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Renee_

Lost a dear friend. Can't move on

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Renee_

 

I lost a dear friend to suicide two years ago in April 2016. I have experienced a lot of toxic and complex grief due to this. I have felt partially responsible due to the complicated situation of our friendship in the last year or so of his life. I also feel that my grief is threatening my current relationship as I am drawn to acting out and strongly drawn to seeking solace through other men. While I haven't acted on my impulses I am concerned about the strength of them.

 
As well as loving each other dearly platonically, my friend and I were always quite sweet on each other but we hadn't gotten together due to me being in a relationship and then me being overseas. Every time I came back to my home country we would spend lots of time together and eventually our friendship turned romantic. The last time I was back home we fell head over heels in love and spent a wonderfully special time together, which I will always treasure. I needed to go back to where I was living abroad (on the complete opposite side of the world) to finish off a few things that I'd been working towards. He wanted me to stay but I was fearful of giving up everything I'd been working towards, especially in case it didn't work out between us as I knew that he was experiencing some pretty tough stuff on the mental health front. I told him that I would be back permanently within a couple of years (and back for holidays in the meantime) and we would be together then. We didn't want to do long distance for such a long time and it hurt to miss him when I was so far away so while we kept in touch we also moved on and saw other people. 
 
A few months after I last saw him I reconnected with the man I was with when me and my friend originally got to know each other. Unexpectedly, we got back together after 8 years apart. I had been through a series of disappointments and his love felt safe to me at a time when I had the sense of being very alone. I was torn and felt sick thinking of my dear friend and what I had promised. At the same time, being in my early thirties I felt the need to be responsible in choosing a partner who I could have children with. I knew sadly that my dear friend was not well enough to raise children with, and he was on the sickness benefit so would not be able to support me if we ever wanted to have children. It sounds calculating but it was more instinctive. I felt the imperatives of my biological clock and knew the risks of being with my friend who I also loved. 
 
I never told him about the new relationship but I believe he found out by accident on facebook. I kick myself for this. Some months later I learned, also via facebook (which was a hideous way to find out), that I had lost him forever - he had taken his own life. I know that I can't be held responsible for his choice to end his life but I feel that I should have handled the situation better and maybe that would have changed the outcome, even to delay it for a while. I miss him every day and I mourn the loss of someone who I feel knew me, and 'saw' me, better than anyone else in my life including my family and even my current partner. He was the family I chose, and his friendship representing a 'coming home' for me after the trauma of a dysfunctional family in which my emotional needs were rarely met. So much of my self-concept was bound up in his eyes and in our friendship. I'm struggling to adjust to knowing he won't be around for the rest of my life as I had expected. I thought I had all the time in the world and now he is just gone.
 
My grief was complicated even further by a spiritual healer/seer, a family friend, who told me that my friend had made contact with her. The first few times she told me that he loved me very much, that he doesn't want me to be sad and that he is going to be okay. This made me happy although it couldn't take away the pain of knowing he isn't here physically anymore. Later on however she let me know that he actually believes (or believed) that I could have saved him. That our love was everything to him and if I had come back and been around it would have made the difference. This knowledge sits lead a leaden lump in my tummy everytime I think of it. She said that he didn't want her to tell me that but she did it anyway. Looking back now this seems to explain why all my lights kept blowing out in my house in the first few days and weeks after he died. I thought it was him saying hello but apparently he was angry with me. 
 
I could write so much more and I plan to which is why I joined this group. That is my introduction anyway. Thank you for reading.
 

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