I’m Scared that my Father May Die soon

[DeepAquarium]

My dad has always been a tough guy that’s full of energy, but things have changed. After a nearly fatal car crash that resulted in multiple broken vertebrae, a displaced collarbone, many surgeries, numerous scars, and the loss of a lifetime of progress. For years he had been working on managing his depression, weight, and heart health, and his efforts were quite successful before the crash. Things have improved again, but it’s still not the same. He’s fragile now, a word that I would have never have used to describe him before. Our recent vacation has been hellish for me. He’s doing so many reckless things that he hasn’t talked to his doctor about. I try to tell him that he shouldn’t go surfing in such shallow water, but he insists that he’s fine. He’s always been stubborn, but this time it’s making me suffer. Yet another thing that makes me anxious is his high blood pressure and bad heart health. His side of the family has a history of heart attacks, which makes me so nervous. He seems to constantly be telling me that when he passes away, he wants me to move on quickly and stay happy. I feel that he’s not telling me something that has to do with his health because I hear those words so often. He’s the one person that gives me a reason to keep on living. I’m only fourteen. I don’t know how I would continue living if he passed away while I’m still so young. I’m sorry if this is the wrong area that I’m posting to.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

DeepAquarium,

my heart truly goes out to you. I wish I could ease your worry, fear and anxiety. Continuing to share feelings and writing them out is one of the things I do to cope with the uncertainty of my mother’s incurable illness and the decline of my father’s health. When I was your age and didn’t know who to turn to, I spoke to my school counselor to try and get some help in coping and I also talked to a trusted adult family member to see if they could help me find a professional to talk to. Or if they were willing to talk to me about my feelings. I had to ask and bring it up more than once and then finally in desperation of feeling like the adults around me weren’t listening, I reached out to another peer at school who seemed to have a similar situation and we went to teen meetings together and online forums and podcasts. Eventually, after clearly repeating it (a lot) to my parent how I was struggling, and they weren’t sure what do to do...I said: I would like to see a professional counselor can you help me make a call and get me an appointment with someone? I’m hoping for you, that your parent, relative, or trusted friend of your family can help you with something like that and that you feel safe in asking. It’s so important not to hold the feelings you feel inside and I feel you’re doing a really good thing for yourself by sharing. Please know you’re not alone in what you feel. Many of us at all ages are feeling similar ways. Although I am 39, I actually have a dad that also does a lot of reckless things and also things that confuse me and cause me to feel severe stress. I am currently experiencing him making it harder for me to properly care for my mother. He’s not doing it on purpose, it’s just that a lot of times... even adults aren’t sure what to do, or how to handle things and they make mistakes or choices that are not in alignment with what we feel they should be doing. It’s hard when you feel like if they just didn’t do this, or that, then they would be okay and I would be okay...at least be ok for a little while. I feel like, they’re an adult and so they should know better, but then I realize they doing their best. There’s no exact path to handling illness and grief. Just continue reaching out until you are heard and recieve what you need. Don’t give up hope that things can change. I try and remind myself time and time again that I can’t control what they are going to do or not do. The only person I have control over is myself, my reactions and spending as much time with my parents while I have them. And when they do that crazy business right in front of me, I take a walk until they are done because it hurts me to watch. Wishing you safety in your heart and mind and for the right people to surround you and give your support.