My cats death was my fault

[My buddy Thomas]

Two nights ago I had to bury my pet cat Thomas. I had him for 12 years and despite the phrase 'Dog's are a man's best friend', Thomas was mine, he was everything to me and my whole day was organised around him. Thomas had hyperthyroidism which eventually led to congestive heart failure which is quite common. Congestive heart failure can be managed with medication but cannot be cured and once it is diagnosed, it is only a matter of time. He had good days and bad days but he'd had two episodes where he temporarily lost his vision so I had to arrange to bring him to the vet. I went to put him in his crate but he was putting up a fight as he knew it meant the car and the vets which he hated and got really stressed out. I didn't want to stress him out in any way because of his heart so I put him in a different container. We went to the vets who said the temporary blindness was probably due to clots that were starting to form and prescribed asprin which I think thins the blood. So I put him back in his container and drove home. As I'm driving he always meows as he's scared but I liked to hear it as it meant he was ok. But about 20 metres from my house he hadn't meowed for a minute. I rushed home and pulled him out and he was having some sort of fit. I brought him round and lay him down, it went on for about 10 minutes. I thought he would come out of it but suddenly it was obvious he was struggling to breathe. I had to watch helplessly as he was gasping and gasping for air but couldn't get any. He kept changing directions as if he was trying everything but he couldn't breathe. Eventually he left me and was dead. 

I'm pretty convinced the container I put him in didn't have enough air getting into it and his death was my fault. Thomas was in the end stage of heart failure and hadn't got long left anyway but I think I cut about 2 months off his life and caused him to have the most horrible death imaginable. 

I'm a 33 year old man and I'm complately destroyed. I can't stop crying and I can't sleep and when I do my dreams are re-running what happened. I don't know how I was so stupid not to know that container wouldn't have have enough air. I'm not even sure why I'm writing here except to get it out of my system or even to pass the time as the days and nights now are so long. I've had tons of pets throughout my life but none ever like Thomas. He was so good even after he got sick 3 or so years ago. I've never grieved like this even for a human passing. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't get over that I caused him to die like that.

RIP my buddy :-(

[Bri]

so sorry for your loss.  I have been in your shoes...there is no easy answer and I can say that it is not your fault and in time it will get better...but only you can forgive you.  It sounds to me that is was your cat's time and the loss of Thomas is what is hurting you so bad.  I wish you comfort.

[Lennon my boy]

God this sounds awful I have just lost my lovely black labrador to congestive heart failure just 9 days ago. The vet told me his heart wouldn't be able to continue and he would have a heart attack which would have been horrible for him. I felt that there was nothing else I could do but agree for Lennon to be euthanized. It was really a devastating experience I held Lennon like he was a baby in my arms whilst he passed away peacefully. I can tell you that this was the most difficult decision I have made in my entire life and I have numerous regrets. I fear that maybe Lennon had more time and that he wasn't ready I tried to find a way around the situation but I was told that there was nothing more that could be done. I now feel like I have betrayed Lennon everyone is saying this was the best thing to do for Lennon but I just don't know if it was he was diagnosed back in January 2018. I felt there was no other option and was told there was no other treatment options either but non the less I beat myself up constantly about this and although Lennon's death was peaceful I myself have no peace now only pain and guilt.

Did the vet say to you what the cause of death was for your beautiful cat? Blaming yourself will not change what has happened but it would be good if you could get some answers to try to ease your mind even a little.

I have spent the last 9 days punishing myself for agreeing for Lennon to be put to rest and have cried for hours he's all I think of night and day. Today is the first day that I haven't cried but am back at work so have been busy. I needed to take time off as my grief was too intense last week. I feel like maybe am starting to cope a little better but I miss him so terribly that it is very painful.

I blame myself for Lennon death just like you blame yourself. Lennon was being treated for congestive heart failure like your Thomas and I was extra vigilant with vet appointment and taking him for regular check ups and new medication was started about 4 weeks ago which we thought improved his rapid heart rate but it was short lived.

Are you sure that Thomas didn't passed away due to his heart condition? Can your vet not advise you of the most probable cause.

This is a very difficult time for you as is for me and I hope that one day we can forgive ourselves.

[My buddy Thomas]

Bri, 

Thank you for your reply and good wishes. I think it actually helped me typing my feelings out and it definitely helps getting replies. I'm hoping that it will get better in time and I can get over this but right now I have so much pain inside.

[My buddy Thomas]

Lennon my boy, 

I am really really sorry for your loss of Lennon. We have a black labrador named Millie, they are the most amazing dogs... she hates cats but was wierdly ok with Thomas- it's like she knew he was sick....

I need to tell you, you made complety the right decision in euthanising Lennon - if you had seen how Thomas died..... lying on the ground having a fit and then gasping and gasping for air and not able to get any... I had to stand helpless watching this and I can't stop replaying it in my head. I know exactly how you feel in that you were hoping for more time for him but if I could go back and give Thomas a peaceful death, I immediately would. If you had held off and Lennon had a death like Thomas, trust me you'd feel much much worse :-(

With regards to how he died, I think it was either the stress of the car journey or then not having enough air that brought on a heart attack or something- I am from Ireland and we have crazy unusual hot weather at the moment so the car was warm - it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. I haven't spoken to the vet about it. I had to take him though as he had two occasions where he lost his vision for about an hour and I told myself if I didn't bring him and it happened again I would never forgive myself. 

 

Have you got a picture of Lennon?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend.  I agree with the others here, and you can't know for sure that the container caused his death or if the CHF was just too much any more.  I have a good friend with CHF and I worry about him a lot, I can tell when he's struggling with it, it's really hard because I know I'm going to lose him soon...probably sooner than later.

It could have been it was the stress from going to the vet, but what are you to do, when he's having problems you have to take him to the vet!  You did all that you could, and I hope in time you'll realize that and not be so hard on yourself.  I think we all do this, guilt is a part of grief, unfortunately, we can't wrap our minds around the fact that they're dead, it's just too hard and we start wondering maybe we should have done this or that differently in an effort to find a different outcome, yet there is no outcome other than what is.    

I hope you'll read these articles, I think they're very helpful in understanding this.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

Meanwhile, know that we all share in your feelings, we're on this journey together in our losses.

[My buddy Thomas]

Thank you KayC for your words, I'm glad I found this forum so I can put into words how I'm feeling and hear from others who understand. It's possible the stress of the journey caused it- he always hated the car and got stressed out at the very best of times but I don't know. I can't help thinking if I'd just persisted and put him into his regular crate that he'd still be here with me now. 

Thank you for the articles - I will definitely read them.

I just hope this gets easier :-(

[KayC]

And if you'd put him in his regular crate he might have realized all the more what was going on and been even more stressed.  I seriously don't think you did anything wrong, I think it was his time to go, I know that's hard to realize, let alone accept, because everything within us fights their leaving.  As hard as it is, they tend to accept death as a natural part of life, I've lost many dogs and cats and only had one dog that fought the euthanasia, that was hard to watch, but the others just went with their death no matter how it came.  I do know we'll be together again, and that brings me much comfort.  I do hope you read the articles and glean from them.

 

[AJWCat]

Hi, I am SO sorry for your loss of Thomas. Love his pic, what a sweet cat. I know what you are going through. I lost my cat suddenly to some horrible illness/poison (not sure still.) Rushing him, dying to the emergency vet was absolutely horrible. He was like our child, we had him for 10 years. Reading your post I feel your pain and the panic. We are so helpless in the end. I know it may be of little comfort but you were at least there with him. Many people are not so "lucky" to have that. From your post Thomas had some pretty serious health issues and I agree with KayC, you did nothing wrong using a different crate. His little body, for whatever reason was just done fighting. I hope you are doing okay, for me the first few weeks were really tough. Come here to let it out. And let yourself cry and cry, there is no shame in it. 

[My buddy Thomas]

Thank you AJWCat for your kind words. It's been five days now and I'm doing a little better. For the first few days I couldn't eat anything and had a constant sick feeling in my stomach but thankfully that has passed. It's still very difficult to get his final moments of struggle out of my mind and I hate the mornings.... When I first wake up its like I've forgotten what happened and it takes me a second to remember.... I hope I get over that.

I am really sorry about your poor cat, its amazing you come on here so regularly to give help to people, I'm not sure what Id have done without this forum as I don't really have anyone I know to talk to that would understand. Just writing it down and getting it out helps a lot. I will keep visiting.

Here's Thomas and I up to our usual mischief.

[Cheydin]

You two look thick as thieves  

I lost my cat five days ago as well. First thing I do when I get up is remember that he is gone. It is a hard way to start a day. 

[Lennon my boy]

On 6/28/2018 at 9:36 PM, My buddy Thomas said:

Lennon my boy, 

I am really really sorry for your loss of Lennon. We have a black labrador named Millie, they are the most amazing dogs... she hates cats but was wierdly ok with Thomas- it's like she knew he was sick....

I need to tell you, you made complety the right decision in euthanising Lennon - if you had seen how Thomas died..... lying on the ground having a fit and then gasping and gasping for air and not able to get any... I had to stand helpless watching this and I can't stop replaying it in my head. I know exactly how you feel in that you were hoping for more time for him but if I could go back and give Thomas a peaceful death, I immediately would. If you had held off and Lennon had a death like Thomas, trust me you'd feel much much worse :-(

With regards to how he died, I think it was either the stress of the car journey or then not having enough air that brought on a heart attack or something- I am from Ireland and we have crazy unusual hot weather at the moment so the car was warm - it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. I haven't spoken to the vet about it. I had to take him though as he had two occasions where he lost his vision for about an hour and I told myself if I didn't bring him and it happened again I would never forgive myself. 

 

Have you got a picture of Lennon?

This is my Lennon, today has been a bad day for me I keep thinking I'll see him again even just for a moment it's like my mind playing tricks on me just for a second I think it's not real then a moment later the truth hits me again.

It's awful to think that I'll never ever see him again and cuddle his furry warm body. I wouldn't have wanted Lennon to suffer dying naturally the vet said he would. I have been in touch with BlueCross it an animal bereavement website you can email or call in the UK. I see ur in Ireland you should email them. For me it's helping ever so little to try and gets my thoughts into perspective.

This picture was taken of Lennon not long after he was diagnosed with CHF.

How r u coping?

 

[Beatriz]

7 hours ago, Cheydin said:

You two look thick as thieves  

I lost my cat five days ago as well. First thing I do when I get up is remember that he is gone. It is a hard way to start a day. 

 

The same happened to me, Cheydin. Sleep brought me a blessed amnesia and I forgot - but then morning brought it all back. We keep re-playing the trauma of their death our so do our brains. It is a torture but I was told it stops and the good memories prevail. I am so sorry for your losses Cheydin my buddy Thomas and Lennon my boy. 

 

 

 

[My buddy Thomas]

Lennon my boy,

Lennon is beautiful, at the moment it hurts me to look at pictures of Thomas but I'm hoping in the long run we'll be glad that we have those pictures to remember their lives.

I'm doing ok, thanks. I'm going through periods of good and bad. In the last few months Thomas would stay with me in my room at night time and he would wake me up as soon as it got bright to be let outside (actually in the end he was actually learning how to open the window to get out himself - he was so smart) So when I wake up I expect him to be there and it takes me a moment to realise. As you also said I think the mind plays tricks when it's in such a state. That part kills me :-(

I hope you're doing ok today and I hope this forum is proving as helpful to you as it is to me. 

Beatriz, thank you for the kind words, I had just read your story, I'm am deeply sorry for the loss of your two cats also

:-(

Can I ask what people chose to do with the remains? I buried Thomas in our backyard. Everytime I look out at the spot I get a surge of pain through me so now I'm wondering if it was the right decision to bury him so close. I've ordered a headstone and bits and pieces to make a proper memorial grave so again I'm hoping in the long run, I will be glad I kept him close. 

[KayC]

I've buried my pets in my backyard all but one because it was January and the ground too frozen to dig and him so big, and of course some I haven't their bodies to bury, like cats that have gone off to die.  I will likely have to cremate my current dog when it is time, he is so big and no one to help me dig.  It's a hard decision, but with or without a body, I've bought memorial stones once I learned they sold them for pets.

For those who don't know where to purchase them, this is where I got ours:

https://www.personalcreations.com/personalized-pet-memorials-psephds?REF=PCRSRCHgoog_Sympathy&+Memorial+-+Desktop+-+Exact_pet+head+stones_e_c=&cvosrc=PPC.google.pet+head+stones&matchtype=e&PRID=pcrsrch25ypad

 

[littlelukkreung]

My eldest who died last October died during a car journey, and he also had heart problems (the vet said his heart just finally gave out) but I felt as though he got so stressed by the journey that I'd inadvertently contributed to his death. He also seemed to have a painful last few minutes and due to being in a car, I could do nothing but hold him until he breathed his last.

I can only guess here but you'd have to have a very closed off crate to cause any kind of suffocation :/ my opinion doesn't mean much but I truly don't believe it was the crate that did this. 

People tell me all the time that if your pets at least pass with you being there, that's a comfort for them. You were there. You loved him. 

[My buddy Thomas]

Littlelukkreung,  thank you for your message. I'm not sure if it was the container and the truth is I'll never know. If not that, it was definitely the stress of the journey that was too much for his heart to handle and it gave out. I am feeling guilty for that too but I had to bring him to the vet as he'd had two occasions where he lost his vision and the use of his back legs (due to clotting according to the vet)

I am sorry for the loss of your cat in what sounds like a very similar story. :-(

[MollieMcDoodlesMom]

Dear @My buddy Thomas,

I am so sorry over the loss of your beloved Thomas. I have one senior cat and 2 senior dogs. Anytime a pet is reaching the end stages of their lives, it is painful to see them go thru such difficulties. Again, I’m very sorry that you no longer have Thomas by your side to cuddle up with and enjoy his company. 

This is just my observation and maybe it’s already been mentioned, but CHF in humans can cause the lungs to fill with fluid. That causes a person to breathe heavily and struggle to catch their breath. Also, if the pet is having kidney/liver failure, they might have a seizure. This is happening with our Corgi mix right now. I wonder if Thomas was being affected by either of these as a result of the CHF?

With Respect,

Frances

[My buddy Thomas]

Hi Frances, 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've gotten so much comfort from the kind people on this forum. 

Yes the CHF was causing fluid to back up into Thomas' lungs and abdomen. It's the first thing I spotted a few months ago that led to the diagnosis of CHF - his belly had completely swollen up with fluid and he was breathing very heavily. It's scary when you see your cat having to open their mouth to draw in breath.

The meds he went on had controlled that at first but I think they were stopping working as he was starting to swell again. The vet did say that the body does eventually learn to tolerate these meds and they stop working. So all in all, inside Thomas' body wasnt good, there was a weak inefficient heart and fluid in his lungs and abdomen. The car journey home just proved too much in the end. 

[My Beloved Prince]

I am so sorry for your loss!  Just try to remember all the Joy Thomas brought to your life and you to his.  I lost my Prince three months ago to cancer.  He was 9 years old.  The last few months of his life were horrible.  I felt your pain when you were saying that you felt like it was your fault that Thomas died.  Don't beat yourself up, it wasn't your fault.  You thought you were doing the right thing.  Today was another day that I cried all day missing all the hugs, kisses and purrs that Prince gave me.  He was my best friend.  Like you, all I could do was try to figure out if I had done something differently would he have lived longer.  I feel like I didn't get him all the care and treatment that I should have.  I have had cats my entire life but like you, Prince was special like Thomas.  Hopefully as time goes by the pain will lessen.  I plan on going to the local animal shelter and rescuing another cat as this is where I got Prince.  I miss the purpose and intimacy that having Prince gave me.  I hope your heart feels less pain soon!  Just remember the wonderful 12 years you had with Thomas!  My prayers are with you.

[KayC]

@My Beloved Prince  I am so sorry for your loss too, nine is so young still, very hard.  I hate cancer.  We do our best.  There is no easy way to lose our pets, no matter their age or condition, it's hard to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, it's hard to watch them suffer.  I am watching my cat go through her elder years and this years she's really gone downhill, nothing I can do to stop it, she's 23, the vets won't do anything as they say she wouldn't live through it, so all I can do is love her and try to make her life as good as possible.

[My buddy Thomas]

@My Beloved Prince thank you also for the very kind words and thoughts. Yes we have three other cats here including Thomas' mom and his sister but the bond I had with Thomas was unlike any I've had with a pet before. That bond only got stronger as he got sick. The house feels so empty without him now. 

I'm so sorry about the loss of Prince - we lost a cat to cancer before, it's the most horrible thing. I hope you can find a friend in the animal shelter that can help ease some of your pain. 

[Filly]

I am so sorry for your loss Thomas's Buddy.  I have had cats all of my adult life and have only had one to live longer than 12 years.  With the passing of each one, I have lost a little bit more of my heart and have shed a million tears. You would think that knowing they can't live as long as us would make it a little easier, but it does not.  We know this when we go into this special "relationship," but it never makes it any easier.

Even though you think you took months away from Thomas, it was not your fault.  You were trying to help him by taking him to the vet.  We feel so helpless in that we cannot help our little buddies, so would do anything we can for them in their time of need.

More than one factor probably came into play with Thomas -- whether his little heart just could not handle the stress, the air was not good and cats can have adverse reactions to aspirin.  They are very sensitive little beings.

Most of us who have lost our little furry love will feel like we did something to cause it or at the very least, we did not do enough to save them.  Guilt is one of the stages of grief and try as we might to not think that way, it is often the first thought in our minds.

Did you know that aspirin is toxic to some cats???  I have rarely had a vet tell me to give aspirin, unless the cat is not going to make it.  They have to weigh the consequences against the benefit.

https://www.petmd.com/cat/conditions/digestive/c_ct_aspirin_tox 
 

Symptoms and Types

The progression of symptoms can occur quickly. One of the first noticeable signs is loss of appetite. Other signs include vomiting, diarrhea, and intestinal hemorrhage brought on by ulceration in the stomach and small intestines. The central nervous system may also be affected, causing your cat to have trouble walking, appear weak and uncoordinated, or even collapse. Loss of consciousness and sudden death can also occur.

No matter the cause of his death, you are hurting (as most of here are) and all of us know that pain.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but in the long run the pain was worth all of the good times, the love, the companionship and friendship.  AND when I am ready and finished grieving the little one and my Roo, who died from pancreatitis and failing organs, I will have another friend to join me and my cat, Fae.  I cannot be cat-less as that is not a full life to lead.  
 

[My buddy Thomas]

Thank you Filly for your words, they are much appreciated. We hadn't actually given him any Asprin yet... I decided to drive him home before I went back into town to get some as the car stressed him out so much. So in the end I'll never know what finally caused his death. God I miss him so much. 

I'm currently on my summer holidays from work (high school teacher) so the days are long leaving me too much time to be in my own head - was thinking about doing some volunteer work with the ISPCA, would keep me occupied and I'd be doing something of value. 

[KayC]

@My buddy Thomas  I love that you'd consider volunteeering with ISPCA, such a worthy cause, Lord knows the animals need us!  It does sound like your little buddy's heart just couldn't go longer.  The missing him part is the hardest as it doesn't seem to abate, but rather we have to learn to live with that ache.  Each one I lose is that much more I carry, my heart has to have stretched to hold them all by now.  Wishing you well in your endeavors...

[Jtc]

Hi Thomas' Buddy, did you see the recent sad post by Jylng, her cat died quite suddenly and unexpectedly from congestive heart failure showing that sadly it can happen very quickly through no fault of the animal's owner. 

[My buddy Thomas]

Hi Jtc, 

No I haven't seen it but will have a look now, thank you for letting me know. I'm trying to learn to not blame myself so much each day. Still have bad moments. Had completely closed myself off for a while but trying to get back to some sort of normality. 

[My buddy Thomas]

Hi guys,

Looking for some advice if possible. I'm just back from the vets with Thomas' mum. Her name is Pilchard. She has not seemed well lately and has not been eating alot. This is very unusual for her as she normally has a huge appetite. She still is hungry and cries for food but seems to physically have problems eating. 

So I bring her into the vets and he checks her heart rate. Straight away he says 'I think she's probably in heart failure, her heart is beating very fast, it's two hundred and something times per minute' 

He tried to take blood but she's very fiesty and was very stressed out and wouldn't let him.  

He checked her mouth and said there was no problem there. 

So he prescribes the same medication as Thomas was on for congestive heart failure to try until Friday and his theory is if she improves it's heart failure and the meds are doing their job and she'd have to stay on them for life. 

My problem was how quickly he made the diagnosis and prescribed heart med tablets simply based on a high heart rate. She was extremely stressed and I've read that cats heart rates can be in the 200's when stressed. She also doesn't seem to present with the same symptoms at all as Thomas had and he definitely was in heart failure. 

So I guess I'm just asking have people got experiences with vets making a misdiagnosis? Should I get a second opinion? I wouldn't normally question a vet but I was skeptical about the whole thing. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

As a side, this vet was the last one to see Thomas the day he died.... he didn't even remember me, not to mention Thomas. I had to re-tell him the story of Thomas being there.

[AJWCat]

Oh no, I am so sorry about this.  

I guess I would ask if you have the finances or interest to go get a 2nd opinion? Do you want to take her somewhere else? Also, there are some online vets that will chat with you as well for a small fee. Did he address not eating? That doesn't seem like a heart issue but I don't know. Oh I am of NO help, sorry.

I am sorry the vet didn't remember Thomas. I know they have a lot of animals but it's still rather rude and sad. 

[My buddy Thomas]

AJWCat thank you for the reply. I think I'll sign up to get some advice from an online vet - thank you for the suggestion.

Ideally I would like to have a vet call to the house and examine her here without the condition of stress but I'm not sure that's available here in Ireland, especially as we are out in the countryside. 

I know they see a lot of animals each day but my experience with vets has not been good. I've found the majority of them not particularly caring. I'm sure there are ones out there that would prove me wrong. 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, I would definitely get a second opinion, your questions are valid.  It's hard for me to understand he wouldn't remember Thomas, it hasn't been that long ago, does he really put that many down?  The vet I had for over 30 years knew and remembered all of us and our pets.  I haven't been so lucky with vets since he retired.  They seem to change a lot here.

[AJWCat]

I know @KayC I guess some Dr's (Vets included) don't have that bedside manner. Thomas' Dad - keep us posted what happens this week. Sending healing thoughts across the ocean. 

[My buddy Thomas]

Apolgies for the lack of response here. Just back from having Thomas' mum, Pilchard, put to sleep. She was in fact, in heart failure. From the time of the last post I had written, she had improved and I thought things were ok but then she went downhill again and was going off her food which was totally unusual for her. I had brought her to the vets and we were waiting on blood tests to come back.But by today she had completley stopped eating or drinking and looked very very poor. I brought her back to the vets and she reckoned she was in end stage heart failure and possibly lungs too and said the kindest thing to do would be to put her to sleep. I understand now all of the posts people put up here about what a hard decision that is and what a horrible thing that is to go through. But all I could think back to was the horrible way Thomas died and I couldn't bare the same thing to happen to Pilchard. 

She was a great cat, was mum to many kittens before we got her neutered and lived with us for almost 15 years. She was always the boss and even gave our labrador a smack in the mouth for her troubles if she stepped out of line. I've lost two cats now in 5 months.... it's been a tough time.

Thanks for all of the advice and nice messages from the wonderful people on this forum. 

PS: I changed vets and found a really lovely one. A girl that very clearly loves animals herself and is very professional and compassionate.

 

[My Beloved Prince]

On 6/28/2018 at 8:22 AM, My buddy Thomas said:

Two nights ago I had to bury my pet cat Thomas. I had him for 12 years and despite the phrase 'Dog's are a man's best friend', Thomas was mine, he was everything to me and my whole day was organised around him. Thomas had hyperthyroidism which eventually led to congestive heart failure which is quite common. Congestive heart failure can be managed with medication but cannot be cured and once it is diagnosed, it is only a matter of time. He had good days and bad days but he'd had two episodes where he temporarily lost his vision so I had to arrange to bring him to the vet. I went to put him in his crate but he was putting up a fight as he knew it meant the car and the vets which he hated and got really stressed out. I didn't want to stress him out in any way because of his heart so I put him in a different container. We went to the vets who said the temporary blindness was probably due to clots that were starting to form and prescribed asprin which I think thins the blood. So I put him back in his container and drove home. As I'm driving he always meows as he's scared but I liked to hear it as it meant he was ok. But about 20 metres from my house he hadn't meowed for a minute. I rushed home and pulled him out and he was having some sort of fit. I brought him round and lay him down, it went on for about 10 minutes. I thought he would come out of it but suddenly it was obvious he was struggling to breathe. I had to watch helplessly as he was gasping and gasping for air but couldn't get any. He kept changing directions as if he was trying everything but he couldn't breathe. Eventually he left me and was dead. 

I'm pretty convinced the container I put him in didn't have enough air getting into it and his death was my fault. Thomas was in the end stage of heart failure and hadn't got long left anyway but I think I cut about 2 months off his life and caused him to have the most horrible death imaginable. 

I'm a 33 year old man and I'm complately destroyed. I can't stop crying and I can't sleep and when I do my dreams are re-running what happened. I don't know how I was so stupid not to know that container wouldn't have have enough air. I'm not even sure why I'm writing here except to get it out of my system or even to pass the time as the days and nights now are so long. I've had tons of pets throughout my life but none ever like Thomas. He was so good even after he got sick 3 or so years ago. I've never grieved like this even for a human passing. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't get over that I caused him to die like that.

RIP my buddy :-(

My heart goes out to you!  I feel your pain!  I had to put my cat Prince down 7 months ago and my heart is broken!  I keep asking myself if there was anything I could have done differently to save him.  You beat yourself up!  I keep asking myself if I shouldn't have given him just one more day.  No matter what, you just beat yourself up.  I still cry all the time and wonder how much longer this pain is going to last.  Prince had Lymphoma and I stayed home and cared for him for a year and then things got so bad that I felt I was being cruel to keep him alive for me.  He was the love of my life!  We were soul mate.  I've always had dogs and cats but this one was special!  Reading your story has been very helpful to me as you realize you are not crazy and there are people just like you who are also suffering.  I know that Prince can't be replaced, but I went Humane Society the other day and visited some lovely cats that so desperately are looking for a home.  I am trying to bring myself to adopt one.  I interviewed three vets before I picked one.  My vet is female and very dedicated to animals.  She is warm, caring, and very thorough!  I love her and have confidence in her decisions.  You might want to do the same.  I do the same for my animals as I would do for my children.  Well, going to close for now and want you know that I am thinking of you and your loss and hope that time will lessen the pain for both of us.  I am adopting another kitty tomorrow.  I need another one to love and the cats in the shelter so desperately want to be loved. You should go take a look.  You can never replace Thomas but I am sure Thomas would want you to rescue another kitty who so desperately needs a home.  Do it on his behalf. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of Pilchard, yet another loss in such a short time, so very hard.  I agree with the above post that it might help to have another to love and care for.  It doesn't replace the ones you've lost, but they'll create their own spot in your heart and life.  I meet so many who do not adopt because of the fear of losing again, but I would not want their legacy to be that of fear, but rather of embracing.  I know it's hard, we all know the risk of loving, but to me it's worth the risk to have the love and enjoyment of their personality and being.  Whatever you decide though, so long as you decide what's best for you, my heart goes out to you.  I know right now the pain may be too great to consider.  I'm glad Pilchard got to go peacefully and didn't go through a traumatic end.  You spared Pilchard and that is a great gift to bestow.

[AJWCat]

So sorry to read this about  Thomas' mom - and KayC is right, you did the right thing of course. Glad you found another better vet in the end. Do you have other cats as well?  

[Beatriz]

On 11/26/2018 at 1:26 AM, My buddy Thomas said:

I've lost two cats now in 5 months.... it's been a tough time.

I completely relate and understand what you mean by tough time as within the same timeframe I’ve lost my only and two cats and dearest life companions for 17 and 18 years. I honestly expected to be spared ( how naïve of me) going through such devastation within such a short time and having had no chance of recovering from one loss I was forced to face (up?) to yet another. This chain of events I called evil ( and I thank all of you here who allowed me to do so and yet offered me kind and wise words) and have had a hard time to come to terms with so far. The musician Nick Cave wrote on grief quote It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable. There is a vastness to grief that overwhelms our minuscule selves. Unquote

Minuscule selves, he wrote. I relate. The rest of what he wrote I agree with, having yet failed to fathom the deal’s benign purpose (i.e. should there be one)

My heart goes out to you @My buddy Thomas 

You are not alone is what I mean.