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Alexa b

Coping with his suicide

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Alexa b

My boyfriend of 11 years passed away from suicide almost 2 months ago.  We have 2 young children.  He suffered from depression since we met.  He said I always helped him through it all.  There has been times he couldn't work or play with the kids because of his depression and I understood. The 2 months before he took his life he was in the biggest slump I've ever seen him in.  He felt he failed his family because he couldn't work. He also started getting paranoia and felt his whole family was against him.  He thought I was cheating on him and that I was setting him up.  He tried to find proof but never could.  I loved him and only him.  I didn't know how to help him this time around. He tried a psychiatrist and everything but couldn't pull through. 

Then one day he was out and kept calling and texting me so angry that I'm lying to him and he'd love me no matter what I've done to him. I was mad and said this is ridiculous. I had to yell at him for screaming at me and that it was in his head.  Then he started talking about letters he left for me and the kids.  How he'd still always be here for us and watching over us.  Then hung up the phone.  After hours of no word from him his grandmother called me to tell me the police came to her house to let her know he was hit by a train.

For 3 weeks I couldn't focus on anything. I got my kids to school and would lay on the couch crying til they got home.  I'd be strong in front of them though I wanted to just fall apart.  Now it's summer and they are home which is helping me more then I can explain.

The pain is there but I can eat and try to sleep now.  But I keep thinking of how I was mad at him the day he passed. My boyfriend, the love of my life, died thinking his family was mad at him and not happy with him.  In his letters he left for us he told us to flourish and be happy and strong.  He also said he did what he did so he couldn't bring his family down anymore. 

How do I cope knowing how he felt the moments before a horrid death? How do I move on like people say I need to? What do i even do from here? I feel such pain everyday. 

 

I am new to this but feel like hearing from others who been through similar is best. Please let me know if there is anything that helped you.  Or is there something you do or done to honor those who passed in such a tragic death. Thank you all for any thoughts and support. 

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reader

Dear Alexa,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or join a support group in the community or through church. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Grief is a long journey. I also found some of these sites helpful in understanding my feelings.

Grief in Common

Tiny Buddha

What's Your Grief

GriefShare.Org

Grief Recovery Method

Grief Recovery Method.

There are many ways to honor our loved ones. Please know there is no right way. It can be anything from giving a donation in that person's name or lightning a candle each day in their honor.

Please know we are with you and thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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skyokwa

My ex husband took his life a month ago. He suffered from a bipolar disorder. His spending was out of control which was why we divorced.  Now its tough because his family is blaming me for his death and because he left no will everything is in probate.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Dear Alexa B,

I’m so sorry for your hurt, despair and grief. Loss of your love, partner and father of your children. My heart goes out to you. What a blessing to have two beautiful children that give you purpose and comfort. Hold on to that in your darker moments. That they need you and you have them and you will navigate this grief together. What you do now teaches them how they will cope later in life. You are a strong individual to have come this far and have so much courage. God bless you. When I lost my brother in November and I couldn’t stop my circling thoughts about our last conversation, the way he died, the loneliness and self loathing he must of felt and everything else that goes along with it...I had to make a concentrated effort (even though it was near impossible) every day over and over again, to tell myself to forgive myself, forgive him. Even though I knew I wasn’t responsible for his death, I still had guilt. It’s a natural part of grieving (whether it makes sense or not). You sound like you’ve come a long way and are doing the right things. Like writing, reaching out and quality time with your kids. In the weeks after losing my brother, I prayed and pictured in my mind all of those terrible swirling, devastating thoughts and them being lifted up, far away from me and dropped into a volcano to disintegrate. You can do this in your own way. Picture it, feel it, and let it go. Over and over again and I promise you that eventually you’ll feel some relief if you can do this every day. Also let the love that was left in his writing wash over you and know that he understood, loved you so much and his spirit understands that it was a moment and we are human and have emotions. There is nothing wrong in that. People get upset with each other all the time and we never think it will be our last conversation. You had a moment and emotions so many of us feel, say and act out on a regular basis and in no way did it diminish your love for him. He knew that. You didn’t cause him to take his own life. Depression is an illness and that’s what caused it. Not something that you did or didn’t do. You have to make a conscience choice that you are going to...of course feel your feelings and continue to grieve, but to maybe start to say, ok I am going to survive this, I have to and so I will do my best to let go of the heavy burden I am holding of responsibility. It was not my fault. My kids are learning how to cope through me and so I will give myself an hour or two per day for as many days or years as I want... to honor the love, loss and feel and write out and express the pain, and then I will start the rest of my day in the best way I can with hope. You can try to honor the love like writing a sentence, or eating his favorite things with the kids, or sharing something special about him and then next, do something positive for yourself...Like a bath, or a call to a friend, or taking a walk to gain perspective. You don’t have to carry that weight on your back all day every day. You can pick it up and put it down and pick it back up and put it down again. You have to to be able to keep going. He would want that for you. And when I say all of this above, I say it with love, caring and no time limit. Start when you feel ready and do it for as long as it takes. Grief doesn’t leave us, it changes if we feel it, acknowledge it and then guide it into outlets for release. Good days and bad days. There is no definitive map. Just coping the best we can. Heck, lately I’m a mess because I lost my mother two weeks ago and I’m in so much pain...but she would want me to go on and so I’m still doing the things we planned to do together. Crying most of the time and then a moment or two of peace, the anger, then bargaining, then shock and disbelief and it’s ALL ok for me to feel and do that. It a testament to how much I loved her. Love and light to you.

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kerrie1986

Hi, Alexa ,

im sorry for your loss you and your children are going through i to lost my husband to suicide back in 2013 leaving me with 4  children and even now it’s been 5 years I still suffer from his loss, ln the first year I found it helped to write a diary to him like letters I wrote about how I felt when I was angry, felt guilty, lonely, things the kids was doing or learning our youngest was only 14months old at the time so there was always something I felt he was missing and needed a way to feel like he was still with me kept me sane about 18months later I felt just angry at him and stopped writing wrote a last letter telling him I’m not writing any more still have the book and read through it from time to time which again does help. I don’t know if u have already but I also have a memory box filled with items from the funeral cards, photos favourite clothes his after shave memorial book with other people’s memories in aswell as our own. I always add stuff aswell when the kids make Father’s Day cards and rememberance cards (alan was in the armed forces ) going through it makes me feel closer to him. When I went to councilling they told me to write a final letter and go and read it out loud at his grave or final restingq place and then burn it. I haven’t ever done this but it may be something you could consider also let the kids write letters if they are old enough or even do a drawing for him and put it into the memory box.i also have a memorial page on Facebook for him aswell were everyone can add old photos when they pop up, add memories etc it’s another great way to connect everyone and everyone’s memories. Esp if like Alan he has distance friends Hope some of these help xxx 

 

 

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