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My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’ll never be ok


Jackiag862

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Jackiag862

My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. He is the love of my life and we were obsessed with each other. I just can’t wrap my head around not being able to talk to him or touch him. I keep thinking he’s gonna come back or that someone made a mistake. I feel like I can’t get through this and that life is pointless now. Why would this happen. All I can think about is him and his face and him hugging me and our future. My heart is completely destroyed I feel like half of me is dead. I miss him so much and I’m scared that I’m gonna be this way forever. 

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Lisaislost

I’m so sorry for your loss. I was were you are 6 months ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. The only advise i can give you is to take it a minute at a time. This forum helped me so much. I would come here at night when i couldn’t sleep and write or read about someone else’s journey. 

We are all here for each other and are part of this club. Our lives have changed forever. I hope you keep checking in. 

You're in my prayers! 

 

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Jackiag862

Thank you so much, i really appreciate it. I am going to need all the help I can get. How are you doing now that it’s been 6 months? Is it just a tiny bit less painful every day? I just have to tell myself over and over in my head that I’ll be with him again.

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Lisaislost

I still miss my husband everyday. I still mourn the future i lost too! We have 2 children so they’ve become my focus. I also work which has been a blessing. The crying has lessened. I joined a spouse support group that ran for 8 weeks. It was very helpful. My group (8 of us) still meet to check in. We have a nice bond. I also have a strong faith in God and i read scripture daily.  I don’t know when it happened but 1 day i woke up and noticed the sun shining and the birds singing. The fog lifted slowly. Everyone is different. 

There are people here who have been on this journey longer than i and I’m sure they will check in. 

Take care! 

 

 

 

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt the same way when it first happened. It’s been a year and some days for me since my boyfriend died. The emotions, thoughts, and feelings change day by day week by week. I personally never know what to expect. Some days I’m happy most days I’m unhappy. I have felt every emotion on the spectrum. And right now, I feel depressed and very very numb. 

But one thing I am grateful for is not living in that constant state of agony when my boyfriend first died. Good news is it definitely does get easier. When ? It’s different for each person. Just remember that difficult times result in remarkable strength, if you choose. 

 

Nicole 

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I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend.  I felt the same way as you when my husband died.  It was an unexpected sudden death and I was shocked beyond belief.  I did not see how I could live without him a week, let alone the rest of my life.  I wrote this based on what I've learned in my 12 year journey since (it's been nearly 13 years now), I hope it will be of some help to you.  It's good to print out and look at every couple of months or so because you won't be able to take it all in at once and our journey really does evolve as to what we are going through.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Jackiag862

Thank you so much. It’s so painful I hate being awake. I’m numb sometimes and then I just have a complete breakdown. I miss him so much. I don’t think I’ll ever not have this giant hole in my heart. I know it’s not true but there’s a part of me that feels like I should always be in this much pain if he’s not here. I blame myself for so much and keep thinking of a million things I could’ve done. Life just seems like bullshit now. 

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I totally get it. My boyfriend died 8 weeks ago. I have been there with the sleepless nights, and the days you want to just sleep all day. The minute when you open your eyes and remember your new reality and just wish you could be in a permanent state of sleep. Feeling like life is meaningless now that you don't have him by your side every day and all of the plans that you had suddenly aren't going to happen. I hated getting on facebook and seeing all the happy couples. I had the blame too and all of the regret. I seriously thought of just ending the pain, but I realized I couldn't do that to my family. I am the type of person that needed to know what to expect. Exactly how long would I feel like this? When will it get better? And no one would give me a timeline, which frustrated me, but now I get it. Everyone is different! But I can tell you that even in the 8 weeks since this has happened, my grief has changed.

I felt just like you at the very beginning. In my experience, I went from not being able to get out of bed to being able to go through the motions. I'm not happy, but there are times that I'm not crying, which I consider progress. I sleep better now. I have gone from having bad days everyday, to most days bad, to some days bad, and now it's not even the whole day. I have a rough hour or two, but then I get to a point where I'm ok. Yes, I still have bad days but no, I don't feel as hopeless all the time. I feel like every week I grieve something else. If your relationship was anything like ours, he was probably a lot of different people in your life. Boyfriend, best friend, travel buddy, chef, companion, the list goes on and on. I have had to grieve each loss. But one piece of advice that I learned was to allow yourself to feel the grief. It sounds and feels awful at the time but if you don't allow yourself to feel it, it will bubble up and come out in some form, at some time. Its inevitable. So feel it now. Allow yourself to lay in bed, eat junk, look at his pictures, listen to your song, let yourself feel it. Don't bottle it up. 

What makes me feel better is to think of him. What would he have been doing if the roles were reversed and I had been the one to go? How would he have handled it? And most importantly, if you were the one that was gone, what would you want for him? To be sad? He loved you and he would not blame you or be mad at you or anything besides miss you and feel so awful that he left you feeling this way. 

I know how awful the last 2 months have been for me and its awful to know that another person is going through this nightmare too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it's also nice to know that you're not alone. People have made it through these types of things before and they will after us too. And we will get through it. Time will help. And it sucks but this is the worst part. It will get easier. 

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Jackiag862

I’m so sorry. I can’t believe how horrible this is. Everything we planned to do, everything we talked about. We were so in love even after 3 years I got butterflies when I saw him. He’s my best friend and made me a better person. I go back and forth between having complete breakdowns to being numb and like a zombie. It definitely is helpful to hear from people that have gone through this even though I wish a million times over this never happened to me or anybody. Everything makes me feel guilty like eating, showering, trying to laugh. I feel so guilty during the times I’m numb. Honestly he would handle it so much worse than me. He would go insane. But I know he’d want me to be happy again. There’s just a huge hole in my heart. The service hasn’t even happened yet so that’s gonna be incredibly painful. Didn’t you feel like you didn’t deserve to feel better ever without him? I know it’s not true at all, but right now it feels that way. 

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Sunflower2
14 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

I’m so sorry. I can’t believe how horrible this is. Everything we planned to do, everything we talked about. We were so in love even after 3 years I got butterflies when I saw him. He’s my best friend and made me a better person. I go back and forth between having complete breakdowns to being numb and like a zombie. It definitely is helpful to hear from people that have gone through this even though I wish a million times over this never happened to me or anybody. Everything makes me feel guilty like eating, showering, trying to laugh. I feel so guilty during the times I’m numb. Honestly he would handle it so much worse than me. He would go insane. But I know he’d want me to be happy again. There’s just a huge hole in my heart. The service hasn’t even happened yet so that’s gonna be incredibly painful. Didn’t you feel like you didn’t deserve to feel better ever without him? I know it’s not true at all, but right now it feels that way. 

I promise it does get lighter....follow these posts...reach out.  it is a horrific gut wrenching grief journey. Reach out and be open to feel the pain as excruciating as it is.  None of us wanted to be in this place yet here we are.  begin to take in and understand what works best for you.  xo   My thoughts are deeply with you.  

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Having a giant hole in our heart is a good way to describe it.  But we learn to coexist with our grief, we learn to live with this ache.  it's never like it was before, but we continue with our lives knowing our love still exists, perhaps even greater because to live in faith is to grow and stretch our love.  In the beginning I wanted to die, did not see how I could possibly live without him, but here I am nearly 13 years later and I know the moment I get to be with him and he holds me in his arms, it will be worth everything and all of this hard place and time will be gone, all that will matter is getting to be together again, never again to part!

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Jackiag862

@KayC that’s exactly what I have to tell myself all day is that I’m going to be with him again and that’s all that keeps me going

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Jackiag862

I feel like I’m having a complete nervous breakdown and I don’t know what I’m gonna do. He’s the love of my life I like can’t comprehend that he’s not here. I just am tortured thinking about him constantly, his face, his body, his laugh, everything he’s ever said and everything we’ve ever talked about and the last couple days together just keep repeating over and over and over in my head. I can’t believe this is happening I don’t know what to do without him. I feel like I’m in hell. 

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Lisaislost

It is hell! Our private little nightmare. I’m so sorry. Hang in there, it will slowly get better. We have all felt like we were crazy at one time or another. Many from my grief group got on anxiety medicine after their spouse died. Talk to your doctor. I found meditation helped me. Whatever can get you through. And every night when you put your head on the pillow, give yourself a pat on the back for making it another day.

Sending prayers ! 

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Jacking862,

I am so sorry for your loss.  The first month for me was a complete blur.  The months that followed weren’t much better to be honest.  I don’t think I got a little better every day, but I also don’t remember just suddenly jumping forward.  What I do remember and still have to do is to take my time with each moment.  Maybe that is how it has changed.  I don’t think the pain has lessened so much as my tolerance for it has increased, and my awareness that my partner would want me to live well, for myself and for her, has become more apparent to me.

For the first few weeks I was in absolute shock, Both figuratively and literally.  You have an overload of emotions right now, and rightfully so.  Time will passs and you will learn to deal with them slowly.  For now just take care of the basics.  Drink as often as you can.  Eat whatever you can, there will likely be a lot of people bringing you food.  Eating makes them feel like they are helping, and it gives you energy to make it through another day.  Sleep when you can.  I’ve been on both sides of that one.  There have been days where it almost took a tractor and chain to drag me out of bed, but there are also still weeks where I wake up in the middle of the night and stare at the ceiling.

Do what you can to help yourself with the little things.  Take one moment at a time and realize that nothing can or will ever change the love that you feel.  The nature of it is different now, but the core of it is, and always will be just as true as it always was.  I try to start every day by telling my wife I love her, and that I know she loves me.  It isn’t the same as hearing her say it, but that doesn’t make it any less true.  Hoping you find whatever peace and comfort you can,

Herc

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@Jackiag862  Your loss just happened.  This is a long journey with no expiration date, try to be patient with yourself and very understanding of what you are going through.  Right now it is very intense, please believe me when I tell you that will lessen eventually into something you can more easily tolerate.  I can't imagine it getting worse than it was in the beginning.  I've heard some say year 2 is worse than year 1 but I think that's because they expected it to be over or at least a whole lot better...I tell them to remember how it was at the beginning...when they first got the news, how hard it was to even think!  Eating was out, friends disappeared for many of us, going back to work we found we made mistakes we never had before, our focus was gone.  I felt personally that my brain was never the same again, like it had been through brain trauma...I reckon it had.  Nothing is worse than those early days/weeks/months!  Little by little though, we begin to adjust to our life as it now is, and the pain begins to lessen.  Eventually, it takes time, much time, but eventually the good memories begin to come in place of the pain and bring us comfort.  Print out the tips I gave you and read them every few months.  See if anything applies.  They won't all at first, some won't even register, but eventually they will.  That's why it's best used as a reference to look upon and see if there's anything that pops out at you at the moment that applies.  Right now you're in the not wanting to live stage.  Read what I wrote about that.  Oh God I've been there.  I'm still on that journey, it doesn't end...but it does evolve.  Give it time and do what you can along the way.

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Sunflower2

as I look back to the day of the loss and the days, weeks and months following the sudden loss I don't know how I survived.  We do survive.  It is a horrific place to be.  It is hell.  it gets lighter. even with it lighter grief returns in waves and those waves will be intense.  over the weekend someone mentioned "it sounds like you are having fun."  it wasn't fun as I once experienced fun but I realized for that moment the pain was lighter.  My response was "yes, but different."

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Jackiag862

I hope the pain does lessen over time. Right now I’m just in the place where I don’t want the pain to lessen or time to go on I just want him back. It’s so unfair and confusing and I don’t know what purpose I’ll ever have now. He was my whole life and i loved literally every single thing about him. Yesterday was the service and by the end of it and being with everyone it was actually feeling a little bit ok. But then I woke up this morning and am just insanely depressed and can’t stop crying and miss him so bad and our future we can’t have so bad. It’s like being in hell. 

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It's an emotional rollercoaster with the beginning being mostly down.  I'm glad you made it through the service.  George's service was really good except for my mom (she's kind of hard to explain, won't even try), that seems like a million years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was clearly in shock back then.  Hang in there, Jackiag862.

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On 5/14/2018 at 3:35 PM, Jackiag862 said:

My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. He is the love of my life and we were obsessed with each other. I just can’t wrap my head around not being able to talk to him or touch him. I keep thinking he’s gonna come back or that someone made a mistake. I feel like I can’t get through this and that life is pointless now. Why would this happen. All I can think about is him and his face and him hugging me and our future. My heart is completely destroyed I feel like half of me is dead. I miss him so much and I’m scared that I’m gonna be this way forever. 

I'm so sorry.  Yes, a feels like our heart is in a million shattered pieces.  I always felt that when my wife passed, a piece of me died too.   There is no solution to the loss.  We have to experience and go through the grief.  I know during my early months, I kept questioning myself if this is real.   I was in a cloud, I didn't know if it was reality.   After some months, things finally sank in and I then I truly realized what my new life is.  The grief is a very evolving process and your feelings with change in directions and intensity quite often.   Do you have family near by that can spend some time with you?   Do you work?  If so, consider going back to work.  It helps to build some structure in our life.   One of the most difficult aspects about grief is that we feel powerless.   Try to create daily rituals.  It will help you feel that you have some control in your life.

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Jackiag862

I have a lot of family and friends that are all amazing. I can’t even imagine going back to work right now I feel like it’s so futile and everything makes me feel guilty. Like even if I’m kind of ok for a couple hours and I laugh or eat something I feel so guilty. It just happened so I guess I have a long way to go. 

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1 hour ago, Jackiag862 said:

I’m kind of ok for a couple hours and I laugh or eat something I feel so guilty

I hope you will read this. 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

It's important to give ourselves permission to smile, we need all those we can get. I've said it before and will say it again:  "It's not our grief that binds us to them but our love, and that continues still."

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Try to create daily rituals.  It will help you feel that you have some control in your life.

Great idea!

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Jackiag862

This is just torture. I just think about him every second of the day. About everything we wanted to do and everything he loved. I can’t stop thinking about what I could’ve done to stop this or change it. Why was he taken away from me? Why is this world so brutal? I miss him so much it feels like my heart is dying over and over again. I would give anything to smell his skin or laugh with him or put my head on his shoulder. He has three kids too and they’re left without him now also. We literally were so sarcastic and bitter and we never felt about anyone the way we did about each other and could not believe how in love we were. He was only 40, he had so much he wanted to do. I can’t handle this pain, it’s excruciating. It’s not fair. My baby is gone and I can’t fathom it or wrap my head around it. I try to distract myself and do some normal things but then I just collapse from crying. It’s like living in a nightmare I can’t shake. 

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@Jackiag862,

Nothing you did or didn’t do could have changed this.  There is no “why” that we can, or should, understand.  He is so lucky that you gave him the opportunity to step beyond that sarcastic, bitter world and enjoy the love and lives you shared.  I am so sorry you stepped outside of it, and have now been returned to it. But I am happy you had at least a little time to enjoy it with him.

We will never again be as whole and happy as we were when they shared our lives.  Then again, we will never be as empty as we were before.  There may be no shaking the nightmare we are in, but I would rather live with it than have lived without it.  One second, one breath at a time.  You will get through it, and though his body may not be there, his love will always be with you.  Hoping you find some respite from the pain,

Herc

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Sunflower2

@Jackiag862:  It is unbearable!  It is torture.  It is hell.  Allow yourself to curl up, to collapse on the floor and cry.  You will find yourself crying in a way you never dreamed imaginable. Allow yourself this cry.  Do not stop it.  At 68 I never experienced crying like that.  My therapist referred to it as a grief howl!  It was a howling.  Just let yourself howl!!!! 

everyone griefs in their own way.  what has helped me may not help others.  It's so fresh but if you can try one simple thing a day so it becomes a ritual do it consistently.  Keep it simple.  I took a bath every morning with bubbles and a bath every evening.  I soaked in lavender! I made my coffee and wrote in a journal.  In time I made myself go out once a day.  Keep that simple.  I call them "healing intervals."   Over time the intervals increased from seconds to a minute...a minute to 2 minutes.  Practice. Keep it simple!!!!  

I'm going to share 3 reads that worked for me.  I started with one.

++Healing After Loss   Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief  By Martha Whitmore Hickman 

            The above was from an acquaintance the day of his funeral.  It became part of my morning ritual with my coffee curled up with my heating pad and my       journal.  The daily mediations carry on though the year. I'm still doing this. 

++It's OK That You're NOT OK   Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand   By Megan Devine   

    I was desperate.  My need was to find ways on how to work this ****. Not fix the **** but realize it is ok to not be ok!!!   This book presents grief in its raw form. She presents her loss but the focus is to guide the reader.

++Bearing the Unbearable Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief.

    this book was a suggested read from some on this site. I loved this one but I also needed Megan Devine's book.  I actually just finished Bearing the Unbearable a few weeks ago. 

These were enough for me. We are so overwhelmed that I simply kept it at these 3.  All part of healing intervals or healing prongs.  

Prayers are with you 

 

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12 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

This is just torture. I just think about him every second of the day. About everything we wanted to do and everything he loved. I can’t stop thinking about what I could’ve done to stop this or change it. Why was he taken away from me? Why is this world so brutal? I miss him so much it feels like my heart is dying over and over again. I would give anything to smell his skin or laugh with him or put my head on his shoulder. He has three kids too and they’re left without him now also. We literally were so sarcastic and bitter and we never felt about anyone the way we did about each other and could not believe how in love we were. He was only 40, he had so much he wanted to do. I can’t handle this pain, it’s excruciating. It’s not fair. My baby is gone and I can’t fathom it or wrap my head around it. I try to distract myself and do some normal things but then I just collapse from crying. It’s like living in a nightmare I can’t shake. 

You are very fresh in this, it's hard to wrap our minds around them being here...and then not, how can that be?!  It goes through our brain a million times a day.  The grief consumes us, our loss is so great!  Yet it is in embracing it and going straight through it, pain and all, that we process all this and make our way through it.  It will evolve, A year from now will not be as it is today.  Two years, three years from now, will be different yet.  You will always carry your love for him, your memories, but they won't always torture you.

 

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I'm so sorry for your loss. It'll be 2 years next week that my boyfriend of 4 years passed away suddenly. It is so reassuring to read some of these comments and finally find some people who are in the same boat. It's so hard every single day. Sometimes I feel that people belittle my grief because we had that 'boyfriend/ girlfriend' label and people don't realise that it was and is so much more than that, can anyone relate? 

It's nearly been two years and if I'm honest I don't feel that it has got any easier. It's torture. I still have mornings where I go to text him good morning, I still break down every day, I still have those days where I don't want to get out of bed, I still feel angry, I still haven't accepted it and I don't think I ever will. He was only 19 and it doesn't make sense, one minute he was here and one minute he was gone and I will never be able to make sense of it or understand why this happened. I just don't see how I will ever feel like me again when half of me is missing. 

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@ggp123  I'm sorry for your loss...it's not the title of the relationship, but what was in your heart that determines the loss, as I'm sure you've figured out.  Those of us here get it.  My husband and I didn't meet until our mid-forties and we only got 6 1/2 years together.  I felt gypped, especially as I read of those married 50 years!  But it really isn't about length of time either, it's about quality of relationship, and that we had, to the max.

It took me a good three years to process it so two years in the scheme of things is the beginning...it's not mere passage of time that does anything either, it's what we do with it.  Going to a grief counselor, journaling, coming to our grief forum, I even did art therapy, it all helped.  In those early days we have habits that we have to reprogram, like being used to them calling at a certain time, that time of day comes and it's tough.  You are very young and I swear the younger one is, the more caught of guard and gypped they might feel, that is understandable, I felt that even though I wasn't as young as you.  

We never feel as we did "before", everything is changed, but we can learn to embrace what is good in this moment...in the beginning it will be a stretch to find anything, but little by little when we look hard enough we find simple bits of good in our life (comparisons are a positive-killer so I've learned not to go there).  This is the hardest journey I've ever had to do and it's for the rest of my life, but somehow I'm doing it, you'll find your way too.

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Jackiag862

I’m going to grief counseling and getting help from everyone in my life. So many people are torn apart over this. It just still doesn’t seem real most days. Part of me doesn’t want to feel this pain but the other part thinks i should have to cuz if I’m not and I’m trying to do normal things then it’s like I don’t care. I know that’s irrational but I heard it’s notmal. I just think starting to go to work again or anything like that is gonna be so hard. Like nothing happened. Even going to my AA meetings feels so weird and wrong. I just want him back and I know it’s so useless to keep saying that but that’s all I think about. Today has definitely been a somewhat stronger day but tonight I’m starting to get the waves of panic and dread and disbelief. I miss him so much. I hope so much that he can hear me and he knows how much I love him. I never really believed in anything but now I have to believe he’s somewhere or I won’t make it. 

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It's important to give ourselves permission to do normal things, to participate in life.  That said, yes, it's a normal grief response, but not one to hang onto forever.  It's all a process, we don't zip through this quickly or easily, that's for sure.  No matter what we do, it will never be like nothing happened.  

Somewhere along the line I stopped feeling it was unreal, I stopped thinking he'd call or come through the door...kind of sad, I don't even know exactly when that happened.  I got used to reality, little by little.

11 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

now I have to believe he’s somewhere or I won’t make it. 

Keep believing!  (((hugs)))

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@Jackiag862 I am sorry for your loss. I can totally understand your feeling. I lost my boyfriend 5 months ago and it was so sudden and shocking for me. We were in 8years of relationship. Even I didn't got a chance to see him for a last time. One day before death only we were in video call..and due to this pandemic situation I met him last time one month before his death.. and it was sudden death, 2hours before only we were on call and we both were laughing I never thought of for the last time I am hearing that laugh..Still I don't know the actual reason of his death, his family is talking to me very nicely but they are hiding the truth I don't know what happened. For the first month I was completely lost because I was unable to believe anything  then one day his family shared the death certificate so that I can believe..For me I have more than 2000 photos and some videos of him which I watch every time every moment..I feel I have no friend nothing only family is there with me. I am feeling daily I want to do suicide then my mother took promise then I stopped myself from harming. I am not able to move still waiting for a day when I am going to meet him again.. I wanna hug him tightly..Just be strong and live for a family...

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@Ria182910  I am so sorry, I lost my husband 15 1/2 years ago and remember feeling such shock & anxiety, I didn't have a clue where to start.  It was a place such as this that literally saved me, all our friends disappeared overnight, apparently death makes people uncomfortable...not like we are comfortable with it, we have no choice!  My heart goes out to you, I can understand your feelings and wish to reach out to you.  Try not to look past today, for today it's enough to breathe and if you get up, that's a feat.  I hope you'll continue to come here and post, you're not alone, there's others who have lost their partners not long ago, we're all here in this together.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. He is the love of my life and we were obsessed with each other. I just can’t wrap my head around not being able to talk to him or touch him. I keep thinking he’s gonna come back or that someone made a mistake. I feel like I can’t get through this and that life is pointless now. Why would this happen. All I can think about is him and his face and him hugging me and our future. My heart is completely destroyed I feel like half of me is dead. I miss him so much and I’m scared that I’m gonna be this way forever. 

It has been 4 months for me and the tears still flow daily but this website gives me a community and that helps


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I totally get it. My boyfriend died 8 weeks ago. I have been there with the sleepless nights, and the days you want to just sleep all day. The minute when you open your eyes and remember your new reality and just wish you could be in a permanent state of sleep. Feeling like life is meaningless now that you don't have him by your side every day and all of the plans that you had suddenly aren't going to happen. I hated getting on facebook and seeing all the happy couples. I had the blame too and all of the regret. I seriously thought of just ending the pain, but I realized I couldn't do that to my family. I am the type of person that needed to know what to expect. Exactly how long would I feel like this? When will it get better? And no one would give me a timeline, which frustrated me, but now I get it. Everyone is different! But I can tell you that even in the 8 weeks since this has happened, my grief has changed.
I felt just like you at the very beginning. In my experience, I went from not being able to get out of bed to being able to go through the motions. I'm not happy, but there are times that I'm not crying, which I consider progress. I sleep better now. I have gone from having bad days everyday, to most days bad, to some days bad, and now it's not even the whole day. I have a rough hour or two, but then I get to a point where I'm ok. Yes, I still have bad days but no, I don't feel as hopeless all the time. I feel like every week I grieve something else. If your relationship was anything like ours, he was probably a lot of different people in your life. Boyfriend, best friend, travel buddy, chef, companion, the list goes on and on. I have had to grieve each loss. But one piece of advice that I learned was to allow yourself to feel the grief. It sounds and feels awful at the time but if you don't allow yourself to feel it, it will bubble up and come out in some form, at some time. Its inevitable. So feel it now. Allow yourself to lay in bed, eat junk, look at his pictures, listen to your song, let yourself feel it. Don't bottle it up. 
What makes me feel better is to think of him. What would he have been doing if the roles were reversed and I had been the one to go? How would he have handled it? And most importantly, if you were the one that was gone, what would you want for him? To be sad? He loved you and he would not blame you or be mad at you or anything besides miss you and feel so awful that he left you feeling this way. 
I know how awful the last 2 months have been for me and its awful to know that another person is going through this nightmare too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it's also nice to know that you're not alone. People have made it through these types of things before and they will after us too. And we will get through it. Time will help. And it sucks but this is the worst part. It will get easier. 

I also have done the roles reversed scenario you described, nice to hear someone else did this.


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@KayC Thanks for your words..it means a lot :)  I am trying to recover me but the memories takes me to my past..The main issue I am facing is I am unable to believe still how this can happend..how normal people who have no disease nothing can dies suddenly who was laughing, talking to me and after few hours this could happen.

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I was in a state of disbelief too when it happened, he was so vibrant, so full of zest for life, how could he just not be here anymore?  But it seeps in little by little.

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On 5/14/2018 at 5:35 PM, Jackiag862 said:

My boyfriend just died and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. He is the love of my life and we were obsessed with each other. I just can’t wrap my head around not being able to talk to him or touch him. I keep thinking he’s gonna come back or that someone made a mistake. I feel like I can’t get through this and that life is pointless now. Why would this happen. All I can think about is him and his face and him hugging me and our future. My heart is completely destroyed I feel like half of me is dead. I miss him so much and I’m scared that I’m gonna be this way forever. 

Im going through the same thing right now. I love and miss him so much. Im barely trying to exist. Been drunk or high for the past 8 months   Does it ever get better? 

Ryan

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I responded to you in your other post, several have.  I'm so sorry you find yourself on this journey that we never okayed, but I'm glad you've found your way here.  It helps to express our grief to others who get it, and frankly, my family/friends did not.

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Kausalya Vijay murugan

Hi All !! 
 

I’m going through same phase it’s been exactly 24 days since the love of my life passed/ parted away from me ! It’s still like a nightmare- I never have even dreamt of something like this happening, bcoz I knew even in my dream I couldn’t have handled! But one fine evening suddenly I received a call that changed everything! The worst day in my entire life even now I wish that never had happened! I was devastated, I’m still ! Like others said we had so many plans it was 8 yrs relationship from school , we even had plans to do masters together but everything ended just like that ! I prioritised him more than my family and wow this is what I earned back for loving him so much ! I know he didn’t want to leave me but somehow **** happened! I really feel cursed , I’m conscious but still get suicidal thoughts ! I really miss him so much I really wanna go back to him I badly wanna hug him ! He was my everything- Completely devastated I’m 

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1 hour ago, Kausalya Vijay murugan said:

I really feel cursed , I’m conscious but still get suicidal thoughts !

I'm sorry you must endure this, Kausalya. What you feel has been felt by others who have posted here. We fully understand what you're going through. The initial period seems to be the worst. Try to focus on keeping yourself going...a minute or day at at time. I'd encourage you to read some of the posts here which will, hopefully, allow you to understand you're not alone. What you're feeling is shared by many others.

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AlwaysTogether

Hello @jackieag862, I am really sorry for your lost. The good about this space is we all understand the pain you are feeling and the hell you are living. It’s been 8 weeks for me since my loved one pass, he was the love of my life too, and like you I just don’t understand how to live without him. But I can say with the the days you will have some moments of “peace” or at least not too awful. But you need to take care if yourself..

Try to eat, and sleep. At the begging I didn’t eat or sleep at all.. I had to use pills for sleeps.. some day I still need it.

I think in My love every minute of the day, and I think I don’t want stop thinking or talking of him. This is a shitty situation.. but you are not alone.. 

the firts month you are literal a zombie.. but I put my hope in God will make this better.. now give you time, to cry to scream, to be angry.. but also take care of you because am sure is what your boyfriend would like it..  day by day, step by step. Will be a long/hard way to walk, but you don’t have to walk alone

 

 

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@Kausalya Vijay murugan Sorry to hear this.. I truly understand your feeling 6months back same thing happened with me. I lost my boyfriend my love and we are also having same 8years of relationship and one phone call has changed my life and I didn't got a chance to see him also in his last time it was all of sudden he was so well and talking to me as usual and all of a sudden he got an attack same day. I know what pain is there when our life changes within a second I still can't sleep or wakeup without seeing his photo I read all our conversations daily and one thing I am telling you from my 6months healing process that don't do suicide I also tried 2-3 times and I realized if will do suicide we will not reach to our partner and in god's place also suicide is a crime and our partner has left us peacefully not doing crime so definitely there also we are not going to meet them and here our parents will get hurt so I know you can't smile you don't wanna live but live and do what your partner has loved the most do something which makes  him and your family both proud and wait for a day when god will come and take us.

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On 12/16/2020 at 7:31 AM, Kausalya Vijay murugan said:

Hi All !! 
 

I’m going through same phase it’s been exactly 24 days since the love of my life passed/ parted away from me ! It’s still like a nightmare- I never have even dreamt of something like this happening, bcoz I knew even in my dream I couldn’t have handled! But one fine evening suddenly I received a call that changed everything! The worst day in my entire life even now I wish that never had happened! I was devastated, I’m still ! Like others said we had so many plans it was 8 yrs relationship from school , we even had plans to do masters together but everything ended just like that ! I prioritised him more than my family and wow this is what I earned back for loving him so much ! I know he didn’t want to leave me but somehow **** happened! I really feel cursed , I’m conscious but still get suicidal thoughts ! I really miss him so much I really wanna go back to him I badly wanna hug him ! He was my everything- Completely devastated I’m 

I am so sorry!  I lost the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, it was also sudden and unexpected, I thought we had years left together!  I didn't see how I could do life without him, somehow here I am 15 1/2 years later.  It changed me, changed my life.  But I've learned so much on this journey, I can't begin to tell you, of course any of us would trade everything to have them back for even five minutes!  Not a day goes by but he's uppermost in my thoughts, I love and miss him continually...but somehow the unthinkable happened and I've adjusted as well as I could to the changes it's meant for my life.

You're grieving the loss of him AND all of your hopes and dreams, it's understandable you feel suicidal.  Most of us do in the early days.  Thankfully I didn't act on it, I gave myself the gift of time to adjust and spent that time learning, learning, learning.  This is a long slow process but we can all get through this...together.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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@lou Louise  I am so glad you found this place, it's safe here and we can relate to one another through common experiences.  When I lost my husband all of our friends disappeared overnight!  I was ill prepared for that on top of the shock of losing him prematurely.  I am so sorry that you are experiencing loss too. :wub:  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, we want to be here for you.  I see some others have already showed affirmation for your post.  ;)

 

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lou Louise

@KayC  Unfortunately yeah it seems to be the case with friends. That's really sad that it happened to you too, I've heard a lot that you shouldn't isolate yourself but i feel more so that people have isolated themselves from me which has been really hard, i guess is just another thing to think about if anyone i know ever goes through something similar id make sure they knew i was around for them.

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http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

I had to make new friends at a time when it was the hardest to do so, but I did it.  It takes putting yourself out there, very hard and all the more so during Covid.  Meanwhile, it can help to come here, we're on every day and listening....

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The love of my life died 2 weeks ago and I am destroyed. We first got together 14 years ago, and 8 weeks into the relationship I got pregnant. We were so young and I had an abortion, which I have regretted my whole life. And we split up while he reunited with an ex girlfriend. But when they broke up, we started up again. And have been on and off like that ever since. No matter what happens, we have always come back to each other, and every time it still feels the same And like home. The big barrier in our journey has been his health. He was type 1 diabetic when I met him, and so angry + resentful of it. Anytime his health flared up he pushed me away, but I never stopped caring or moved on. I used to blame myself, but his health made him so complicated. I know I couldn’t have done anymore. My heart was always with him. And I Just waited and hoped for each time he would come back, And he always has. We always come back to each other and it feels like home. Over the years that became kidney failure, which led to dialysis and last year a kidney, pancreas transplant. The pancreas failed right away, but the kidney worked. And after 3 months he came home and we reunited. It was wonderful. I felt so safe and sure of us. We were making plans for the future and life after stupid lockdown. But then the worst happened. The kidney failed. I wanted to be there for him, but once again he pushed me away. I prayed and reached out to him all the time, but his wall was up again. He pushed everyone other than his family and dialysis family away, because he never wanted people to see him suffer or see him as a patient. And then 4 months later he has died, and I am heartbroken. I’m left with all my memories and broken hopes of the future I now know we both wanted. I don’t know how I will ever recover from this. 

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