My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’ll never be ok

[KayC]

@Lanisha  I am so sorry for your loss.  I know diabetes well, it contributed to my husband's death, then I became diabetic too, everyone in my family is.  I've made it a part of my life cause this year to learn everything I can about it and am a moderator for a diabetic group.  I wish I'd know way back when, what I know now, maybe my George would still be alive.  I've finally gotten my diabetes under control, my BMI & blood tests all healthy for the first time.  

Welcome and I am so glad you found us!  Although we all wish we had no cause to be here.  This is that "safe place" where everyone "gets it" and has experienced this in their own unique way.

I wish I had a step by step plan for you to recover from this, but it's been the hardest journey of my life.  It took me years to process George's death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  And then Covid came and I felt back to ground one.  I know our survival instinct is amazing, even when we don't know/feel like it.  I don't know if you read this or not yet but in case you haven't, I hope you'll save it as this is an ever-evolving journey and something that doesn't strike a chord with you right now my later on.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Venezia]

My boyfriend just passed and my life will never be the same. Reading this has helped me see that I am not alone. I will miss him for the rest of my life, he is my Soulmate. I have to keep living on for him.

[KayC]

@Venezia, I am so sorry that one more person is going through this, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through, bar none.  I hope you will read and keep my tips article, if it doesn't speak to you now, it may later on as our journey is one of evolution.

I hope you will continue to come here and read/post and that knowing what you are going through is shared by many will bring you come comfort and peace, just knowing you are not alone in itt.

[Sparky1]

Venezia, I'm sorry for your loss as well. This is a tough journey for us that have lost a partner. Our lives have changed and we try to make sense of this as best we can. Coming here and reading the posts will bring you some comfort.

[Amy kularski]

My mom feels like this everyday she is so unhappy and sad. She keeps asking me if he is OK in heaven and If he truly loved her as she doesn't feel any signs of his love for her any longer. She is holding onto things like stars now appearing above her house as a way of feeling him near. I told her I totally believe it could be him shining bright from above. Everyday she wants to express her pain about losing him 2 months ago now and how she can't wait to go to heaven and be with him even though she still has a whole family that loves her. She doesn't want to take her life or anything but keeps expressing wanting answers about heaven; like what he may be doing, has he forgotten her, I explained how my church says she will be reunited with him again. But it's not enough nothing I try to day is enough anymore and every conversation from morning to night is about this man. She doesn't enjoy eating her favorite meals anymore, she doesn't want to leave her home, she hates her job now. Like I get it this was her only true love the man that treated her as a princess and cared for her after a 26 year marriage of physical and mental abuse. I told her God allowed for her to finally experience love. She says why did God take him then does God hate her or was he unhappy that she was finally happy. I respond with no it was heart disease that was unknown that took him. If anyone has any advice please share.

[KayC]

@Amy kularski  I'm sorry for you and your mom's loss.  Two months out is still very fresh/raw.  The intensity of pain will eventually lessen but it's been almost 16 years for me and I can honestly say there's not a day gone by but what he's been uppermost in my thoughts and heart.  I was in a loveless (controlling) marriage for 23 years before my George and we only got 6 1/2 years to know each other, he was a great stepdad to my children, the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend!  I hope you will read this link and share the "Tips" with your mom, she'd be welcome here.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Mina93]

On 5/26/2018 at 6:31 PM, Jackiag862 said:

This is just torture. I just think about him every second of the day. About everything we wanted to do and everything he loved. I can’t stop thinking about what I could’ve done to stop this or change it. Why was he taken away from me? Why is this world so brutal? I miss him so much it feels like my heart is dying over and over again. I would give anything to smell his skin or laugh with him or put my head on his shoulder. He has three kids too and they’re left without him now also. We literally were so sarcastic and bitter and we never felt about anyone the way we did about each other and could not believe how in love we were. He was only 40, he had so much he wanted to do. I can’t handle this pain, it’s excruciating. It’s not fair. My baby is gone and I can’t fathom it or wrap my head around it. I try to distract myself and do some normal things but then I just collapse from crying. It’s like living in a nightmare I can’t shake. 

Hey , so sorry for your loss. 
I just discovered this website and thread and everything that you said I am feeling right now . 
Reading your posts , really took the words out of my mouth. 
my boyfriend passed two months ago and it feels like it happened yesterday. 
we were both involved in this accident but I survived and he didn’t ! 
I just don’t understand why I am still here and he isn’t . He was a far better person than me . It hurts so bad. 

I see your post is from 3 years ago , did the pain become any more manageable? 

 

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Mina93 said:

I see your post is from 3 years ago , did the pain become any more manageable? 

In order to reach original poster, who has not been here since 9/2/18, you can message them by clicking on their profile and then click "message" next to envelope icon, and you can fill it out and send it to them.  They will receive an email with it IF they have their notifications set up that way.

[Cindyd]

I'm sorry. I wished I had something to say to help..im at the same place.

For the first time in my life I'm really wondering if I should be here it if I have a place. When I mention him  I already use remember when some happy moment..cause no one wants to talk about him. I want to cause only his death hurts. I love every minute good and bad of our life and his. I want to hear their stories. 

 

If people knew what and how much I think and feel they'd definitely think I'm crazy. Some pretend friend and my husbands family told me I was crazy and using my husband as a crutch. It's only been 16 weeks. She saw me crying and driving to the store and she asked what's wrong but it's a long story..

 

But they don't know cause I haven't been open to them  and now I'll never open up again. I don't kill myself because of what it would do to my kids. That's sad that that's the only thing stopping me but it's something. My head knows better but my heart hurts and is doing all the talking. I read a funny quote today please heart stay out of this your only function is to pump blood. I know it'll get better but I'm crushed and don't know how long I can take this..

[SunnyDay]

It's been 1 year and a month since my partner took his life after we had a fight. After finding him in our bedroom I had under 2 weeks to make huge decisions. Such ad staying in that state and downsizing to a smaller apartment or moving. so I moved back home 15 hrs away. I'm still not doing okay with this at all.  I gave up on life and in return gave up our whole life...our apartment, my cat died, and I gave my dog to a relative. I feel he was my personAve after losing him life just doesn't make sense. I have no clue how to handle this, but I'm no where near handling it. Everythings a distraction, im always in a daze, except for those quiet moments where my world falls apart. I'm so lost... 

[KayC]

@SunnyDay  I am so sorry you've been through all that in this last year.  I truly hope you've gotten some therapy and seen a doctor, sometimes we need help and if this isn't one of those times, I don't know what is.  You are not alone here, there are others here who've lost their partner to suicide, it's hard enough losing them, but throw in that and it adds a whole other layer to deal with.  Add moving, losing your animals...wow, I'm just so sorry.

It can take much time to process all this, and it is the hardest journey I've ever been on, for sure.  Keep coming here, reading/posting, you're part of this grief family now and we want to be here for you.  We may not be able to change your circumstances but perhaps knowing you're not alone in this will help you a bit?

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[MaRo22]

My boyfriend passed away 2 weeks ago at the age of 22 unexpectedly and I am so broken up about it. We spent every day together all day. His mom said he planned on proposing to me and he was looking for rings. Now all I can think of is everything we won’t be able to do. I see everyone else my age and they’re with their boyfriends or husbands and we’re at the age that everyone’s having kids and it breaks my heart to even see that because I wanted that with my boyfriend and now he’s gone. I miss him so much and don’t know how to live without him. We did literally everything together. I know I’m only 22 and people keep telling me “you’re still young you’ll move on” but I don’t want to. He was everything I’ve ever wanted in a person and everyone would be compared to him. I just want to be with him. Life is just dull now and I feel like there’s no point to anything anymore because everything I did was to be with him.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, MaRo22 said:

My boyfriend passed away 2 weeks ago at the age of 22 unexpectedly and I am so broken up about it. We spent every day together all day. His mom said he planned on proposing to me and he was looking for rings. Now all I can think of is everything we won’t be able to do. I see everyone else my age and they’re with their boyfriends or husbands and we’re at the age that everyone’s having kids and it breaks my heart to even see that because I wanted that with my boyfriend and now he’s gone. I miss him so much and don’t know how to live without him. We did literally everything together. I know I’m only 22 and people keep telling me “you’re still young you’ll move on” but I don’t want to. He was everything I’ve ever wanted in a person and everyone would be compared to him. I just want to be with him. Life is just dull now and I feel like there’s no point to anything anymore because everything I did was to be with him.

I am so sorry for your loss, way too young and nothing fair about any of this.  I understand your feelings, I think I'd want to wear a gold band signifying your relationship with him, no one can take that away, it's yours to feel how you do.  No one tells us what to do with all our feelings and dreams now, this was ripped from us.  I hope you'll print/save the "Tips" article I posted before yours, it's for you too, when you're ready.

[SkyAzhie96]

Hi everyone so as of Wednesday it’ll be 2 weeks now that I lost the love of my life in a tragic car accident. I came home from work Thursday night sept 16 to find out he was gone. I received a FaceTime from him and didn’t get to answer and I felt so guilty. He took a trip to California and was ecstatic to go, he wanted me to go with him but I didn’t go and I regret my decision every second I continue to live. We talked about our future and things we would do later on. We had so many plans to fulfill. I never pictured my future with anyone else. He was my everything. I’m still in utter shock and denial. The funeral was Thursday and I stood at the grave and I still don’t believe this is real. It’s like a reoccurring nightmare. I see his pictures and it feels like he’s still alive but I have to remind myself he’s gone because I’m still in denial. 

[KayC]

You've pretty much described the way each of us felt as we lost our spouse/BF/partner.  Shock.  Denial.  Horror.  Disbelief.  Guilt/regret.  All in early grief.  I am so sorry that you also are going through this.  Those of us who survived their loss are left suffering, trying to figure out how to do this.  It's now been 16 years for me, I've learned how to carry my grief, be alone, but always, ALWAYS, I miss him.

We want to welcome you here, and hope you will continue to come here and read/post.  It helps us process our grief.

Grief Process
I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Life is hell 42]

On 5/26/2018 at 11:31 PM, Jackiag862 said:

This is just torture. I just think about him every second of the day. About everything we wanted to do and everything he loved. I can’t stop thinking about what I could’ve done to stop this or change it. Why was he taken away from me? Why is this world so brutal? I miss him so much it feels like my heart is dying over and over again. I would give anything to smell his skin or laugh with him or put my head on his shoulder. He has three kids too and they’re left without him now also. We literally were so sarcastic and bitter and we never felt about anyone the way we did about each other and could not believe how in love we were. He was only 40, he had so much he wanted to do. I can’t handle this pain, it’s excruciating. It’s not fair. My baby is gone and I can’t fathom it or wrap my head around it. I try to distract myself and do some normal things but then I just collapse from crying. It’s like living in a nightmare I can’t shake. 

 

On 5/14/2018 at 11:35 PM, Jackiag862 said:

My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. He is the love of my life and we were obsessed with each other. I just can’t wrap my head around not being able to talk to him or touch him. I keep thinking he’s gonna come back or that someone made a mistake. I feel like I can’t get through this and that life is pointless now. Why would this happen. All I can think about is him and his face and him hugging me and our future. My heart is completely destroyed I feel like half of me is dead. I miss him so much and I’m scared that I’m gonna be this way forever. 

 

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss, it is excruciating, very hard in the beginning and early days/years.  It will gradually become something we carry inside of us although the time frame is different for all of us, took me a good three years to process my grief, just to start with.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

OP, I hope that you're doing okay.   Love and hugs, Ronni

[lovelyhibiscus725]

It hurts so bad.. every single day. I'm 33 and I lost my soulmate june 9th 2023.. he was the only person I've ever truly unconditionally loved.i watched him die and it seems so surreal. I am angry and sad and just overwhelmed. 

[KayC]

@lovelyhibiscus725 I am so sorry.  It hurts like hell, I know.  If you feel like telling us what happened, we're here, listening.  Of course you feel overwhelmed.  I want to welcome you here and others will be along as they get up.

Do you have any support, family or friends?  

I hope you'll continue to come here to ead and post.  It helps just to know there are others that have been through it and care.

I want to share this with you, something you can keep and reference because this is an ever evolving journey and what strikes you at one time...it may be different on down the road.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[7779311]

On 2/3/2024 at 8:27 PM, lovelyhibiscus725 said:

It hurts so bad.. every single day. I'm 33 and I lost my soulmate june 9th 2023.. he was the only person I've ever truly unconditionally loved.i watched him die and it seems so surreal. I am angry and sad and just overwhelmed. 

I understand what that's like. I'm sorry that you experienced it, too, because there is no forgetting, yet remembering is so difficult. I hope you have support.