Gf lost her late husband

[Onelove07]

My girlfriend I've been seeing for several months has started grieving again about her late husband that commited suicide few years back. She thought she was over it for the most part to the point she could move forward with her life and date again. We recently started dating and right away built a connection that was incredible in every way. We had such a strong connection and had even been talking about future plans together. Her mother in law brought up the night her son died and begin asking questions about that night. From my understanding the mother in law has done this several times and every time it brings her down and makes her start grieving again. Now that she is grieving she has stopped talking to me because she said she doesn't want to keep leading me on as she doesn't have her head on right. She misses her late husband and just wishes she could have that life back. With those thoughts constantly going through her mind even knowing she will never get it back she doesn't want to continue with our relationship for the time being. She has contacted her counselor and is getting back on a routine with her to get help and get through this. It's left me with a broken heart  and we haven't talked in a week since this happened. I am trying to be respectful and give her her space but I want her to know I'm thinking of her and care for her. I would be patient to wait for her no matter how long it takes. How can i try showing her I want to be there for her without pushing her away. Would some simple flowers or a card be to much. How should I help her if I can at all?

[KayC]

This post fits in perfectly here:
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/forum/27-loss-of-a-love-relationship/

You might want to paste it there where you'll find those who have been through this that can respond to you there.  I am on both places.

Grief affects a certain percentage of people differently than others, they break up with their significant other because they feel that they can't deal with anything but their grief at the moment.  Interestingly enough, they break up with their GF/BF but not their friends, and can even go out with their friends and have an evening of enjoyment.  It's weird like that.  I've read each and every post in that section I linked and have responded to them...I only remember one, out of hundreds, who actually made it through with their relationship intact.

In other words, don't wait around for her or hold your breath.  The fact that she'd break up with you rather than work through things together is a huge red flag.  I would want someone who went through life with me through thick and thin, you know?  We all encounter hard places, she has demonstrated to you how she handles hers.  That's not a diss to her, just an observation...not everyone responds this way, but enough to see it as a grief response.

You are asking how to be there for her.  I can tell you that you can do everything perfectly and still lose her, in fact, she's already gone.  It just hasn't fully sunk into you yet.  You haven't accepted it, you're still trying to think of a way to make it work.  My best advice is let her work out her own issues and you work on yourself.  Be very understanding and patient with yourself, you are now grieving the loss of a love relationship.  Due to no fault of your own.  No contact is best.  She knows how to get in touch with you.  It can take years for her to work through her grief, don't wait with bated breath.  I'm very serious!  

I could post you a link on how to help someone through their grief except that's not what she wants from you...she broke up with you.  Let her go.  Don't take my word for it, go to the link to the other site, start a thread there under loss of a love relationship section, and wait...you will get responses.  Listen to them.  I will be one of many.

I'm sorry.

[Lucygucy]

It sounds to me as if she is possibly afraid of being hurt again? Unless she and former husband had kids together, perhaps she should distance herself from her MIL who is picking away at the scab of your GF's grief so that she can't heal. Note: you should not be the one to suggest this to her...it will backfire. I'm not suggesting that MIL is doing this maliciously or even consciously, but I am guessing she sees your GF as a living thread to her deceased son. In any case, I'd leave her be, for the time being...too soon for cards and flowers that she may read as pressure. Let her have the space to work through this by herself. Maybe in a few more weeks, you can send a 'just saying hi' type of card and see if you can get a sense of whether she is still stuck. I don't actually see her behavior as uncaring, as much as she has the maturity to not string you along while she is conflicted by a lack of closure regarding he husband's death. I understand that suicides, too, bring an even extra level of grief and guilt. I can only suggest that you give her the time to work with her counselor. I know that's hard advice, but you ARE caring for her by giving her the space and opportunity to resolve this.

[KayC]

I really do hope you'll go to the link I gave you and read the stories there.  You will definitely see patterns and I think it will help you see the big picture of what's happening.  As Lucygucy said, any gesture you give right now would likely backfire and be construed as pressure.  It's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  I've been through it.  And the thought did occur to me that the MIL is stirring the pot. It is important to respect your GF's wishes and give her the space she wants.  I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth and I'd like to spare you further grief beyond what you're already going through.

[Onelove07]

Thanks for the advice. I would agree with most of what you both have told me. It's only been a little over a week since we haven't spoken. Been rather difficult for me to enjoy myself when everything I do I am constantly finding myself getting side tracked thinking of her. Starting to wonder if it's something I did maybe. Maybe she was scared that we were moving to fast and didn't want to openly tell me. She's not a very confrontational person. So for her to ask her MIL to stop bringing the night of the incident up will most likely never happen unless her concel talks her into it. This has started taking a big affect on my mentality and I wish I could find a way to cope with it and at least try moving along for the time being as normal as possible. I've tried going out with friends but no matter what I get side tracked. Some have told me to send her a simple task and invite her out for a drink or dinner. But the way she went from being so close to me to suddenly stop talking after she got depressed over here past makes me think she doesn't want anything to do with me period. Should I just give up, be patient, any advice is appreciated as I need to find a way to work on myself now before this affects me any more

[KayC]

Did you go to the link I provided and read any of those threads?  When you read enough of them, you see a picture, a classic grief response.  You see that nothing you do is going to change her responding this way.  It's not about you, it's about how SHE is handling this, and that you can't change or be responsible for.

When I went through it I cried for four months, I cleaned my house, anything to channel my energy...I never had such a clean house!  It's hard to get through, but we survive even when it's painful and eventually the pain subsides and we can see with more clarity.  

Your GF broke up with you, I would not infiltrate myself into her space, that's not what she wants, not what she asked for, to do anything else is disrespecting her wishes.  After much time goes by and you've begun your healing and she's had time to work through some of her grief, perhaps reaching out as a potential friend but not until you've healed.  It has to be from a place of respect, not a place of wanting to change her mind, or wanting a particular outcome, it cannot be manipulated in the slightest way, and few can do that.