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Blame and regret

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KayC

Thank you, the anniversaries of death are never easy.  Everyone forgets but me.  I will never forget.  I know that's how you feel too.  I hope each day gets just a wee bit less painful for you.

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agathas mum

I'm so so sorry. There is no pain like it is there ?  I've been having horrible dreams, had one where the vet was so angry and screaming at me that I should have been keeping a journal of all her symptoms, Its 3 weeks nearly to the hour since she passed. Just keep thinking that if the home vet could have got here an hour earlier he could have done something. I rerun so many different scenarios in my head ,  I'm still going to look after my neighbors dog next week which I think will be good for my mental health just to have a structure to my day. For the last two nights a friend has left a dog here, Sherlock. He's a dog I rescued ( i work in dog rescue)  several years ago, that I found the perfect home for after a couple of years of trying. I always knew that I was just a conduit for Sherlock. I had rescued him, then re-rescued him after he was dognapped. A very long story but I knew he had to have a home with a strong male energy that could take him running, hiking etc. Anyway he dropped him off two nights ago, thinking I needed some dog energy in the house , but Sherlock hates me !  He sits with his back to me at all times and last year bit me so badly that I had to have 6 stitches in my hand. Despite all of that I love him dearly but I don't know my friend thought I would want him for two nights. So Sherlock and I have suffered each others company for two nights. Im going to burn a candle for Agatha now, it was the same candle that was burning at the moment she passed, and sit and meditate on her and beg for a sign that she is ok and has forgiven me . best love

Angie

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KayC

The rescue I tried to adopt Jackson from lied to me...he was vicious.  Not the dog's fault, Lord knows what was in his history.  He was adorable and I fell in love with him, but I have permanent damage in my finger due to four bites.  They left me alone with him for two nights, three days and were nasty when they picked him up.  The next day they posted a picture of him on line again and said, "good with children."  I about flipped!  This right after getting a visit from animal control about the dog bites.  I will never do business with them again.  And I had problems when I tried to adopt a beautiful cat my neighbor gave me...he ran away back to the neighbor and he took him out and shot him.  I was sick to my stomach, we have a cat rescue right across the street.  Now he's retracted that.  All I know is he's a liar and I haven't seen the cat since all this.  I'm very thankful my son brought me Kodie.  He's a handful as puppies are but I love him.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with Sherlock.  Do you suppose he's afraid his owner won't come back for him?  

I'm sorry for what you went through at the end with Agatha, so hard.

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agathas mum

He shot the cat !!!!!!! evil evil man !!! How are some people so disconnected in their brain, I can't even imagine how horrible it is to be them. You must have been devastated . A few years ago a man from the US went to Kenya and shot the most beautiful black maned lion called Cecil, absolutely sickening . I was so upset I had a tattoo of Cecil done on my forearm to honor him and memorialize him. The only way animals should be shot is with a camera so that the photos can show how beautiful and majestic they are. People who shoot animals are cowards and despicable.

Last night I made an appointment with an animal communicator , I have a phone appointment with him on Thursday morning. At this point I will try anything to get some kind of sign. After I meditated last time I went out onto my patio and a white butterfly appeared and sat on the flowers that my friend had bought me after Agatha passed away. I'm looking for anything at the moment.

Sherlocks gone back to my friend and now owner, Steve. My neighbors dog has come  to stay for a week, She came last night and its both good and bad. It was nice not having the house so quiet and empty, and it made me get up early, but bad that its not Agatha.Or Agatha doing her funny Agatha things. It's made me miss Agatha more I think , because Maxi doesn't do Agathas funny happy morning dance, or funny nest making. Anyway she's a sweet dog and not a brat like Sherlock. Sherlock actually gets up and leaves the room when I get home. He goes and sits in my bedroom. He's like a sulky teenage boy, I know he would slam the door if he could. Everyone in the neighborhood loves him and thinks he's the happiest, friendliest dog ever. Steve takes him to work with him, beach, mountains, lakes, and again everyone loves him. He's never even bitten or growled at anyone else. Even though Ive saved his life twice, he loathes me. I got one of Cesear Milans trainers to come and work with him. He was great when the trainer was here as soon as left , he went back to being a brat. But he was frightened of Agatha , when Agatha first arrived he went over to checked her out, and she went for him and started barking at him in her surprisingly deep throaty bark. He started flinching and never went near her again in 5 years.

Anyway as I'm primally an artist, I do print making and video installation , Im putting together a little film using all of Agathas photos and videos. Was too painful though yesterday to carry on with it yesterday, can only do it in small stages, brings on too many memories. Last night I ordered a charm bracelet with her face on it. Sorry have gone on too long. Also wish people would stop sending me photos of dogs that need rescuing, 

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KayC

OMG, I remember that!  (Cecil)  That was awful, I felt the same way.  So horrible.  My cat rescue neighbor has a friend who is an animal communicator.  We were going to go look for Smokey (the cat) until he said he shot him.  He was about 25 lbs and gorgeous, I've never seen another like him, I had just held and petted him all day, I was sick about it.

I understand, it's how I feel about Joe (not Arlie) but I stopped expecting it/comparing.  No one is Arlie nor ever will be, just like no one is Agatha...that is a tribute to them, to how special they are.

4 hours ago, agathas mum said:

I know he would slam the door if he could.

That's too funny!

4 hours ago, agathas mum said:

Anyway as I'm primally an artist, I do print making and video installation

Oh wow, you're what I wish I was!  I'm not that up on technology (turning 68)...I've made cards for 35 years and am artistic with that, I can make a card out of anything or I should say I SEE a card in everything.  But I've lost my desire/inspiration with Arlie gone.  I never correlated the two until just now.  I hope it comes back, but It's been a good long while.  

You will know if/when you see the one that you're meant to adopt...it won't be like Agatha, but it will create that spot in your heart.  Always Agatha will be special to you as Arlie is with me.

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agathas mum

KayC !

I think that because creating art is a joyful, satisfying experience and we have become cut of from that joy in our lives, our inspiration has gone. The only thing I can do at the moment is the film about Agatha, because i have  a huge collection of all the photos I have of her and I want to see them all in one place. The thought of creating anything new is unimaginable , there is no room in my head and even physically I feel constantly exhausted.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to take some new flowers, its a gentle calm place, because its filled with so much love. There was a family there laying the grave marker. They had even bought a small picnic with them.

I spoke to the animal communicator yesterday. He was very nice and sent me the recording of our conversation today. It was very hit and miss, some things  were very generic but then occasionally he'd get something right. He talked about her having very long legs (not visible in the photo i sent him) and she liked to dance. Very true, I had a song I used to sing to her about her dancing and she would do a morning happy dance. But for the most part , it was that she was still with me and very very happy and to look out for signs from her etc oh well. However an hour later a huge beautiful butterfly appeared on my patio , huge like a monarch, the last one the other day was white. I kept trying to take a photo of it but it wouldn't keep still, it kept going over to the kitchen door like it was going into the house but then would zoom off again.

I spoke to my therapist on Wednesday, I think I told you how much she loved Agatha and has contributed to  her grave stone. She said something very interesting. She said everyday since I got Agatha 5 years ago and especially since she was not well, I had been Agathas little problem solver. Everyday had been about watching Agatha and trying to figure out what would make her happy or her life more comfortable, whether it was different food, a better bed, different games and puzzles etc. And then when she wasn't well, that increased. Like buying various dog bowls of different heights to find out the right height for how to drink more easily because she didn't have much tongue left,  how to best make her comfortable when in the Uber on the way to the vets ( by the end of the 20 daily visits , I'd finally figured it out :0) ! ) So when she passed away, that all came to sudden stop, And thats why my brain won't shut off about trying to figure out what I could have done differently . She also said don't let anyway take away from you the feelings that you have they will go or not when I'm ready to let them go. I know people want me to feel better and constantly say that I did everything I could, but they weren't there with me on a daily basis, and those feelings or constant different narratives I tell myself of what I should have done differently, will either fade or not. I can't tell yet . I've never felt like this. I'm sorry to always write  so much, but its comforting to let it all out to someone who really understands. Arlie really is part of you. When I read this I thought of you and Arlie - 'If love could have kept you alive you would have lived forever'

bless your heart

 

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KayC
3 hours ago, agathas mum said:

'If love could have kept you alive you would have lived forever'

I wish I'd had that put on Arlie's gravestone..  I think when I'm more comfortable going out shopping I will plant some flowers on my Arlie's grave, I've never done that on anyone's before, but also Skye and Kitty's and where my husband's ashes lay.  The deer will undoubtedly destroy them but I have to try.

I apologize for being one of those people who try to tell you you did everything you could, but that's how I see it, but I also know I get those nagging thoughts about my Arlie...What if I'd taken Arlie to a better vet that would have caught his cancer in time instead of performing a perfunctory physical that caught nothing but should have.  Was there anything more I could have done to save his life?  I don't know of anything at the point of diagnosis, it was too late by then.  But I also know I couldn't keep him alive forever, and quite honestly that's what I want.

Don't apologize for posting, that is what this place is here for.  My purpose in life is to help people with their grief and I know that ultimately all I can do is be here to listen and post an article if I find one fitting.  Beyond that, we all have but to make our way through this in our own time and way...therein is the difficult part.  (((hugs)))

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agathas mum

I apologize for being one of those people who try to tell you you did everything you could, but that's how I see it, but I also know I get those nagging thoughts about my Arlie..

Oh No !!!! I didn't mean you at all ! you're brilliant. Its people who don't even think it through, they are just saying it as a salve, hoping it will cheer me up ! but don't really "hear" me . One friend suggested I go and see a therapist if I'm not over this soon (didn't want to tell her I already am ) ! people react to grief in strange ways don't they ?

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KayC

People in general are not well versed in how to respond to grievers in our culture, unfortunately.  As if we don't have enough to deal with!  There IS no "time frame!"  And definitely no expiration date.  Our grief is as deep as our love, our relationship.  The more entwined we were with the person/animal, the more it WILL affect us!  Since our dogs are our daily companions, it will hit us harder than most people in our lives.  Losing my Arlie reminded me of losing my husband 15 years ago...it didn't affect my income, the chores, making decisions, my identity as someone's wife, but it affected everything else deeply!

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agathas mum

I am so so sorry that you lost your dear husband. No-one should go through the grief you have experienced , you are so strong. a warrior woman.

Today is a bad day. She passed away at 11 am, a month ago. Every time I looked at her she made my heart sing with joy. To me she was perfect in every way. I will never experience joy again This was her 3 hrs before she died, she looked so pretty. And still no-one can tell me WHY she passed away, it still makes no sense. Ive got to stop trying to make sense of it, its driving me crazy

Screen Shot 2020-04-29 at 1.54.36 PM.png

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KayC

There are some things that make no sense no matter how we turn them around in our minds.  This is one of those.  My Arlie did not deserve to die the way he did, he was a sweet beautiful perfect dog!  He was such a good boy.  He didn't dig, never bit anyone, even when bitten.  Whenever he got loose, he never went further than 1/2 block, always would come back with a little coaxing.  That in spite of being Husky, who are known to fun for it.  I love and miss him more than anything, just as you do your Agatha.  There is no making sense of this.  I've heard people say things like "God must have needed him in heaven."  I needed him here.

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AJWCat

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Agatha. I read your whole story. She obviously had a lot of things happening poor girl. I know it's of little comfort, but thank goodness she was with you in your arms at the end. 

I lost my cat to what we think was a poison (the emergency vet claimed it was although we never found any sign of anything) while staying at a vacation home. It was a nightmare. He suffered greatly at the end. It's been almost 3 years and I can barely think of my cat in pain. So I know what you are dealing with. The guilt. The questions with no answers.

Maybe it was just age and her little body gave out? Thank goodness she had you for her years at the end to know love and happiness.

I finally had to forgive myself to reach some level of survival. (I replayed that night with him in my mind almost to the point of insanity.) 

And you, who did nothing wrong at all, I promise, will still find peace and self forgiveness even though you don't feel you will now.  

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agathas mum

AJWCat I'm so sorry , I just read your story and my heart breaks for you. The lack of knowledge as to the why ? and the shock and the suddenness. It makes no sense, thats why the narrative goes round and round in our heads . Our  brain wants to make sense of something to is so overwhelming  and all consuming that I think it is constantly looking for clues to gives the answers. KayC you are so right, I need her here, this is where she belongs, next to me on the sofa. Today I had a total meltdown , I was cleaning my kitchen and all her toys and puzzles are there. I sobbed for hours, she was so clever , that just to watch her her figuring out how to open flaps  with her nose  and flip open little little drawers with paw, I couldn't stand it that I will never see her do that again. I filmed it and would keep showing to people , saying , look how clever she is . I loved how you wrote about Arlie and about his playful funny games with you, what a champ !  

My neighbors dog is being picked up from me today. Its been weird, but she doesn't look like Agatha so that is a good thing, I thought of it more as a job, that helped.

However I then got a call from a bossy, dog rescue friend, that asked if I could take in a little dog for 2 weeks that is in recovering from being abused and having a litter of stillborn puppies and needed a quiet place to recover with no other dogs. My heart was screaming no ! but i felt obliged because I was their last resort. I made it clear that she could not use ANY of Agathas things and must come with all her own stuff. I have a vague sense of being manipulated.  Then another call from a different dog rescue friend, someone had found an tiny, elderly chihuahua tied to fence, could I take her and foster her until they find her a home. For some reason that was easier to say yes to, poor little miteI  anyway the owner was found, so I didn't have to, big relief. Sorry I'm rambling again. think KayC that I'm going to order the book you recommended about After Life experiences with animals.  Thank you both for being so kind and so brilliant , bless your hearts both of you . I feel like you are true angels

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