Lost my darling 4 days ago - How on earth do you survive!

[Colmort]

Hi, my darling Alun died 4 days ago after a nearly 4 year battle with cancer. I never imagined how bad id feel. I can hardly breathe. I feel like screaming. I just want to see him again. Of course i knew he'd die but the night before he was eating icecream and chatting. All my ideas about spirituality went out of the window when he died. He was just gone. Im so angry, lost and confused. We were together nearly 21 years. I don't imagine I'll ever get over this. None of my friends have visited. Holy cow this hurts. I feel like ive been shot but im still walking about; haven't even had the funeral yet. My best friend said 'well once you've got the funeral over it will get better'....uh...

So, i think im gonna need a community that understands. How can we acknowledge how broken we are yet hold it together. Early days i know, but a journey of a thousand miles.....he was just 52.

Much love

Col

[LeannC45]

20 minutes ago, Colmort said:

Hi, my darling Alun died 4 days ago after a nearly 4 year battle with cancer. I never imagined how bad id feel. I can hardly breathe. I feel like screaming. I just want to see him again. Of course i knew he'd die but the night before he was eating icecream and chatting. All my ideas about spirituality went out of the window when he died. He was just gone. Im so angry, lost and confused. We were together nearly 21 years. I don't imagine I'll ever get over this. None of my friends have visited. Holy cow this hurts. I feel like ive been shot but im still walking about; haven't even had the funeral yet. My best friend said 'well once you've got the funeral over it will get better'....uh...

So, i think im gonna need a community that understands. How can we acknowledge how broken we are yet hold it together. Early days i know, but a journey of a thousand miles.....he was just 52.

Much love

Col

First I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can remember when my husband first passed away the heavy fog I was in. My husbands friends and family came over with food and everyone kept asking questions about his service. I felt like the whole world was spinning. My brain was unavailable, my heart was hurting, my world just turned upside down. Honestly, no it won't get better after the service. You don't even get the gravity of the loss until all the busyness has subsided. You will go through the motions because of course you want to honor your loved one and lay them to rest with respect. The reality of walking through life without them hits you later and then you have to learn how to do that. I am almost 6 months in and I am still looking for support and learning how to cope and live my life each day. I know that this might sound grim but light does creep through eventually. There just isn't a way to lose someone that lives in your heart without feeling like the earth just cracked in two.

[Colmort]

Hi LeAnn, yes id guessed as much. It feels to me right now an endless road and i have to get used to this sick feeling of dread forever. I hold on to the fact that even if i got alun back for a day, it wouldn't be enough. Plus, he'd be suffering so it's not fair to wish my suffering to be eased for his to come back. Looking after him for nearly 4 years, trying to hold him up drained the life out of me. I'd do it all again. But to now face this new, seemingly endless ordeal is awful. But i know im not alone in dealing with this. To be honest im not in a fog as i have so much to do and no help. When my husband was ill it was the same. Im considered the coper so get left alone. I know I'll probably fall apart later. Why do people think we are glad to have time on our hands, less pressures. It's like a gaping hole where love used to be. Thanks for sharing. I was rather naively hoping it would ease a little in a few months. Silly really. Yes, it does feel like the earth cracked in two. But the rest of life just goes on regardless... it hurts so much 

 

Much love to you....Col

[LeannC45]

15 minutes ago, Colmort said:

Hi LeAnn, yes id guessed as much. It feels to me right now an endless road and i have to get used to this sick feeling of dread forever. I hold on to the fact that even if i got alun back for a day, it wouldn't be enough. Plus, he'd be suffering so it's not fair to wish my suffering to be eased for his to come back. Looking after him for nearly 4 years, trying to hold him up drained the life out of me. I'd do it all again. But to now face this new, seemingly endless ordeal is awful. But i know im not alone in dealing with this. To be honest im not in a fog as i have so much to do and no help. When my husband was ill it was the same. Im considered the coper so get left alone. I know I'll probably fall apart later. Why do people think we are glad to have time on our hands, less pressures. It's like a gaping hole where love used to be. Thanks for sharing. I was rather naively hoping it would ease a little in a few months. Silly really. Yes, it does feel like the earth cracked in two. But the rest of life just goes on regardless... it hurts so much 

 

Much love to you....Col

I'm sorry please don't think that you can't feel an ease in a few months time. I read my response back and it definitely displayed how I am currently feeling. I honestly have had some good days in the last month. I actually went a couple places with my son and his girlfriend and had a normal day with laughter and light present. For some reason the last couple days I fell back into really grieving the loss of my husband again. What I ultimately want to share is that there is hope for better days and we still have our lives to live. I wish you strength on your journey. 

[Colmort]

Thanks, and i wish you strength and more days of love and light. We all need some respite i think. Im just so grateful for you sharing with me.  I cant get used to not having a husband! It feels so odd. He is still my husband to me...even if he's passed on. He always will be.  I hope you have some more lovely days and find some strength and solace when you really feel the loss of your husband.

 

Much love

Col x

 

[Lucygucy]

I feel like for politeness' sake I should say 'I'm so sorry' or 'I know how you feel'...but the words feel so shallow in the face of such loss. My husband passed on ( using that term intentionally, because I know it is only his body that has died and that the real *he* still  survives in heaven or an afterlife...just my own beliefs, not intending to foist them on you) just 3 months ago. In all honesty, I have very limited recollection of the first week or so...I guess I was numb, but I do recall even the numbness as being hellishly surreal. I recall feeling like Lucy in the Charlie Brown cartoon strip, with me being Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and God as Lucy yanking the football away at the last minute. My husband had cancer, too, but had successfully reached and maintained complete remission only to die from a preventable side effect of a medication he had just started to maintain that remission. So we went from the high of being assured at his last oncology checkup just 2 weeks before he died to the blow of slipping away from a medical mistake. I understand the anger and the rage and the need to scream and that horrid sense of being unable to breathe...I want to assure you that it is normal, imo...but torturous. I have some good days, or a series of good days, followed up by days like today that come close to breaking me. I've spoken with other people who have lost their spouses, some as long as 9 or 10 or more years and there are still bad days. So...not to scare you...but if you are wondering if there is anything wrong with your reactions and feelings...NO, YOU ARE OKAY for feeling the way you do. Like you, Colmort, I felt and still feel so isolated even now. My own family is gone, and my husband and I had no children together. His adult kids were not very attentive to him while he was alive, and it's as if I don't exist. His siblings, too, have rarely called...no cards, no flowers, nothing. In fact, while I was still holding Tony's hand growing cool after he passed, his brother came into the room and told me to stop crying. There' s something very cold--or maybe just too fearful---in modern culture that treats grief as something like a disease. You are so right...that alienation is a great hurt, all on its own. The one thing I am grateful for is that Tony insisted on no funeral, only cremation. No fuss, no muss, remembering the agony of funerals for his and my parents. I am, however, pretty sure that you will not be *feeling better* after the funeral, as your friend believes.  I wish I had some killer advice for you in how to deal with the pain...I will say this, don't hold those tears back like I tried to do at first, because I felt like I would be swallowed up in grief and never come back. I learned the hard way...the first time I went to the grocery store after Tony died, I burst out in tears over the frozen turkey breasts...he loved his turkey and the memory really pierced me through. So now...I cry when I need to. Allegedly this is supposed to help you heal. Anyhow...sending you a virtual hug and kiss and know that you will be in my thoughts ( and prayers, if that's okay with you).

[Colmort]

Ah thanks Lucy, for those heartfelt words. Your prayers are really welcome. I try to pray but feel empty. But i think you do know how i feel. It helps. The whole medical rollercoaster with cancer is fraught and hellish aye, one minute things look hopeful then they can turn on a dime. We had similar mess ups that were devastating for my husband. Sure his cancer would have killed him but i feel sure we lost a year or two due to medical negligence. But noone cares when they have cancer; they were gonna die anyway, right. It hurts so much. So for you and Tony to have that turnaround in a few weeks. I wonder if you both even had the time to process that together, 2 weeks! wow. I cant begin to imagine those times for you. 

It also hurts when family and friends turn away. People say that they just don't know what to say. But maybe just try. Its not too much to ask. So much hurt that keeps coming but i don't want to feel bitter. I hear Alun's voice in my head (not literally) 'babe please don't waste your life in anger, please don't wish your life away'). I love my mum, sister and dad but it hurts a lot they can't be bothered to come to see me. My mum goes on about Jesus but it doesn't inspire her to a 40 min bus ride. My father is unwell too but he is still able to go out alone etc. My mum never could let me cry or be sad, she just can't cope. Its very strange , she just says im not listening to this the lord will lift my spirits. Maybe jesus doesn't like crying or sadness? The one big plus of being alone is that all i do is cry almost all day bouts of weeping in between doing bits then hours of crying in between. That feels easier to bear than the nagging feeling of dread. So i am a real crier!  I did read a thing that was helpful that said pain doesn't need to be my only connection to a passed love one. But its early days. 

My husband had wanted a direct cremation but his mother made a fuss, what about me? We did talk about it while he was here that to stop her bleating we'd do something minimal. So of course im doing it for her and doing it alone. She never sat with him through all the tears, she said i'm glad i don't have to do that. But at least i can say something truthful about him. I'm dreading it. I knew i wouldn't feel better after the funeral but is a worrying sign of the support i can expect. But in a way being so isolated i can only turn to my own thoughts, or what my darling Alun would say, or people like you. Who really do know how i feel. I think there is a lot more crying to come Lucy. It seems the pain is in proportion to the love we had/have. I feel crazy but my relationship to Alun is still the most real and supportive thing to me. Boy, do i miss him. Life can be cruel aye. I wish i coykd believe in something more, i try. But right now it's not feeling real to me. 

Thanks for sharing in the midst of your own sorrow. Its nice we can reach out to each other to share our pain, frailty and humanity. Love and blessings to you. May the days give you some refuge,  kindness and measure of peace. Hugs back. Bless you

Much love Col xxx

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Colmort said:

Hi, my darling Alun died 4 days ago after a nearly 4 year battle with cancer. I never imagined how bad id feel. I can hardly breathe. I feel like screaming. I just want to see him again. Of course i knew he'd die but the night before he was eating icecream and chatting. All my ideas about spirituality went out of the window when he died. He was just gone. Im so angry, lost and confused. We were together nearly 21 years. I don't imagine I'll ever get over this. None of my friends have visited. Holy cow this hurts. I feel like ive been shot but im still walking about; haven't even had the funeral yet. My best friend said 'well once you've got the funeral over it will get better'....uh...

So, i think im gonna need a community that understands. How can we acknowledge how broken we are yet hold it together. Early days i know, but a journey of a thousand miles.....he was just 52.

Much love

Col

I am so sorry you lost him...my husband had just turned 51 when he died of a heart attack.  His family, our friends, they all disappeared.  Only my family remained and they hadn't a clue what it was like to lose your husband, all these 13 years later, they still have theirs.

No, we don't "get over" this.  Grief has no expiration date.  There is no preparing for this, no matter how long one is sick, no matter the prognosis you're given, while they are yet alive we hope against hope for that miracle, that it won't happen today, that it won't happen tomorrow either.  As you said, he was just eating ice cream and chatting!  They are so full of life...how can they be gone?  

Friends...they should be there, but they are uncomfortable with death, they avoid it like the plague, and you are a reminder to them of their own mortality, and that of their spouse as well.  Our culture has not done a very good job of teaching people how to respond to this situation.  After the funeral, a year later, two, it doesn't change the fact he's gone and you're left trying to figure out how to deal with it.  I will never forget those early months/years!  I felt anxious distraught, terrified, I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life!

I learned to take a day at a time.  That helped.  I want to share what I have learned on my journey...it's too much to assimilate all at once, so I ask you to print it out and keep it, refer to it every few months or so and see what stands out to you then because our grief journey is an evolutionary process, what hits you tomorrow will be different than what is hitting you today.  I do want to tell you that this can be gotten through, and we'll be here along side you if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Colmort said:

I try to pray but feel empty.

This is common in early grief, by early I mean at least the first year.  Try not to worry about it.  I've always been an avid prayer, I've taught classes on prayer with even ministers in them!  Yet when my George died, I felt God was a million miles away.  I'd try to open my heart, my mouth, to speak, and nothing was forthcoming.  You know what?  He understands that.  I re-read "Dark Night of the Soul", it took on a whole new meaning as I experienced the dark night of my own soul.  God hears us when we have no words.  He's there holding us when we feel nothing but abandonment.  He takes it all in stride when we beat on His chest.  He has a big chest, He can take it.  It'll all come around in due time, not to worry.

17 hours ago, Colmort said:

I was rather naively hoping it would ease a little in a few months.

Some of it does, some of it doesn't.  It's ever evolving, this grief journey, it lasts a lifetime, but what we are going through can change. The shock subsides in about six months, little by little the grief fog abates, although it took oh so long for it to with me!  We learn to adjust and cope, to do things on our own, to make decisions, to handle things.  I miss him each and every day, our love continues, that has not lessened for me, if anything I love him even more as I appreciate how rare he was!  Was-is.  Because I believe he still is.  He exists, he's just transformed into what is next, he's gotten there ahead of me, but I'll join him someday, we'll be together again, and this is but a brief time out of a whole eternity ahead.  it doesn't feel very brief in the moment.  I won't kid you, sometimes it's hard.  It's really hard going through the hard places without him, loss of job, surgery, car breaking down, dealing with contractors on home repairs, my daughter being in a troubled marriage, etc.  I still talk to him.  If they knew how much they would probably haul me off.  But they'd have to haul all of us off because I think we all do it.  I still feel that connection with him, he was and is my soul mate.  Present tense, past tense, it all runs together.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Colmort said:

People say that they just don't know what to say. But maybe just try. Its not too much to ask.

Yeah, doesn't that kill you?!  I mean if they think THEY are uncomfortable, how do they think WE feel!  This has a way of re-writing our friends list.  I lost friends, but I gained a new one, a really good friend, her husband died a few years after mine...now she's moved away when she remarried, I miss her.  Still haven't found another friend like her but I keep working on it, trying.

 

[Colmort]

Thanks Kayc, id read some of your posts before i got the courage to post. I want to move with this and keep that connection with Alun. I know the desperate thoughts are just that i want him here with me. I want alun to be proud of me. Before he died he told me he loved me and that i was special. I want to honor his life not throw my life away. Hell,it hurts. Maybe that's the depth of love, also shows my limitations on loving. Im trying to learn. Thanks for taking the time to reach out. I can see how often you do that George would thumbs up that i imagine. Im still married in my mind, the love goes on. Love and light. Col x thanks again. 

[KayC]

It's a weird place we're thrust in, we still feel married, after all, we didn't consent to any of this!  We still feel the same about them!  But on our tax forms, etc. they make us mark ourselves as single.  That's painful.  I've gotten more used to it over the years, but oh my gosh, how it hurt when I first had to file my taxes or fill out a medical form and check that box!

I think part of our way of dealing with life after is wanting to honor them and make them proud of us.  I know my George would understand me, all I've been through since, he always did.  Our love continues...

[Colmort]

Oh my gosh, yes, two days after alun died i had to complete a government form and tick 'single'. I kept scanning backwards and forwards online looking for 'widowed' or something to acknowledge him. But no, im single, i live alone. Talk about rub salt into a wound. Boy that hurts. No wonder newly bereaved have such a hard time along with the loss. It's unnecessarily cruel. 

Yes, im driving about crying, talking to alun saying 'i can't do this Al'...then i apologize to him and say 'im sorry, I'll try sweetheart its just so hard'. I know he loved me so much and would want me to be ok. I just wish i believed he was ok somewhere. I'm finding it hard to believe I'll ever see him again..

Love Col x

[KayC]

It was less than a week after George died when I had to make the trek to the social security office 60 miles away to present George's death certificate.  The lady that waited on me brought up his ex wife, which I didn't think was necessary, then she pronounced our marriage ended, in death.  I started bawling so hard it was hard to see to drive.  I called a girlfriend and went over there before I could drive the rest of the way home.  It was so cold and callous!  I didn't see any of that was necessary.  My God, people can be unsympathetic!  Somehow we live through this, I don't know how.

To those who don't have belief in afterlife and wish they could, I recommend watching youtube videos of space...the galaxies beyond us, it's amazing at broadening our perspectives.  Watch enough of them, it's hard to believe our planet, people, how intrinsically formed, could be mere happenstance, and especially when you consider the billions of stars and planets that exist!  You don't have to believe, just consider the possibility that just maybe...

[Colmort]

Thanks Kayc, i will watch this. I used to believe but over the years have lost it. But my husband definitely believed in space and other forms of life. So i will watch that. It's a marvellous thought that i will see him again, even in another form- i talk to him all the time. Maybe im going mad, but i find it helps..

Thanks again! Im somehow getting through each day with small victories among the tears. I know Alun would be so proud of me..

 

Much love Col x

 

[KayC]

If others think us mad, what is that to us?  All that matters is that we find our way through this as best as we can.  You have plenty of company here.