cat Lost my cat 24 hours ago and my pain is getting worse

[Etc]

Just lost my cat to coyotes.  Her name was Blue baby.  Got her for my son when our other cat died.  She was the sweetest and loved my son .  She got out through a broken screen.  The neighbor s saw them attack her, so she yelled and they ran off.  The cat ran into the woods and she said the coyotes came back for her.  I searhed all day but could not find her.  I am devastated,  no other pet passing has effected me so much.  I think its the thought that she was all alone and suffered.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, MyJulius said:

Also, on the cat shelter website I read about some of the traumas that the homeless cats have been through, the abuse, the injuries, the neglect and that they just need some love and comfort in their lives.

That's how my cat's life was the first ten years.  She grew up in a trailer court in Portland, OR, full of drug addicts, people coming and going.  The manager told me her history, she'd get adopted, then they'd  suddenly abandon her, she never went to a vet.  Somewhere along the way someone (not a vet) crudely spayed her as she'd had so many batches of kittens.  I don't even want to think about that one but I'd found a cord/twine hanging out of her tummy, I cut it off flush with her skin and amazingly enough she doesn't seem to have any problems from what happened.  I don't know how she lived through her first ten years but she's a survivor.  I promised her a forever home in the country and she has a great retirement ruling the household and especially the dog.

[AJWCat]

"Letting go of the grief is letting go of him." - Yes. There is no doubt I was there for a while. It's all we have left. The feelings of sadness. The pit in our stomach, the heartache. Let that go and they really are gone. And yet he is not. He is so close in your heart. It sounds corny but I believe it. And you are sounding better, the earlier post about all the many happy years of love. You are so right about that as well. Don't pack his things - you will know when you want to and when it feels okay. Remember, take your time. Heart going out to you...

[KayC]

I say take things as they come, don't force yourself to do something you aren't ready for, if and when it's the time to pack up things, you'll know, and it doesn't have to be everything at once.  No one can tell you when the time is right or isn't because each of us is different with our timeline.  And if everything sits there the rest of your life, so be it, what's it to anyone else?

I went through this when my husband died, when I got rid of his trailer it was gut-wrenching, it wasn't easy selling his car either, but I had to do it, couldn't afford the payments.  It helps to have someone with you when you do these things, but I didn't have anyone.  Everything you do makes it feel more real and it feels like a part of them is going, very hard.

With my cat, Miss Mocha, I didn't have anything to get rid of, I still have another cat so the cat dishes and litter box remained.  For me the hard part was looking at the spots she inhabited...and not seeing her there anymore and knowing I wouldn't see her again.

[Etc]

I wish I had words to help you get through it.  He sounded like a wonderful cat.   

[AJWCat]

Hi @MyJulius just checking in, hope you are doing okay. 

[MyJulius]

On 6/3/2018 at 10:05 AM, Etc said:

I wish I had words to help you get through it.  He sounded like a wonderful cat.   

Etc - Hello, I just read your comments now. I went away for a few days. I just packed a bag, jumped into my car and drove for over 5 hours before I stopped driving, I couldn't stay in my home. I drove to a place with lots of peace and quiet, mountains, streams, and fresh air and stayed in a little cabin for a couple of days to try and clear my head.

I also just read your heartbreaking story as well. I am so sorry. And being devastated is completely understandable. To be honest I'm still very devastated about losing Julius. At the end of this week, it will be one month for me losing him and although my feelings of extreme pain from the loss and non-stop tears have stopped, I feel like the sadness for me has deepened to another level, almost acceptance that he really will never be coming back.

When we lose them it really does leave a hole in your heart and sometimes the loss of one pet may affect you more than losing a different pet from another time. Just know it is normal to feel upset, confused, guilty, hurt, sad and all the other emotions in between.

What I believe helped me the most were the people on here. Coming to a place where people understood what I was going through. People who cried with me, who listened to me. People who knew what its like to go through EXACTLY what I was going through. It meant the world to me. Even when I log off from this site I carry the words with me that people have said and its comforting. So continue to come on here and talk about your loss.

I also learnt that every day gets a tiny bit better and talking helps so much. Funny thing about grief is that it has a way of getting in your face so that its all you can feel sometimes. Its so important to process how you feel, to try and get through it and not mask it because it has a strange way of catching up with you. So be as vocal as you can be about how you are feeling, writing it down on here is so helpful. Even if your sentences don't make sense just write down how you feel it does wonders for your heart and mind.

And take baby steps every day, don't ever feel like you need to stop feeling the grief you are feeling.

What was your beautiful cats name?

[MyJulius]

On 5/31/2018 at 8:54 AM, AJWCat said:

"Letting go of the grief is letting go of him." - Yes. There is no doubt I was there for a while. It's all we have left. The feelings of sadness. The pit in our stomach, the heartache. Let that go and they really are gone. 

AJWCAT - hiya, yes as you may have read, I went away for a while on a trip into the mountains so I was not on here for a bit. I felt that maybe if I took a little trip to somewhere peaceful it might help to process and clear my mind a little bit. It helped in a sense that I wasn't home being reminded all the time about Julius, but the reality came back again as soon as I walked back in through my front door, but not in a bad way...

The weirdest thing about the whole trip was that I really had to keep reminding myself that Julius was gone because I kept fretting about whether he had enough food and whether he was ok. For the brief times that I had been away while Julius was still alive I always had my vet move into my place and housesit and take care of Julius until I came back home, so it was definitely a weird sensation especially at night fall and I tucked myself into bed I had to remind myself he wasn't at home and wasn't being looked after by my vet this time around. It's like old habits are still ingrained in my mind...

Am I better?? Perhaps a little. If I look at pictures of him for too long I begin crying. But the trip did give me a big opportunity just to self-reflect with no distractions. Not a moment goes by where I don't miss him, whether I'm at home or not, but I am definitely finding that my thoughts are now more about the happy moments and his silliness rather than the last few days and the struggle he had in the end. If I do catch myself thinking about those last few days I do seem to go to that 'dark place'. But mostly I am thinking about the good, not the bad. The good seems to be outshining the bad now.

Also the blame I had been carrying around seems to be moving away from me. I blamed myself for his cancer, for his kidney disease, for his diabetes, I blamed myself for everything that went wrong in the end, but all these things were not created by any one thing that I did. Bad things sometimes happen to us and to those we love and we have no control over them... not everything has to be someones fault. 

Awful things can happen... have happened, to all of us on here and we all get lost in the dark sometimes, but we are never alone in our grief. There is always someone who understands exactly what we are going through, has been through it and will guide us through those dark times. I have never felt that I was alone going through this thanks to everyone on here and that made a world of difference to me.

In the past I hid my personal grief from people, I shut myself away and felt no one could possibly understand what I may be going through and no one could help me. I always dealt with the bad things in my own way and never opened up. I've learnt now that that is the wrong way to deal with grief. Perhaps I didn't want to burden other people, or I would have felt misunderstood but talking about it has been such a comfort.

I remember when I first posted on here I was debating whether to read the replies from people because I was certain people would be telling me to, "just get over it"... I expected negative and hateful remarks because the internet is so full of angry and nasty people I expected that they may be on here as well... but reading the responses from so many kind hearted and understanding people is really healing me a lot. I even tell my friends and family who check on me about this site and how wonderful it has been in my healing process. Even writing this message to you now is helping with my healing, to get my thoughts off my chest.

Sure, I am still having dark moments but as I mentioned the good moments are outweighing the bad. I am even finding myself talking to Julius like I use to. While doing the dishes I would always have a little chit chat with him and ever since I returned home from my trip I found myself doing that again, having little chats with him, asking him for his opinion. I even went on autopilot and picked up this clean bowls off the kitchen sink and said to him, "how about we just pop your little bowls in the cupboard for a while". It took almost a month to pack them away, but I did it, with no tears and no sadness and I felt ok about it, like it was time, like Julius would not mind.

No one is immune from grief. No one! We all struggle with it at one point or another, and we may have to struggle with it again in the future... but I will tell you one thing... going through this grief and being in this 'dark place' truly does make me realize how precious life is and how important it is to tell the ones we love how much we do love them, and to show them that as well, whether its people or pets. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, and as cliche as it sounds, its important to make every day count and to be happy today.

Its strange how losing a loved one can bring clarity and remind you exactly how fragile life can be, and remind you of the importance of those around you. I think losing Julius taught me a very valuable lesson... to appreciate my loved ones just a little bit more, to appreciate my own life and to try and be as happy as I can TODAY, because I don't know what may be just around the corner tomorrow...

[KayC]

@MyJulius

I'm glad your trip was good, we've been wondering how you are doing.

It is true that experiencing loss like this shows us how fragile life is, how things can change in the blink of an eye so that we don't take life for granted again.  Bittersweet.

[Etc]

On 6/4/2018 at 7:00 PM, MyJulius said:

Etc - Hello, I just read your comments now. I went away for a few days. I just packed a bag, jumped into my car and drove for over 5 hours before I stopped driving, I couldn't stay in my home. I drove to a place with lots of peace and quiet, mountains, streams, and fresh air and stayed in a little cabin for a couple of days to try and clear my head.

I also just read your heartbreaking story as well. I am so sorry. And being devastated is completely understandable. To be honest I'm still very devastated about losing Julius. At the end of this week, it will be one month for me losing him and although my feelings of extreme pain from the loss and non-stop tears have stopped, I feel like the sadness for me has deepened to another level, almost acceptance that he really will never be coming back.

When we lose them it really does leave a hole in your heart and sometimes the loss of one pet may affect you more than losing a different pet from another time. Just know it is normal to feel upset, confused, guilty, hurt, sad and all the other emotions in between.

What I believe helped me the most were the people on here. Coming to a place where people understood what I was going through. People who cried with me, who listened to me. People who knew what its like to go through EXACTLY what I was going through. It meant the world to me. Even when I log off from this site I carry the words with me that people have said and its comforting. So continue to come on here and talk about your loss.

I also learnt that every day gets a tiny bit better and talking helps so much. Funny thing about grief is that it has a way of getting in your face so that its all you can feel sometimes. Its so important to process how you feel, to try and get through it and not mask it because it has a strange way of catching up with you. So be as vocal as you can be about how you are feeling, writing it down on here is so helpful. Even if your sentences don't make sense just write down how you feel it does wonders for your heart and mind.

And take baby steps every day, don't ever feel like you need to stop feeling the grief you are feeling.

What was your beautiful cats name?

Her name was Blue baby.  Did not want a cat,  but ended up getting her for my son.  I fell in love with her.  She greeted me every night when I came home from  a double shift.   What really bothers me is when I came home that night I was really tired and did not pay attention to her.  Then the next day she was gone.  It's been a week and the pain is still there.   Thank you.

 

[AJWCat]

Your post was amazing @MyJulius - no one can tell you how the journey of grief will be - you just get thrust in it. You do learn so much. There is so much hope but it's hard to believe or understand that in those first few days. They are so dark. The sadness is so all encompassing. I am glad you did the trip and had some time and are healing day by day. It is all we can do. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Etc said:

What really bothers me is when I came home that night I was really tired and did not pay attention to her.  Then the next day she was gone.

All of us have done that at some time or another, it's just luck of the draw that she died right after.  You could not have known it would be your last evening with her.  We all get caught up in our busy lives and sometimes we focus on them, rub their belly, give them a kiss, but other times our mind is shut down and we're not engaging.  Your kitty remembers the whole of the life you gave her, and I'd venture to say she was very happy with it.  

[MyJulius]

On 6/7/2018 at 3:30 AM, Etc said:

What really bothers me is when I came home that night I was really tired and did not pay attention to her.  

 

I am sure Baby Blue was well and truly loved, I can tell, otherwise you would not be feeling the grief you are feeling now nor be on here. 

We have all done that at one time or another, come home and felt too tired to pay attention to our kitties. Please don't beat yourself up over that but it is normal to replay the day in your head of when you lost her. I have replayed the final day in my head a thousand times of when I lost Julius. We just want a different outcome then what happened. Doing that is perfectly normal. We have all done that.

These situations always have a lot of "what ifs", that's what we do as people when faced with tough situations like this, we question ourselves and say to ourselves..."but what if". Just know its normal to ask yourself those questions. I could easily list over 100 "what ifs" about Julius right now... here are a few...

- What if he had an ultrasound a year earlier they may have found the tumor and been able to operate?

- What if his diabetes caused the cancer?

- What if he used a different brand of insulin?

- What if it was the food I fed him that made him sick?

- What if his insulin dose was too high or low?

- What if I started dialysis for his kidney disease that may have helped?

- What if I blame my vet for not discovering the tumour?

I could keep going with my what ifs forever. Its part of the grieving and healing process.

The first week is the hardest, I cried for hours non stop, but you are doing good coming on here and talking about it. It will be hard for a while but I promise you a thousand times over, it will slowly get better day by day, hour by hour.

This weekend will be a month for me losing Julius. Pain is still there, but also a lot of healing. Hang in there...

 

[MyJulius]

On 5/31/2018 at 10:42 PM, KayC said:

I say take things as they come, don't force yourself to do something you aren't ready for, if and when it's the time to pack up things, you'll know, and it doesn't have to be everything at once. 

KAYC - I agree. And I am definitely taking it as it comes. Some things felt right to pack them away, while others I'm not quite ready just now. 

I know I keep saying I will never get another cat, but the thought has popped into my head and I also thought that if I did adopt another cat I would have to buy everything new again because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing another cat using Julius' things. But then I thought to myself it could be a sweet way to remember Julius, a new cat using his bowls and water fountain etc. And I could tell the new kitty stories about Julius as well... they're just thoughts at this moment though, that's all.

I did have a bad moment yesterday. I had received an email from a friend who had heard I lost Julius and so they set me a lovely email hoping I was ok. I replied back and I thought it would be a nice idea to add a pic of Julius to my email reply. Boy did the tears start flowing when I went though pictures of him. I had to stop looking at the pics as my eyes were so blurry from tears I could no longer see the screen. That took me a while to calm down from that one. I took photos of Julius on a daily basis so my phone gallery is filled with pics of him... it hurts to look at them.

Boy, life can be such a struggle sometimes, can't it? My path of grief seems like a long road, but at least I'm not walking it alone, I have you guys here who understand exactly what I'm going through...

[KayC]

14 hours ago, MyJulius said:

Boy did the tears start flowing when I went though pictures of him. I had to stop looking at the pics as my eyes were so blurry from tears I could no longer see the screen.

I feel that way still from the loss of my husband and it's been 13 years on the 19th of June!  I have pictures up on the wall and find comfort in looking up at them.  But we had these large sideways file drawers that we each kept our mementos and sentimental things in, and there I have pictures, his funeral notice and bulletin, sympathy cards from people, his family pictures, etc., and if I start going through them, oh man!  It's just too hard, although I have done it a few times over the years.  It's weird what will set you off and what won't.  I still have his hat hanging on a hook, his holder where he tossed his keys, etc.  I still have his robe hanging up and like to hold it sometimes.  But I got rid of most of his clothes, wallet, etc. years ago.  Some things we can let go of and some things we can't and it doesn't necessarily seem to make rhyme or reason what.  

I still have my late dog's leashes.  They're a remembrance, not that I plan on using them again.  I still have Miss Mocha's food dish. 

Gosh this is hard!  No matter how much time goes by, we still remember.

[MyJulius]

On 6/8/2018 at 11:30 PM, KayC said:

 Some things we can let go of and some things we can't and it doesn't necessarily seem to make rhyme or reason what.  

 

KayC - I have not been on for a while but I have been thinking about everyone on here. I have been sorting out my head space basically. I hope you managed to make it through June 19 ok this year. I know that would have been a tough day for you. The anniversary of my fathers death is always a difficult day for me but I have 4 siblings who share in the pain and we get together every year on the anniversary of his death which makes it a bit easier. I hope you had someone to lean on for support if you needed it. I'm sure your husband was a wonderful man, and he is still with you every day, right by your side, guiding you along. I believe that!

Personally, I have been having good and bad days the last 2 weeks or so. Its coming up to 6 weeks now and I am still getting reminders all the time. Just yesterday a new neighbor of mine thought she would pop over and introduce herself and we were at the door chatting and she saw Julius' bed near the front door (I still haven't moved his bed) and she started shrieking with excitement asking if I had a cat or a dog, and lets just say it ended in a few tears for me and she was very sorry. Its reminders like that I struggle with. And I also had to cancel Julius pet insurance this week and obviously the call centre has a script they need to say when they answer the phone and have your details and before I could explain what my call was about the caller on the other end said, "And how is Julius doing today, I hope he is well." It was a bit insensitive actually because I am sure I'm not the first person who is calling up to cancel their policy over a pets death so they shouldn't just come right out and say things like that.

And it's true what you say, "Some things we can let go of and some others we can't." I am finding that I am not holding onto anything of his that reminds me of his illness or his diabetes but rather holding on to the items that have good memories, his favourite bedding, his bowls etc

I also had the most tremendous dream about Julius just two nights ago, it put me in a great mood the entire day. In my dream he was so happy and healthy, like when he was a young kitten. He was covering me in kisses and smooching up to my face and rubbing his fluff all over me. It was such a wonderful dream. I know I have been dreaming about him most nights but I usually can't remember the dreams in the morning but for some reason I remembered every detail of that one. Really made my entire day. It also felt so real which was what made it so special. The weirdest thing about all of it is that when I got out of bed in the morning, I went to walk out of my bedroom and right there in the middle of the doorway was one of his whiskers on the floor, he had a habit of shedding his long white whiskers. That whisker had not been there for the previous 6 weeks so I have no idea where it came from. I picked it up and placed it into the pewter chest with his ashes.

One thing I do find myself thinking about is the fact that he had that pancreatic cancer for over a year inside him slowly growing and there were no symptoms of it. Pancreatic cancer is a strange one, just as it is in humans it is the same in animals, the symptoms don't start to show until the final days, when nothing can be done. Its frightening. I guess thinking about things like that is just trying to make sense of it and wishing for a different outcome.

[KayC]

I can relate...when my husband died, the first thing I got rid of was his work clothes, thermos, coffee mug they gave him, etc because i felt they were culpable in highly contributing to his death, I didn't want that around, just like you didn't want reminders of anything associated with Julius' death.

I'm so sorry about the experience with your neighbor and also the pet insurance.  Your neighbor couldn't have known, but like you said, you can't be the first person to call to cancel insurance due to death.  Very hard.  At least you don't have it to go through again.

I made it through George's death day, although this entire month is horrid, start to finish. I've been very ill...started with inner and outer canal ear infections 5/31, they put me on three Rxs, and I had adverse reactions to two of them.  Toughed it out through the ten days. A few days later I went back to the doctor because of symptoms presenting (severe pain throughout my system that reminded me of when I got parasites 20 years ago only this was worse and unrelenting) AND (redness, swelling, itching outer ear) and he put me back on the ear drops. He'd first told me they were decongestants, no, they were steroids and antibiotics.  I was having an adverse reaction to not only the oral antibiotic but also to the ear drops.  Turns out you are supposed to DISCONTINUE USE if the redness, swelling, itching presents, and if you're on them longer than ten days (I was on them 16 days) it can cause permanent ear damage.  I was never so mad at a doctor, talk about incompetent!  I'm still trying to recover.

Also, car quit, had to get another one, drive five hours, spend four hours there dealing with paperwork, info about car, getting insurance added on, etc., and the next day spent the entire day at the auto place getting battery recharged four hours, that didn't work, so had to buy a new battery $167. 

Then my refrigerator went out.  5 years old!  Called for repair, they couldn't come for weeks, couldn't wait that long so bought a new one, had to pay $110 for delivery but it's coming tomorrow.  So I've spent all day trying to clean out the freezer, will do the refrigerator part last minute.  Of course I'm losing a lot of food.  

To top it off, my sister is severely injured six weeks now and my son is having digestive problems (it'll be lifelong) they're still trying to figure it all out, both need MRIs (he inherited it from his dad), worried about both of them and trying to coax my sister through taking charge of her health, she's very passive with doctors, etc.

All this while I'm deathly sick.  I haven't had a day of rest all month!  Personally, I can't wait for June to be over.  And my good watch quit working, took it for repair twice only to find out they can't get parts for it so had to go on line to find a replacement watch, hours of research.

I mean this month just doesn't quit!  Thankfully Kitty and Arlie are doing fairly well, Arlie is having a bit of Colitis, and Kitty some age-related issues, but other than that...trying to keep her away from the family of skunks that made their abode in our back yard.

You can't make this stuff up as the comedians would say.

7 hours ago, MyJulius said:

I also had the most tremendous dream about Julius just two nights ago, it put me in a great mood the entire day. In my dream he was so happy and healthy, like when he was a young kitten. He was covering me in kisses and smooching up to my face and rubbing his fluff all over me. It was such a wonderful dream. I know I have been dreaming about him most nights but I usually can't remember the dreams in the morning but for some reason I remembered every detail of that one. Really made my entire day. It also felt so real which was what made it so special. The weirdest thing about all of it is that when I got out of bed in the morning, I went to walk out of my bedroom and right there in the middle of the doorway was one of his whiskers on the floor, he had a habit of shedding his long white whiskers. That whisker had not been there for the previous 6 weeks so I have no idea where it came from. I picked it up and placed it into the pewter chest with his ashes.

This is the stuff we hold onto, the memories, the reminders of good days, good things we shared...and who knows but what he didn't move his whisker where you would find it, his message to you that he still exists and you're still in his heart.  There are many things we cannot explain, I've learned to accept them on faith and it's stuff like that which keeps me going.

Hugs!

[AJWCat]

Oh my gosh @KayC that is awful, I really am sorry to hear all of what you are dealing with. It reminds me of the month we lost our C cat. My husband and I and both been in the emergency room twice + losing him + our business was having issues, it is like it rains it pours. 

@MyJulius I actually emailed our vet after his death (I was too upset to call) who never bothered to even respond or send a note card. I could not believe it. So I know how it is to have people not handle things well. Six weeks... like you I made some progress by then but still and had serious grief at some point everyday. Often when I would climb into bed because he'd jump in with me to cuddle. I am so glad you had such a nice visit - in the dream. I would love to have that someday though I fear I never will almost at a year now.    

 

[KayC]

It's just not quitting.  They delivered the refrigerator, but failed to level it and when you open the door, the whole refrigerator comes flying at you!  When you close the door, it flies into the wall!  I live out in the country, they aren't going to come back just for that, so that means I'll have to pay someone to level it as I can't get on my knees and can't even see what I'm dealing with (my eyes are troublesome, that's one reason I retired when I did).  

Then my washing machine started leaking under it.  The only repairman in town is a crook and it's not worth getting someone from 60 miles away to charge their exhorbitant rates.  When it gets bad enough I'll have to buy a new one.  At least it shouldn't be as much hassle as the refrigerator or even the car!

11 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I actually emailed our vet after his death (I was too upset to call) who never bothered to even respond or send a note card.

Unfiggenbelievable!  Wow!  I tell you, most vets today are "big business" and not in it for the caring.  Gone are the James Herriots!

I like the vet I found a year ago, but I've been glad we haven't had to go to the vet lately except for shots.  Found blood in Arlie's stool but I know the Rx they give for that he can't tolerate, so have him on pumpkin/ckn breast/white rice to let his system heal.  Colitis is never ending!

 

[MyJulius]

On 6/24/2018 at 10:16 PM, KayC said:

It's just not quitting. 

 

KayC - you really are having some rotten luck going on. If it makes you feel any better I had a terrible bad streak as well, Julius passing away was about half way through my bad streak, but I think my bad luck streak has passed now, touch wood. So at some point your luck has to turn good again. 

Part of my bad luck was someone in a parking lot flying out of their car spot without looking and slamming into the side of my car. All his fault, he didn't deny it, my car was sent off for 6 weeks of repair. I had it back for 3 days and SLAM, exact same thing happened again. And once again not my fault all over again. I mean really, you can't write this stuff in movies, no one would believe it. That was about 1% of my bad luck streak. But hang in there, your luck will change. it sounds cliche but try and think positive. It's amazing how your thoughts can make things happen.

Today was a really bad day for me, and that's why I jumped on here to remind myself that I wasn't alone. I just pulled into the grocery store parking lot and all of a sudden my thoughts about Julius became very dark and sad so I parked the car and just sat there crying. I couldn't get out of the car and shop because my eyes were in such a red state I just drove home and sat on the lounge and cried. Then I sat near Julius' basket and cried. And then I did something I had been putting off since he passed away almost 7 weeks ago. I must have been wanting to punish myself or something because after 7 weeks I finally went into his little bedroom and then into his bathroom and saw that the morning he passed away he had obviously gone to the loo and flicked little litter pellets everywhere. And that set me off, realizing I was looking at the last time he did his little litter scratch and flicked his pellets everywhere like he use to love to do. And I also got another reminder of how sick he must have been that morning as there was a terrible vomit dried up which he must have done. The bathroom has ventilation so there has been no smell in case you were wondering, however the worst is that he must have stepped in his wet litter on that last morning because there was a trail of his paw prints on the tiles leading out the bathroom door. I really didn't need to see that. Anyway, I cried, and I cried and I sat there in a heap just crying looking at those paw prints. Didn't stop crying for at least 2 hours. 

Once I stopped, I had a shower and jumped on here. It's 7 weeks this weekend. I thought I was handling things ok, but I know I had been putting off going into his bathroom for those last 7 weeks and that when I did it was going to be difficult. I really don't feel any better that I did it. Quite frankly, it feels like he passed away only yesterday all over again.

 

[MyJulius]

On 6/24/2018 at 10:38 AM, AJWCat said:

 

@MyJulius I actually emailed our vet after his death (I was too upset to call) who never bothered to even respond or send a note card. I could not believe it. So I know how it is to have people not handle things well. Six weeks... like you I made some progress by then but still and had serious grief at some point everyday. Often when I would climb into bed because he'd jump in with me to cuddle. I am so glad you had such a nice visit - in the dream. I would love to have that someday though I fear I never will almost at a year now.    

 

AJWCat - Vets are very very very hit and miss. More miss than hit. And most come off as having zero compassion. I think I wrote about it to @KayC that putting animals to sleep is like having a cup of coffee to most vets. A lot of them don't care and don't get emotionally invested in every case which is astonishingly sad. Vets should have to do mandatory grief management or something while at college because too many of them care very little. Don't take it personally. If it helps send another email telling them how upset you are that you never got a response.

Oh I'm sure you could have a dream about Courage if you asked him. Before going to sleep just ask him to come and visit you and tell him you need to see him. Make sure he is your last thought as you drift off to sleep. It may take a few days of doing that but you will see him if you ask I bet. And he will look so happy and healthy.

I actually had an even better dream than the one I recently had. Julius had a very distinct and loud trill. I think it was about 4 days ago in the middle of the night I heard that trill as clear as day as if he was sitting right next to my ear and he did it really LOUD on purpose to wake me. I woke bolt upright and searched the bed for him. I wasn't distraught, I was very comforted by it. And I don't care what anyone says but I am 100% sure he was in my bedroom that night, I could sense him there, I felt that right away when his trill woke me up and I looked for him, I think I even said out loud, 'You're here aren't you Julius" before going to sleep. Spooky thing is when I woke that morning, something told me to look at the floor where I found the whisker last time, and lo and behold, what's sitting in the exact same spot where I found that whisker you ask?? A little chunk of his fur and also a few litter pellets. Ok that floor had been hoovered the day prior and I couldn't have dragged it in under my feet, kitty litter pellets feel like lego when you step on them, so how did it get there? My imagination or something more??

[MyJulius]

25 minutes ago, MyJulius said:

 

 

 

[KayC]

MyJulius,

I'm sorry you had such a hard time, memories and triggers can be hard to get through. 

I don't really think about bad luck being a streak that will keep coming, but more try to take it one thing at a time, still, when the hits keep coming you feel like yelling SLOW DOWN! because you feel at your limit and need a breather.  Just trying to tackle things one day at a time.  The medicine I got bad reactions to, one of them finally cleared up, but the other is still affecting me although it seems to be lessening. Now to get all the car issues resolved!  

There are things we can't explain like your visit from Julius, but all the same that doesn't make them any less real, there is so much more than this world and so much more that goes on that we don't know or understand, I've learned to accept these things and like you, draw comfort from them when it happens.  

 

[AJWCat]

Hey @MyJulius I appreciate your post and you are right, I need to focus on asking C to visit me. I read your post and KayC is correct as usual. Patience. I know that for me at 7 weeks was still very raw. Not every day... but then BAM, you get hit like you did. I was right there with you in your story and I would have lost it too. I am nearing a year soon and even with my crazy new kitty, which is so wonderful - but I do still miss our guy. For some awful reason I flash on the end, the last hours. Even now with the distance of time, my heart breaks. I am glad you came here though in your time of need. It has helped me so so much too.   

[MyJulius]

On 7/1/2018 at 6:40 AM, AJWCat said:

I know that for me at 7 weeks was still very raw. 

@AJWCat oh gosh this was such a relief for me to read. I was questioning myself this weekend why I am still not over losing Julius. And I was wondering if other people grieve just as long. It still feels very raw for me as well. And I am the same as you, just having flashbacks of the final hours and days.

I replay his final morning in my head all the time. He was put to sleep just after 8am but I remember I stayed awake from 2am in the morning onwards when I found he managed to jump on my bed, which I still believe was a little miracle and looking back it was his way of saying goodbye to me. I literally replay every second of those last hours over and over daily. I sometimes get too deep inside my own head and when I catch myself doing that I have to tell myself to stop and basically, 'think happy thoughts.'

Our grief really does depend on how attached we are to them. I feel like a lot of people can just shrug off the death of a pet and appear to move on the next day, whereas it takes some others a little longer. I don't think I will ever be over losing Julius, I will just learn to live with it. I lost pets before in my childhood, many pets actually, but none have affected me as much as losing him.

Where ever Courage and Julius may be right now, I hope they found each other and comforted one another, just as our words on here to each other have comforted us.

[KayC]

There is no expiration date on grief.  It's dependent on the relationship, the closeness, the love, whether human or animal, we can grieve a lifetime.  Somewhere along the way we do get more used to the situation and learn to adjust, but we continue missing them.  I am still grieving my granddoggy, Skye, nearly five years later.  I am still grieving my cat, Miss Mocha, two years later.  Always I will grieve my husband, George.  People that think we should be over it, they haven't a clue.  Perhaps they didn't have pets, or perhaps they weren't as close to theirs, I don't know, but for those of us who had such a bond, we know we'll never "be over it", we just try to live with it as best as we can.

[AJWCat]

I hope they have too!   That said, I feel that my heart was totally broken when we lost C cat. And it somehow repaired but believe me the crack is still there. The pain can be easily tapped into if I "go there." I do sometimes and I fight it off. It sounds like you are the same with Julius and may be for some time. 

I think a lot of people grieve a while but they suffer alone. You would not know it if you looked at this forum either. People come and go and that is okay. They get what they need. For me, I try to give the help I got when I arrived.   

[KayC]

15 hours ago, AJWCat said:

For me, I try to give the help I got when I arrived.   

Me too, AJW.  It's lent purpose to the suffering, and I want to be there for others going through it, I do not know what I'd have done if not for the grief forum when I went through my loss.