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My soul dog is gone and I don’t want to live without him


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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time writing in this forum. I am very glad I have found it, because I am grieving so very bad and I am having a hard time coping. It has been 46 days since I had to (had no choice) say goodbye to my baby girl Heidi. She is an 11 1/2 year old Beagle. Pretty sad hey, I don't have the heart to refer to her in past tense. I also lost my dad back in April on the 21st. Not to take anything away from my dad, whom I love with all my heart, but this is hitting me a lot harder.

My husband, son and myself, including Heidi were to go camping, but before we were to go, Heidi didn’t seem quite right. She seemed fine in the morning, ate her breakfast, but within an hour deteriorated very fast. We took her to the vet and they said she had two blood tumors that ruptured. They could not do surgery on her as she was too far gone. It all happened within an hour and a half. We had no choice but to put her down. My husband started to panic and say, “Whoa! I brought my dog here for you to fix her and not put her down”. But, we had no choice. I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years and never seen him cry once!! He sobbed when we had to put Heidi down.

Some days have gone by now, and my husband and son seem to be handling things fine, but I just can't seem to move forward. The only way I can explain the depth of my pain and anguish is as if I personally gave birth to my baby girl Heidi. That is the depth of how much I truly love her. And my bond with her was as if she was my own child. The pain hasn't subsided and I can’t seem to get past this. I cry and sob everyday.... still. I have to hide it from my husband as he feels I should be getting past this now.  I miss her so much and my heart aches for her, and longs for her. She is my support system and my co-pilot in life. She went everywhere with me. The mornings are the worst, when I get out of bed and sit on the edge of my bed and realize she is no longer with me. How do I go on with my day??? And come home to an empty house, no more greetings. 

Everything in our house is as it was before she past. I do not want to put away her blankets or her bed or her food or water dish. It can stay there FOREVER!! I look at her pictures and I cry uncontrollably. I often smell her blankets just to get her scent. I wish I was with her. Not to the point that I want to harm myself. I am 50 years old, and for example,  if I live to be 80, that means I have to live without my Heidi for another 30 years!!!! That really makes me sad now and I cry.

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Hi Pam

I am so sorry for your grief and what you are going through at the moment. Heidi is a beautiful dog and it's OK to think of her in the present as she will always be alive in your heart. Two months ago we took our 9 year old chocolate Labrador Ben to the vets to have a routine X-ray on his tummy and never brought him home. They found he had liver failure, jaundice and swollen pancreas. He hadn't been himself for a couple of days but we had no idea he was so ill and fully expected to bring him home with us. On top of the other issues he had there was no way he could have got through this without even more suffering and the kindest thing we could do for him was to release him from his pain. My Husband and I were devastated by the loss. I felt exactly like you are feeling now and even now after over two months have past, although I am beginning to feel a bit better, the tears are still not far away. It is as though by releasing them from their pain we take it on ourselves. Just remember how much Heidi loved you, she would not want you to be suffering so much. You gave her the greatest gift of all by putting her needs in front of yours and letting her go. We still have Ben's toys and things lying around too, I can not bear to move them. Things will get better for you in time, believe me, one day you will begin to think of Heidi and smile instead of sob. I am not there yet but I am beginning to get there. Please just take one day at a time and cry as much as you need, that is the body's way of expelling the grief. People cope with loss in different ways and although your husband and son appear to be coping, they will still be suffering inside. My Husband seems to  coping better than me, but I can still see the grief surfacing at times. I found this forum a tremendous help and keep coming come back to it when Ii have a bad day or when the tears won't stop. It's comforting to be with other people who are suffering along with you. I wish I could say more to make you feel better but you will get there eventually, take care x

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Pam,

My first thought when I came here and saw her pictures was, OH NO!!  She is so beautiful and her eyes...I knew she was someone's beloved and someone is missing her horribly.  I understand your feelings about her, my dog is like my soul mate in a dog, outside of losing my husband, I can't imagine any loss would be so great as losing my dog.  I lost my husband 13 years ago, my mom four years ago, my oldest sister a few months ago.  While we love our parents, for most of us it's been many years since they were part of our every day existence, where our everyday actions and habits are intertwined, where we exchanged so much love and support with them...as we do our dogs.  My dog is 10 1/2 and as a large breed with health issues...it scares me.  My cat is 23 and on borrowed time.  I've lost so many animals over the years, I've always had animals and I'm 65 now so that's a lot of losses.  It seems it only gets harder, maybe because I'm alone now with my animals, they are my family and our bonding is great.

People grieve differently, but often men and women have different ways of grieving too.  See: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/943-different-ways-of-grieving/?tab=comments#comment-3749  

It's important to respect each other's differences and allow each other our own grief patterns.  It helps to know that while there is a beginning to our grief, that doesn't mean there's an ending...BUT our grief doesn't stay the same.  Throughout our grief journey (the rest of our life) our grief evolves as we begin to adjust to the changes it means to our lives.  In the beginning we have shock, all of the daily habits and patterns we have established are disrupted and act as triggers for intense grief as they remind us of how much we are missing them.  In time we begin to develop a "new normal", that is the daily patterns have been changed so that we no longer expect the person or dog to come through the door, or in the case of our dog, we no longer expect to take them for a walk or feed them or for them to jump up on the couch and cuddle with us.  This displacement of our everyday patterns takes place whether we want it to or not, but it's part of our body's way of adjusting to even the unthinkable...our loss.  Some people try to hang onto their grief, scratching and clawing, as if somehow our grief holds our attachment to them...but it doesn't.  It's important to realize that it is okay to smile...not in a forced fake way, but when it emerges, to allow it, because it's not our grief that binds us to them, it's our love, and that continues, you needn't fear losing that.  They have transformed into what is next for them and someday we will join them when it is our time and not before.  For now, know they still love you, you still love them, no mere physical death of the body changes that...love is eternal.  Allow that thought to bring you comfort!  I know, we still miss the physical exchanges, we didn't want things to change!  Some people cry, some do not.  If you can shed the tears, let them flow, they're like a release valve on a pressure cooker, it helps to let some of it out.  Some people hold back the tears willingly because they're afraid if they start, they'll never stop.  Don't fear that, you won't cry forever.  But neither should someone worry if they are not a tear-shedder, we grieve differently.  I have learned over the years to carry my grief inside of me, kind of a quiet sadness, it is always with me, even though I may smile or laugh or enjoy my grandchildren.  I have lost dogs and adopted other dogs.  One does not replace another but our heart enlarges for them all.  I've learned to appreciate each of them for the qualities they have.  I still miss the ones I've lost, even though years have passed by.  The missing them goes on the rest of our lives...I've learned to coexist with my grief.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can see how sweet she is, and I know your pain is immense.  (((hugs)))

 

 

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hello KayC and BensMum,

Thank you so much for both your comforting and loving words. And I am truly sorry for both of your losses. I am trying to keep things in perspective. My head tells me the logical side of things, but it's my heart that seems to rule everything else, logically out. I feel terribly selfish and silly when read about all of your losses KayC. You have been through much my dear, and you sound like one very strong lady!! I wish I had your strength.

And BensMum, I truly sympathize with your loss of gentle Ben. I understand your devastation. I wish I was feeling better, and  I am glad you are starting to feel a bit better. And you are right, Heidi would not want me to be suffering anymore about her passing. But she is interwoven in my heart. Everywhere I look in my house there is some memory of something....she is everywhere. Everyone tells me think of the good memories you had with her. When I do, that is what brings on the tears and sadness, because I miss those good memories and I know I won't be creating anymore new ones with her. Other people tell me to get a new dog. But I just can't! I know I would be constantly comparing that dog to my Heidi and that wouldn't be fair. And honestly, I don't want to go through the pain anymore. I know there are a lot of "mourners" besides me that are going through the same thing, if not worse than me. But at the same time ones own grief seems to be the worst, when in actuality, its not. There are much worse out there!!

I can't help missing my Heidi, she has helped me and taught me much about selflessness and love. She is a kind and gentle little spirit. How I wish that dogs life spans were longer!

Thanks again, both of you......lots of hugs.

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I've often wished the same thing that dogs lived longer, horses do, if only dogs could live that long!

Yes they are woven into our hearts.  I know that I will adopt another dog someday, I don't want fear to stop me, fear of grief and pain, otherwise it wins, and I don't want to give it that kind of power over me to rule my life.  It's good to take the time to grieve, but I couldn't expect another dog to be like Arlie, any more than I expected Arlie to be like Lucky, never were there two more opposite dogs!  I've learned, instead, to appreciate the good about each one.

I've heard it said, by a grief forum administrator and grief counselor, that the greatest grief there is, is your own, and I think that to be true.  Comparisons devalue, they do no good, it's good to allow your grief to be validated for what it is, to you it is the greatest grief in the world, so don't compare your loss to anyone else's...yes we can always find others going through what we consider worse circumstances, but that devalues our own grief, when in fact, the grief we feel, the feelings we feel, are very worth validation.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.  I see the sweetness in Heidi's eyes, and if I, a stranger, can see that in her picture, I can't begin to imagine what all you must feel inside your heart for her.  One day at a time...

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@Pam@Ilovemybeagle Read your story about sweet adorable Heidi. My heart breaks for you. I know what you are going through, the sudden loss - how horrible. One moment everything is fine the next minute she is gone. 

After losing my cat (from what I think was poison) he died within about 2 hours at an emergency clinic, I went into shock. Could not eat for a couple days. I did not function well at all. I have no kids, he was like our child. My husband and I were on a long working vacation which turned into a nightmare. At 46 days I was still about where you are. Functioning better but very sad. Sometimes I felt crazy. My husband who was equally devastated still had no desire to constantly talk about what happened and our loss. Often I would cry in the shower. Alone. In agony. :( 

All this said, I dealt with the grief, somehow dealt with the ache and the pain each and every day. Ever so slowly the pain fades. I am over a year now. Still sad. I am still traumatized by what happened, but I have healed enough. Never fully maybe? Keep writing posts and reading posts here it really helped me. I wish I had more wisdom but do know you are not alone.  

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hello KayC, thank you very much for you kind words of support. I couldn't help but cry. It makes me so happy that I don't know any of you, only by this website and it seems funny, that from perfect strangers you get more support than from most of your closest friends and family. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you and your words of wisdom.

 

Hello AJWCat, also I would like to thank you for your kind words as well. You sound just like me, I cry in the shower as well. I don't want to upset anyone that I am still holding on to my grief. That is absolutely horrible, I feel for you losing your cat in that way. Our pets are so innocent. And they are only here, in my opinion for love and to give love unconditionally. Why does such bad thing have to happen to them? It angers me. I am glad that you are at a relatively good stage right now. I wish I could day the same. But I know it will take time. Thank you again, and like I told KayC, I appreciate you and your words of wisdom.

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When it comes to loss, family/friends may not get it if they haven't been where you are, many pet owners don't develop deep attachments to their pets so can't understand our anguish, and many more have opted not to have pets so really don't get it.  We are the ones that have felt the pain and the agonizing hole in our hearts.

It may very well take time, but I pray you'll get there and at least have some peace and healing.

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Yeah, I actually went through an "anger" phase of my grief. So mad that my sweet cat had to suffer at all. Of course you are not at a good stage, it just is what it is. Be patient with your process. Take care of yourself.   

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Grief i think has to be one of the worst possible things to experience.  Losing my soul dog was the worst thing that has happened to me for sure...I have had lots of heartbreak but nothing compares to this...

This forum has been a life saver for me as there are certainly people in our lives that just don't 'get it'...they don't understand the bond and connection we have with our babies...the bond I had with my poopa was literally otherworldly - there is and will never be another connection like that...funny thing is - i had a horse growing up and my connection with him was so strong, i always believed my boy had part of my horses, if not all, his soul...i believed my horse came back to me through Milo and our connection grew even stronger.  I had communicated with an animal communicator after he died - and she said that he has the option of coming back.  i told her I didn't want him too as i know he already did come back - i will meet him where he is one day rather!

I have good days and BAD days - when the bad days come - they come with a vengeance - but over time the good days start outweighing the bad...you never forget them (how can you) - you just have to move on...knowing that one day you will be with them again.  

I had a very weird dream the other night - scary to a point, but my boy was there and that just made the whole dream worth dreaming...the scary stuff didn't even matter, because i saw and loved my baby!!! I am so thankful for those dreams...i hold on to seeing him one day!!!

I miss you more than the deserts miss the rain and I love you more than stars in the universe my most precious poopaloopa, papa, mr helicopter tail!  I will see you again one day!

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Oh my dear Kastine!

I cried when I read your post. You are so, soooooo, right!!! This forum is a life saver. I am still having more bad days than good. I really understand your bond with your beloved Poopa. He sure looks like a gentle soul. So happy and carefree. I always think of that song by "Heart" called "Dog and Butterfly" and I think of all our beloved babies chasing butterflies in heaven happy and just waiting for us.

I miss my Heidi so much, my bond with her is as if I had given birth to her. She is my girl, my sweet baby angel, the love of my life, my soul mate, my little Baaba.  I only had one dream of her so far. I wish I had dreams every night of her. It is so hard to move on, when she was always by my side. Someone I could always count on. I'm sorry, it's one of those BAD days today. I will get through it. Thanks for being there and helping me get through this.

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You loved your fur baby so much and he knew it. Be happy for the brilliant memories and let go of the guilt, he would not want that. Heartfelt wishes I understand what you are going through.

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I had ZERO dreams of my cat for the first couple months. So disappointing. Finally, I had one but it was odd, he was barely in it and ran off. So strange. I recently had one with the two cats I had in college/early 20's and he was also in it but again not clearly. 

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It was over a year before I dreamed of my husband, I couldn't understand it because he was my world.  I guess it's weird how dreams work.  Maybe we just sleep too deep to remember.

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I miss you too much my poopaloopa!!! We will be moving out the house in 2 weeks ... the house I bought for u and us... it feels like I’m saying goodbye to u all over again... though I wish more than anything you were coming with to start our new life in another town...I met u on the streets of this city and I’m so thankful for having moved here 6 years ago because of that reason alone... and now I will say goodbye !!!! The tears for you won’t stop falling these passed few days... it’s been 7 months and I just want you back my most wonderful boy!!!! I struggle so without u!!! I wish I could just hold u and love u again!!!! I know your spirit is with me all the time yet u feel so far from me! You’re the light of my existence and my true happiness! 

Ill love you forever and always my beautiful magnificent boy!!!!

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Hi Kastine, sending you big hugs, and wish you well in your new home. Your boy will always be with you wherever you go. It is 7 months too for us since we lost our beautiful boy Ben and the pain is still with us. We really should focus on the happy memories but it's not really as straightforward as it seems. Hope you find some peace, take care x

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Kastine, I love the picture of you two looking at each other, very precious!  BensMum is right, you will always carry him with you in your heart, even after you've left the home you shared.  I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead.

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hi Kastine,

I am with you!!! It has been since July of 2018. and I haven't stopped crying yet. I have cried everyday for my beloved HEIDI. I miss her so much. My parents also passed away in 2018. My dad in April and my mom on my birthday this past October. So the pain and anguish and emptiness has not been kind to me. I have cried tears everyday for the past 300+ days. I am a total mess. Everyone tells me it takes time,....I truly feel for you and I totally understand what you are going through. Make a special spot in your new home in memory of your beloved boy. He is always with you, right by your side and will never leave you. He will be the first one to greet you on the other side! He will push everyone else out of the way, just to lick your face and never to leave your side again.

God Bless and good luck in your new home :)

 

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Hi Pam

My thoughts are with you too, you have been through so much in the past year. I read somewhere that a dog's greatest wish in life is to give happiness. Heidi was such a beautiful girl and she would not want to see you so unhappy and making yourself ill. I hope you too find some peace in the future for yourself and for Heidi's sake .It will take time though, especially as you are still grieving for your parents, life is so cruel sometimes. I am still shedding tears after 7 months but not every day now, things are gradually improving and I hope the same for you. Take care x

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Thank you so much BensMum, for your kind words, things are still pretty raw, not very happy and just struggling to get through the days....

 

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Hi Pam

Just hope you are feeling a bit better now, things have to get better for you in the future, take care & keep well  xx

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hi BensMum,

I wish I could say I am getting better......I break down everyday and just cry. I wish I could go for at least one day of not crying and being so sad. But I love them so much and I just miss them so, so much. I get so consumed sometimes with my grief.

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Hi Pam

Please don't worry about crying, crying is a healing process and each time you cry it lets out a tiny bit of grief until the grief eventually subsides. The sadness will remain but there will be good memories too. You have so much to grieve about so it will take time. Would it maybe help you to see a grief councellor to talk things through? You will get there eventually, take care x

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hello BensMum,

Yes, I did think about grief counselling, but it is so terrible expensive here. If I feel REALLY bad or I am having a bad day, I will usually come here to this website.

All of you are so wonderful and helpful. Knowing that I am not alone really helps.

 

Pam

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Jhbgrl

I know exactly how you feel.

The love of my life and soul mate dog is gone.

Its been 6 months and i cry everyday. A huge part of me is missing. Nothing can replace him. 

My angel from heaven dog of my life

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KayC

I look at the date on my last post and back then my life was good, my dog was not yet diagnosed with cancer...my life has not been the same since.  Diagnosed 6/7/19, died 8/16/19.  My BS went sky high for seven months so 2020 I went on Keto and got my health back under control, consider it was Arlie's last gift to me.  I love and miss him with every ounce of my being, I always will.  He was my soulmate in a dog.

Welcome @Jhbgrl  I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing my Arlie was the hardest thing I've ever been through, along with having lost my husband 15 1/2 years ago, it felt much like that did.  Our dogs are our lives!  They are loving, accepting, forgiving, so sweet.  They never did anything wrong to deserve this.  Watching him suffer was the worst...even clear up to the end, he kept trying to smile, even when he looked and felt his worst.

When you are able, perhaps you'll tell us a little more about him?  I wrote stories about my Arlie here, it was very therapeutic to document some of his life.

Our cancer journey and his subsequent passing here...

This was him just before he died, still smiling albeit weakly

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Gary55

Hello  @Jhbgrl, welcome. So sorry to hear this, if you feel up to talking on here don't hesitate, everyone is lovely. I've no idea of how I'll be after 6 months, I can't imagine all that time without my boy who passed 3 weeks ago. I'm sure you'll find comfort here. 

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

Hello everyone,

Boy, it sure has been awhile since I posted last. I am so truly sorry for your losses. This past year has been exceptionally hard. There has been so many different losses for many, many people. It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost my beloved canine soul mate and I still cry for her everyday!! I love her so much and miss her, she was everything to me. I am hoping that this year will get better for everyone......

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KayC

Beautiful, Pam, thank you.  It's been nearly 1 1/2 years since I lost my Arlie, change she to a he and that could have been written for me.  :wub:

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

God Bless Kay:wub:, I can hardly wait for my beautiful reunion.

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KayC

I know, me too!  I can't wait for Kodie to meet Arlie!  They will love each other!

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

I can see myself with Heidi running at me and into my arms and my mom and dad coming right behind her, tears streaming down my face and me screaming at the top of my lungs with extreme joy. I will hold them in my arms once again and I will never let go!!.....

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