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Lost my 18 yo daughter suddenly


KimmiesMom

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KimmiesMom

It has been two months since I was awoken to a police officer standing on my porch, waiting to deliver the worst words a parent can hear. You know, they say that parents don't have favorite children but sometimes we do connect with one more so than the others. As a mother of five beautiful children, I can say honestly that I love them each in unique way. But Kimmy was closer to me than any other the others. We did everything together, we liked the same things and well- I could not imagine life without her there. Without a doubt, she was my best friend. She was a good kid who worked hard since she was 16, she did everything by the book and was as trustworthy a person as you would ever know.

On March 13, 2018 her boyfriend found her unresponsive when he came home from work, the paramedics did CPR on her but there was nothing they could do, I was told.

So here I am standing the dark on my front porch as I sob uncontrollably into my sleeve, trying despirately to calm myself because there are three children behind the glass of my front window who will never see their sister again. There are phone calls to be made, he give me his card and let's me know who will be handling her body. Her Body! I cry out to myself but all I can manage is a whimper. What happened? Is all I can manage to muster to say. He doesn't know.

Then I thought there could be nothing worse then having to call the family and let them know and be unable to say what had happened to a vibrant and healthy 18 year old girl. Now I know better.

Long story short the autopsy revealed that my girl had died from an overdose of fentanyl and cocaine. Her boyfriend, had introduced her to it, and I know he had to have bought it for her or gave it to her because she did not have a job when she passed. She had always hated people doing drugs, because she hated what it did to their families. But there is no disputing what was in her blood.

I have wrestled with my emotions, with the idea that it will get better, that I will not cry every ten minutes throughout the day. I keep promising my heart that we are almost there, and that soon I will be able to look at pictures of her without this heaviness in my chest. I know it's only been two months, but I am having trouble finding people to talk to and who understand.

I never would have believed that a question like how many children do you have?, could be so heart rending and dreadful. I find myself pausing instead of blurting out five all I can think of is how she is now missing. So I choke out the number and then comes a worse question still, Oh, what are their ages. I choke again because now all I can think of are all the birthdays she will never have and all the memories she will never get to make all because she trusted someone who led her astray.

Now this terrible grief is accompanied by anger at the one who put her in the place that killed her.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

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Dear Kimmiesmom,

Sending you love and hugs. I'm so sorry for all your heartache and pain. It is unimaginable.

I hope you can continue to lean on friends and family through this very sad and difficult time.

If you want to maybe consider talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group in the community or through church. I find during this very traumatic time we need all the kind people in the world to hold us up.

It is so hard. I hear you regarding the anger. I never understood how life can be so unfair.

Thinking of you. Please know we are here with you. With all my thoughts and prayers.

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KimmiesMom

Thank you for your kind response, reader. I am currently looking for a group in my area, and if it becomes too much I am not afraid of getting counseling. It's just been hard and I hate to really vent to people about it because it gets people all riled up and that is not helpful either. Just taking it as it comes for now,

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TearsInHeaven

KimmiesMom, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all too well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. The reasons for the losses are many, the lost children are unique and your grief is as unique as was the love of your daughter.This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. The hows don't matter, the whys can never be answered but the anguish, the grief can be shared with those who understand the loss .  I lost my son 3.5 years ago.  Suddenly, no warning.  He was older than your daughter but he will be forever 36.   I know what that "notification" does to your very soul. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you.  You have come to a good place.  Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now.    If counseling is something you want to pursue that is a good thing.  You will find many parents here who sadly walk in the shoes of a bereaved mother.  Some have experienced loss very recently and there are some who have lived many years with their loss and many of us who fall in between.  There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. I could not do the counseling part as it just did not work on a personal level.  Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience.  We have a very active thread where we all try to gather under Loss of an Adult Child. If you go to the last page (which is around 2535) you will see the most active posts. Instruct.thumb.JPG.1054c7756cf66f5891fcb8079d74753e.JPG

A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

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Tommy's mum

kimmiesmom I am so sorry that you lost your precious girl. As a mother of 4 kids now only 3 I know well how the devastation hits you so hard and that although you love your other children very much it by no means makes the loss easier to bear. You are still very early in the grief journey it takes a very long time to adjust to the loss of a child and the fact that there is  a gap in the birth order and a face missing from photos. Your children will also be struggling with the loss of their sister at such a young age and will need some support.How old are they? My other children were 19 21 and 22 when they lost their brother and it has affected them deeply to this day I know they have not dealt with their brother's death fully, they have tried to stay strong and kind of avoid it because it is so sad and so final and they need to concentrate on moving forward. My Tommy had just turned 24 and fell from a very tall dorm building whilst trying to save his friend from jumping off and commiting suicide. Ironically the teenage friend survived but we lost our Tommy. That happened in 2015 and I still find some days very difficult. It is quite simple really you will love and miss that child for the rest of your life but with help and support you can pick up the shattered pieces and be able to adjust. It takes a long time. This group of parents have been invaluable to me over the past 21 months there is no local group for me to attend and I struggle with anxiety and depression so that kind of is not an option for me. I did get bereavement counselling, now have a psychiatrist and see my mental health worker every week along with medications to help me cope. Talking with people who have also lost a child is priceless because they totally understand the emotions and difficulties involved and can offer advice and support when often family and friends just dont get it and say stupid things because they cannot understand our pain. Please join us on Loss of an adult child by Mom of Justin as Dianne suggested, we all meet there as it keeps us all in one place so no one gets overlooked. Take care you are not alone in this ok?

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Dear Kimmie. I lost my daughter on 18/2/17 in same way. She had just turned 30 with her twin brother who is in wheelchair from car accident 3 years ago. My girl sadly did struggle with pain killer addiction. She’d been injured in botched surgery when she was just 16 and drs put her on strong meds for injuries she suffered. However she’d finally beaten that battle- then went to Sydney to leave her abusive boyfriend who was of moslem faith. He said she would never leave him. He sent a text two hours after she had supposed passed at 8am in morning to say they were fighting and he didn’t know where she was?? I didn’t find out till knock on door at 6pm that night from police. I just fell. Strange things showed in autopsy report. She’d had a needle in back of her neck. There were 2 drugs including fetanyl in her system that she didn’t take. Plus several inconsistencies. I know I have to follow up on it. I owe it to her. The hatred I feel for him is terrible and consuming. This fetanyl drug needs to be investigated. I’ve seen too many people have died from it. I feel your pain. My daughter was so so close to me. I struggle to keep going. One day answers might come. I hope you can find answers and bit of peace. I believe now that we will all be together again some day. But it’s the here and now that is the worst thing and pain I’ve dealt with xo

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KJs Mommy Always

KimmiesMom,

im so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl. I’m new to this grieving life and it is the most unstable, hurtful, heartbreak I’ll ever experience in my life. My son passed away on Monday, he was only 6.5 months. He was my only son and youngest. When people ask you how many children you have please tell them 5. She’ll always be your daughter. I have 4 children, and my son passed. I’ll always include him in that number. Please deal with things as you deem appropriate. My heart goes out for everyone on this site, including myself. I’m sending many hugs and prayers your way.

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PieceofCate

KimmiesMom, I am heartbroken for you. My daughter Cate was killed in an auto accident three months ago. It seems reasonable for you to be angry with her boyfriend. Who wouldn’t be? I have recently been making calls and writing strongly worded letters to the turnpike authority and every politician I know about the spot where Cate hydroplaned.  It’s common in this spot but no cables or anything. And as for the massive hole she left behind I had this experience yesterday with my youngest.

 

I enrolled Lilly in 2nd grade today. As I’m filling out paperwork, I see that Cate is listed as an emergency contact. I was instantly aware of the enormous loss. And how I depended on her for so much. How such a thing can make me burst into tears and flee an elementary school. Just the sight of her name. And watching it being scratched out and replaced. How many more times will I have to watch her name being removed from some document or report a household figure that is lower than it should be. Delete emails addressed to her or have to tell her Dr that she will not make her scheduled appointment. Ever. All the little things that remind me just how our lives were woven together so tightly. I am grateful for that. I think that now I need to find purpose and at least try to prevent the same fate for others. Give time to charities that she would want me to help. I’ll never be the same person I was before the accident. I pray that you find comfort, justice, whatever you need to carry on. I feel Cate telling me often that she is not far and will see me soon and that then everything will make sense to me. Love and prayers. 

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Denise Marie Gaber

Hello Kimmie's Mom,

I can relate to receiving the phone call and how fast your world quickly changes, from living everyday life to complete devastation! Like what the hell just happened???!!! It's been 15 years since my 17 year old daughter, Amanda's passing in a tragic car accident. Although our stories of their passings differ, the shock and trauma are the same. I describe it as "painfully numb" where your body feels so numb yet your heart is in absolute pain over their physical loss. At those initial moments, you have the feeling of dying with them and really you do. Your life as  you knew it, is gone, up in smoke. It's truly hard to fathom that your life could ever possibly go on.

But it's in forums, and places like this, you can find many of us that relate to the pain and sorrow, but have also found ways to turn that sorrow into inspiration, honoring the love and life shared with your/our precious children! In my experience of coping with loss, I saw that taking on the shame and judgements of myself and others made it even more unbearable, like what do I do with all of this "shoulda, coulda, woulda" emotions and thoughts of why??? But I found believing those thoughts that I could've done something different to prevent my daughter's passing, kept me stuck into shame, self doubt and anxiety, like I was a bad person and bad mother. But I am here to tell you, you are not! Your love for your daughter was/is so strong and connected therefore is why you are feeling the deep loss and pain. If you are at a point of wanting an objective person to listen, without shame and judgement, that's what I do professionally. Either way, I am here to support you.

Sincerely,

Denise Marie

P.S. Here is a link to a song I wrote, "Love Always" as a tribute to my daughter, Amanda. https://youtu.be/0w0_NiBX2H0

May it bring peace to your soul, knowing your daughter Kimmy's love is with you always too.

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Tommy's mum

denisemarie your words ring with the power of truth and self experience and will be helpful to all sorrowing parents. Your experience has shaped you into a strong advocate for helping others good for you! the positivity you have found is inspiring.

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MiasMommyForever

Im so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the hard question of how many kids. I usually say "i have 3, my two sons are with me and my daughter's in heaven." It makes me feel better, and it makes strangers stop asking questions.  Im thankful the doctor's finally stopped calling to see if she'll be in for her check up or 6 month dentist appt, but those calls were so hard for me to deal with. I can hold it together most of the day, but the unexpected calls or questions are the worst. I don't ask people questions about their kids anymore. Who would've known a simple question would ruin your whole day or week? I pray for your strength.. one day at a time mama. My boys keep me trying my hardest to get through the day, the week, the month.  One day at a time, it's all we can do.

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