It has been a while

[Brendan's Dad]

Hello everyone.  It has been so long since my last post.  It has now been nearly eight years since I lost my seven year old son Brendan in a snowmobile accident.  It is fair to say my life has been full of ups and downs the past few years.  My wife and I were not able to get through this together.  We divorced about two years ago.  I had a very hard time letting go of the fact that she let him go on that snowmobile.  I feel guilt every single day for allowing my family to fall apart and now have to live with being a dad with 50-50 custody of his two boys.  It is weird that after eight years I still cry almost every day.  I still visit his grave at least three days a week and I still battle depression every day.  There have been times where I thought I was getting over the hump, but each time I end up falling back down.  I hide my grief from everybody.  I hate bringing people down so I do my grieving in private.  I really hoped that some day i would be the person or the man I used to be.  Now I am just the man that broke up his family because he wasn't strong enough to handle the pain of this loss.  

I just don't know where to go from here.  I have a 12 year old boy with significant special needs and a six year old son who reminds me of Brendan every day.  Why can't I be happy for what I do have rather than being so sad about what I do not?  I am sorry for rambling.  I guess I haven't talked to anyone in so long about how I am feeling inside.  Almost eight years later and i still feel broken.  

Brendan's Daddy

[My girl is in heaven]

Brendan’s dad.  I am almost 7 years in. My very healthy 17 year old daughter suddenly collapsed in the shower and died. They think maybe a sudden cardiac arrthymia, but nothing really stood out.  I am so so sorry for the loss of your dear boy.  I know what u mean about hiding your grief from everybody.  Besides unless u are talking to another grieving parent , other people don’t really care or get it.  They just don’t.  Don’t beat yourself up, you have not failed at anything.  Losing my child has changed my relationship with everyone in my life and I can’t help it, that’s just the way it is.  I go back and forth all the time too and even just recently thought maybe I had turned a corner. But there are so many triggers ready to rip off that loosely formed scar that sits every so gently on your heart.  I have two surviving sons too and as much as we love and care about them, there is still that big hole left for the one that is gone. I very gingerly walk thru each day. As you probably know most of the time it feels less more existing not really living.  But still we some how manage to drag ourselves thru.  If you go to loss of an adult child then go to the last page arrow, should be around 2531, that is where we all post for children of any age.  You will find a whole host of wonderful compassionate and understanding parents who totally get what your going thru.  You can post as much or as little as you want and we will all be there for you.  If you want to email me my email address is ltaylor50@rogers.com.  My name is Luanne and I will do anything I can to help you.  Take care dear friend. Please reach out any time.  

[Tommy's mum]

brendan's dad I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your precious boy. You know it does not matter how many years since the loss of your child it is a lifetime of sadness because they were so precious and should be with you instead of being in another world. It is obvious that you forced a lot down and tried to keep going for your family and now that unresolved grief is resurfacing. Grief can only be kept at bay for a period of time, and at ant time in your life when you are emotionally weakened it comes out.Many marriages break under the strain and anguish especially if there is guilt or feeling responsible even if it is misplaced. Now is the time to change things up and you have taken the first step in joining a forum for support and advice well done you. The next step is to seek some professional help like a bereavement therapist. Someone you feel comfortable with to open up and examine everything that happened that day and since then. You lost your son and then the family unit no surprise you have depression and sadness. Your marriage broke because you and your wife could not handle each other's grief. Men tend to turn feelings inwards to cope and be the "strong" leader of the family looking after everyone else and neglecting their own mental health because that is the role that is "expected" for men. They also grieve mainly initially with anger. Women tend to let emotions show more but also neglect their emotions because of the children. It makes a very toxic emotional mess with everyone swirling in different directions and many families split up because of the huge stressors. it is important to deal with your delayed grief reaction first. It will be difficult and painful to revisit that day and the days since but eventually you will begin to heal from that day.Once your son's death has been processed and that takes time and strength to do, you can then look at your feelings about your marriage break up and hopefully be able to move forwards more positively. My 24 yr old son was killed in 2015 and I am still getting through it week by week, some weeks are pretty ok then I hit a bump and fall again and then get back up it is a tiring journey. Luanne has contacted you because she too has delayed grief reaction so knows exactly how you feel trying to deal with it all so much further on. All of us post on the page Loss of an Adult child by Mom of Justin which is at the top of the main page and has the most replies. All the parents gather there to keep us all together and get quicker replies. It is for parents who have lost a child of any age and by any reason there are some other fathers who post sometimes and Moms who all give help support and advice because we have all been there and know the pain you are feeling. Please join us there and just post.Some are newer to the grief journey others are more seasoned veterans of grieving but we all understand where you are. take care, Lesley

 

[Brendan's Dad]

Thank you both so much for the kind words and support.  It feels different to talk to people who truly understand what I am feeling.  I will be sure to check out that other location in the loss of an adult child page.  Thank you so much for reaching out.  

[Tommy's mum]

you are welcome we are all in this together and it is easier with some support and understanding. Please join us on Loss of an Adult Child by Mom of Justin and post there. I would like to hear more about your precious little Brendan if you feel upto sharing? It is so important to be able to talk about your spirit child. Over time other people forget or avoid talking about them because they are afraid of making us upset but we want to talk about them because they will always be our child and part of our families.