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Thompson

I watched the love of my life die

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Thompson

7 weeks ago my partner of 9 years hung himself moments before I walked in the garage. I held him up while on the phone to the ambulance but I fear all I did was prolonge his death. The ambulance brought him back to life before going to the hospital and he was on life support for a week but he was brain dead.

I am constantly playing through the different scenarios in my head of "if only I tried to get him down sooner instead of holding him up" and so on. The only comfort I have is that his family got a chance to say goodbye and see him one last time but I will never be able to forgive myself for - in my mind... extending his agony.

I am concerned because I can still go in the garage and I am ok. I don't cry often but when I do it's usually at night and I completely lose it. I keep telling myself "it is what it is" and that I can't let myself go crazy from this because I still have a long life ahead of me. But on the other hand if I read a story or see something on the news about someone losing a loved one in a situation far less sad than the one I am in, I am distraught for them. My heart aches for them and I think.. "why do I not feel this for myself?"

Is the trauma and heart ache so much that I cannot let myself be sad because it will destroy me or is it possible that I am rationalising the sitation and I could be ok?

My partner and I were great friends since I was 14 and have been in a relationship since I was 19. He is the only love I have ever known, we had built our whole lives together and talked about our future all the time. I am struggling to understand how he could make so many plans with me when he didn't think he would be here anyway. I knew he was struggling with depression but he was on anti depressants for a long time and said he was feeling a lot better. We even got a dog in November, moved into a new house that was a lot more expensive in December and bought all new furniture on a loan in January but then he commited suicide in March. I am really struggling to understand why he went ahead with all these big decisions when he was clearly thinking about this for some time and now I am left with the debt. I have read so many articles but I still do not understand the thought process and it is very upsetting to suddenly be left on your own, completely blind sided. He knew I was home when he hung himself and knew I would find him. He loved me so much, I just cannot wrap my head around him being ok with leaving me like this and knowing I would have to find him.

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reader

Dear Thompson,

I'm so sorry. I know this is an extremely difficult time. The pain and sorrow is unfathomable. It is too much for one's mind to understand and feels so surreal.

I hope you can lean on trusted friends and family for additional supports. If you want to maybe consider talking to grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church. During this sad time we all need more people to support us.

Please know you are not alone and we are with you.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Tina1981
On 5/14/2018 at 8:35 AM, Thompson said:

7 weeks ago my partner of 9 years hung himself moments before I walked in the garage. I held him up while on the phone to the ambulance but I fear all I did was prolonge his death. The ambulance brought him back to life before going to the hospital and he was on life support for a week but he was brain dead.

I am constantly playing through the different scenarios in my head of "if only I tried to get him down sooner instead of holding him up" and so on. The only comfort I have is that his family got a chance to say goodbye and see him one last time but I will never be able to forgive myself for - in my mind... extending his agony.

I am concerned because I can still go in the garage and I am ok. I don't cry often but when I do it's usually at night and I completely lose it. I keep telling myself "it is what it is" and that I can't let myself go crazy from this because I still have a long life ahead of me. But on the other hand if I read a story or see something on the news about someone losing a loved one in a situation far less sad than the one I am in, I am distraught for them. My heart aches for them and I think.. "why do I not feel this for myself?"

Is the trauma and heart ache so much that I cannot let myself be sad because it will destroy me or is it possible that I am rationalising the sitation and I could be ok?

My partner and I were great friends since I was 14 and have been in a relationship since I was 19. He is the only love I have ever known, we had built our whole lives together and talked about our future all the time. I am struggling to understand how he could make so many plans with me when he didn't think he would be here anyway. I knew he was struggling with depression but he was on anti depressants for a long time and said he was feeling a lot better. We even got a dog in November, moved into a new house that was a lot more expensive in December and bought all new furniture on a loan in January but then he commited suicide in March. I am really struggling to understand why he went ahead with all these big decisions when he was clearly thinking about this for some time and now I am left with the debt. I have read so many articles but I still do not understand the thought process and it is very upsetting to suddenly be left on your own, completely blind sided. He knew I was home when he hung himself and knew I would find him. He loved me so much, I just cannot wrap my head around him being ok with leaving me like this and knowing I would have to find him.

Hey! Today is my first time finding this site and right away your post stood out so I wanted to talk to you. My name is Tina and I lost my wife of 14 years April 18. She shot herself in her truck while me and my son was in bed. We was having problems and I stayed in our spare room. I understand your feelings of confusion and I understand all the questions you have that you ask yourself everyday. I do the same. I had no idea my wife ended it until I woke up the next day and found her and tried to get her to get up out the truck. She was gone but I didn't realize this until she was carried away. I will always blame myself because all she wanted was me to go back in the room with her. Just be with her. I wasn't gone! Just in another room. I got tired of the way she treated me and I wanted her to stop. Instead I made it worse. For 4 months she told me she was going to kill herself so all the world would know it's because of me. Because I hurt her heart. That's hard to live with. I told cops, counselor,  her family  (trying to get help) everyone said I'm the cause and I should move back to her room. After her staying drunk and shooting holes in wall and actually putting a gun to her head in front of me, I just couldn't go back to the room. I still tried to help her but she saw nothing other than i wasnt in her room. Although I will never understand why she couldn't see how much I was absolutely crazy in love with her, I began finding out things about her past.  Her childhood which accompanied lots of sexual abuse, physical abuse, drugs, and that this happened at the hands of her mother. She never got help for it but that's why she couldn't see the good. Too much bad had took place.  It's really hard feeling like what if you done this or you should have done that differently. We take the blame because  we love them and would do anything to save them. The problem didn't have anything to do with you or me. Sometimes the people we love has went through things that they refuse to talk to anyone about and they have so much hurt and feelings of worthlessness. No matter how much you say I love you, I will take the pain away, it can only be fixed by the person going through it. There is no way anyone can support things you don't know about. I struggle everyday. Nothing is the same! I am here if you want to talk. My email is. Findurpositive@gmail.com. i am available anytime u want to talk. I would like to talk to someone who can relate. There's no pressure to email me. Just if you would like to talk

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