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It feels impossible


Nicole-my grief journey

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Nicole-my grief journey

It feels impossible that I will survive the death of my mother. Watching her suffer and knowing I can’t change whats going to happen is unbearable. I don’t know how much longer she has and every day, every second really, I am terrified. I’ve survived the loss of two siblings, but this is on a whole other level. I know about therapy and support groups and the coping skills. I’ve done them and will again, but in these moments it all feels like too much and the aftermath of what will happen too much. I am so devastatingly heartbroken. 

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Dear Nicole,

Sending you love and hugs, my friend.

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it has been for you. Keep taking it moment by moment.

We are here with you.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Dear Reader,

as always, thank for your love, hugs and support. My mom passed away with me by her side yesterday, July 18th. She is no longer suffering and although I am devastated, I am striving to remind myself that she is now at peace. I have alomg road a head of me and have been breaking down and then have moments of clarity. Definitely my most painful loss. 

Hugs and prayers friend

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Dear Nicole,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your beloved mom. What an incredible daughter you have been and to have spent these moments with her.

Thinking of you and your family during this sad time.

Please know you are not alone and we are here with you.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers. Take care, my friend.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Frances91,

I know that I replied to you on a different post. I’m just seeing your above post now.  I wish I could take away what you’re going through. I know it hurts so bad, is confusing and that there’s fear when you don’t know what the future will be like. I am taking things hour by hour myself. When it was happening I focused on making her as comfortable as I could. Reassuring her of things that I wasn’t certain of, but gave her confidence in things the nurses were saying and doing so that she had less worry and fear. I held her hand a lot. Told her we’re doing this togther, that I wasn’t leaving her. I tried to keep the atmosphere cozy. I took a picture everyday of different flowers blooming and pretty things I would see en route to her and then show her when I got there, the pics on my phone. She enjoyed seeing life outside of the room she was in. She wanted to hear about things going on in other peoples lives and not just only talk of her illness. So anything or anyone you think she would like to hear about, tell her about them in a warm way. Keep it positive for her as much as you can. I always greeted her with a big smile when I walked in the room and told her how beautiful she was (she would then make a “yeah right” face at me, and I would say “You ARE”. “You’re my favorite person and the most beautiful woman in the world”. And when I would leave, I would hug and kiss her and blow three kisses as I left, saying “I love you MuhMuh”. The things that she would say to me like, “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow” and “You are my sunshine, I don’t know what I don’t know what I would do without you”; I wrote down. With the dates she said them to me and I refer to them often now. I cherish them. I had to remind myself when it was all happening that she made her whole life about me for 39 years and now it’s about her. That it’s her moment, her time, her end of life. So I wanted/ needed to make all of it about her and have her remain the main focus. I compartmentalized to be able to do that and then posted my feelings when falling apart on this forum (where I felt safe) and so she wouldn’t have the burden about me and how I was coping or not coping. I also asked her what her favorite flowers were and if there were things that I needed to know, or thag she wanted me to take care of for her. There is no right or wrong. Some parents and kids say all and do all in front of each other. It’s whatever feels right to you in the moment. Somethings we can’t hold back and so it’s ok if she sees you cry and sad. She loves you and knows your heart. You can do no wrong with her. All of it is just so painful and we do the best we can

I tell myself and my dad, when we have our breakdowns (often), that there has to be a reason we are still here. It doesn’t make it easier because we wish we were with her...but since we are still walking this earth, we have to help others and do our best to survive. There is no other alternative. We have to live our best lives for her because she can’t. I show uo to things I know she would want to go to (even though I just want to be crying under a blanket). I always feel better after I do go and feel she is smiling down on me glad that I did it for her.

I’m writing other stuff I did before she passed below (that is hard to do, but I’m letting you know it because it helped me and of course everyone is different...so disregard if it’s too much during this time): At night when I couldn’t sleep, I organized my favorite photos of her and had them printed in preparation for the inevitability of when we would have to do a service for her. Canvas photos can take longer to come in and I chose 4 favorites and ordered them (even though it was tear provoking and heartbreaking to have to do so). I was glad I had them them ready and wasn’t frantically searching. I made a list of her favorite church songs so they could play them at the service (this was separate from the ones I played the night/morning that she passed). I wrote the things I loved about her that I would want to share with others or use in an obituary and chose prayers to have at the service and on her prayer cards. I did this before she passed also because I knew how out if my mind I would be once it happened and wanted less decisions to have for when it did. Oh! And I almost forgot...make sure you know where her important papers are, account info and passwords if you’re going to be the one handling things. I experienced not knowing my brothers and it has been hard. 

God bless. It’s SO overwhelming to say the least and all consuming. But I am proof of someone that is still standing when I thought I couldn’t and wouldn’t be. That’s not to say I don’t fight to do so. I fight everyday to keep going. But I am and you will too. Be as easy as you can on yourself (easier said than done)

Hugs,

Nicole

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1 hour ago, StreamingTheLight said:

Frances91,

I know that I replied to you on a different post. I’m just seeing your above post now.  I wish I could take away what you’re going through. I know it hurts so bad, is confusing and that there’s fear when you don’t know what the future will be like. I am taking things hour by hour myself. When it was happening I focused on making her as comfortable as I could. Reassuring her of things that I wasn’t certain of, but gave her confidence in things the nurses were saying and doing so that she had less worry and fear. I held her hand a lot. Told her we’re doing this togther, that I wasn’t leaving her. I tried to keep the atmosphere cozy. I took a picture everyday of different flowers blooming and pretty things I would see en route to her and then show her when I got there, the pics on my phone. She enjoyed seeing life outside of the room she was in. She wanted to hear about things going on in other peoples lives and not just only talk of her illness. So anything or anyone you think she would like to hear about, tell her about them in a warm way. Keep it positive for her as much as you can. I always greeted her with a big smile when I walked in the room and told her how beautiful she was (she would then make a “yeah right” face at me, and I would say “You ARE”. “You’re my favorite person and the most beautiful woman in the world”. And when I would leave, I would hug and kiss her and blow three kisses as I left, saying “I love you MuhMuh”. The things that she would say to me like, “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow” and “You are my sunshine, I don’t know what I don’t know what I would do without you”; I wrote down. With the dates she said them to me and I refer to them often now. I cherish them. I had to remind myself when it was all happening that she made her whole life about me for 39 years and now it’s about her. That it’s her moment, her time, her end of life. So I wanted/ needed to make all of it about her and have her remain the main focus. I compartmentalized to be able to do that and then posted my feelings when falling apart on this forum (where I felt safe) and so she wouldn’t have the burden about me and how I was coping or not coping. I also asked her what her favorite flowers were and if there were things that I needed to know, or thag she wanted me to take care of for her. There is no right or wrong. Some parents and kids say all and do all in front of each other. It’s whatever feels right to you in the moment. Somethings we can’t hold back and so it’s ok if she sees you cry and sad. She loves you and knows your heart. You can do no wrong with her. All of it is just so painful and we do the best we can

I tell myself and my dad, when we have our breakdowns (often), that there has to be a reason we are still here. It doesn’t make it easier because we wish we were with her...but since we are still walking this earth, we have to help others and do our best to survive. There is no other alternative. We have to live our best lives for her because she can’t. I show uo to things I know she would want to go to (even though I just want to be crying under a blanket). I always feel better after I do go and feel she is smiling down on me glad that I did it for her.

I’m writing other stuff I did before she passed below (that is hard to do, but I’m letting you know it because it helped me and of course everyone is different...so disregard if it’s too much during this time): At night when I couldn’t sleep, I organized my favorite photos of her and had them printed in preparation for the inevitability of when we would have to do a service for her. Canvas photos can take longer to come in and I chose 4 favorites and ordered them (even though it was tear provoking and heartbreaking to have to do so). I was glad I had them them ready and wasn’t frantically searching. I made a list of her favorite church songs so they could play them at the service (this was separate from the ones I played the night/morning that she passed). I wrote the things I loved about her that I would want to share with others or use in an obituary and chose prayers to have at the service and on her prayer cards. I did this before she passed also because I knew how out if my mind I would be once it happened and wanted less decisions to have for when it did. Oh! And I almost forgot...make sure you know where her important papers are, account info and passwords if you’re going to be the one handling things. I experienced not knowing my brothers and it has been hard. 

God bless. It’s SO overwhelming to say the least and all consuming. But I am proof of someone that is still standing when I thought I couldn’t and wouldn’t be. That’s not to say I don’t fight to do so. I fight everyday to keep going. But I am and you will too. Be as easy as you can on yourself (easier said than done)

Hugs,

Nicole

Your words have touched me on another level , and I am eternally grateful that you have taken time out of your day to give me insight and peace . I just got done massaging my moms feet and she fell asleep. Tomorrow morning she is being picked up to be put back in a facility on hospice instead of at home, it’s been an incredibly hard five days and I feel like a failure that my sister and I were not able to give her the best care she deserves. Fortunately our mom , even on her death bed gives us comfort by letting us know she is not mad or disappointed and that she knows we tried our best. I think it’s just something I’m gona beat myself up about later. I think what has been the hardest part is seeing her body change and having days where she’s alert and chatty and then days where she can’t even speak or open her eyes . It’s hard not knowing when exactly it’s going to happen . Now I know every time my phone rings I’m going to be on edge .  It’s like I want this journey to be over for my moms sake I hate seeing her in pain but at the same time my selfish side wants to take her off hospice and go get her a blood transfusion so that we can have more time . My poor mommy , god I love that woman ... I’m sorry my response is all over the place , it’s 1am and my mind is everywhere, restless!

B2A51EB3-B56C-4EF1-B774-DBE983983610.jpeg

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I’m so sorry for your loss and I am hoping that you and your father are doing okay as time goes on. I’m currently in almost the same situation you are in but with my grandmother. My mother is not handling it well at all and says she feels like she’s dying with my grandmother. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired and just want everything to be okay.

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Nicole-my grief journey

MT23,

Thank you for your reply. I have so much emotion and empathy in my heart for what you are going through. My father and I are still standing when I thought we wouldn’t be. It takes effort and I am not comstantly without worry for his well being. I do my best to take care of myself so that I can be there for him amd others too. What you’re going through is exhausting and the unknowns induce anxiety. While this is happening, just continue to share your love with them. Don’t leave things unsaid and in your actions too they’ll know that they are so loved. I blew my mom three kisses every time I entered and left her room. While I was in there I gave her foot massages, lotioned her hands and reminded her how beautifuk she was inside and out. I let her know she was my favorite person and when I was with her I was her strength. I would cry by myself and let go of it before she would see me. It’s ok too to feel everything in front of them too. There is no right or wrong. I just knew my mom needed my strength and si that’s why I left my heartbreak outside the room. I played her music and movies. I sat in silence in the room when she needed it amd above all, I focused on helping her maintain her dignity and feminity because in the hospital she felt like she was losing that. I did my best to talk about things she liked or was interested in before she was sick. Showed her pictures of her flowers and garden. Prayed with her. And when she said to me “I’m worried about what will hallen to you if I’m gone. We’re so close that I worry you won’t be okay.” I reassured her that I would (even though I didn’t feel that way). A soft blanket really helped her with comfort. Now, I remind myself daily what I promised her “that I would be okay” and so I keep going. I honor my grief and do my bes to celebrate her and do the things we would do togther. No amount of time would ever be enough with someone we love so dearly...Our mothers and grandmothers who are in every cell of our bodies. You will survive this and your mom will too. I know it feels impossible right now. Try not to think ahead and if you can, use a resource like a counselor, or therapist, or group meeting. Let them know you have anticipratory grief. We are here for you. Sorry that I wrote so much, but I really care. I’ll be thinking of you and them and sending thoughts of peace, love and courage.

hugs,

Nicole

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