Lost my 18 year old daughter to sepsis

[Broken Mum]

Hope I'm now in the right forum!

I lost my daughter on the 5th January 2018, she had flu, we all had flu, hers went to pneumonia and sepsis, the symptoms were identical to flu so it went undiagnosed until too late.  We had coughs so bad that we had cracked ribs, which was agony, her pain was assumed to be the same.  I took her to the doctors on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Jan, I slept with her all night on the 4th, I don't want to go into detail, it's way too painful, but by morning she vomited and was struggling to speak, this was the first time any symptom differed to our flu, it all happened so fast from there, doctor, ambulance, helicopter, panic.  She was diagnosed with pneumonia as soon as we got to the hospital, I remember the relief, she was so poorly but accepted reassurances that all would be well, she was transferred to Intensive Care for immediate treatment, as they were taking her up she took a turn for the worse and the nightmare began, running alongside her, watching her panic, she was asking them if she was ok and they couldn't answer because they were all too busy, she was pleading with me not to leave her and I was promising that I wouldn't, she kept saying she had never been this ill before, and begging me not to leave, I didn't, I stayed, they drifted her off to sleep, she was ventilated, on a kidney machine, tubes everywhere, monitors, lots going on, 8 people working on her, she went into cardiac arrest and had to be given CPR, they worked on her for 2 hours but to no avail.  I kept my promise, I stayed, I will be eternally grateful to them for allowing me to do so, I only hope she knew I was there, they say hearing is the last sense to go when we die, I hope that's right because if it is she would have heard me shouting at her to fight, telling her I loved her.  When she passed away I remember hearing a dreadful noise, one that I had never heard before, it took a while for me to realise that it was me.  I cried and wailed and hugged her, the staff all hugging me and saying it was  absoloutely tragic.  They took me to a room and made me tea and a nurse sat with me, they asked if I would like to go back in after she had been washed, had she passed away peacefully in bed I would have refused as I would prefer to remember her as she was, but having seen such dreadful images I needed to see her clean and at peace, so I said yes.  I was taken through and allowed to lie beside her, I can't even begin to describe the feeling, to lie and hug her cold lifeless body, and kiss her beautiful face, and apologise for failing her, messing up and not getting there fast enough.  I'm broken beyond repair.  As if this wasn't enough there had to be a post mortem, I wasn't given a choice, she already looked as if she had suffered a car accident and now would be damaged further.  I was divorced 4 years ago so am home with my 16 year old son, who has lost his sister and needs my support.  I can honestly say that if I didn't have him I would no longer be here.  This pain is unbearable and only gets worse.  Everyone said I was brave, and was incredible with my funeral organising and everything else I had going on.  I wasn't brave at all, I was just in shock.  Now for everyone else it is all over, for me it's just the start and I really don't want to be here any longer, yet I know my son needs me, and eventually this will pass, or so they tell me, I will learn to live around it and be happy again.  I can't see it yet so I'll carry on supporting my wonderful son, and feeling this unbelievable pain, knowing that I will never see my amazing, beautiful, intelligent daughter again.  She was taking a gap year before University, thank goodness she did, otherwise she would have never experienced any adult life outside School.  I'll never see her graduate, never celebrate her first job, first house, wedding, children and everything most families have.  I love my Son so very much, as I did my beautiful girl.  I really don't know how to carry on from here, I'm absoloutely broken, it's wrong on every level, I wish it had been me in her place, because she had so much to give and her whole life ahead of her.  

[MargeeTx]

Oh, BrokenMum:  I can only imagine the heartache, pain, disbelief, and agony that you are feeling, especially after witnessing the staff working on your precious daughter as she was 'crashing'.  Many of us here are nurses, so we REALLY know what that event is.  For some reason, I have wished that I could have been present when they tried to save my son's life...then again, I am not sure I could have managed it.  I can only tell you one thing at this point-one month and one day since Jason died--you will have feelings and thoughts that you would have never thought that you would.  I thought I KNEW about grief... well, I knew it for others.  I have even felt and mourned for my parents and 3 siblings.  But nothing in my life has ever felt like this.  I am giving new meaning to the 'twilight zone'. I don't feel as if I am living.  It is as if my body is on auto response...nothing feels real. Nothing.  Love your son.  I have Jason's twin sister and his younger brother, and they need me, just as your beloved son needs you.   Come here often.  It does help to talk with others who do understand and care.  Bless you.  XXOO margarett

[SAMANTHA ANT'S MA]

 Broken mum, I am so sorry for your precious loss. I will say you have come to a great support place. Where people understand this unbearable pain. Just so you know, I don't have much advice to give but I have an ear to listen & I can send a great big message hug. I am also a newbie here.   I feel your pain & can relate to how you feel. I loss my son Anthony on January 12, 2018. In a car accident. The people on this site are absolutely great.

[Liss]

Broken mum I know what you mean when you say the noise came from you when your beautiful girl left- I too made that sound when policeman came to door and told me my girl had died. So many little things you remember- it’s like it’s ingrained in your soul. My daughter too had an autopsy and that was worse. I don’t know if I will ever get through shock and pain of my beautiful girl not being here. She has a twin brother who had car accident in 2015 and is in wheelchair and tbi. He doesn’t understand why she’s gone. He is only reason I am going on. I feel your pain. It is comforting to know that other people know how I feel. I feel so alone. My friends and family sorta keep away from me. I don’t think they know wat to do. I hope that you find peace in your heart. Some days I think I see signs from my girl. Do you see any? All my prayers to you

sasha rose’s mum

[Tommy's mum]

liss I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter sasha Rose it is a pain no parent should feel, ever. Please join us on loss of an adult child by Mom of Justin it is the thread at the top of the page with the most views. Post there and we will find and support you. We are all bereaved parents trying to navigate through life without our child/children and understand the loss when others have moved on and don't get that we will grieve forever. Broken mum and Liss an autopsy is to determine the cause of death nothing more and is a legal requirement. Both your beautiful girls had already left this earth along with their spirit which is everything that made them the people they were. The body is just an empty shell left behind. My 24 yr old son also had an autopsy but because I am a former nurse I was accepting of it. I know the total care and respect shown by the staff to maintain your child's dignity and privacy at all times.The staff are deeply touched when it is a child or young person and I have seen the gentle hair caress, face touch, or hand squeeze given as they tuck them in. staff often bow their head in sorrow or say a private blessing because they understand the tragedy of a life taken too soon.

liss there are signs from beyond, subtle but definite, and you should tuck those in your heart safely. It must be so hard for you to explain to her twin where she is when the tbi makes it hard for him to understand. Your family have already been struck hard by his accident it does not seem fair at all that you have now lost your girl. If you join us on the thread I mentioned above we will make sure neither of you are coping on your own even when other family and friends drift away. here you can talk about your children and celebrate them with us and share your experiences of grieving.

 

[Mumtogeorge]

Oh brokenmom.i have just seen your post....you poor poor thing..i feel your pain..i feel your not wanting to carry on except for your boy....we lost our boy 7 march...it feels like yesterday but  also months ago...some days i feel.like i havent moved on..others im  battling on..im.with you lovely lady xxxxx