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My boyfriend thinks i'm determined to wallow in grief


miss ellipsis

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miss ellipsis

My dad passed away just recently — 20 days ago. I've been such a mess ever since my dad left. While I'm not exactly a daddy's girl, I became quite attached to him because aside from my mom, I was his primary caregiver for almost a year and a half. I live with my parents and waking up each day knowing that my dad is no longer around still fills me with so much sadness. 

I struggled to get back to work (I telecommute) a few days after my dad's death and it's been an ordeal. I was able to log a few hours of work the past two weeks, which I told my boyfriend I would try my best to do so. However, just yesterday I skipped an online conference because I just wanted to sleep and sleep — it was one of those "low" days when I just didn't want to get up from bed and deal with the world. I hibernated for two days and now my BF is pissed at me because I wasn't responding to his messages right away (he was just checking up on me; I should have had the decency to tell him I wasn't in the mood to chat). 

He also thinks I'm not doing anything to help myself (I have clinical depression), that I'm "milking" being the grieving daughter, that I'm determined to wallow in grief, that I'm just using my dad's death as an excuse to be lazy and skip work.

I do not know what to do anymore. I am starting to doubt myself and my feelings. Am I subconsciously prolonging my grief and self-sabotaging my recovery? What if I am really being selfish and inconsiderate and self-absorbed? What if he's right after all?

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Dear miss ellipsis,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved dad. Losing a parent is so tough. Grief hits us all very hard. It is not something that we can snap out of, we all have good days and bad days.

I'm sure your boyfriend is sad to see you in so much pain. And maybe it did not come out the right way. He could be scared you are going to get deeper and deeper and he doesn't want that to happen. My family had this concern too.

If you feel like it maybe seek out more support in the community or through church. Speak to a grief counsellor or join a support group. I also find these websites helpful in understanding my grief.

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Grief Recovery Method.

It is still very early in your grief. My one counsellor told me it could take anywhere from 12 to 18 months for the pain to lessen or up to 5 years to accept my new reality. It won't be an easy journey but we all have to try.

It was hard for me too. But I tried to at least get up wash my face, brush my teeth and go to work. It is better for the body to go through the motions of life even when we don't want to. Sometimes I cried before work and sometimes after, but I tried to keep going each day.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

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miss ellipsis

Thank you. Thank you so much. I have started going to counselling and it is helping. I have also talked it out with my boyfriend and you're right, he was just worried about me.

I cannot express how grateful I am for your reply. Your words have given me comfort I did not know I need.

God bless you. Sending thoughts, prayers, and good vibes your way as well.

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Dear miss ellipsis,

Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I appreciate them a lot.

Glad the counselling is helping.

Take care of yourself. Please know we here with you.

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