I don’t know what to do from here

[Twingoats]

As of Thursday night or possibly very early Friday morning, I got a call from our store manager and he delivered the worst possible news. My best friend has recently passed away. It was a shock and it wasn’t at the same time. Him and I were so close (or so I thought), we almost ended up dating. I didn’t follow through because my intuition knew better and thought drugs might come back into the picture. I had known of the drugs that he had done in the past, but I had no ide that he was actively using meth and xanax. He started talking to an old girlfriend and began using heroine. 

The only thing I was able to pick up on, is him having enough energy to work 12 hours and keep going. He would sometimes still be up after work and sometimes going out late, only to continue the next day. I thought he was just crazy, but his appetite doesn’t support how long he would be up. To my knowledge, it was never for days but the times at work I wouldn’t really hear from him. He would text me mid afternoon and say he just woke up, I would text back and sometimes wouldn’t hear from him till the next day or way later in the night. He was known for sleeping so easily and for such long periods of time. I chalked it up to working crazy hours. I sleep a lot when I’m over worked or depressed, but it was never continuous like that. Then he always sounded congested, I have asked a few times if he was sick and he said no. I know some people who naturally sound like that and have nose issues. No, he would snort his drugs and that’s why he always sounded sick, plus he was a heavy cigarette smoker. He would tell me how he’s going to quit and attempted to by smoking through a vape or whatever those things are called. He had lost and broken so many of those, so I didn’t think he would of stopped any time soon. 

Other than a congested nose, weird sleeping patterns, he had an off personality.  I thought he was just a quirky guy and that’s all I knew so I didn’t know what was out of the ordinary. Yet some days he was unable to follow with a conversation and would think I’m talking about something else, when I’m not. I knew of drug use in his past and assumed he just had a bad short memory. Sometimes I would look at him for a little longer than usual, he would perk up and say what. Looking back at it now, he definitely had to of been on meth. He gave me the look like, I’m nervous that you might know something but I’ve done this enough times to know how to hide it (mind you, this is all at work). His face would sort of twitch and he looked nervous. I know he liked me and I assumed he came off nervous because of his feelings for me.

I didn’t find out he was actively using until his best friend at work told me. His mom sad he had A LOT of drugs in his room. He lied to me and he hid it so damn well! The above are the only symptoms that I got. He wasn’t delirious, slurring his words, sleeping while standing (did fall asleep while sitting straight up, but who hasn’t), or acting agitated. His personality was always warm and he had a big heart and was very caring. I don’t wanna put this out there, but I have to.. he was self conscious about his teeth. One of them started to rot or it was like turning black. I guess that’s another sign that he was a user, no normal person has that, but again it was nothing crazy so I thought it was malnutrition or had a medical explanation not related to drugs. He always kept with his appearance and smellsd good. He was a high functioning addict.

He said he had a calcium deficiency which could be true, but he said that that was the reason why his hands were shaking. Again I believed him. No! That was him withdrawing, but it didn’t seem like it because his personality was still upbeat. He said he took medication for it and I assumed that when he stopped shaking it was he was being “a good boy”. He didn’t tell me the truth, in fear of something, well he really didn’t want anyone knowing about this. Besides his two closest best friends at work, no one else knew. We were close but I would always call him sketchy because he wasn’t open about his life and the reason he didn’t say things was because he didn’t want to bore me with meaningless details. I still didn’t buy it! Drugs weren’t on my mind. I thought he was going out and hanging around girls or just one girl. He would get really mad at that and when I did decide to ask questions, he wouldn’t really answer them. In the moment I wouldn’t of known, but talking to friends and family, they filled in the gaps for me and it all makes sense. I fell for an addict. I wonder if I had finally said we could be together, if he would of stopped or at least told me. Another part of me thinks this isn’t real and right now he is in rehab, if word got out he would lose his job and maybe death sits well than people knowing the truth. That’s more than likely wishful thinking, but it got me excited. He definitely is know for being manipulative to get a reaction out of me. This whole situation is poisonous and why would I want to be with someone like that? Like him, I have a big heart and sometimes get involved with the wrong people.. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear Twingoats,

I feel for you, your loss, the confusion, the trying to process the rushing in of emotions, questions and so much more. I have felt it with my siblings death. He died from a toxic mix of fentanyl and heroin. We didn’t know he had moved on from pills to injections. He kept a job, was loving, charismatic and seemed so good at times. He fought like hell to change, but because his brain chemistry changed from all that stuff and he wouldn’t receive help from professionals beyond the detox stage...he wasn’t able to gain tools to stay clean. I think the night it happened he had been clean for a couple of weeks, got some anxiety, took a Xanax, gabapentin and some other relaxers and when he couldn’t stop the heroin craving, he rushed out and bought some laced with fentanyl and that was it. He was gone! He wouldn’t have knowingly purposefully taken something with fentanyl (knowing how dangerous it is). That stuff is in everything now and users do not have a chance of survival. All it takes is one time. It was a shock, it is painful and I struggle with the loss. We were two years apart and were so close. As for the questions you have about could things have changed if you said more or did something different...that may always be there. I feel the same way. It wasn’t until months after last November and me getting help and reminding myself over and over that; I will never know. Overdose could have happened years ago, two years from now, or never...but the only person who had control in changing the outcome was him. For me to live life, I have to feel my feelings of course to move through them, but after a set amount of time (I gave myself an amount I felt appropriate for me and you can choose yours) that I have to drop that burden off at the curb. Otherwise, it will permeate everything in my life and he wouldn’t want that for me. I don’t want that for me. I’m young and have a life to live. I honor him by surviving and doing my best to thrive. I’m wearing his sweatshirt right now too to feel closer to him. Also, by taking it easy on myself with taking time to grieve, through writing, sharing, going over with others a bunch of times how I don’t understand why or how it happened...until I eventually accept that it did. Still working on all of that.

Someone said to me that “You May experience wishful thinking”. That’s that feeling that you have of thinking maybe he’s away or at rehab. I experience that too. I have wanted to call my brother countless times, have had to stop myself from asking family members if they’ve heard from him lately and thinking he walk through the door. Even though logically I know he’s gone...my heart is having trouble accepting it. It’s a protective mechanism of denial that the brain uses to protect us from feeling EVERYTHING all at once. I mean, I know he’s gone. I’m the one who found him and made all the arrangements. Bottom line is, it’s devastating to lose someone you love so much and I’m sorry your experiencing it too. It sounds like you have some good, understanding people around you. You are taking the right steps by writing your thoughts out. Maybe you can also attend a grief group, naranon meeting, NA meeting, or see a professional one on one. Grief counselors are amazing and I find I’m so much lighter when I walk out of my session. Too, it puts less pressure on us in regard to friendships, because I get to talk with my counselor and we rewire those thoughts and stop the circling ones. It gives me support and enables me to truly be with my friends and not constantly

Blessing to you. We are here and we care.

Nicole