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Scarlet rose

We met as adolescents.  I was probably 13 or 14, him a year younger.  He was the cousin of my best friend at the time. I can remember the first time we all hung out.   It was at Mimmy’s playing basketball, out front in the driveway.  I spent a lot of time with this certain bf at the time at her grandmothers on the weekend and naturally Ian was always there.  Through time we became friends and eventually best buds.  He was the first male best friend I ever had and also crush. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met.  Half the time at Mimmy’s as a 14 year old kid I’d sit on his lap as we all watched tv and just hung out. I was of course super skeptical of this because it didn’t seem appropriate, but always felt natural.  It made me feel safe, content, and happy, and he always welcomed it in a strictly platonic way.  Fast forward a few years, we keep getting it wrong. He lived an hour away and didnt want a long distance relationship, and or was in one and I vice a versa.  So we remained good friends.  Chatting for hours on the phone, and looking forward to our next get togethers.   There’s so many good mermories I can remember.  I admired this young man and adored him to his core.  He was a spectacular human being.  But the best people I’ve ever met have always been damaged.  As happy as he seemed he had his demons.  As a young kid, his older brother/role model, committed suicide.  This devastated his father and so a few years later my Ian found his dad hanging by a noose.  He always hated the thought of suicide.  Despised the notion and thought it cowardly (his words not mine).  So I guess you might be surprised when I say he did just that.  A few days shy of Ian’s 22nd birthday he drove down to Virginia Beach and took his life.  They found him in the water.  A hand gun had been used in the process.  Between 17 and 21 years of age, him and I had a falling out.  He hated the guy I was with, knew he treated me like ****, and refused to be a part of my life until i realized I deserved better. So we stopped talking.  But that did not lesson the blows of his demise.  I remember waking up to a text that read, Ian shot himself in the head last night at Virginia Beach. Imagine that. I hoped that perhaps it was some sick joke, or maybe I was still asleep, but no it was in fact reality.  The craziest part of this all is that the night prior I was at my new job. I had just downloaded the I heart radio app (it plays music). I configured my personal tastes in music and a few songs in this mellow dramatic song comes on, basically talking about how you don’t need to end your life, that it’ll get better.  The lyrics were depressing me, and as I look down to change it, I see that the song is by the band Saosin.  This was one of Ian’s favorite bands so I immediately thought Of him.  My first thoughts were damn i miss the **** out of this kid and need to call him. At this point it’s probably almost 5 pm.  After that I thought, no, he hates me and doesn’t want to talk to me. And at this point I have his number out about to call but decide it’s better I don’t. A few hours later I get a text from my ex best friend saying we need to talk, that she had something she needs to tell me over the phone, which is immediately odd seeing as how we haven’t spoke in years. That night I get home and try to call multiple times with no answer.  And the next day I woke up to that dreadful text.  Guess her number had changed which she had failed to mention.  A few nights ago I had a dream with him.  He was grabbing me by the arms as he looked into my eyes and said I’m not really dead.  To which i replied yes you are, I remember the pain I felt after your suicide.  And then he repeated his self and shortly after I woke up.  This dream has been stirring up things I’d rather forget because the very thought of his absence brings me to tears still after all these years. I’m 29 now.  Ian has been gone almost 5 years.  He was funeral was on the day of his 22nd birthday.  Guess he didn’t want to be forgotten.  If you’ve read this far, thank you. Sorry this isn’t in proper paragraph form. I just had to get it out.  And I’m slightly drunk.  It’s been a rough last few days. 

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Dear Scarlet Rose,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow.

Please know we are here with you.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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