Feeling really alone and struggling

[TRMsmom]

I'm new here and glad I found this site. My 40-year-old son hung himself on July 30, 2017. He was found the next day when his neighbour (and close friend) called police to conduct a welfare check on him. 

I was in shock for so long, but a dear friend of mine got me connected with a local grief counselling service. I started seeing a counsellor within the first couple of months and did one-on-one counselling, then moved into a great support group and even signed up for a restorative yoga class for people experiencing grief. I made it through the secondary loss of people I thought were friends with the help of my counsellor, I made it through Remembrance Day (my son was ex-military and a veteran of two NATO tours to Bosnia) with the support of his army buddies, I made it through Christmas in the company of my daughter and her husband, I made it through his birthday with the support of my daughter, my group and my counsellor. But now I'm struggling in ways I never anticipated. 

Group has been over for a while, so has yoga and then, on Friday, I had a message on my phone from my counsellor saying she was leaving the agency. I've been feeling pretty yucky since spring finally arrived (it was such a long, cold winter I was beginning to think it would never end). And now that summer is here, I just feel like it's a long run-up to the end of July, and I just cry all the time and now I don't really have anyone to talk to in the way I could with my counsellor or the people in my group. 

I have a few wonderful friends who've stuck with me, but I keep it reigned in even with them. When I let them see my grief it just makes them so uncomfortable and I don't want to risk losing them as well. Just writing this has already helped a bit. I just need a place where I can say what I feel to people who understand. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear TRM’s Mom, 

My heart goes out to you. To lose your son is a heartbreak no Mom should have to feel. I have experienced the loss two of my brothers and see how my parents have struggled, seemingly started doing ok little by little and then up and down the roller coaster of grief takes all of us and our personal grief. My dad holds it in his chest and still to this day bursts into tears when I say their names or share about them. My mom has worked on transforming her loss through sharing, writing, daily readers and other grief work. But for all of us, it’s something we carry everyday. It doesn’t go away, but you learn how to self soothe and cope and the grief changes. I think it’s amazing all of the steps you’ve taken to take care of yourself, connect and receive support. I know your son would want that for you. I’m his age. He sounds like he was a brave and courageous soul who protected our freedom and other people’s lives through being in the military.

I’ve wished counseling for my parents and grief groups, but they’ve only been to a couple. I’ve done it for myself (counseling and groups). I’ve had the same counselor ever since my first brother passed from cancer and then my next brother passed in November 2017 from an overdose and I found him (which has caused a lot of trauma). Now I’m cross country taking care of my mom who is in critical condition and without support or my counselor and just wanted to say that, what you wrote, about what your feeling regarding your process of not being able to talk in the same manor as you did with the counselor or group resonates with me. I also feel that at this point of stacked losses in my life of siblings and three friends since November (so close to each other) that although friends want to understand or help...they are uncomfortable, or it brings their fears to the surface that they start thinking maybe it will happen to them, or the information is just too much for them emotionally. And that’s ok. I wouldn’t want them to know what it feels like to have traumatic loss. It’s lonely for those of us who have gone through the hardship though.

I think we are in the right place on here for sharing and I hope you’ll continue to do so. I also hope you’ll get connected with another counselor one on one. That’s my next step to be able to have support (here back east) while going through this heartbrake of my mom’s condition. Lastly, I wanted to tell you that to prepare for the anniversary of my first brothers death, I came up with a plan before hand. I was glad that I did because when I woke up that day...I felt so heavy and didn’t want to get out of bed. Since I gave myself the day of off of work the first year and told myself for weeks I was going to honor him and feel my feelings, ugly or peaceful...I made myself get out of that bed and forge ahead. I bought 33 balloons because that is how old he was and I went to his favorite place, sat down wrote out a card, cried, prayed and released them. Everyone that I came in contact with that day, I wished peace and blessings for without telling them, I just put out that vibe to give and receive love. Do something kind without telling anyone. Every year after that, I have gone to his favorite pier and gone fishing on the anniversary because he loved it. It’s how I honor him and now that’s what my mom and Dad do with me too. I think it takes a little of the anxiety of the anniversary approaching to take control a little of how you can transform those inevitable emotions and express your love. Do something he would have loved or that you did together. You will hurt and you will cry, but that release is a blessing because it’s about all the years you had together, how you are connected forever and how deeply you love him.

 Sending so much love to you,

Nicole

[Tommy's mum]

trmsmom the grip grief has on your life is far reaching and strong. Losing a child/adult child is the hardest wound for a parent to bear I would not wish that pain on anyone. People do fall by the wayside as time goes on because they believe you have "got over it" when the truth is you never get over it you just make your way through not showing the world the agony inside. July will always be a difficult month for you. I understand . My son Tommy was killed in August 2015 his birthday is also in August so that month for me is always very hard full of emotions and reflections and sadness. I hope you find another counsellor who you connect with talking therapy is so helpful helping make a little sense of what happened and exploring your reaction to things etc. We all meet on Loss of an adult child by Mom of Justin it is the thread at the top of the page with the most views. Just post there and we will find you. It keeps us bereaved parents all in one place ensuring no one gets overlooked and is a very valuable resource of understanding and support. We have all survived the loss of a child/children so totally get it in the way others cannot. Here we can talk and express ourselves without censoring to save other people's feelings and just share about our child when even that makes others uncomfortable. Please join us and tell us more about your son. Take care