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lwuest

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The question we all ask is why, why, why???  My only son Steve, age 33, died in a car accident in Feb of this year.  My only sister lost her son, Mel,age 32 in an accident in June of 2006.   Her 5 year old grandson, son of Mel, died in an accident in 2004.  We lost our 34 year old cousin in another accident.  Why so much for one family?

I know there are no answers.   On foot in front of the other...every second of every day

 

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 From my experience... my son was killed at age 13, my sister was murdered, both my parents are dead... there are answers, and I say that because I have found some. Some is way better than none. The hardest part is to go outside of your comfort zone and search until you have found something that puts everything in perspective, finding the big picture.

As Dr. Phil oftentimes says, "how's that working for you." If what you are doing isn't providing answers, then start looking elsewhere. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and the path you are on or perhaps about to walk on is extremely hard as it was for me because I had to search WAY outside of everything that I was taught and believed. I did so because I HAD to make sense of the losses in my life and find out what I was to learn from them.   

Perhaps a good start would be to look carefully at the book reviews on BI. A few great sites that started my re-evaluating everything are

www.fst.org

www.georgeanderson.com

www.brianweiss.com

Take care,

 

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jordansproudmom

You are brave. People have said that to me since I lost Jordan 10/20/07 but you are much braver then I am.  This is so hard sometimes but knowing you've at least pushed through the clouds is promising to me. I start my first grief group in February. I am actually looking forward to it. I need some healing. Hope you're doing well.

 

 

[user=15858]angelzone[/user] wrote:

 From my experience... my son was killed at age 13, my sister was murdered, both my parents are dead... there are answers, and I say that because I have found some. Some is way better than none. The hardest part is to go outside of your comfort zone and search until you have found something that puts everything in perspective, finding the big picture.

As Dr. Phil oftentimes says, "how's that working for you." If what you are doing isn't providing answers, then start looking elsewhere. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and the path you are on or perhaps about to walk on is extremely hard as it was for me because I had to search WAY outside of everything that I was taught and believed. I did so because I HAD to make sense of the losses in my life and find out what I was to learn from them.   

Perhaps a good start would be to look carefully at the book reviews on BI. A few great sites that started my re-evaluating everything are

http://www.fst.org

http://www.georgeanderson.com

http://www.brianweiss.com

Take care,

 

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"from the moment we are born be are destined to die"  Fact.  How & when are up for grabs, the why well I guess we go back to that basic premise.

What takes the life from many of us before we die is the loss that goes before us.  The lack of life allowed to flourish, to grown, to spend the optimum time in that life given to fulfil their lives.

I search outside my comfort zone.  I think of the worst case senarios, waiting for the Coroner to find answers is hard, so I explore outside this world of waiting.

At best it gives me something to do, at worst it raises more questions. 

I read the post here of the mums whose child has been taken through trauma, by someone else who remains.  It is unjust, it is unfair and no jail term or violent outburst changes anything. 

I know, while Micheal did not die traumatically, the fact that his partner took 30 mins to call paramedics brings me to a point of wanting to bang her head into a brick wall until she can tell me what the @*?# she was thinking. 

I need to hear her say what I believe to be the answer.....she watched him take his last breath, walked away returning 30mins later to make the call. Not a violent death and not punishable in a court of law, but to watch someone die before you...........it is hard not to let my mind take me back to the eye for an eye thinking of times gone by.  

I look to the elements of the earth wind fire and water and plead with the essences of Karma to see what has gone before and apply the laws of  restitution..........

Blessed be to those who wait for the laws of the land to acknowledge the loss of those brilliant innocents that have been take by those lost souls who may never find their way back to the living while here on earth.......

 

 

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it's true: no one gets out of life alive. but the death of one's child skews everything as we are not meant to out live them, are not wired to do so emotionally.

What takes the life from many of us before we die is the loss that goes before us.

this is so deeply true, trudi! are those who cannot re-establish a connection with life as it now must be to be judged as weak? i for one will not make that assessment of anyone who walks the path of a parent with empty arms.

i struggle on because cait made me promise and i will not subject my son, now 23 and still traumatized by that gd 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to save his sister, to any more pain and guilty feelings.

i know she's here with me, i've actually seen her once, but the physical is missed, by all who post here.

i was told so often during the 5-yr roller coaster ride of leukemia that i was strong, so strong. i felt a fraud, tho, because they didn't see that i just couldn't bear the thot of this world without my dear girl.

my husband strggles with the 'whys' of it. i am more concerned with the 'hows': how do we go on, how do i help my son, how do i keep focused on those things that we still have and not drown in the grief of what was lost...

 

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The loss continues to take and take.  Steven is my youngest son.  His baby girl turned 1 today.  The celebration was a family picinic day.  His partners family were there, her two brothers and their families, her parents, uncles, aunts and grandparents.  There was Steven and his family, his sister Melissa and her family and us. 

It was such a bright fresh day, kids playing in open grassy fields, great food, drinks, people talking.  All in all a great day.  Jeya took her first public steps!!!

As the day ended my youngest son went missing from the crowd.  His son Zak (5) walked with me as we scoured the car park.  I found his car and there slumped beside it was Steven.  I sent Zak back to play and sat down beside Steven.  He was inconsolable.  Tears flowed, sobbing so hard for his brother Micheal. 

He told me how hard it had been getting everything together for this and Christmas.  His partners family were all together.  While supportive, she didn't understand why after 11 months Steven should still be taking it so hard.  Her life continued to move forward, for Steven, he is locked in the loss.

All I could do was hold him. Once upon a time I would have an answer, be able to console my son, ease his pain.  Now I have no such power. I knew without another word how he felt. I let him know that even for me, my partner struggled with understanding how one day I am fine, but in a heart beat I am worse than I was on day one. He confided that he has the same problem at work. 

Those that have never know loss at this level will never ever understand.  The saddest part is you will never wish this upon them for it is too horrible a wish for even your worst enemy.

 

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here is part of an e-mail i received today from a sister-in-law. one who sent a card when cait died, but no calls, flowers or any real heartfelt gesture...

I have to write to you as your brother, Les is at Strong..going thru

dialysis and you both are STILL feeling sorry about Caitie who is okay

with God and angels.  You both have a son and a grandson..why don't I see

him on line?  Go forward, live for the future.. Yes Caitie was a large

part of your lives but she is now watching over you, and praying that

you will go forth in your lives.  Are you doing that..NO.

it seems she feels that i am grieving too long for my cait. and the wrong way, of course.

why do those who haven't walked this path feel it is alright to write/say shite as if it's on sale?

she either lost a child or a sibling, but the story changes, so i am not sure. but it was decades ago, not 2 yrs.

of course, she ended the email with merry christmas & happy new year.

annie

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I have to believe somewhere this person has had a loss, but not been afforded the opportunity to grieve. 

I know the thinking of you have another son, grandchildren a husband that loves you should be enough and that your other son is at peace, but truly, while in my head I know all that is true, my heart won't hear of it.

I speak with my psychologist once a week and have done for 11 months.  Today he explained that while the first and second years are tough, none of them are easy.  Each is a reminder of the loss and the change in your life eternally.

I know in these past months I have truly been self absorbed.  Many people can't understand why after 11 months I haven't picked up and gotten on with my life.....If you haven't lived it you will never get it.

Keep Cait close, let the others grieve their own way and ask them to afford you your space to heal in your time, your way and offer them the same......

Blessed be - Trudi

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there was so much more to this email that i will not share; suffice it to say that those who need help of any sort are weak.

this woman married my brother just a few years ago; i have only met her a handful of times but have never been anything other than welcoming to her.

while i felt we'd never be 'best buddies' i did not expect my first email from her in 2 years to be an attack...i am not feeling particularly kind right now, especially to people who have no tolerance or compassion. i did stop my husband from responding to her; he would have been less than gracious...

love for us all,

annie

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jordansproudmom

You are allowed to grieve any way you feel it right for you. If it takes years and years then that's what it takes. No one has the right to tell you oterwise.

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Not that this will help, but my psych and I discussed the year of first and he told me that it really isn't the hardest, its the years that follow that reinforce the reality of our loss.

He told me to acknowledge each step forward, but not to be hard on myself when I find I have walked all the way back.  It can take up to 5 years before you make a permanent headway.

Somehow for me it gave me some relief that where I am is where I should be.....

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There are so many aspects of co-ordinating family Christmas that are magnified this year.  This is the year my youngest son and my daughter go to their in-laws.  My brother is committed on that day too.

Christmas Eve is also a bust, other commitments.  So in an attempt to get us all together for our First Christmas I suggested 23rd Dec.  It is more about getting together not the actual day.  After some fancy footwork and a concession to the daughter in law to start later it seemed okay.  A strange calm came over me....it would be okay.

Wrong wrong wrong....my step son is 21st on that day.  He is having a party starting about 3pm.  My husband has arranged for his parents to come to our house and we will all go together.  I declined saying  I wanted to stay with my children, my brother, my family to remember, to cry, to laugh and hold tight to what I know. 

I have only been in the boys lives for 4 yrs and have never really had much to do with them.  My husband can't see what the problem is. 

He says his ex has gone to the trouble of asking me to come and out of respect I should attend.  I suggested I would follow if I was up to it, but don't want to commit to anything.  We spoke about this for what seemed to be hours.  ...he says understands and he feels sad about Micheal not being with us for Christmas, but we should be there for James.  He thinks it would be good for me to get out of the house on that day..........HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT  HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT

I want to SCREAM   ............  happy for you to celebrate your son, to hug him and tell him you love him, to do all the things my heart aches for .... but please please do not ask me to play 'nothing is wrong' while you do it.

Thank you for being here BI buddies...

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[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Not that this will help, but my psych and I discussed the year of first and he told me that it really isn't the hardest, its the years that follow that reinforce the reality of our loss.

He told me to acknowledge each step forward, but not to be hard on myself when I find I have walked all the way back.  It can take up to 5 years before you make a permanent headway.

Somehow for me it gave me some relief that where I am is where I should be.....

but it does help. our grief counselor understood that i especially had an even harder time this 2nd year than the 1st. also the one step forward, three back phenomenon that is inescapable.

i am not here to live up to my sil's standards for grieving. it is a journey that must be taken by us here, unfortunately, but i am exorcising her from my head. i do not need to be made to feel a failure for loving and missing my daughter. 

it shook my self-confidence being attacked, as i truly have no understanding of the reason for it. my husband and son have been supportive, as have you dear ones here. i know i am doing the best that i can at living, surviving, whatever we call it. i am not neglecting my real loved ones. i am doing ok, considering the shite of losing a beloved child. we are where we are; to think it can be forced is ludicrous.

best to all,

annie

 

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i would be reacting the exact same way you are. it is, imho, unreasonable to expect that you would automatically be up to a celebration of a birthday for his son when you want to be amongst those who knew and love your son.

as for the 'trouble' his ex has gone to, what trouble? i do not see where it's a big deal for you to withdraw and do what you need to do.

i hope your dh can understand and de-stress the situation by supporting your needs. even if he cannot understand the whys of it, the fact that you know in your heart what you want to do is what is most important right now.

hugs,

annie

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Annie, many thanks, I have surrended to what my needs and the needs of my remaining children will be on that day. 

I am exhausted by the effort it takes to explain where I am.....I am relaxed and at peace when I stop the struggle, realising that while you still have your son/daughter to hold, to call, to be around you will never understand.

Thanks again.........thoughts are with you....also read your piece on anger......something that goes hand in hand with the loss all too soon of a child.  It takes time to understand it destructive nature, but nevertheless forgiving is not an easy part of the journey......

 

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sweetie, i know your mike is proud of you for your decision. also be proud of yourself. it is a positive thing you are doing, again imho.

we are going to be alone this holiday, as our son is in phoenix with his little boy and the mother/her family. he hasn't seen danny since february.

the thing keeping me going right now is that mick is bringing danny back in january for a 2 month stay with us.

rather than dreading it just being my bill and me, i am trying to just 'be' for the first time in 7 years, cait's illness and mourning her.

hugs,

annie

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[user=18746]k8smum[/user] wrote:

sweetie, i know your mike is proud of you for your decision. also be proud of yourself. it is a positive thing you are doing, again imho.

we are going to be alone this holiday, as our son is in phoenix with his little boy and the mother/her family. he hasn't seen danny since february.

the thing keeping me going right now is that mick is bringing danny back in january for a 2 month stay with us.

rather than dreading it just being my bill and me, i am trying to just 'be' for the first time in 7 years, cait's illness and mourning her.

hugs,

annie

Annie, I think to just be is hard for all of us, but extra hard after enduring an illness only to have her taken.  We have come to a truce for want of better words.  My husband will attend the birthday and we will be home alone for Christmas Eve, a time for us to just be.

The opportunity to spend a block of time with Danny may very well revitalise those parts of your heart and soul lost over the past years.  I have just spent a day with youngest grandson, red haired fiercely independant Caleb.  His wicked smile and 'huggies' tug at my heart saying come on I know you are in there.......

Thoughts as always.....

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We who have lost are truly in another world, another realm, a place where for us time stands still fixed at the second our child took their last breath. 

For others who acknowledge our loss, their world continues to rotate, to move on.  Not us.   i have been lost in the weeks leading up to Christmas, my husbands sons 21st and of course the company Christmas celebration.  I tried for a couple of days by the bay.  This was interupted by calls from Insurance and Solicitors with relation to Micheals death and my working on the day.

I struggled not to let this ruin my break, unsuccessfully.  On my return, having settled in for the night the phone rang, it was my husbands boss, we were expected at a winery for dinner and a show for their Christmas celebration.  The old 'it will do you good' was tramped out and I gave in.....bad decision, I spent most of the night in the gardens crying, wanting to go home, or better yet go to Micheal..neither of us are much for parties.

My kids and families had spent the day with me (23RD) and I will admit, minimal tears, lots of hugs and silent thoughts

Then came the 21st.  Ah yes, the 'you'll be okay'.  ......I attempted to decline gracefully, but again........James (the 21 yr old) had asked me and it was explained it would be rude of me not to at least make an appearance.  The party was to be at my husbands ex wifes home.   We went at about 8.30pm. I was told it would just be James & friends we wouldn't stay long.

 Wrong, what an idiot.  In fairness James did phone to tell his dad the entire in law group (12 adults and 15 kids) had arrived, but this information wasn't passed on.

So like a lamb to the slaughter I went.  I was greeted by the hostile ex inlaws.  My other half, well he was back wasn't he.  These were people he knew and despite divorcing their sister, they held no grudge..my husband left me to reaquaint himself with the family...........and me, well I spent 2 and half hours a group of 18-20 yr olds I didn't know..

I was numb.  I was isolated. I knew only James his brother and their girlfriends, but they were the hosts of the party so I was left.

Finally, after cake and speeches, my husband asked what was wrong and did I really want to go home.........I was stunned.  I tried through tears to tell him how the night had made me feel.  He said he was sorry, he didn't think it would be such a big thing.

WELL IT @#$%*(+ WELL WAS A BIG THING......IT WAS MY FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT MY SON........YOU HAVE YOUR SON......I WANTED TO BE ALONE...NOT PUTTING ON THE BRAVE FACE FOR PEOPLE I DO NOT KNOW NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW......I NEEDED TO BE IN MY SPACE WHERE I CAN FALL APART, SCREAM, SHOUT AND CRY WITHOUT EXPLANATION WITHOUT PRYING EYES OR PLATITUDES FROM THOSE WHO HAVE THEIR INTACT FAMILY AND THEIR NORMAL LIVES..........NEVER NEVER NEVER WILL I EVER GO AGAINST MY INSTINCTS.....THOSE WHO LIVE OUTSIDE THIS WORLD CAN TAKE A FLYING LEAP.........THEY WILL NEVER GET IT....NOT EVEN MY HUSBAND........

I read and article he submitted to the Paramedics Monthly magazine about the worst job that hit him hard......I thought it was about Micheal, how he tried to save him but lost the battle......no it was about another young man that died enroute to hospital after being involved in a head on smash, my husband tells how this is one job he can't get out of his mind.............AMAZING......

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Mikesmum,

   You are so truly right about people understanding our hurt. Until you have walked where we have walked no one can even imagine the pain we deal with everyday. Everyone's life goes on but we are just lost in the numbness of existing. We go through the motions of the holiday but there is no cause for celebration in our lives at this time. As one of my sons told me Mom the holiday is about Jesus birth and said I know dear but it is so hard at this time to feel much only heartache. You just need to do what is best for you to get you through your journey and no to worry about anyone else at this time.... Until someone has walked in your shoes they have no idea!!!!!!  Love Lana

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oh trudi. i am so, so terribly sorry you had to go thru this. i have thot of you often the past few days and was hoping you wouldn't be pressured into a fiasco.

the leader of the Compassionate Friends we used to attend sporadically calls people who have not lost a child so don't get it 'civilians'. there is no way we can make them understand, truly understand. and so many have no idea how fortunate they are compared to us with shattered hopes and hearts.

my 'just be' day didn't work out: i spent most of Christmas day sobbing. i felt sorry for my husband. he is in his own pain and feels helpless when i implode with grief.

again, sweetie, be very kind to yourself for a bit and let yourself rest up from the emotional trauma of this week.

sending light your way, tho a bit weak,

annie

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Annie & Lana - it is true, unless you walk this path you have no idea.  To assume your partner 'gets it' only serves to set you up for further hurt. 

Annie I am sorry you day didn't go to plan.  I wonder where we get the idea that it will? 

My Christmas day started with an SMS from my baby brother (who lost his son 15yrs old 6 yrs ago) He gets it.  Next was one from Mikes ex Lauren, she never stopped loving him (she gets it).  Steven and Melissa were next with phone calls to check in. 

The tears started around 5am and continued throughout the day......those we visited didn't get it......'its been 11 months, he was an adult, you must of known, when are you going back to work' just some of the thoughtless insensitive comments made.

After all the tears and turmoil I am spent.......emotionally and physically drained. 

My babies are off to their respective holidays.  They both phone, worried about me, knowing our toughest days are ahead......they truly get it.....

I thank you for your light and thoughts, believe me, in the wilderness surrounded by those who don't know, it is a warmth, that in many ways enables me to take my baby steps along this path none of us wanted or should have to take.

I send you my energy generated from one who knows to  kindred spirit....

Blessed be........

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[user=16855]lwuest[/user] wrote:

The question we all ask is why, why, why???  My only son Steve, age 33, died in a car accident in Feb of this year.  My only sister lost her son, Mel,age 32 in an accident in June of 2006.   Her 5 year old grandson, son of Mel, died in an accident in 2004.  We lost our 34 year old cousin in another accident.  Why so much for one family?

I know there are no answers.   On foot in front of the other...every second of every day

In my weaker moments, I question why..why were the boys drinking that night, why did they get into the car, why did Matt take such a chance, why di David sit in the backseat, why was MY son the one who died, why did he have to suffer so much, why was it so long until rescue arrived, why couldn't they lift that tiny car off my son while he was screaming....Yeah, lots of questions.

But, when my head is clearer, I am able to think and give myself just a bit of solace. David din't belong to me. I was fortunated enough, no, I was blessed to be chosen as his caregiver while he lived. You see, my faith teaches me that we are all eternal beings, sparks of the Splender, that Spendor being God. We all belong to Him, and eventually we all return to Him. Some of us live long lives, and other very short ones. We don't always get to choose how long. My knowing that David was with me, that I was able to love him for 17 years, and knowing that he is now safe and free of pain helps some.....

the questions pop up, but I give myself these reminders. I hope this wasn't too "preachy", I was just giving you some insight into how I, personally calm myself when it gets to be overwhelming.

Love

Lisa

David's mom

 

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only about 3000 children are dx'd yearly with acute lymphoblastic leukemia; for kids under 15, as cait was when first dx'd, it amounts  to 1 in every 25,000 children.

approx 95% of children reach remission (not as impressive as it sounds for various reasons) and an estimated 75% to 85% live cancer free for 5 years...

so why our cait? and why didn't she get the 5 yrs cancer free?? to my mind it is all a crap shoot. it just effing happened. she fought as hard (or harder) than those i know who have survived. she was as worthy of living as any other young person. she did nothing to deserve the disease. no amount of change of behaviour on her part or ours could have stopped it.

i no longer believe in much other than the ones i love and myself. i saw and had to do too much during that 5 years of her treatment. and she was mine. i carried her, i harbored all the dreams one has for their children, i was the one holding her down every time they had to do a bone-marrow biopsy or lumbar puncture, i was the one who held her head over the toilet while she puked up the little she could often eat...me, with tears streaming down my face. it is my heart that is now shattered.

we need to take comfort where we can. mine comes from being the mom of an incredible girl who, given time, would have become an amazing woman. we don't have the pictures many families do due to the various problems with chemo: moon face from prednisone, bloating, exhaustion etc. it was important for me to respect her right to not be photoed when looking like someone she wasn't.

i am happy for those who find comfort in religious beliefs. but there is neither demon nor god in the loss of our children, IMHO. i believe in an afterlife, but it is not as i was taught most of my life.

blessings,

annie

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/

  

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jordansproudmom

Sweetie you are very long suffering. My own faith is what keeps me going.  I have the promise of seeing Jordan again. I am looking forward to the day!  You have all of the love that David left for you and he took all of your love with him to Heaven. Hope you're trying to get some rest!

Love,

Simone

 

[user=19011]lisaloring[/user] wrote:

[user=16855]lwuest[/user] wrote:
The question we all ask is why, why, why???  My only son Steve, age 33, died in a car accident in Feb of this year.  My only sister lost her son, Mel,age 32 in an accident in June of 2006.   Her 5 year old grandson, son of Mel, died in an accident in 2004.  We lost our 34 year old cousin in another accident.  Why so much for one family?

I know there are no answers.   On foot in front of the other...every second of every day

In my weaker moments, I question why..why were the boys drinking that night, why did they get into the car, why did Matt take such a chance, why di David sit in the backseat, why was MY son the one who died, why did he have to suffer so much, why was it so long until rescue arrived, why couldn't they lift that tiny car off my son while he was screaming....Yeah, lots of questions.

But, when my head is clearer, I am able to think and give myself just a bit of solace. David din't belong to me. I was fortunated enough, no, I was blessed to be chosen as his caregiver while he lived. You see, my faith teaches me that we are all eternal beings, sparks of the Splender, that Spendor being God. We all belong to Him, and eventually we all return to Him. Some of us live long lives, and other very short ones. We don't always get to choose how long. My knowing that David was with me, that I was able to love him for 17 years, and knowing that he is now safe and free of pain helps some.....

the questions pop up, but I give myself these reminders. I hope this wasn't too "preachy", I was just giving you some insight into how I, personally calm myself when it gets to be overwhelming.

Love

Lisa

David's mom

 

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[user=18746]k8smum[/user] wrote:

only about 3000 children are dx'd yearly with acute lymphoblastic leukemia; for kids under 15, as cait was when first dx'd, it amounts  to 1 in every 25,000 children.

approx 95% of children reach remission (not as impressive as it sounds for various reasons) and an estimated 75% to 85% live cancer free for 5 years...

so why our cait? and why didn't she get the 5 yrs cancer free?? to my mind it is all a crap shoot. it just effing happened. she fought as hard (or harder) than those i know who have survived. she was as worthy of living as any other young person. she did nothing to deserve the disease. no amount of change of behaviour on her part or ours could have stopped it.

i no longer believe in much other than the ones i love and myself. i saw and had to do too much during that 5 years of her treatment. and she was mine. i carried her, i harbored all the dreams one has for their children, i was the one holding her down every time they had to do a bone-marrow biopsy or lumbar puncture, i was the one who held her head over the toilet while she puked up the little she could often eat...me, with tears streaming down my face. it is my heart that is now shattered.

we need to take comfort where we can. mine comes from being the mom of an incredible girl who, given time, would have become an amazing woman. we don't have the pictures many families do due to the various problems with chemo: moon face from prednisone, bloating, exhaustion etc. it was important for me to respect her right to not be photoed when looking like someone she wasn't.

i am happy for those who find comfort in religious beliefs. but there is neither demon nor god in the loss of our children, IMHO. i believe in an afterlife, but it is not as i was taught most of my life.

blessings,

annie

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/

  

Annie, my heart breaks when I read more of your story about the beautiful Caitlin.  

I find no solace in the premise of God.    For me the only thing I have read that I find close to a religious truth was on a poster/card.....it read God couldn't be everywhere so he made mothers/grandmothers.

This is reflective of your life with Caitlin.  There is a strength beyond anything found on this earth, intuition and knowledge that reaches far beyond that of the highest academic, a persistence and drive that outlasts the most stoic of men, a soul that stays when all others leave.  These are all qualities relating to mothers who throughout all adversity strive to keep their beloved children safe and alive.

The only failing is the fagility of the heart. It falters in the lonely wee hours and breaks into a million shards of crystal when their child dies.

Cait was blessed to have a mother that saw the inconsistences in treatment and care, ensuring she was always treated with respect and dignity.  I believe Caitlin would have become an amazing woman, she most certainly has a mother who is incredible in her own right.

I believe Micheals energy lives on beyond the bounds of this earth......I believe some day in some way we will meet again, him with a latte for his old mum and me with the need to just hold him close again.

Think of you often Annie.......Trudi 

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