MISS MY LOVE

[LeannC45]

Last week I was in a very scary place. It felt like I was stuck recycling the same thoughts over and over. Thoughts that I just cannot be without my husband. I just kept thinking I don't want to do this. I DON'T WANT TO NOT BE HIS WIFE. I want my life back and that's it! My reality is that it doesn't matter what I want or how much I beg God or the universe. He is gone and I can't change that. How in the world am I going to accept that? I know I will figure this out because I am trying so hard but it is literally the most draining excruciating experience I have ever had. I have never prayed so much in my life. I get little answers here and there that seem to make me move forward but it is so easy to have a bad day that then turns into a bad week. I am holding on for dear life literally. I LOVE YOU MY HUSBAND...FOREVER.......

[JBSC01]

LeannC45,

I 100% get it and feel you on this. I have no good days, everyday I cry and scream, multiple times a day and when i'm not crying I'm the walking dead. This is a living nightmare you cant wake from. Mornings are the absolute worse for me, thats when reality slaps you in the face and we're forced to go through another day in hell. I say the same thing, I cant take this anymore, this cant be real, and how could this have happened, it wasnt supposed to be this way, etc... But apparently we have no choice but to move forward even if it is excruciating and we will take lots of steps back but force yourselves to get back up and take another step. I'm barely holding it together also, and just miss and want my baby back as we all do sooooo badly.  

[KayC]

This was my first post when I found my grief forum after my husband died:
 

On 7/10/2005 at 2:16 AM, kayc said:

It is three weeks ago today that I lost my beloved husband, my soul mate, my best friend, and I can relate so aptly to your pain and loss. Unlike you, I didn't get to tell him it was okay to let go, and I wasn't able to be there to hold his hand as he slipped away, for they made me leave...he was having yet another heart attack, just barely 51, so young. All our dreams gone in a moment and nothing but sorrow and empty wishes left to remain. I too wonder how I will survive this, how I will hang on until my time too has come and I can be with him again. How do I wait, what if it's another 40 years? I have always had strong faith and yet I find myself wondering stupid things, like how will I find him up in heaven, it's surely such a big place, how will things be different, will I still be as special to him as I always was? We were everything to each other, how do I go on without the love of my life? My life is so alone now, so painful, how can I possibly turn it in to meaning and purpose? Each day drags so slowly by, no matter how busy I keep myself. Nights are hard, I cry myself to sleep and then awaken a couple of hours later to tossing and turning and thoughts that don't shut off. Saturdays are the worst, that was our day, the day we always saved for each other. We did everything together, now everything is a reminder of what I've lost. Over and over I think of his suffering, how long he endured that pain, and I wish I'd realized. Futilely I berate myself for what I should have done different, I should have taken the bull by the horns and just made him see another doctor instead of letting him procrastinate...I should have insisted he be tested for heart disease instead of accepting the doctor's prognosis of "anxiety"...I should have told him to quit his demanding job instead of waiting for him to find a new one first...I should have slowed down and smiled at him more and...oh but I worshipped him! How could I have done more than I did! I gave him life, I loved him as no one ever had! I was his little one, always and forever, and nothing will change that, not death, not this invisible wall that has forcibly separated us for a time. Nothing is as invincible or as enduring as our love!

[KayC]

And this just a month after his death:

On 7/20/2005 at 4:28 PM, kayc said:

How can the missing him go away when it's left such a hollow inside of you! I think we eventually will learn to live with it but I think the missing them just goes on and on. My father has been dead for 23 years and my mom still misses him. My husband has only been gone for a month and it is still so fresh and raw it hits me like waves crashing over me. We have to build something, forage friendships, volunteer in causes, keep busy, work, reach out to others, work in the garden, but being careful not to be alone more than we have to. Eventually we'll get more used to the aloneness...I never minded being alone "before him" but now...now it's just a painful reminder of his absence. I don't know if the shock is easier than the acceptance but the acceptance is slower coming. Some of us fight against it but really, what choice do we have but to accept? It doesn't mean we chose it or like it, just that it is what we got dealt and we have to make the best of it. I am so sorry for your loss. I could relate to much of what you were saying, I too am happy that my husband is out of his suffering and he is at last at peace, but now I have my own suffering to deal with and it feels anything but peaceful. Good luck on your journey.

[KayC]

The raw emotion in the beginning of this journey is indescribable.  What we are living with, dealing with, trying to survive without sleep, without respite.  Alone.  

Mentioning those french doors, yes another secondary loss, of which there are many.  I need to replace my garage roof and no money to do with it.  My husband would have done it himself.  Things like that are so hard to deal with on our own.  Leann, you say you've never prayed so much, I had a hard time praying when George died, that first year, but I don't know what I'd do without God to turn to.  Years ago I heard a story about a little boy whose mother was reassuring him that God was always there and the little boy cried out, "But I want God with clothes on!"  That's how I feel sometimes.  I don't want something obscure, I want to be physically held and reassured!

 

[LeannC45]

Yes I miss physically being held by my husband. I guess a fear when I pray is that I will miss the answer. I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. Everyone keeps saying I will figure it out. I just think, will I?....I still feel married but I can't have my husband anymore. I send out hope for all of us here. 

[KayC]

Yes, you will figure it out, but it'll take a long time.  Nothing about this seems quick or easy.

[LeannC45]

On 7/3/2018 at 1:24 PM, JBSC01 said:

LeannC45,

I 100% get it and feel you on this. I have no good days, everyday I cry and scream, multiple times a day and when i'm not crying I'm the walking dead. This is a living nightmare you cant wake from. Mornings are the absolute worse for me, thats when reality slaps you in the face and we're forced to go through another day in hell. I say the same thing, I cant take this anymore, this cant be real, and how could this have happened, it wasnt supposed to be this way, etc... But apparently we have no choice but to move forward even if it is excruciating and we will take lots of steps back but force yourselves to get back up and take another step. I'm barely holding it together also, and just miss and want my baby back as we all do sooooo badly.  

I'm sorry for your pain. My heart does go out to you because this pain is truly like no other. I hope you have some time during your day where you feel a little lighter. The loss is heavy on our hearts and strips you down. Sending a prayer for all of us.

[JBSC01]

4 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I'm sorry for your pain. My heart does go out to you because this pain is truly like no other. I hope you have some time during your day where you feel a little lighter. The loss is heavy on our hearts and strips you down. Sending a prayer for all of us.

I'm sorry for your pain too, its unbearable, how are we supposed to live like this when everyday is torture. Yes extremely heavy, and exhausting, i have yet to have any light moments, maybe someday but right now cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. How can this be real life? Is it even worth living in this state?

[JBSC01]

17 hours ago, KayC said:

Each day drags so slowly by, no matter how busy I keep myself

So true! And every little thing we do takes soo much effort, physically, mentally, emotionally. I when i mean every little thing i mean even every breath. 

[NoID]

I miss my partner so much too, even through the rough times we shared, he still was my world, my rock. How am I suppose to move on, when I still love him!?! In the beginning of this process, I tried to numb everything out and thought I could handle it all, the reality has sunk in that he's not here anymore, I can't hear his voice anymore, I can't tell him I love him anymore, I can't hold him, I can't yell at him or hear his stupid jokes. He's gone forever and it's not fair!! 

[KayC]

@LeannC45  Haven't seen you for a few days, how are you doing?

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

@LeannC45  Haven't seen you for a few days, how are you doing?

Thank you for reaching out I do appreciate it so much. Lately having trouble with my son and how he is choosing to cope. I am trying to be there for him and keep it together myself.  Sometimes I feel like getting on a plane to somewhere and hiding out for a while. Of course that is not practical with my job/bills to pay but I think about it just the same. I hope the hurdles that are popping up in your life ease up soon. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Sometimes I feel like getting on a plane to somewhere and hiding out for a while.

Must be a common feeling...I used to daydream about getting on a bus and going to Nowhere, America!  Just starting out somewhere else, maybe hiding, running from problems, it sounded appealing.  But alas I'm super responsible and keep plugging along!  

[DutchessWithaT]

My husband died in California about 20 days after yours and I am in THE same place as you are- I had a really bad meltdown last Friday  . People have been trying to rush me ( not here but on the outside ) to get past this and I wont - I am not ready at all  .  Even at my best recovery , whenever that is , I won't be the same , I don't think any of us are really , some better some worse some just different.. This definitely leaves a scar to say the least  . I am trying really hard to get used to who the new me even is . 

     I sometimes feel like well OK, that was my big love everyone hopes for and we stayed to the very end  , I will see him as soon as I can but now I am going to do XYZ - which of course does not work but is what I tell myself to get through another day  . I am also VERY restless in that not only do I really need to move, wild story there , but I am moving in a couple of weeks . 

It IS a terrible experience , I get so frustrated that I cant talk to him.  Sometimes I still call him and just demand he pick it up . I have a voicemail on my phone left from him right before he died and I listen to it a lot so I can still hear him . 

[LeannC45]

38 minutes ago, DutchessWithaT said:

My husband died in California about 20 days after yours and I am in THE same place as you are- I had a really bad meltdown last Friday  . People have been trying to rush me ( not here but on the outside ) to get past this and I wont - I am not ready at all  .  Even at my best recovery , whenever that is , I won't be the same , I don't think any of us are really , some better some worse some just different.. This definitely leaves a scar to say the least  . I am trying really hard to get used to who the new me even is . 

     I sometimes feel like well OK, that was my big love everyone hopes for and we stayed to the very end  , I will see him as soon as I can but now I am going to do XYZ - which of course does not work but is what I tell myself to get through another day  . I am also VERY restless in that not only do I really need to move, wild story there , but I am moving in a couple of weeks . 

It IS a terrible experience , I get so frustrated that I cant talk to him.  Sometimes I still call him and just demand he pick it up . I have a voicemail on my phone left from him right before he died and I listen to it a lot so I can still hear him . 

I am feeling defeated today. My son was with me when my husband passed away and he is not dealing with it well. He has been binge drinking and as of right now I don't know where he is or if he is okay. I honestly don't know how to handle all that has happened or is still happening. I feel like this is hell on earth. Just like you I feel like my husband was my one shot at unconditional love and now everything else is so difficult I can't breath half the time.

[DutchessWithaT]

I have trouble breathing also since this happened and my emotions are all OVER the place  . Its almost like someone sucker punched me in the chest . My 17 yr old daughter that he helped raise from age 6 is a musician & took his old pro ballet and ski apparel and took it to her room when she stays here and I don't see them . She loved to go see him in either when he did either , so they are stashed somewhere. She has been sick the last 12 months fighting , curing, and now trying to recover from a BAD case of H pylori . She is still not 100% but has been hospitalized a lot , she was IN the hospital when I had to leave for the funeral 800 miles away . She is just buried so deep in her music right now I don't know that I'll ever see her & she won't speak much  . She was playing" 5 minutes" ( by Defiled)  really LOUD  the other day so I know she is hurting, she says the only time it DOESN'T hurt is when she is helping me with it  . It is hell on earth . You will  hear from your son , he is in that same scorching hot pain we are but a lot younger , I hate it for these kids AND us  . My sons have been really withdrawn and they were already out of the house when we married . So I can absolutely understand .  

[LeannC45]

4 minutes ago, DutchessWithaT said:

I have trouble breathing also since this happened and my emotions are all OVER the place  . Its almost like someone sucker punched me in the chest . My 17 yr old daughter that he helped raise from age 6 is a musician & took his old pro ballet and ski apparel and took it to her room when she stays here and I don't see them . She loved to go see him in either when he did either , so they are stashed somewhere. She has been sick the last 12 months fighting , curing, and now trying to recover from a BAD case of H pylori . She is still not 100% but has been hospitalized a lot , she was IN the hospital when I had to leave for the funeral 800 miles away . She is just buried so deep in her music right now I don't know that I'll ever see her & she won't speak much  . She was playing" 5 minutes" ( by Defiled)  really LOUD  the other day so I know she is hurting, she says the only time it DOESN'T hurt is when she is helping me with it  . It is hell on earth . You will  hear from your son , he is in that same scorching hot pain we are but a lot younger , I hate it for these kids AND us  . My sons have been really withdrawn and they were already out of the house when we married . So I can absolutely understand .  

I hope you are right about my son showing up. His girlfriend has been asking everyone they know and nobody has seen him. If something happens to my son they can just lock me up in a padded cell because I won't be good to anyone. I am trying as hard as I can with everything I have and the crap just keeps rolling down hill. 

[DutchessWithaT]

Keep on doing what you are doing and call/text/check everywhere/ one  that you can . Its very scary when you cannot find your child . I know you are trying with everything you have . It's like it sometimes starts a domino effect . I am going to show a lot of love, light and prayers ( and checking back )  down your way that you will find him shortly . 

[LeannC45]

2 hours ago, DutchessWithaT said:

Keep on doing what you are doing and call/text/check everywhere/ one  that you can . Its very scary when you cannot find your child . I know you are trying with everything you have . It's like it sometimes starts a domino effect . I am going to show a lot of love, light and prayers ( and checking back )  down your way that you will find him shortly . 

Thankfully my son came home. He is hung over and looks beat up but he is alive. I will have to figure out what I can do to help him. He just looks like my little boy even though he is not a little boy, he is 25. I am so drained now from no sleep the last couple days worrying about where my son was and now all the emotional strain of today. Sending prayers out for our children. 

[DutchessWithaT]

THANK GOODNESS !!!! I had a strong feeling he would come back worn out but no more worse for the wear he is going through . Take a good  rest , He is home .  He is still your little boy , he always will be. My 35 yr old got married recently and I still see my little kid up there . I am relieved and very happy for all of you that he is home . Love 

[KayC]

Leann,

Is your son getting professional help to deal with his grief?  I know you can't force him to do anything since he's an adult, but gosh if he drink and drove it could ruin his life, so much better if he had a healthier outlet, you must have been scared out of your mind.  I hope you can talk to him after he's slept it off, about how worried it made you, you don't need this on top of everything else!  It would really help him if he could get professional grief counseling.  Drowning your sorrows doesn't work long term, when you come to the nightmare is still there waiting for you to deal with it.  I'm sorry for his pain and yours too!

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Leann,

Is your son getting professional help to deal with his grief?  I know you can't force him to do anything since he's an adult, but gosh if he drink and drove it could ruin his life, so much better if he had a healthier outlet, you must have been scared out of your mind.  I hope you can talk to him after he's slept it off, about how worried it made you, you don't need this on top of everything else!  It would really help him if he could get professional grief counseling.  Drowning your sorrows doesn't work long term, when you come to the nightmare is still there waiting for you to deal with it.  I'm sorry for his pain and yours too!

My son will not get help. I wrote up a contract yesterday stating that he is not allowed to bring any alcohol into my home or be under the influence. If he breaks this agreement he has 7 days to move out. He was a little combative about it but he did sign it and I am willing to follow through. I begged him to go to an AA meeting or  go to counseling but he just doesn't want to. I am terrified that something bad will happen to him. I can barely sleep and my anxiety is at an all time high. I experienced a major melt down this morning feeling like I just can't breath or get my life under control.  

[KayC]

Leann, I APPLAUD you!  You are not contributing to his demise.  I hope and pray he wakes up and realizes how much you love and care for him and how when he hurts himself, he's hurting you too.  I hope he comes to the realization that although he's grieving, he has much yet to live for and it's up to him what he chooses to do with his life.  I think it's the hardest thing in the world to be the parent of a young adult.  My daughter is 36 and in a horrid marriage, and it's so hard to stand by and see what she's going through.  I can offer her solutions, but it's up to her what she chooses to do...so very hard being the parent in this situation!  It was much easier when they were still children.

I'll be praying for you and your son.  (((hugs)))