Too Late

[NoID]

I don't really know who to talk too, every time I think I'm feeling better, I just end up crushed again and stay in bed crying. So, I just wanted to know if there was anyone here who lost a partner/someone to suicide and blamed themselves, and how they coped, or if it got better, because right now I feel like I want to give up on everything and join him above.

I lost my boyfriend of 6 years to suicide 5 weeks ago, He was laying dead for 2 weeks before anyone knew. His mother and sister called me to tell me he passed away. It's still a shock to me, he took pills to end it all and I blame myself for all of this. We had an argument weeks before he took his own life, so we were still talking but wern't fully together. The last day he took his life, I told him that I needed to isolate myself and needed space.

His last message to me basically was "Before I go, I was in the same mood as you are now and needed to be alone, you didn't care, you cursed me out and didn't care to try to make us work, maybe give that some thought in the future when you decide to isolate yourself, goodbye". My last reply to him was "We're both Aquarius's, so you should understand my mind".

He read it but never replied, that was the last I heard from him. I messaged him a few days later, and tried to call him but his phone kept going to voicemail and in my mind I just thought he was playing the silent treatment games but he had already died by then. It wasn't until two weeks later that I found out he was already gone. I just keep fighting with myself in my head as to why I said that last comment to him, why didn't I say something different, like "It's okay, you know I care for you and I love you, whatever it is we can get through this" I'm chocked up on tears as I write this. 

I never thought in a million years that he would take his own life; I just wanted some time out to be me, and thought he'd understand that. I always knew he had some problems, he was always over dramatic, unemotional, cold at times, and never expressed his feelings fully over the years. He'd ignore me every time he was upset, or block me, sometimes it lasted for weeks, where I'd be begging him to talk to me and to make sure he was okay... then when he decided to talk again, it was like nothing ever happened. We weren't allowed to talk about the disrespect or all the hurtful things we did, if we tried to talk about it, it would just spiral out of control again, sometimes it felt like a destructive passion relationship (To be honest, I was also immature and childish when it came to him, I had my own problems and couldn't find a way to truly love him the way he needed maybe, even though I never loved anyone more than him and I hope he knows this).

He told me since 2013, and every year onwards randomly here and there that he wanted to end it all, then he'd get therapy and said he was feeling better. I tried to talk to him so many times about his depression or feelings and get him to open up to me, he never truly did.. in the end I was tired, not because of his problems but because of how he acted through his problems and the way it hurt me. I knew he was a good person, great infact on our best days but something was always eating up inside of him and inside it was killing me, I loved him so much. And it kills me every day that he's not here.

Every day I think if only I had made up with him, told him how much I loved him, tried to make it work he would still be here. The saddest part is in the last month before he died, he did try to open up to me, but I was so hurt with anger that I pushed him away, he tried to explain why he was distant but I wasn't listening, he told me he was hurting, and to stay and talk to him but I was stubborn as hell and told him that I was busy and had somewhere to be. He even tried to express his love to me with songs - It's the biggest regret that I live with. His sister found a suicidal letter that he wrote to me in February (2 &1/2 months before he took his own life, so he had been planning this for a while) Inside it, he told me that he loved me so much, that he had anxiety issues and that this wasn't my fault and to go out and live my dreams - but his last real words to me were the angry words in the end (the text messages).

Everything makes sense now, the way he behaved, the things he said in the end, the way he deleted all his social media, it's like on one hand he planned to kill himself but on the other hand if I had told him that I loved him, he might have changed his mind and had a reason to live for. IF ONLY I HAD REASSURED HIM THAT I LOVED HIM...This is what kills me, because in the end I knew that he loved me and he needed to lean on me, he needed me to tell him everything would be okay, and I TRULY LOVED HIM, BUT I WAS SO MAD INSIDE AT HIM FOR EVERYTHING, THAT I COULDN'T FIND A WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF OR BELIEVE HIS WORDS WERE TRUE.

His family have each other to lean on, he was my best friend, my everything, right now I feel I have no one, my world has fallen apart and I feel like I let my best friend/the guy I loved so much down.

It kills me to know that I'll never hear his voice again, I just want to be with him and sometimes I just want to end it all to be with him. Maybe then, he'll forgive me for being so cold towards him in the end. Every time I think of how hurt, lonely or angry he was in those last moments it kills me. I have nightmares every night, I was the last person he spoke to in his last moments, I feel sick inside. Every day I just cry, I want to scream and rip my heart out and give it to him. I look back now and all those petty arguments, mistrust that we had just seem so stupid and was such a waste of time. I don't really know where to go from here now, I still send him text messages and talk to him even though knowing he'll never reply back because he's gone forever. 

I know this is lengthy, but I just felt the need to write everything.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, this is one of the hardest things life can throw at you, it's loss of your partner in one of the hardest ways to deal with.  This site has a section for suicide survivors here: http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/22-suicide-survivors-help-for-people-left-behind/

I do know of someone who has been through this, her name is Marita and she's on my other grief site.  Here is her profile, you can send her a message on it or view her activity and go back to the beginning of her posts when she first began her journey.  http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/profile/18502-widowedbysuicide/

I knew someone else who had gone through it too, her name was Carol Ann at the same site but she hasn't been active on the site in a very long time.

There is also a lot of helps available on the site, I'm sure Marty (counselor and administrator of site) will point you to some.

[LeannC45]

I am so sorry that you are having this experience. I don't know what it feels like to have someone I love take their own lives but I do know loss. My husband passed away right in front of me and at times all I do is blame myself. What if I would have done CPR what if I would have called 911 a little earlier and maybe they would have arrived before his heart stopped beating. What if I would have went to the doctor's with him the day before because I am dramatic and I would have explained his illness better then he did. On and on and on. The truth is people go on a time table that we have nothing to do with. We want so badly, myself included, to find a reason and in trying to find the reason we want to blame anyone or anything. Please don't blame yourself. Loss is complicated and especially when it shows up unexpectedly. I wish you strength and please treat yourself with kindness during your grieving journey.

[NoID]

Thank you Leann and KayC for your kind words, this is the first time that I have lost someone so close to me, it feels like my world has fallen apart and trying to do the little things that I would do before on a daily basis just seem difficult now. I miss him so much, my heart aches. I just wish I could have saved him from the pain and suffering he was feeling. It really breaks my heart, that I am here on this earth living yet he is not, and I don't know how I am supposed to move on. (I don't want to move on without him). I am sorry for your loss also Leann, I don't know if it ever gets easier but I feel the hurt and pain you feel. I feel it tremendously. Thank you KayC, I will contact Marita also. It is much appreciated. 

[Nicash]

Regretful, 

While I don’t know what it is like to lose someone by suicide. I know what it’s like to lose someone to overdose. While I don’t know what it’s like to find my boyfriend 2 weeks later, I know what it feels like to find my boyfriend 2 days later. My relationship with Jake wasn’t tumultuous, but at times we would bicker and argue (because he was high, but I did not realize at the time). My boyfriend also suffered from depression. He had many demons. He was a loving wonderful man but this world was too much for him. I feel regretful too, because I had elected to go away for a week on vacation, and deep down I did not want to leave him. But I did. And I knew the whole time I was there he was off and was not sober. I didn’t know what to do from 7 hours away. I didn’t have the numbers of his family or friends. He wasn’t even living near them. He pleaded for me. He told me he needed me and was dying without me. I came home on a Saturday and he had told me he ended up in the hospital as instructed by his boss, because he had supposedly passed out (so he said) or ODd at work (denied this). I was exhausted from a seven hour drive, and we had already decided not to see each other. I don’t know why I didn’t go see him. The following day he hardly responded to my texts and calls and said he was not feeling well and slept all day. I was angry he was ignoring me and not letting me know he was okay. So I got mad, and told him not to talk to me if he can’t even have the decency to let me know he is okay. And his last texts to me were “ Babe literally was asleep the whole day. But I won't talk too anymore fine but I fucking miss you dude. Sorry I ruined your whole day won't ever happen again seriously. Have a good life. Thanks for being so understanding. Have a good one. That's so shitty of you it's not even funny. Told you I always expected to much.” 

I responded an hour later, awoken from my sleep from a spiritual experience where in my sleep, he was with me, but was ripped away from my arms by some force. I felt it all over my body. 

I had assumed the following day he was just mad at me and ignoring me. I started to really worry the second day. His mom was worried then too, and we both went to his apartment and found him. The coroner said he had died two days earlier. And I know in my heart he died when I felt him in my dream. 

I regret so much. Why didn’t I leave my trip? Why didn’t I see him Saturday? I’m filled with what if’s. People tell me all the time not to blame myself, because he made the choice to use again, but I can’t help but think I could have saved him. So I know that feeling you have. I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I would definitely suggest counseling if you are not already attending, preferably with a grief counselor or someone who understands suicide and mental health and sudden death. You can feel free to message me and chat on here. I’m a year into this grief journey.

[RMN22]

My boyfriend died by suicide (at least, I am assuming so at this point—I will get into that) two days ago. He was the light of my life and I loved him so much. He told me three months ago he was planning to kill himself. He had quit his job, and sold his things. His plan was the end of may, but I convinced him to wait until at least mid-June. 

He lives in Europe, and our main form of communication was online (we had met numerous times, the plan was for me to finish graduate school and then I would move there with him). He told me that if he did not respond after 24 hours, he was gone. It’s been nearly two days. He has cut off everyone else in his life (with the exception of me), so I don’t have any of his contacts. There is no way for me to know for sure, which is it’s own type of Hell. 

I am a therapist. I’m going to school to be a mental health specialist. I work at an inpatient psychiatric unit for suicidal people, this is my life’s work. And I couldn’t even save the love of my life. 

I know your pain, and I am here with you in it. 

[Marcel]

Regretful,
as I see it we only have two choices. We can believe that everything happens randomly. That way there's nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Or we can believe that everything happens for a reason. That way anything that happened just had to happen. Either way, you're not responsible for anything and nothing you would have done would make have made any difference.
Two years ago my wife committed suicide at 45 after a long time fighting her decease. I blamed myself for making things worse, maybe even causing her decease to become so severe. I'll never know what really happened, almost 30 doctors couldn't tell what was happening with her.
But I tend to believe there was a reason for it. I may never know what it was, and I'll never know if there was something I could have done more. Either way, nothing can ease the pain. She's gone and I'm still here. I don't kow why and I don't know what I'm living for now.
But I wouldn't trade the time we had for anything in the world. It made me a better person, even though I'm not well now. What we had can never be taken away from me and all the stupid fights we had are meaningless now.
I hope you'll get through this and you can remember the good times you had with joy someday. I miss my wife like crazy but I know she did what she had to do.
Now I have to figure out what I have to do, not matter how much time it takes.

[NoID]

On 6/15/2018 at 2:58 PM, nicoleashley94 said:

Regretful, 

While I don’t know what it is like to lose someone by suicide. I know what it’s like to lose someone to overdose. While I don’t know what it’s like to find my boyfriend 2 weeks later, I know what it feels like to find my boyfriend 2 days later. My relationship with Jake wasn’t tumultuous, but at times we would bicker and argue (because he was high, but I did not realize at the time). My boyfriend also suffered from depression. He had many demons. He was a loving wonderful man but this world was too much for him. I feel regretful too, because I had elected to go away for a week on vacation, and deep down I did not want to leave him. But I did. And I knew the whole time I was there he was off and was not sober. I didn’t know what to do from 7 hours away. I didn’t have the numbers of his family or friends. He wasn’t even living near them. He pleaded for me. He told me he needed me and was dying without me. I came home on a Saturday and he had told me he ended up in the hospital as instructed by his boss, because he had supposedly passed out (so he said) or ODd at work (denied this). I was exhausted from a seven hour drive, and we had already decided not to see each other. I don’t know why I didn’t go see him. The following day he hardly responded to my texts and calls and said he was not feeling well and slept all day. I was angry he was ignoring me and not letting me know he was okay. So I got mad, and told him not to talk to me if he can’t even have the decency to let me know he is okay. And his last texts to me were “ Babe literally was asleep the whole day. But I won't talk too anymore fine but I fucking miss you dude. Sorry I ruined your whole day won't ever happen again seriously. Have a good life. Thanks for being so understanding. Have a good one. That's so shitty of you it's not even funny. Told you I always expected to much.” 

I responded an hour later, awoken from my sleep from a spiritual experience where in my sleep, he was with me, but was ripped away from my arms by some force. I felt it all over my body. 

I had assumed the following day he was just mad at me and ignoring me. I started to really worry the second day. His mom was worried then too, and we both went to his apartment and found him. The coroner said he had died two days earlier. And I know in my heart he died when I felt him in my dream. 

I regret so much. Why didn’t I leave my trip? Why didn’t I see him Saturday? I’m filled with what if’s. People tell me all the time not to blame myself, because he made the choice to use again, but I can’t help but think I could have saved him. So I know that feeling you have. I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I would definitely suggest counseling if you are not already attending, preferably with a grief counselor or someone who understands suicide and mental health and sudden death. You can feel free to message me and chat on here. I’m a year into this grief journey.

nicoleashley94 I am so sorry for your loss. Your situation sounds very similar to mine, with the upset text messages from him in the end and him saying that he needed you and you feeling like you let him down, so I know how you feel. I miss my boyfriend a lot, and I understand that guilt feeling that takes control over you day in and day out. Today is a month since I found out that my partner passed away, he is all I have known for 6 years. Right now I am trying to be strong, but tonight I may breakdown and feel weak again. Sometimes I think I have tricked myself into numbing the pain so that I don't cry or feel anymore, but when I look at his photos that's when the tears come flooding back, sometimes little thoughts trigger everything off. Sometimes I feel that if I blame myself for all of this, that his family inside must also hate and blame me too. I also had a nightmare of my partner passing away on the 21/4/18, I dreamt he was depressed, sad and lonely (his whole life flashed in front of me)...it was the worst dream that I ever had in my life, I woke up with real tears in my eyes. When I told him of the dream, he just laughed, 12 days later he took his own life. I wish I had followed my intuition on that dream, that something was terribly wrong or that something bad was about to happen. Sometimes, I even wonder if he did all this in the last seconds of his life in anger and spite towards me. - I think a lot these days.

I want to be strong and survive this, because if I don't, I know I will go down the same path that he did, feeling depressed, dark and hopeless. At the same time, I'm trying to force myself into comfort by trying to do the things that he wanted to achieve in this earth life, maybe volunteering within mental health, charities for marathons etc. I also know that you feel that you could have saved him, but this isn't your fault. He chose to use, he suffered from depression and couldn't get it under control and he put everything on you to fix him, but it was not your job to fix him and it wasn't fair on you. When we love someone we often think it is our responsibility as a partner to fix them, we can only guide them not fix them. What's worse is that when someone is unstable in their mind from substances, depression etc they don't often communicate clearly, sometimes it feels like one big mind game and you don't know where you're standing. Sometimes I thought my partner was just saying things just to say it.. I could never have imagined that he would take his own life like this. Like me, you didn't expect this to happen, if you knew this tragedy would happen, you would have reached out and did everything in your power to prevent it, but I'm learning that we're only humans ourselves, sometimes we don't have that power or control. Even if we had saved them on that specific day, their demons and depression inside could have spiraled out of control the next day, or the day after even. 

[NoID]

On 6/15/2018 at 3:25 PM, RMN22 said:

I am a therapist. I’m going to school to be a mental health specialist. I work at an inpatient psychiatric unit for suicidal people, this is my life’s work. And I couldn’t even save the love of my life. 

I know your pain, and I am here with you in it. 

RNN22, thank you for your kind words. I know it is difficult. You were in a long distance relationship; some people can't prevent suicide with someone they live with on a daily basis together for years, yet alone from another country. I know you love him, it doesn't matter where the person may be living, when you love someone you want nothing but good for them and your heart aches when they are hurting in any way or form. "I am a therapist and couldn't even save the love of my life" I have come to learn that sometimes even trained therapists can't save those who are severely depressed or suffer from an illness. Depressed people live in their own dark thoughts, it is an illness that spreads inside, and sadly, it isn't always curable, not even by trained therapists. I don't know if I am the best person to give advice, since I am still coming to terms with my own partners suicide but I am here if you ever need to talk. 

[NoID]

On 6/15/2018 at 10:07 PM, Marcel said:

Regretful,
as I see it we only have two choices. We can believe that everything happens randomly. That way there's nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Or we can believe that everything happens for a reason. That way anything that happened just had to happen. Either way, you're not responsible for anything and nothing you would have done would make have made any difference.
Two years ago my wife committed suicide at 45 after a long time fighting her decease. I blamed myself for making things worse, maybe even causing her decease to become so severe. I'll never know what really happened, almost 30 doctors couldn't tell what was happening with her.
But I tend to believe there was a reason for it. I may never know what it was, and I'll never know if there was something I could have done more. Either way, nothing can ease the pain. She's gone and I'm still here. I don't kow why and I don't know what I'm living for now.

Marcel, I am so sorry for your loss. I am trying to be strong like you want to be a better person from all of this, and realising that I want to help people as much as I can that I have on this short time on earth (which sector, I am not sure.. exactly how, I am not sure either). Today, is exactly 1 month since finding out my partner took his own life. At this point, I think I am just numb, or find being numb the best strategy/solution for me to cope right now. All I have known for the past 6 1/2 years is him, that's been my world. I miss him too, and wish he was still here. In the evenings, I think a lot and question my last actions or the things I said. However, I am trying to be like you and believe that everything happens for a reason, I am not sure what that reason is right now though but in time I hope I can figure it out. Yes, all those stupid fights and arguments feel meaningless and pointless now, it's funny how you only realise it when you lose that person so close to you.

Everything changes and it changes you as a person. I know we think in our minds.. if only we had loved them more, shown them more affection, spent more time with them, would they have been happier? Would it have stopped them from doing this? In reality, I don't think we can ever understand what goes on in someone's mind fully and sometimes we may never find out the answers to why they did this. My partner left a suicide note months before he took his own life - saying it was to do with his anxiety, but he had so much to live for, he was smart, beautiful, had a great sense of humor, he wasn't doing bad at all. But he had depression which he hid extremely well. Some people just can't handle earth life, I just hope his soul is at peace where ever he is now, and your wife's soul also.

I know nothing really ever eases the pain, and you will always miss her. (to me this alone is one of the hardest things someone can ever have to deal with). You say you want to figure out what to do now, perhaps make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in this lifetime or things that might make you happy and try to do them one by one. "I'm not well now" I pray that your health will get better, and that you find some comfort in knowing that there are people out here that know exactly how you are feeling. Although, I am only 1 month into this, I hope I can offer some support back on here. 

[KayC]

On 6/15/2018 at 7:25 AM, RMN22 said:

My boyfriend died by suicide (at least, I am assuming so at this point—I will get into that) two days ago. He was the light of my life and I loved him so much. He told me three months ago he was planning to kill himself. He had quit his job, and sold his things. His plan was the end of may, but I convinced him to wait until at least mid-June. 

He lives in Europe, and our main form of communication was online (we had met numerous times, the plan was for me to finish graduate school and then I would move there with him). He told me that if he did not respond after 24 hours, he was gone. It’s been nearly two days. He has cut off everyone else in his life (with the exception of me), so I don’t have any of his contacts. There is no way for me to know for sure, which is it’s own type of Hell. 

I am a therapist. I’m going to school to be a mental health specialist. I work at an inpatient psychiatric unit for suicidal people, this is my life’s work. And I couldn’t even save the love of my life. 

I know your pain, and I am here with you in it. 

I am so sorry for your loss. You may be a therapist, but the best of us can't stop someone who wants to die.  And that's all the harder if he's halfway around the world.  We can't know why he was estranged from everyone in his family, but this has to be hard for them too...if they know.  We can't assume responsibility for another adult, we can be a support, love them, try to talk sense into them but in the end, their life isn't under our control.  I'm sorry you feel this extra burden, it has to be hard.

Just because you are a therapist doesn't mean you couldn't benefit from a grief counselor yourself.  Knowing with your head and feeling with your heart are two different things.

[AllyPauly]

On ‎6‎/‎13‎/‎2018 at 4:19 PM, Regretful said:

I don't really know who to talk too, every time I think I'm feeling better, I just end up crushed again and stay in bed crying. So, I just wanted to know if there was anyone here who lost a partner/someone to suicide and blamed themselves, and how they coped, or if it got better, because right now I feel like I want to give up on everything and join him above.

I lost my boyfriend of 6 years to suicide 5 weeks ago, He was laying dead for 2 weeks before anyone knew. His mother and sister called me to tell me he passed away. It's still a shock to me, he took pills to end it all and I blame myself for all of this. We had an argument weeks before he took his own life, so we were still talking but wern't fully together. The last day he took his life, I told him that I needed to isolate myself and needed space.

His last message to me basically was "Before I go, I was in the same mood as you are now and needed to be alone, you didn't care, you cursed me out and didn't care to try to make us work, maybe give that some thought in the future when you decide to isolate yourself, goodbye". My last reply to him was "We're both Aquarius's, so you should understand my mind".

He read it but never replied, that was the last I heard from him. I messaged him a few days later, and tried to call him but his phone kept going to voicemail and in my mind I just thought he was playing the silent treatment games but he had already died by then. It wasn't until two weeks later that I found out he was already gone. I just keep fighting with myself in my head as to why I said that last comment to him, why didn't I say something different, like "It's okay, you know I care for you and I love you, whatever it is we can get through this" I'm chocked up on tears as I write this. 

I never thought in a million years that he would take his own life; I just wanted some time out to be me, and thought he'd understand that. I always knew he had some problems, he was always over dramatic, unemotional, cold at times, and never expressed his feelings fully over the years. He'd ignore me every time he was upset, or block me, sometimes it lasted for weeks, where I'd be begging him to talk to me and to make sure he was okay... then when he decided to talk again, it was like nothing ever happened. We weren't allowed to talk about the disrespect or all the hurtful things we did, if we tried to talk about it, it would just spiral out of control again, sometimes it felt like a destructive passion relationship (To be honest, I was also immature and childish when it came to him, I had my own problems and couldn't find a way to truly love him the way he needed maybe, even though I never loved anyone more than him and I hope he knows this).

He told me since 2013, and every year onwards randomly here and there that he wanted to end it all, then he'd get therapy and said he was feeling better. I tried to talk to him so many times about his depression or feelings and get him to open up to me, he never truly did.. in the end I was tired, not because of his problems but because of how he acted through his problems and the way it hurt me. I knew he was a good person, great infact on our best days but something was always eating up inside of him and inside it was killing me, I loved him so much. And it kills me every day that he's not here.

Every day I think if only I had made up with him, told him how much I loved him, tried to make it work he would still be here. The saddest part is in the last month before he died, he did try to open up to me, but I was so hurt with anger that I pushed him away, he tried to explain why he was distant but I wasn't listening, he told me he was hurting, and to stay and talk to him but I was stubborn as hell and told him that I was busy and had somewhere to be. He even tried to express his love to me with songs - It's the biggest regret that I live with. His sister found a suicidal letter that he wrote to me in February (2 &1/2 months before he took his own life, so he had been planning this for a while) Inside it, he told me that he loved me so much, that he had anxiety issues and that this wasn't my fault and to go out and live my dreams - but his last real words to me were the angry words in the end (the text messages).

Everything makes sense now, the way he behaved, the things he said in the end, the way he deleted all his social media, it's like on one hand he planned to kill himself but on the other hand if I had told him that I loved him, he might have changed his mind and had a reason to live for. IF ONLY I HAD REASSURED HIM THAT I LOVED HIM...This is what kills me, because in the end I knew that he loved me and he needed to lean on me, he needed me to tell him everything would be okay, and I TRULY LOVED HIM, BUT I WAS SO MAD INSIDE AT HIM FOR EVERYTHING, THAT I COULDN'T FIND A WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF OR BELIEVE HIS WORDS WERE TRUE.

His family have each other to lean on, he was my best friend, my everything, right now I feel I have no one, my world has fallen apart and I feel like I let my best friend/the guy I loved so much down.

It kills me to know that I'll never hear his voice again, I just want to be with him and sometimes I just want to end it all to be with him. Maybe then, he'll forgive me for being so cold towards him in the end. Every time I think of how hurt, lonely or angry he was in those last moments it kills me. I have nightmares every night, I was the last person he spoke to in his last moments, I feel sick inside. Every day I just cry, I want to scream and rip my heart out and give it to him. I look back now and all those petty arguments, mistrust that we had just seem so stupid and was such a waste of time. I don't really know where to go from here now, I still send him messages on whatsap, and talk to him even though knowing he'll never reply back because he's gone forever. 

I know this is lengthy, but I just felt the need to write everything.

I lost my husband of 4 years to suicide on May 14, I am in so much pain.

He left me notes saying that he loved me and that this wasn't my fault but it doesn't matter the gut wrenching pain is unbearable at times.

I am trying to keep busy at night because when it's time to leave work I get anxiety attacks and I can't breathe.

I wish the pain would stop  -thank god I have three cats to come home too but I miss him so much we had a beautiful relationship - he was my everything.

I will never find anyone like him  - we were connected on some many levels - he always told me he loved me....Why would he do this.

He did have an alcohol problem but he was getting help and had been sober for 20 years.....I cry everyday and can't sleep at night - I need sleeping pills to get sleep - I can't sleep in my bedroom - I sleep on the couch....       

[KayC]

@AllyPauly  I am so sorry.  I still don't sleep in our bed, I sleep in the recliner.  Loss is loss is loss, and it's so danged hard!  Keep coming here, we're listening, we care, we're all doing this together.  Some of it gets easier to a point, some of it doesn't...I find the missing him and loving him continues still.

[NoID]

On 6/18/2018 at 10:21 PM, AllyPauly said:

I lost my husband of 4 years to suicide on May 14, I am in so much pain.

He left me notes saying that he loved me and that this wasn't my fault but it doesn't matter the gut wrenching pain is unbearable at times.

I am trying to keep busy at night because when it's time to leave work I get anxiety attacks and I can't breathe.

I wish the pain would stop  -thank god I have three cats to come home too but I miss him so much we had a beautiful relationship - he was my everything.

I will never find anyone like him  - we were connected on some many levels - he always told me he loved me....Why would he do this.

He did have an alcohol problem but he was getting help and had been sober for 20 years.....I cry everyday and can't sleep at night - I need sleeping pills to get sleep - I can't sleep in my bedroom - I sleep on the couch....       

I feel the same Ally, I miss him so much too, every time I think I am moving a stage forward, I move two stages back. I kept trying to numb the pain and keep busy but the reality I'm facing tonight is that he's really gone... he's really gone. I can't get over it. He was my best friend and we connected on so many levels too, I understood him better than anyone else, so why did I fail him? Everyone says it's not your fault, and even I try to put that in my head at times but the reality was HE NEEDED ME, he needed me and I let him down so much by not understanding what the hell he was talking about or where his mind was at, I didn't get how severe his depression was, he tried to explain it to me, and I was so in my own world of stubbornness from our past argument, that I just didn't talk to him about his feelings, why didn't I just f***** talk to him about how he was feeling. I was selfish, stupid and immature and now I have lost him forever and it was me that he needed and relied on and I let him down. I can't believe he's gone, not one day has gone past where I haven't cried. Sometimes I grab my pillow and cry into it and want to shake my pillow as if it were him and scream WHY WHY WHY, why have you done this? why did you give up on us? why did you leave me? It's like there's a hole in my heart that can't be fixed. I can't even imagine what his mother is going through, she's broken. Why couldn't he have lived for his family (his parents are old, they don't deserve this) if not for me..... WHY. 

I'm also finding it difficult to sleep, and my late partner also had an issue with alcohol on and off. I was thinking of getting a kitten (though it'll never replace him) but I am not sure if I even know how to look after a cat right now, I couldn't even take care of my partner in the end, I don't know what good I'll be to a kitten. 

[KayC]

A kitten is pretty easy to take care of, it might be a good idea for you.  One of the things I list in my "Tips" is to consider a pet.  They give so much and all they require is a little food and some attention!

It wasn't your place to take care of your partner, I know you feel it was, we assume that guilt role when we're grieving.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

@Regretful  This morning I was reading in my other grief forum, when I came upon something from Marita (Widowedbysuicide) and I want to quote it for you because it's so right on!

*found here...http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10849-to-my-children-with-immense-love/?tab=comments#comment-140520

On 6/21/2018 at 12:18 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Dearest Allen,

As I have first hand knowledge of being left alone because of suicide I can tell you that I believe the love your Dad felt for you on any given day in your life was not diminished near his final hours.  His death was not anything to do with you.  He was sick and it was his mental illness.

It is hard to accept that this could be true, but that is what the stigma of suicide does.  It makes us disect everything we thought about that person and ourselves.  A person who is suffering with depression can get to a point where they do not think rationally.  I think once people see suicide and mental health as a possible fatal disease like cancer and death things will be better.  That won't happen for me and probably not so much for my 31 yr old son but I think that it can happen in your children's lifetime.

Sending you and your beautiful Katie sisterly hugs ❤️. I hope my words have a positive effect as that is all I want for you and your family.

[NoID]

On 6/22/2018 at 2:47 PM, KayC said:

@Regretful  This morning I was reading in my other grief forum, when I came upon something from Marita (Widowedbysuicide) and I want to quote it for you because it's so right on!

*found here...http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10849-to-my-children-with-immense-love/?tab=comments#comment-140520

Thank you KayC, I saw this just now. Marita is right about depression, I just wish that I was able to have saved my boyfriend, before he took that last irrational step. He tried to talk to me about it and I just pushed him away. He was begging for me to help him inside, I know he was. He was trying to tell me something but I was so blinded with anger, hurt, trust issues over the years that I didn't believe anything he said anymore. I hate him for what he has done, I hate his last words said to me, and I hate myself. Our relationship was damaged in the end yet I still loved him so much. Even if we wern't together, I'd have wanted him safe, living and breathing, not this.

[KayC]

Please look at your other thread, I've posted a link to a free webinar on understanding why people die from suicide, it's tomorrow morning.