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Vedulon

I am having a hard time right now.  My wife and I have been married for 6 years.

 

The start of our marriage was pretty rocky, due to my immaturity and things I had done.  Thing I have done in the past has made her angry and resentful. Rather than handling the problems, I withdrew emotionally.  I have a difficult time dealing with emotions in general, and have trained myself to "turn off" rather than feel emotions and deal with them.  I would rather avoid any feelings all together.

This has caused my wife all kinds of grief, as she has difficulty with anxiety and depression.  She has a strong need for interactions, where I have a need to be left alone after a time.

 

These last few years of our marriage, things have been getting better.  I have been growing up mentally, and in maturity.  In this last year, my wife and I have moved out of her mom's place, and into our own apartment in a different city.  We have made close friends with 3 of my co-workers, and do tabletop role playing at least once every week or so.  A couple months ago, my wife and closest friend/co-worker became really good friends.  They have a lot in common, and have been really good for each other’s emotional challenges.  Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, this contrast between my wife and friend, has shown how large of a problem there was between my wife and I.

 

We were ok, and would manage our life together, and live well enough.  But we were not happy.  Largely due to the conflicting natures we had, and conflicting needs.  This is in addition to my tendency to be withdrawn, and not feel or show emotions.  I would be wearing a mask, until I was alone, and perhaps then, allow myself to feel.  Or when alone, would force myself to feel, and tell myself the thing that was hurting me over and over, until I became numb to it, so I wouldn't feel if it came up again.

So, as things became closer between my wife and friend, I was happy for my wife, because she was happier, and had a friend again, which she hadn't had for about 7 years. (Due to self-isolation, only people she interacted with really were her mom and I.)  I would comfort her, and keep her anxiety down when there were problem or difficulty between my wife and friend.  She felt that I would be happier if she were out of the house more, so I could have more alone time.  It did hurt, because I did miss having her around, but I didn't let it show, but rather supported her in the friendship.

As things went on, things got closer wither my friend, and I suppose I was in denial, and trusted them.  Waiting out the time for their love that was developing to turn to one of close friendship, brother and sister like.  I do think, subconsciously, I knew I was losing her.  But I didn't want to dominate my wife, or attack my friend.  But wanting my wife to make the choice of coming back to me.  Unfortunately, the way she has described it, is to her, my behavior and attitude was one of not caring, and metaphorically pushing her out the door.

 

Things have become intimate, and sexual between my wife and friend.  They did not do it behind my back; they both were up front and honest about how they are feeling.   I love them both, and I can see how happy they make each other.  Because of him, my wife's anxiety, and depressions have gotten significantly and noticeably better this last month.  I gave them my blessing, and told them that if anyone asks about it, my wife and I are in an open marriage.  It has hurt, and there have been times where she has asked if I wanted her to end their relationship.  I told her no, I didn't want that.  If it ends naturally between them, then it ends naturally.  If it works out for them, then it works out for them.

I want my wife to be happy, and healthy.  Not knowing the future is scary, and hurts.  In this time, I have made up my mind, and have forced myself to feel again.  To deal with emotions, worth threw them, and to not let them rule me, and ruin any of our lives.  But it hurts.   There had been a couple times, where I was emotionally in pain, and I went to my wife for comfort, that instead, all it seemed to do with cause her distress, and tear her up inside, as she never wanted to hurt me.  A few days back, I did manage to get the words out, and explain to my wife that what I was looking for, and needed, was just comfort.  To be hugged, and held, and told that things will be alright.  It did hurt her, but she held be for several hours, allowing me to get the emotions out.

 

I have come to terms and peace, about being able to share my wife.  While she is with me, she is with me, while she is with him, she is with him.  I can be happy for them, but I do not think that he can be ok with that forever.  For now, my wife and I are still married.  But we have been talking about separating, once my wife gets a job.  She has not worked in 10 years, and has anxieties about trying to find a job.  We have talked about getting a divorce, and me finding someone else.  About the possible future of the two of them adopting a child, and me having a child with a new wife.  And the two kids growing up friends.

We have talked about the fact that we love each other, and that we will always be in each others lives, as long as I will allow it.

 

The idea and feeling of losing my wife forever hurts.  It hurts a lot, and not knowing, how long, if or when.  This is the hardest part for me.  While we are not divorced yet, and we will still be living together for a long time yet.  I'm just having trouble dealing with my emotions.  Feeling on top of the world one morning, because of coming to the decision, and understanding, that including my friend in our relationship does not diminish, or change how my wife and I feel about each other.  To later that day, hearing that my friend cannot give my wife up for me, even if it hurts me. (Which is what my wife needed to hear, she was incredibly insecure about herself at the time)  Knowing that in my wife's and friend's relationship, I am an exception, as I have allowed them to have what they have.  . . . It hurts, because I am always hearing a "for now" and worried and upset about losing my wife completely.  And feeling that I will have to back off at some point, for his peace of mind.  So he will not be worried or wondering if or when I'm going to try and take my wife back.

 

I am sorry about the diatribe, but I needed to talk to someone else who is not involved, and won't be hurt or torn apart by my thoughts.

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reader

Dear Vedulon,

I'm sorry to hear of everything you went through.

Please consider talking to a therapist, marriage counsellor or pastor. Or joining a support group in the community. Meet Up groups also offer some supports for those going through marriage difficulties.

Keep writing and expressing yourself.

Please know we are with you.

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A mindful girl

I agree that writing is such a good outlet. Perhaps think about writing a blog as that can help you to get all your thoughts and emotions out. 

I have a little blog about my experience with divorce and my journey towards becoming well and happy again. Feel free to have a read as I'm sure that reading other people's experiences can help.

amindfulgirl.wordpress.com

 

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