Resenting my mother-in-law following my own mothers death

[Jane92]

It's taken me a while to reach out to people including this online community but I feel enough is enough as I'm genuinely at a loss of what to do. 

I lost my mum two and half years ago to cancer (I was only 23, she 46) and I felt that I was very pro active with my grief - I would be open to friends and family, I would cry when I felt like I needed to, I would talk about my mum all the time, I would visit our favourite places - basically, I felt like I understood my grief and I had hold of it. 

But for some time now, maybe about 2 years, I've been having very negative thoughts about my mother-in-law. She is a very quiet, lovely, kind gentle women who has never given me any reason to dislike her. However, since losing my mum. I think I hate her. She irritates me, angers me, frustrates me. the slightest thing she does really annoys me. When she calls, I get mad at my partner, which I know is ridiculous. She has given us so much, including money, emotional support and kindness, but I'm just at a loss for words because I know what i'm feeling is not ok and it is not healthy. 

Last night it came to a head after an argument with my partner over my mother-in-law. I lashed out and my justification was literally ' you're too close, you need to be your own person, she's got nothing interesting to say anyway so why do you speak to her all the time?' - I mean, I was horrible. And the worst thing is, I knew what I was saying was not ok but I couldn't help but feel those feelings. I've internally battled with this for a long time now.. and i've never really known why. I've just known it's wrong that I feel this. But last night I think it just clicked, I think that i'm angry and resentful. She gets to live while my mum doesn't. She is the complete opposite to my mum. My mum was out going, sociable, glamorous, enjoyed holidays, parties, was out all the time while my mother -in-law doesn't do any of that. she stays home all the time (we think she may have anxiety and depression) and does the same thing every single week - which annoys me (I know, it makes no sense why it would annoy me) - I feel she needs to make the  most of her life, and she doesn't. She just sits at home, all day long every day. then rings my partner to say what she had for lunch and what the neighbours get up to. I just want to shake her and my partner and be like 'do something with yourself. stop taking life for granted' 

I think the bottom line is that i'm jealous. extremely jealous. I feel she isn't like my mum as my mum lived life to the full and she is wasting her life.. and why does she get to be here and my mum isn't. As you can probably tell, I am extremely at a loss of what to do. I hate that it's causing arguments with the person I love the most in the world, who has supported me and stood by me through losing my mum. 

Will these feelings go away? Are they 'normal'? and have others felt this way? 

[sadandlost]

Dear Jane,

 I’m sorry for your loss.  I know very well the pain of loosing a mum.  As I began to read your post it was clear to me from the beginning what you arrived at towards the end.  You’re angry and resentful mainly that she is here and your mum is not.  I think it’s completely normal and part of the long unending grief process.  I have a friend who used to be close to their mum but the past few years they’ve had a very difficult relationship.  Sometimes she is very mean to her mum.  I want to say, one day she’ll be gone and you’ll have so many regrets.  Sometimes I’m jealous of friends that still have their mums.  So I understand your feelings very well and i think you yourself understand your feelings.  I think it’s something you just have to work through.  It could also be low level depression.  Either way I do think these are normal emotions.  Personally when I know I feel a certain way and it might be irrational, I try not to act on it.  I have those irrational emotions but I try not to enflict them on the person it’s directed at.  Perhaps you could try that?  So sorry for your loss.

[MissesB]

Has your relationship with your mother-in-Law improved? I fear that I am going to have similar issues. My Dad passed away a few weeks ago so I have not seen my father-in-Law yet, but I can already feel the jealousy and resentment. Even before my Dad passed when his health was poor and I knew he didn’t have a lot of time left, I already started to have these negative feelings. Do you have any tips for dealing with this?

[Ravens2631]

I relate so much to this post. Ever since my dad died I feel like I have  resentment towards my boyfriend’s dad. Every time he calls him to ask a question about home repair or just to talk I’m filled with jealously and resentment.

My boyfriends dad is the best, he’s always willing to help and I always thought he would get along with my dad really well. But I just can’t get over the fact that he’s here and my dad isn’t. And that my boyfriend is able to call his dad and I’m not.

I even catch myself thinking thoughts like, “my dad is way cooler,” or “I would rather be hanging out with my dad now”.

It’s awful. I feel for you.