So Much Anger

[theRTRP]

I grew up in the Philippines and my grandparents spent 20+ years in the US. December 2016, my grandparents decided to come home and stay with us. After just a few days here my grandma complained of chest pain, we rushed her to the hospital but the test results showed no heart attack but of pneumonia instead. She was in the hospital for two weeks and I spent my vacation leave with her 24/7, taking care of her. After we went home she asked me not go back to work. I had to leave my dream job, a licensed respiratory therapist in one if the most prestigious hospital in my country. I had hoped that I can go back once my grandma was strong enough again, I thought it was gonna be uphill from there. She kept asking me to stay home with her. I did, willingly but at the back of my mind I always had this thought of failure. After graduating on top of my class here I am, without a job. But I did my best to enjoy the company of my grandma after all it was the only time I got with her. 2nd week of April 2017 my grandma developed high grade fever and no matter what I do I can't bring it down. We rushed her to the hospital and they discovered then that she had end stage liver cirrhosis. We were in and out of the hospital 4 times none shorter than 2 weeks for 3 months. On July 11th, 2017 I awoke to her ice cold and lifeless hand  in mine. 

I felt angry, I still feel so much anger at everything and everyone. Yes, even towards my grandma. Childish, I know, but I can't help it. 

I feel angry because I thought I'd have my grandma longer. I'm angry because when I was taking care of my grandma people around me forgot me. No one was there to ask how I was holding up taking care of my grandma round the clock alone. I was an emotional wreck but I tried my best to look happy for my grandma, I didn't want her to blame herself. I am angry because there was nothing I could do when at work I saved lives. I'm angry because while people were clamoring for my job I left it just as I was about to get a higher rank, I don't blame anyone, It was my choice I just think it unfair that it has to happen to my grandma. I'm angry because I saw myself successful, yet I was out of a job, my classmates already getting promoted. I'm angry at my grandma because she left me all alone, no one to talk to about how I feel. I'm angry at my family cause they shunned me to the side after my grandma's death, they pretended I was okay, they didn't want to talk to me, they ignored the fact that I suffered silently alone for 7 months and that I was the person who woke up next to her dead grandma. That I was the one who checked her vital signs to make sure she was really gone.

Seven months on I still feel so angry, no one knows I still cry at night, that I'm afraid of silence because then this crushing sadness overtakes me. 

 

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry I didn't notice your post before now. I can certainly see how you are angry; often people are angry when a loved one dies. It's a very normal part of grieving. 

That being said, I, too, have been angry angry angry over the death of my father at times. I have been angry at the death of others in my life. I ask myself all kinds of questions, and I end up driving myself crazy over it all. 

Sometimes just venting to others helps. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[theRTRP]

Thank you so much ModKonnie. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is also experienced by others. And thanks for sharing your experience. 

 

[MollieMcDoodlesMom]

Dear the RTRP,

I recently saw your post about giving up your dream job to care for your beloved grandmother . Such an act of self sacrifing love is to be commended. I’m grateful you had a chance to spend some quality time with her before her passing away . I am terribly sorry for your loss. 

I’ve had several family members and friends pass away and I’d like to extend to you something that has helped me during such difficult times. It is a simple brochure which gives advice and tips on how to cope with our loss and understand our emotions better, even the anger you have been experiencing. 

https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&pub=we&srcid=share

Please feel free to contact me if you would like some words of encouragement, it is never a bother to reach out for comfort .

Sincerely,

Frances 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

The loving actions you took and showed your grandma are so amazing. It’s clear you loved each other dearly and I’m so sorry for your loss. You have also shown your grandmother such beautiful respect. Not everyone is capable of what you did and I think you are so brave. Although everyone’s grief is individual, I too have experienced and am experiencing the isolation you describe in my journey. I have anger similar to what you describe. I’m writing my feelings out in a journal to help dissipate them. It’s hard to start, but once I do, I write pages and have a good exhausting cry and I have some relief. One of the most painful things that are hard for others to understand is what it’s like to be the one who witness’ the loved ones death and the immediate moments following. Adjustments to your life that you made and the depth of your love for the one who died. Continue to hang in there. One day good memories will start to be the mainstay in your thoughts. We are here and we care.

Best,

Nicole

[reader]

Dear theRTRP,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the loss of your beloved grandmother. You were a very loving granddaughter to care for her.

I know its extremely hard when family members drop off and don't show any support.

Please know you are not alone.

Thinking of you.