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My soul dog is gone and I don’t want to live without him


Kastine

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On Thursday night last week I took the love of my life back to the doc as he wasn’t looking well.. it all started about 2 months ago where he was coughing and gagging a lot. I took him to the doc and he had X-rays which picked up a mass / tumor on his heart which was pushing up on his larynx causing the coughing. He put him on Cortizone meds, antibiotics and asthma pills.  When we got home he was so perky and just so happy for a long while... last week I started noticing his eyes were droopy and when he look at me I could see the redness part of his eye... I noticed he hadn’t really eaten his food but was still wanting to eat... I ended up feeding him while he was lying on the floor... he gobbled it up... I decided to call the doc and let him know these new symptoms and after chatting decided it was best to just take him in for a quick check up... I took him the next day and he had more X-rays and the tumor had spread to his lungs and was also suffocating his aorta...the doc said there wasn’t any more they could do as it was spreading quickly... he had lost about 7kg in under a month....never weighing less than 38kg... he weighed 31.7 that day... in my absolute distraught state I didn’t think of just taking him home and maybe giving him more meds to ease whatever possible pain he was in and hope for the best... I just agreed to let him go cause that’s what the doctor said would be the best thing for him....he fell back in my arms once the fluid had gone in him and I will never forgive myself for not even trying to prolong his life even for a little while... he was and is my whole life and my heart and soul... I picked him up from the streets 4 years ago but he was the one who actually rescued me!!! He was my world!!!! I want him back and I want to go back to the doc and say I’m taking him home rather...I want to have stopped him before he pushed down on the syringe... I want my boy back... I hate myself everyday for stealing his life...I just want my baby back ... I don’t know how I am supposed to live without him... the guilt is killing me... the thought of him not near me is killing me... I just want to go to wherever he is!!!!! I miss you more than you know and love you even more my papa, poopaloopa sweetness... my love of my life!!!!

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Jack Russell

Oh my goodness I know exactly how you feel when you have put your loved one to sleep. I felt exactly the same. I have tortured myself that I did not do the right thing and perhaps there was something else I could of done.  One minute they are there and then they are gone.  Constant companions in our life giving nothing but love.  My heart goes out to you.  

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Kastine, Jack Russell is right, it's common to feel this way afterwards, but the truth is, your vet was right, it was time, before he had to suffer any more.  You wouldn't want him to live with his lungs like that and suffering, it is not a good way to go.  You gave him the best life you could for the time he had, and I know how hard it is to do without them when they're gone, it's the hardest thing in the world!  My heart goes out to you.  We want one more day with them, but that is for us, not for them.  Sparing them the suffering is the kindest thing we can do for them.  Guilt and regret are part of our grief, we want so much to rewrite the outcome, to find some other way, but often that isn't a viable option.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

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On 7/8/2018 at 9:33 PM, Kastine said:

On Thursday night last week I took the love of my life back to the doc as he wasn’t looking well.. it all started about 2 months ago where he was coughing and gagging a lot. I took him to the doc and he had X-rays which picked up a mass / tumor on his heart which was pushing up on his larynx causing the coughing. He put him on Cortizone meds, antibiotics and asthma pills.  When we got home he was so perky and just so happy for a long while... last week I started noticing his eyes were droopy and when he look at me I could see the redness part of his eye... I noticed he hadn’t really eaten his food but was still wanting to eat... I ended up feeding him while he was lying on the floor... he gobbled it up... I decided to call the doc and let him know these new symptoms and after chatting decided it was best to just take him in for a quick check up... I took him the next day and he had more X-rays and the tumor had spread to his lungs and was also suffocating his aorta...the doc said there wasn’t any more they could do as it was spreading quickly... he had lost about 7kg in under a month....never weighing less than 38kg... he weighed 31.7 that day... in my absolute distraught state I didn’t think of just taking him home and maybe giving him more meds to ease whatever possible pain he was in and hope for the best... I just agreed to let him go cause that’s what the doctor said would be the best thing for him....he fell back in my arms once the fluid had gone in him and I will never forgive myself for not even trying to prolong his life even for a little while... he was and is my whole life and my heart and soul... I picked him up from the streets 4 years ago but he was the one who actually rescued me!!! He was my world!!!! I want him back and I want to go back to the doc and say I’m taking him home rather...I want to have stopped him before he pushed down on the syringe... I want my boy back... I hate myself everyday for stealing his life...I just want my baby back ... I don’t know how I am supposed to live without him... the guilt is killing me... the thought of him not near me is killing me... I just want to go to wherever he is!!!!! I miss you more than you know and love you even more my papa, poopaloopa sweetness... my love of my life!!!!

Thank you KayC and Jack Russell.

My partner took me away as he was going to go away for a week to visit his kids and I was going to stay at home and spend quality time with my 2 babies...then that dreaded day came and one of my babies (my absolute soul dog) was no longer there... if I had stayed at home alone for this week who knows what I would have done to myself! I’m thankful to him for taking me away... I’ve been surfing everyday which keeps my mind off but yesterday I saw in the clouds the shape of a dog lying down and I was hoping it was him! I feel better when I’m in the water, but the rest of the time my heart yearns for him... I’m not looking forward to going home where he won’t be! I feel as though I’m going dead inside because he was my soul and I have that no longer! 

Thank you KayC for the links... I’ll read them over and over again...

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I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. I understand your heartbreak and I know it well. From reading your story you did the right thing ending his suffering. You really did. It was the harder thing for you but the kind thing for him. My heart goes out to you.   

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4 hours ago, Kastine said:

I saw in the clouds the shape of a dog lying down

Maybe a sign letting you know he's okay!  I'm glad your partner is thinking of you, I know this is hard.

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I want to die to go be with my boy! I’m home now after being away and cannot bear to be in this house without him... my mind feels as though it’s going crazy and I feel so lost! I don’t know what to do with myself! I can’t live without him’

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I know you're feeling that way and it's overwhelming.  I want to post for you what I wrote based on what I learned after the death of my husband.  It takes time to adjust, but I sincerely hope you'll give yourself ample time and patience to do just that.  And I hope you'll see a grief counselor, they have them for pet loss too.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Jack Russell

Kastine I know how you feel.  I have had days where I thought I could not possible get through this.  The next day might be better with a few distractions going on. Then wham I am back where I started crying all over again. My head going over and over the loss of her. It is hard to understand sometimes why to love is so hard when the end is the soul destroying agony of loosing our beloved companions.  I keep seeing my little Kellys face in agony but still trying to get up to greet me.  I know she loved me and I repaid her by making the decision to put her to sleep as she was so damaged.  How can I forgive myself for putting her in the hands of someone who mistreated her.  I feel your pain. I have tortured myself more by now looking at websites of doggie daycare facilities and people who are prosecuting these kind of people for not looking after their dogs properly. But..... Why did I not look before. Why did I not find out more before I put her in that situation. By beautiful Kelly gone and my heart is breaking. Let us go through our pain together. I feel like you, that to live is just agony without the them, but at the same time live we must.  What about you partner and your other lovely baby. How would they cope without you. They need your love.  This grief is a terrible thing but pass it will in time. I felt I would never survive the loss of my mum and dad, but I did. It just takes time. Pure agony along the way, but time. Lots of love to you x x

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I wish you could think of it in a different light...you didn't "repay her by..." as in giving up on her, rather you didn't make her endure any more suffering and put her needs ahead of your own.  You would have liked to have kept her with you many more years...instead you thought of her first, and rather than let her suffer, you took on the suffering in her place.

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Jack Russell

Thank you KayC your right.  I don't know why I feel like that but I do.  I felt as if I didn't do enough for her.  I miss her so much.

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I think we always feel that way...but feelings aren't necessarily fact or rational.  You were a good pet parent and would have done anything for her.  I wish our pets could last our whole lives, but then we'd probably have pets without parents to take care of them and that is scary to think about.

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Kastine, I was just posting on other thread and wanted to share with you too: when we open our hearts to our animals and love so deeply we are basically guaranteeing pain as we will lose them... and no matter how many months or years, it is never enough. But it is still worth it. Having had them is still worth it right? I know you are so sad. I was there. Everything I looked at was colored darker because I didn't have our cat anymore. If that is you too, that will slowly fade. I don't know how but it does.

I say my heart broke (and literally felt like too) when our cat died so suddenly. And now it is healed... with a big crack still. That crack is for my cat who I loved so so much. Give your heart time to heal, it is all you can do.  

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Thank you everyone... I’m so grateful i found this forum and you wonderful people who understand the intense pain... I’m trying hard to feel anything at the moment... but all I feel is lost... my partner says he misses me because I’m ‘not here’ most of the time... I’m trying to focus on him and our other little dog but my boy was my whole life and everything I have was for him... it’s like I just don’t care about anything else anymore...Completely lost!! My sweety was my purpose for the 4 years I was privileged enough to know him and now I just don’t know what to do with myself...I know I need to try to find another purpose or reason to fight forward and make life better but I’m struggling so much to get any sort of motivation for anything...

I literally feel the hole in my heart, the hole that he filled up and overflowed 4 years ago.... now it’s just bigger and there’s no other love in the world that can replace that... we had a very special bond and I just miss him too much! 

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It takes much time to process our grief, it's very hard.  I've learned not to compare, but for myself I know that the hardest losses I've had to deal with are the loss of my precious husband, we were soulmates, and the loss of my pets...I've had many many losses, parents, grandparents, niece and nephew, sister, friends, so I know loss, but when you lose your immediate family member that lived with and interacted with you daily such as your pet, their love is so unconditional, our interaction so strong, they're part of our daily routine, the loss is so keenly felt that we feel distraught.  It takes much time and I can't say we "get over" it, but in time we adjust some and learn to function, but always they continue in our heart.  I've learned to carry my grief inside of me, it's always with me, I can still do things, I can still enjoy life, but it's always there, existing simultaneously.  In the beginning all we feel is pain.

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I sometimes think that wishing I could pass to see my cat but I think of my other cat. I still miss my cat I had to put to sleep she was lively and vocal with me. But if my current cat dies I would be lost. You can think of future pets in need some need homes. I am thinking of adopting an adult cat next time who is needed

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@Rissy perhaps @KayC is right on adopting another kitty before your baby passes on...it’s been almost a month since I lost the most amazing soul on this earth... I miss him so terribly ... I had a huge meltdown 2 days ago where everything just became too unbearable... this has to be the worst loss of my life and July 2018 the worst month... the last two days I’ve been stronger though every time I see his pictures my heart dies a little more... I have my other little girl who I have become a lot closer too over the last week or so and I am also CONSIDERING adopting again although I know there ain’t no being on this earth who can come close to that of my poopa! However ... my thoughts have always been that if I can give another dog a great home it will be the least I could do to help them in this terribly harsh world...I am going to start however with possibly volunteering at a shelter and take it from there... right now unfortunately finances are a huge concern and I can’t really afford another doggy and I don’t think my heart is ready yet as I still worry that my boy will think I’m replacing him... which of course... no one could... but giving another animal in desperate need of love and care a home to live in would soothe the soul too... it’s a difficult decision .. one that must be taken great care of as to ensure one is able to love and give as much to them as they do to us!!! 

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Jack Russell

Well said Kastine its a big decision to give another dog a home.  But one worth doing.  As you said there are so many unloved dogs out there and you can provide a loving home. Another will never replace your beautiful boy but you have more love to give. Please consider when your finances are in a better position.  All the best.

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Thank you @Jack Russell I hope finances improve soon.  thank you everyone on this thread who has made this terrible and life altering loss slightly ‘easier’ to bear! Much love 

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There's a lot of things to consider when adopting...imho cats are easier but I've always been closer to dogs, however, going through puppy stage is not easy!  I've had some that chewed up everything, ruined the furniture, etc.  And housebreaking issues.  But I had a cat that ruined furniture clawing.  I guess my furniture is destined...

Adopting an older dog that might not have a chance otherwise can be rewarding, but they tend to have higher medical bills the older they get, but not always, depends on luck of the draw.  

Volunteering with animals seems a good option for now until you figure out what you're going to do.  Maybe as you get to know the animals at the shelter, you'll run across one that calls to you.

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We went to 2 animal shelters yesterday and the first one had a lovely boy who was about a year old full of beans and really lovely then at the second one I met a boy named max... max is an older dog with hardly any teeth... but so gentle and loving... has spent most of his life in shelters and I felt my late boy come through him for a moment...he displayed very similar characteristics to my baby. I felt heartbroken for him spending most his life in shelters not having a real family to love and the thought of him spending more days there.  I would love to take him in... I’m just concerned about my heart not being 100% ready even though I do feel my sweety would approve of this one... as has always been... money is an issue as the adoption fees are more than I have in my bank account and No one really knows his medical history... besides him having almost no teeth which I think is the cause of him being on the thin side... I’m not sure what to do... I have to wait for a solid sign on this one and if the universe wills me to have him the finances will be provided... I hope they are as I’d love for him to have a family...but again... I worry I may compare him to my baby... which wouldn’t be fair on max...

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I am sorry that your finances are such that you can't adopt. They may give you a discount or tell you about a special if you ask. I adopted a kitty in Dec. after losing my cat in August. One year tomorrow. :(

It was hard, weird shopping for things for a cat again. But I was so glad to have a cat again. I LOVE them so much. And she is pretty different. Which is good. I did compare her a bit, but you'll also appreciate the differences. 

Wait for sign. I was pretty ready, I was tired of not having an animal to love. But then having her was scary too. It's just a process. If someone adopts him before you, it was meant to be. 

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kastine,

I would tell them you want to give him a home but don't have quite enough and see if they can't cut the fees for an older dog that needs someone to love him.  Praying all works out.
I cook for my dog and using the food processor I'm sure a dog would be able to eat the gruel even without teeth.  Even canned food with a little water mixed in might be easy enough to get down.

Saying prayers for you...and this little dog.

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Jack Russell

Kastine. Where is the justice in this. Here is a dog who needs a home and you so willing to provide it. How about asking if you could give the money in instalments.  It might be worth a try. Did you tell them you would be interested. It must be costing to keep him at the shelter and if he leaves there is space for another poor soul.  I have just got a Romanian rescue called Foxy. I was really unsure as my heart still aches for my lovely Kelly.  This dog does not replace her and never could. But I am a dog person and need a dog around me. She is hard work and comes with issues but having her around has helped as she needs my attention and yes does stop my mind from being focused on a one way track ..... Just Kelly. I still miss her dreadfully and this dog is not her. Just a different one. I have even had thoughts where I wonder what Kelly thinks, does she think I'm replacing her.  No... She knows I love her and would do anything to have her back.  I don't have the love for Foxy as I did Kelly but hopefully in time I will, I'm just going through the motions of caring for another dog who needs a home.  I did miss the long walks with Kelly as she got older and this one loves it, so positive in that respect.  She was a street dog and my goodness picks things up really quickly. House clean within a week and doesn't chew anything. Though doesn't know what to do with a ball and terrified of cars, pulls on the lead. But so loving, and loves people and other dogs. But we will get there. So will keep you busy. My heart isn't a 100% and won't be for a while yet but I've gone ahead and taken the challenge.  

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Hi all... thank you for the wonderful words... we going to see him again this morning and I’m taking my mum and sister along too so they can also meet him... i asked the lady about the fees and I’ll mention it again today... the fees include sterilization, microchipping and innoculations however he has already been sterilized so they wouldn’t have to do that and I had asked her if they would drop the cost but she said they can’t... she told me that she would give the older ones away as they always struggle to find homes but her director won’t allow it... I understand to a point as they are a nonprofit and have like over 400 dogs to look after...but I’ll speak to her again today... @Jack Russell yes I totally understand and myself am not too sure yet I’m ready... I cried for my boy last night and I really don’t want him to feel I’m replacing him... I’m also worried I may just be doing this in some weird hope my boy comes back through max... but we will go today and see how it goes... I completely empathize with u and ur situation and as I’ve been told they will never replace our soul animals but they all have their own ways which we will fall inlove with in time... I’m happy that you have a new baby to love and yes with time ull fall inlove.. it will be a different love... but love nonetheless...

thank you all again and I will keep you posted as to what happens with this sweet soul ... lots of love to you all

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@Jack Russell  I'm glad you have another dog, and no she isn't Kelly, but you will come to love her traits as you discover them and grow a bond together.  I got a Halti for my Arlie early on as Huskies are pullers, it helps greatly!  You can feel good knowing you rescued a street dog, they all need a home.  It's great that she's so smart!

 

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@Kastine  Maybe ask them if they'll take installments?  Just make clear to them that you want THIS dog saved for you until you can come up with enough money!  I hope and pray you can find a way...

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@KayC we went to see him today and I chatted to the lady and she has agreed to let me adopt him for half the adoption fees... so next weekend we will take our little girl for an introduction with max and see if she will accept him then we will probably bring him home... I’m a bit nervous and hesitant as I feel as though I am betraying my boy... it hasn’t even been two months yet and I’m worried it’s too soon... but I’ll take this week and Chloe’s introduction and make the call... max really is a lovely dog and has so many similar traits to my boy....which I’m also not sure is a good or bad thing... I just hope if I go ahead with adopting max i won’t regret it with the guilt I’ll feel...

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Jack Russell

Kastine well done.  I know it is difficult. I was laying on the floor today talking to Foxy and absolutely broke down with grief for my Kelly. Wishing it was Kelly and not Foxy. But it is not Foxys fault, she is just a dog who knows nothing about Kelly and needs a home.  I know Kelly will understand and we will meet again some day. I can feel myself breaking down just thinking about her while typing this. We are animal lovers and if we weren't the people we are all these helpless creatures wouldn't have someone to look after them.  Kastine your doing the right thing. Max will be hard work as he hasn't been in a home for such a long time but it will keep you busy. You chose him and there has to be a reason why. You also went to the shelter looking so something inside you was telling you to. This is not your beautiful boy but another dog who needs your love and care.  I have Foxy laying on the bed next to me as Kelly did and as much as I want her back she is in a place without pain.  Nothing will bring her back and she is out there somewhere waiting for me.  I love you so much my beautiful Kelly.  Foxy will never replace her. I didn't choose another jack Russell as wanted to have a completely different dog so I didn't make comparisons and goodness me that's what I've got. I bouncy bundle of fluff. Who I thought was doing really well then then ate the heel of a pair of shoes I particularly liked. But hey it's part and parcel she will learn, and me.

on another note I have had a letter from the lawyer who is acting on behalf on the dog minder. I now have to wait for him to put forward his defence. Following that the court both send us packs to submit any further paperwork.  What the dog minder doesn't know is that I found another person whose dog was injured and is willing to submit a statement. She was wonderful and offered the services of her husband to help looking over paperwork etc should I need help as I certainly can't afford a lawyer.  As I said previously this isn't about winning, though it would nice. It's making people aware about this man and making sure no other dog ends up like Kelly.

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Kastine,

I'm so glad they agreed to half price and I hope you can work that out.  I don't think your boy will ever feel replaced because that could never happen.  Each pet makes their own spot in our heart and none takes from the other, it's theirs, uniquely.  I think back to all of the pets I've owned in my life, each relationship was different, each animal was different, no two alike.  I feel closest to Arlie, the dog I have right now, perhaps because of his unique traits that make him special to me, but also because I am alone in my life and it's different than busily raising a family that shared in it.  But then as I think about each one, Lucky, who was such a good girl, and Miss Mocha who was so sweet and feminine and loving, and Fluffy who was just such a wonderful family dog, Teddy who was so gentle, and many more, they were all special in their own way.  You will find that the more you discover about Max too, you have yet to discover all of the really wonderful things you will love about him, it is an adventure, little do we know how close we will become when at first we make that decision to adopt.

Jack Russell,

I saved the link to that video for future reference for just the right person that needs to see it, because it was very special, I don't know how you found it, but it was very touching.

 

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@Jack Russell thank you for your words... I know the right thing to do is bring max home to live out the rest of his life in happiness as you’ve given to foxy even though it is so difficult when all you can really think about is kelly... it soothes my heart so much to know that there is this wonderful forum where people come together to express their emotions about their losses and give hope for loving another... I truly hope that justice will be served upon Kelly’s minder and they no longer will be able to hurt another fur child!!! My thoughts are with you through this time and may the universe grant you peace knowing that Kelly was fought for even after death!!! 

That video was so special ... thank you so much!!!!

@KayC thank you... and yes you are right... all our companions we are blessed with throughout our lives we have loved for their own special souls... I do believe max has a special soul and I have a kinship with him... Now it will boil down to my little girls acceptance of him... so we will do a meet and greet on Saturday and I do hope all goes well though she can be a little sh*t (small dog syndrome) haha... 

i read an article about this woman whose baby passed and her husband got her a new dog fairly quickly afterwards... she struggled to accept the new pup and at puppy classes the teacher noticed they had not bonded so she told her to go home and lay with the pup and tell him all the things about her late dog... tell him the things she loved about the one that left this world and cry and laugh and just remember him with the new pup... apparently this worked a charm and they were instantly bonded after this shared experience... if max comes home and I feel the guilt and anguish I feel for my late boy... I will do this excercise and hope it will help us to bond... @Jack Russell maybe give it a go too...

you guys are the best and I really appreciate all the support ... I will keep you updated on what happens with Maxie!!!

lots of love...

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Jack Russell

KayC I found the link to the video on pininterest before I found this forum. The time when I was looking for anything that eased the pain and still do.  I also read on another post that you did card making and like yourself I also do, or did.  I have completely lost interest since Kelly died. I used to upload my cards to pininterest and hence found the video. I still can't enjoy the things I did before she left me. I had also purchased a cricut cutting machine before she died and it is unfortunately still in the box.  I also have enough crafting materials to open my own shop but it is now just taking up space.  May be get going again sometime in the future.  I can't seem to find the enthusiasms any more.

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@Jack Russell  I've done it for over 30 years, now I only do when I need a special one, otherwise I'm using up my stock.  I have an overflowing room full of stuff, a commercial diecutter (Accucut) and dies, I also have a Cricut, I never use it, I prefer the Accucut although I have a lot of cartridges.  I have so many tools, don't use them.  And stamps, I have carts full.  I still haven't given up the idea of getting back to it, I just need to get out of this depressive slump...,maybe someday.  I've taught classes, been in groups, it was fun, wish I felt that way again.  

Art is a great outlet, we need that creative flow.

23 hours ago, Kastine said:

i read an article about this woman whose baby passed and her husband got her a new dog fairly quickly afterwards... she struggled to accept the new pup and at puppy classes the teacher noticed they had not bonded so she told her to go home and lay with the pup and tell him all the things about her late dog... tell him the things she loved about the one that left this world and cry and laugh and just remember him with the new pup... apparently this worked a charm and they were instantly bonded after this shared experience... if max comes home and I feel the guilt and anguish I feel for my late boy... I will do this excercise and hope it will help us to bond...

That makes sense, making the new pup part of the memories with the old dog, allowing that continuity to continue on.  And who knows but what the old dog's spirit visits the new pup!

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Max came home last week Friday. He is so grateful for the new life he has after spending 5 years in a shelter.  The pain I’m feeling of just wanting my poopa back is once again overwhelming and every time I look at max I crave my sweety! I cuddled with max for the first time on the couch this evening and broke down as I just wanted him to be my boy @Jack Russell the same as what u experienced with foxy. I can’t love max right now although I like him a lot. He is a good boy although very boisterous at times (completely opposite to my baby). I hope that one day I’ll be able to give him the love he deserves even if at this time I’m nowhere near able to hand my heart over to him. My home life is a mess with my partner and we are currently sleeping in separate rooms... this makes me miss my baby even more as he was my light, my joy, my peace and my safe place... I feel utterly alone and lost without him.  I started a reiki healing course yesterday... this path the only positive that came from the loss of my papa... it is exactly what I need to be doing in my life and brings me great peace and happiness and I can say it couldn’t have come at a better time. I have to heal myself first before I am able to give the love that max so deserves but until then at least he has a warm bed / couch to sleep on and food in his belly and a family (albeit slightly broken at this time)!

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Jack Russell

Kastine what wonderful news for Max, I am so pleased for you, and yes it will keep you busy at this time.  He is so lucky to be chosen by you as your such a good dog parent.  It's only natural your emotions are forefront with Max as you wish it was your boy.  Guilt even for having another.  I have been through it all.  Moments of contentment walking Foxy and then utter sadness and tears.  I miss her so much.  I am sorry to hear about your home life as well, not an easy time for you.  I have been there as well, I live on my own now and Kelly was my companion.  Just me and her, my baby.  Well I have foxy now and she is coming along nicely.  We have had our ups and downs and she is actually laying on the bed beside me as I type this.  She wanted so much to come into the bedroom but went berserk the first time.  Jumping all over the place and on me wanting to play at bedtime. Booted her out a few times before she realised she had to behave and hey presto now a good girl.  Even that brings tears as I loved Kelly on my bed beside me.  When I think how raw it left when I first lost Kelly, I didn't think I would make it through the pain but weeks on now it is manageable, and in her way Foxy has indeed helped. It forces you to get up and think of others instead of drowning in the grief.  I will be thinking of you and hope things sort themselves out, Lots of love to you.

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i think what you are going through is totally normal. I was the exact same way with my "new" adopted cat. I still ache for my sweet C cat we lost a year ago. I miss him even now.

Our new cat was very scared for many weeks and a part of me could not love her. I think I was scared. I still am. But, I love her now. She totally adores us now too. She just wants love. And I am so glad we got her.

I am sorry your home life is not good, I hope it gets better and you can all be happy. 

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Kastine,

I'm glad you rescued Max, I can't imagine him being in a shelter for five years!!  If ever anyone deserved a loving home, it is him.  Give yourself time, don't worry about what you feel or don't, just interact with him, it will come in time.  Right now your grief is blocking out anything else.  Have you worked on your grief work?
http://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323  
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

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16 hours ago, Jack Russell said:

Justed watched that video again, why did I do it as I'm a wreck now.

Grief is painful, it really is.  You might feel it set you back but even the tears are part of the processing.

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On 7/8/2018 at 12:33 PM, Kastine said:

On Thursday night last week I took the love of my life back to the doc as he wasn’t looking well.. it all started about 2 months ago where he was coughing and gagging a lot. I took him to the doc and he had X-rays which picked up a mass / tumor on his heart which was pushing up on his larynx causing the coughing. He put him on Cortizone meds, antibiotics and asthma pills.  When we got home he was so perky and just so happy for a long while... last week I started noticing his eyes were droopy and when he look at me I could see the redness part of his eye... I noticed he hadn’t really eaten his food but was still wanting to eat... I ended up feeding him while he was lying on the floor... he gobbled it up... I decided to call the doc and let him know these new symptoms and after chatting decided it was best to just take him in for a quick check up... I took him the next day and he had more X-rays and the tumor had spread to his lungs and was also suffocating his aorta...the doc said there wasn’t any more they could do as it was spreading quickly... he had lost about 7kg in under a month....never weighing less than 38kg... he weighed 31.7 that day... in my absolute distraught state I didn’t think of just taking him home and maybe giving him more meds to ease whatever possible pain he was in and hope for the best... I just agreed to let him go cause that’s what the doctor said would be the best thing for him....he fell back in my arms once the fluid had gone in him and I will never forgive myself for not even trying to prolong his life even for a little while... he was and is my whole life and my heart and soul... I picked him up from the streets 4 years ago but he was the one who actually rescued me!!! He was my world!!!! I want him back and I want to go back to the doc and say I’m taking him home rather...I want to have stopped him before he pushed down on the syringe... I want my boy back... I hate myself everyday for stealing his life...I just want my baby back ... I don’t know how I am supposed to live without him... the guilt is killing me... the thought of him not near me is killing me... I just want to go to wherever he is!!!!! I miss you more than you know and love you even more my papa, poopaloopa sweetness... my love of my life!!!!

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I am so sorry you are going thru this pain , it’s 1am and I can’t sleep either ! Today I had to put both my babies down when I know they had more life in them . My mom was put on hospice and we couldn’t have all our dogs pooping and peeing everywhere . I can’t forgive myself , I couldn’t even have the balls to take them myself I made my sisters take them and then I called the vet like 4 different times to check if they put them down yet and the first two times they said no , I got in my car and was thinking about going to get them but then I just remembered that I’m doing it for the health of my mom. I’m broken, a piece of my heart is missing they got me through some of the most darkest days of my life! I’ve had them since I was in 7th grade and I’m 27 now . I keep hearing my babygirls snore and feeling my baby boy push is but next to my back to feel my warmth. I can’t do this ! This pain is too much

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@Frances91 I am so so so terribly sorry for what you are going through! I wish there were words that I could say that would help take this pain away from you! It really is one of the worst things we find ourselves doing... that of making these awful decisions to end the lives of those we love so fully! The pain will be unbearable, there is no denying that! I won’t say to you that it will get easier for now as it is so fresh, it will be tormenting and the guilt will take a hold of your soul...BUT you will find yourself , over time, (I hate saying this) getting used to their earthly forms no longer being there...you have to allow yourself to feel all the thousands of feelings you’re going to feel... cry, cry and cry some more... you have to release it.  There will come a time where you will find yourself not crying for a day or two and that’s okay... with me I felt guilty for not crying those days and if I had a glimmer of happiness I felt guilty... but our lives ( as much as we feel we don’t want too) have to carry on for one day we will see their beautiful faces again...I’ve started a healing course which if it wasn’t for my poopa I would never have done... his passing put me on a path where I feel I’m finally finding my purpose... I’m learning so much and I’m growing and I’m healing and I know there is something great waiting for me... and I have him to thank for that.  He was my safe place when he was alive on this earth and now when I meditate and go into my sanctuary he is there now too...he will always be my safe place even after death and even though I can’t hug him or cuddle him physically... my soul still reaches out to his and he is there! With time you will find your own safe place where if u look and work hard enough to connect with them... you will and it will soothe your soul.

I am sending you so much love and light and just believe that one day your heart will heal!!!!

thinking of you during this very difficult time

lots of love and light to you

Kastine

 

 

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I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you, feeling there was no other option.  My heart goes out to you, I know your burden is great.  I've heard it said that our grief equals the love we had, I'm sure there's truth to that.  Know that in time your pain will lessen, even though we don't forget, it eventually gets easier to bear.

Sending you hugs!

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I’m really struggling so much today missing my boy incredibly badly.  Max is lying on the bed with me and all I want is my boy! I feel bad because max is a good boy and really loves me! If I could turn back time....

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I know how you feel. I'm sorry too. I am really missing my cat today and it's over a year now. And I have a sweet crazy little girl kitty to entertain me and she does and I LOVE her. But the loss is the loss. I miss my sweet guy. I am sad about how we lost him. 

Sometimes the grief just comes... why? I don't know. It just shows up. You are still so new in losing your boy, be patient. Max can't read your thoughts but your actions matter, so let yourself give him affection and it will do your soul good. 

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2 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I am really missing my cat today

Yes you're right, the loss is the loss...one doesn't replace another.  It helps fill a void but they are so different, it doesn't remove the ache we feel for the one gone.  I miss each of my pets that I've lost...we get more used to it with time, we learn how to go on, to function, but it's never entirely gone from us, is it.

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