lesson in such a painful way, but I guess it was meant for us to learn.  Maybe in the future, we will not make these same mistakes again.  It was a difficult lesson. 

The dream I had of her helped me a lot, but I still miss her and see her out of the corner of my eye in the shadows.  I will never forget and will always love her.




 

[catawampus]

Hi Filly,

Luna Roux is a pretty girl. It's just so heartbreaking they leave us so soon. But you are right, they come into our lives and teach us so much. Biscuit taught me patience and to be content in the moment rather than always looking to the future for happiness. I only hope I can take those lessons and continue them without him by my side. There was so much more I wanted to share with him.

And yes, we learned other lessons with the kitties we could not save in time. I do hope I am not so hesitant in the future when a similar situation might present itself. I hope that we both make the right choices and the right moment next time instead of having to look back with regret.

I hope you're feeling better these days. It's a slow, agonizing process forgiving ourselves. But with the help of this wonderful online community, we endure.