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I can’t get over my cat’s death


HelloKitty716

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HelloKitty716

I’m 18 and had my cat (Hello Kitty) since I was 1 years old. I watched her grow form a small skinny kitten to a loving chubby senior cat. On May 10th I put her down as she was suffering from cancer and the vet said there wasn’t much that could be down after a month of fighting. I remember crying very loud when they injected the last dose that would put her to sleep. I cried so hard as I clutched her dead body and cuddled it. My mother kept telling me there was too many people in the waiting room and for me to hurry up. We buried her under a big tree and I remember talking to her and stroking the ground where she laid under. I laid down and spooned around her dead body that was underground and cried so hard. My dad literally had to pull me up because I kept clutching the grass and crying hysterically. It hurt me that much. Today, after burying her and saying my goodbyes I can hardly sleep at night. I’ve cried this entire week and feel so empty. I remember coming home from school the day after putting her down and immediately going to my room ready to cuddle with her before remembering she was dead. Everyday I would usually go to my room and check in on her and take a nap next to her since she was usually sitting on my bed. Before that she’d even be waiting for me at the door as soon as she heard me coming up the stairs. I’m a mess. Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night searching my bed for her before remembering she is really gone. I haven’t been able to focus on my school work at all and break down into random sobs when the thought of her crosses my mind. I had her for my whole life literally as long as I can remember (I’m 18 she was 17). I imagined myself going to college and coming home to her and her always being with me. I always thought she’d be one of those cats that live to their 20’s as she was always a fighter. I cry so hard at the fact that I’ll never get to stroke her fur again in my life, or cuddle my neck into hers, or kiss her behind her ears, or hear her quiet purrs. It’s literally destroying me. Although I don’t go to church I have very strong beliefs in God and it scares me that the Bible doesn’t mention anything about pets goin to heaven. I even read somewhere that animals “perish to dust” after their deaths and don’t go anywhere since “there’s no roles for animals in heaven” as silly as it sounds this honestly scares the **** out of me since the only thing making me feel better is the constant “your cat is in a better place.” I really hope she is because she has to be and I hope that I see her again in the afterlife. Now when I think of her I not only feel sad but I feel a wave of anxiety hit me as I wonder if she really is in a better place and if I did make the right call. People roll their eyes and laugh when you cry and grieve over a pet but in all honesty my cat was my best friend. After long days on school she would be the first thing I would think about when walking up the stairs to my apartment and I’d go straight to her and pet her and touch her. I’d stay up late petting her till she fell asleep and would always cuddle her  until she started purring. I loved her meow and just wish I could see her one more time. I really can’t get over her, doesn’t help that I literally can’t remember living without her since I was fucking 1.  I lost my best friend and my only child.

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Hello Kitty was so cute and sweet! She loved you so much. What a wonderful life she had with you. I am so so sorry for your loss. 

I know how you feel, unfortunately a lot of people don't understand the very special bond you had with Hello Kitty. We do here.

I've had three cats in my life, I lost the first two both to cancer, after owning them their whole lives and my third guy I had for 10 years (we adopted him when he was 5.) It is very hard when they go. You don't realize it once they are physically gone how tough it is. You think you will be prepared and it is worse. Everything you are describing I have been through.

Try to be patient with yourself, it takes time to grieve. I was a total zombie the first couple of weeks. I barely ate the first couple of days. I was so heartbroken. I wish there is something I could say to ease the pain. There is really no way around the loss, you just take it day by day. And cry. But... I promise you that slowly, the pain you feel will turn into all the many wonderful memories you have of Hello Kitty.  

I personally absolutely believe our pets are in a better place, but her spirit is near you. She is now happy and pain free.  

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8 hours ago, HelloKitty716 said:

I even read somewhere that animals “perish to dust” after their deaths and don’t go anywhere since “there’s no roles for animals in heaven”

You may have read this someplace but it wasn't in the Bible, it's just someone else's opinion so I hope you'll let go of that for what it's worth!  There's a lot the Bible doesn't tell us, but a lot it does.  It DOES say there are animals in heaven (the lion shall lay down with the lamb) and being logical, I can't imagine God having some random lion and lamb there and not my Fluffy, Taffy, Brandy, Teddy, Lucky, King George, Autumn, Midnight, Chappy, etc.!  I'm 65 and have lost a lot of pets in my life, I can't imagine life without animals!  My King George (I married George when I already had my cat George so the cat was dubbed King George to differentiate) lived to 19 and also died of cancer.  I did not want him to suffer another day needlessly when I found out it was cancer and he wasn't going to get well.  I adored that cat, he was one of my favorites I've had over my lifetime.

Grief is all encompassing, it seems the greater the love, the harder our grief hits us.  It is important to know, though, that there is life after loss and to give ourselves permission to smile when it happens and not feel guilty that we continue to live in their absence...it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love and that continues still.  The bond you have with your cat continues still, and even though our bodies die (and return to dust as you said), that is just our bodies that we know from day one will wear out eventually, but our spirits continue and we will be together again, so hold onto that hope, it's all that gets us through.  And if anyone tries to tell you different, don't argue, you won't likely change their minds that are set in stone, but smile and them while inwardly knowing different...you WILL be with Hello Kitty again!  BTW, I love her name.  I have a cat, Kitty, who is 23, and a large dog, Arlie, who is ten and I know neither has a lot of time left and I will be facing this once again.  I don't know how I'll do it, but I lost my husband nearly 13 years ago and if I can make it through that, I know I can make it through anything.  Sometimes life has it's really hard places, but our bodies are amazing at survival even when we don't see how it's possible.  

I have learned to look for good in each day.  I started practicing that, I think it's an art, actually, when I lost my husband.  Some days it was a real stretch to find anything good, something so small as a rainbow, getting to see a deer, my sister calling me, a stranger letting me merge in traffic, nothing counted too small.  You see, it is in embracing life that we find our way, whatever there is, not fighting it...it took me this painful journey to learn that.  Grief evolves, it does not stay in the same intensity, that is good to know, because I honestly don't think we could handle this intense pain forever!  I couldn't anyway.  

As AJWCat said, in the beginning is so much pain, but eventually the pain diminishes and we are left with the good memories.  

We are here for you, we hear you, we care.  And yes, Hello Kitty is in a better place.  God is not stupid, why would He waste the most wonderful cat He created!!  Smile for me, you've gotta know that.  ;)

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HelloKitty716
7 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Hello Kitty was so cute and sweet! She loved you so much. What a wonderful life she had with you. I am so so sorry for your loss. 

I know how you feel, unfortunately a lot of people don't understand the very special bond you had with Hello Kitty. We do here.

I've had three cats in my life, I lost the first two both to cancer, after owning them their whole lives and my third guy I had for 10 years (we adopted him when he was 5.) It is very hard when they go. You don't realize it once they are physically gone how tough it is. You think you will be prepared and it is worse. Everything you are describing I have been through.

Try to be patient with yourself, it takes time to grieve. I was a total zombie the first couple of weeks. I barely ate the first couple of days. I was so heartbroken. I wish there is something I could say to ease the pain. There is really no way around the loss, you just take it day by day. And cry. But... I promise you that slowly, the pain you feel will turn into all the many wonderful memories you have of Hello Kitty.  

I personally absolutely believe our pets are in a better place, but her spirit is near you. She is now happy and pain free.  

Thank you so much for responding <3 it’s crazy how most people who lost their pets on here has lost them to cancer; never thought it was that common. Sorry you had to lose your fur babies to cancer too and you’re right in that I could not have  prepare for it. I lost my dog due to old age two years ago and when I realized my cat was getting old I purposely stayed up late just petting and looking at her because I remembered how much I regretted not spending that much time with my dog and I remember telling myself I’d spend so much time with her that I won’t feel the same way but truth is you can spend every minute with someone you love but when they’re gone it’ll always feel it was never enough. 

 

Thank you for saying you’ve been through the same I honestly feel like everyone was starting to see me as pathetic for taking it so hard but I really loved Hello Kitty. I feel guilty to admit it but I feel embarrassed when I keep bringing it up to my friends because I fear they’ll think I’m being too attached to what they think of as just a pet but hello kitty was like a child to me. 

 

I hope you’re doing well with your losses as well and that your furry friends are in a better place too <3

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HelloKitty716
5 hours ago, KayC said:

God is not stupid, why would He waste the most wonderful cat He created!!  Smile for me, you've gotta know that.  ;)

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond <3 this site has already helped me so much and I’m happy to be surrounded by people who are going through the same but also sad that we all are. You’re right I didn’t get that from the Bible I just could never find any scriptures that talked about animals in heaven and tried searching it up online. I never really thought of it that way but the way you said how God wouldn’t waste a beautiful creature he created really touched me <3 you’re absoutely right and I’m sure my cat did go to a better place and I do hope I do meet her again in the afterlife. I’m sorry for the loss of all your fur babies including King George and your husband. Life is filled with so much pain sometimes but I promise I’ll  take your advice and try to look for the little things that make me happy :) I’m very thankful to have people like you looking out for me and helping me through this <3 

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Everything you are feeling is normal and I completely understand. I lost my Julius almost one week ago today. Just like your Hello Kitty, Julius was diagnosed with cancer. They found a large tumour on his pancreas which was inoperable due to his age and how advanced the tumour was. He also had end stage kidney disease.

I had him for almost 18 years. And about 3 and a half years ago he was diagnosed with diabetes so I had to give him insulin injections twice a day. My whole world revolved around him and making sure he had his insulin and I always put his needs before mine.

Just like you, I would come home excited to see him. I would excuse myself from places because I would rather be home with him then where ever I might have been at the time.

They become such a comfort to us, they are always there for us, they don't judge us, they give us unconditional love, so when we lose them it makes it almost unbearable.

I truly believe there is more when we pass away for both people and pets. We can't just die and that's it. My father has also passed away and I constantly feel his presence around me. And just last night I could swear I felt Julius my cat scratching at my bed covers like he use to do to climb under the sheets. I even said out loud 'Julius stop that'. They are still with us, maybe not in the same form, but I think they are still around.

I also have found that crying helps me. I am crying a lot and I believe it is helping with the healing... find a quiet place and cry as much as you can.

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On 5/16/2018 at 3:34 PM, HelloKitty716 said:

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond <3 this site has already helped me so much and I’m happy to be surrounded by people who are going through the same but also sad that we all are. You’re right I didn’t get that from the Bible I just could never find any scriptures that talked about animals in heaven and tried searching it up online. I never really thought of it that way but the way you said how God wouldn’t waste a beautiful creature he created really touched me <3 you’re absoutely right and I’m sure my cat did go to a better place and I do hope I do meet her again in the afterlife. I’m sorry for the loss of all your fur babies including King George and your husband. Life is filled with so much pain sometimes but I promise I’ll  take your advice and try to look for the little things that make me happy :) I’m very thankful to have people like you looking out for me and helping me through this <3 

Again, I am new and not sure I am using this site correctly.  I just know Heaven is perfect and it would not be Heaven without my Saturn.  There is a wonderful episode of the old Twilight Zone where this old fellow is walking with his dog down a dirt road trying to find the gate to Heaven.  All these devious, elegant traps are set for him, but he figures them all out to be fakes. In the end, it turns out to be the simplest, plainest gate and the only one where his dog is welcome too.  That's how he knew it was the right gate.

 

 

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I lost mine a day ago.  I did not know the window screen was broken and she slipped out.  I feel so guilty because I am the one that opened the window.  Coyotes got her.  I looked all day to try and at least bring her home,  but never found her.  She was my 11 year old son's best friend.  I keep expecting to see her jump up on his bed to sleep with him,  Every time I think about her out there alone when it happenes I lose it.  I know what your going through.

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Winter Wolf

I’m aware that it’s 2 maybe 3 years later, but I completely understand how you feel. I was 4 years old when I got my cat, Sara. She was a total scaredy cat, always running away from anything new and very needy. But in spite of that, she also was a very loving and funny kitty. She’d use my books as pillows, always begging for food and attention, eats with her left paw, and always wanting to simply be with me. And she never changed in the 18 years of her life. She had a lot of health issues simply due to her very old age, which included heart murmur, breathing difficulties, liver issues, eating and drinking less, gone mildly senile, so basically she was falling apart. For the longest time, I thought she’d be one of those cats who would live up to 20 sadly I was wrong. When the day came for me and my family to put her down, we all surrounded her, petting her and letting her know she was loved. I even made sure I was the last person she sees. It felt like losing a sister or a best friend, knowing I literally grew up with her. After she fell asleep, I wrapped her in her favorite towel/blanket and buried her my mother’s garden. It has a maple tree sapling over her with red, pink, and purple flowers around, and surrounded by a nice align of rocks. I still feel a little empty/sad cause I don’t have a pet to come home to, but I make myself feel better by remembering that she had a great life and knowing she was very much loved.
 

I even have a photo slide frame with all the good pics my family and I took, which makes me feel like she’s still with me and happy.

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@Winter Wolf  That is beautiful...I got to pick out a puppy when I was five and he lived to 15 but my parents had him put to sleep w/o telling me beforehand so I never got to say goodbye, he could have lived longer, I would have taken him in if only they'd have discussed it with me.  He was old but didn't have any affliction, now there's a law against that, thankfully.  Literally these are some of the closest relationships we can have.  Thank you for sharing.  You don't say how long it's been but I hope this brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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I lost my feline soulmate majik 8 weeks ago. He was my world he was 15 and a half, he was ill he was always a healthy cat then I noticed that he was losing weight and took him to the vets he had fluid on the lungs and heart failure, I tried so many drugs to get him better but four days later I knew he had enough. He looked at me and I knew, so I helped him cross over to rainbow bridge. I remember hearing someone frantically saying no then I knew it was me. I held him for ages in the vets kissed him all over his paws his ears his eyes even his mouth he was my son. I loved him like no other in the world he was always there my shadow. Now I just cry all the time I have his ashes with me that I sleep with. I have not felt pain like this since my Nan passed. My life is over and my family don’t understand they think I should move on and stop crying but I can’t. I say sorry to him that I couldn’t help him he was so robbed of life he had no malice in him at all. I pray that he will wait for me and I will see him again I am also so sorry I couldn’t save him I tried I have no much guilt. I had the pleasure of nearly 16 years of unconditional love from my baby. Rest in peace my son. I know how all you lovely people feel and you are not alone. 

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I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world to make that decision and even harder it seems to live without them.  Kitty was 25 when I had her put to sleep, I didn't acquire her until she was 12, although I knew her since she was 10.

It helps to write about them, immortalizing them in a way, and it feels cathartic when people acknowledge it, but even if they don't, it helps to express it all the same.
These are mine:

I hope this brings you some comfort as we hope and wait for that time we'll be with them again, never to part:

 

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spiritflare

I am so sorry for your loss.  I myself lost my cat jasper of 17yrs last week.  I am so heartbroken and torn because he was literally my only true love and best friend. This cat was a sweet, gentle kind cat..which makes the loss so much harder. I know I will grieve for him more than I would for a human family member.  After 17yrs of coming home to him, him getting me through tough times in my life, and being there always when I  was lonely and sad.. last week I truly felt like being with him wherever he is now .   I did read a book called biblical proof animals go to heaven by Stephen Woodward. It’s comforting but I know for the rest of my days a piece of my soul is torn and I’ll never be the same person again. 

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I am very sorry for your loss, it's among the top two things I've been through, loss of my sweet husband and loss of my soulmate in a dog, Arlie.  I lost 25 year old Kitty just 4 1/2 months later, I honestly thought she'd live forever and it hit me hard.  I've lost 24 dogs and cats in my life, it does not get easier, I swear it gets harder, I've been alone with mine for 16+ years, they are wonderful companions, to me, better than people, loyal, attentive, loving.

Along with the book you mention, here is another: https://www.amazon.com/Will-See-Our-Pets-Heaven/dp/1478716975/ref=pd_lpo_1?pd_rd_i=1478716975&psc=1
I hope this brings you some comfort to think upon:

 

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Hi @spiritflare I am sorry for your loss of Jasper. I know the feeling of losing a part of yourself. I always said losing my cat felt like my heart was literally, and I mean literally, breaking in half. I hope you are doing okay.

My heart has healed but there will always be a crack. Nothing prepares you for not having them with you. I have since adopted another sweet kitty who is funny and the sweetest cat. Still, she'll never take his place.   

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Of course you do. Is that his picture on your profile? What a face. My guy had a pink nose too. 

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foreverhis
On 5/15/2018 at 10:49 PM, HelloKitty716 said:

On May 10th I put her down as she was suffering from cancer and the vet said there wasn’t much that could be down after a month of fighting.

I understand this pain all too well.  It was many years ago, but our best cat Penny was diagnosed with cancer at age 17.  My husband and I had to make the horrible decision to let her go peacefully.  I think somehow she knew and so the afternoon before we were to take her to our caring vet, she took her last breath in her human daddy's arms.  (She loved me very much, but she was definitely a daddy's girl, just like our daughter.)  The heartbreak was almost too much too bear.

Hello Kitty looks very much like my first cat Lightning.  I want to mention something that I read earlier this year.  A woman was writing about losing a beloved dog and said she doesn't like the term "putting them down," but instead tries very hard to think of it as "lifting them up" out of their pain and suffering, and into the next world where they will wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge.  That really stuck with me because it is very much like that, I think.  They deserve nothing less than our best for them, always for them.  So even though we know the heartache will never fully go away, we do what is best for the souls we love so much and that have given us unconditional love in return.

 

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This means so much, reading this knowing others feel the same way i do. From the Netherlands so my English is not the best, sorry. Got my best friend from a shelter 11 years ago, at that time they told me he was 10 years old. The moment i saw him at the shelter i knew we belonged. I took him home and since that day he was my best friend, my shadow, my playpal my everything. He was litteraly my child. 2 months ago everything changed for the worst, had all the exams done, was at the vet every week. Cost more than 1200 $. Didn’t care wanted him to get better. Then end result, he was suffering. Did what i had to do. Burried him in the most Beautiful place. It’s bin 2 months, i cant go on, miss him so much. Looking at old pictures of me, there he is always in the background. He followed me around everywhere. I know life goes on, its bin 2 months but it doesn’t get any better. I feel so lost

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Rachel, I am so sorry for your loss, my Kitty lived 25 1/2 years, oldest cat I ever had, met her at 10, acquired her as mine at 12, promised her a forever home as she'd been abandoned so many times, she was healthy until...she wasn't, kidneys & liver shut down so had to put her to sleep.  She had Thyroid issues treatable but the other was not.  She is buried in my backyard next to Arlie (my dog companion), so hard.  

The absence of our daily interactions and routine just seems to accentuate our loss, it's been almost two years now she's been gone, I still hear (and see her in my mind's eye) begging for easy cheese...actually more like demanding.  ;)  I miss her.

This is for you:

 

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Yeah, she was addicted to it all the years I had her, I bought it just for her, I didn't eat it and rarely gave the dog some.  It must not have hurt her, she lived longer than any animal I ever had!  She'd work me, when I was on the phone, she'd sit on the stepstool and paw at the cupboard and demand it loudly in kind of a yowl!  I couldn't carry on a conversation with her being so loud so would hurry and get her some to shut her up!  

I hear you about how these things trigger us....so hard to not have them anymore.  I should have buried her with a can of it.

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