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My dog died I can't get over it. I don't think I wanna live anymore


rari

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It'll take time to build the bond with her.  Spend time with her and treat her with love, the early puppy days can be a lot of time/work, but the payoff will come.  Try to trust the process.

I'm assuming your profile picture is your dog, very sweet cute face.

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Inangermanagement2021

Hi Rari

I just came across your post. I know it was over 2 years ago but how are you doing? 

I lost my dog on the same month from the same condition and spent a couple of grand trying to help him. I tried everything. He died when he suddenly took a turn for the worse and when I went to pick him up from the vets agree they told me he wouldn't last the night and I didn't want him to put asleep there but at home with me, he died. I died with him that night. I've just wanted to die still do. Now I was told I have early cancer and I'm thinking this is my way out. But like you I got another dog and a really don't know why. He's cute and he is looked after but I'm completely dead inside and feel guilty for having him. It's been the worst experience of my life and believe me no one would want what I've gone through all my life. But as cheesy as this sounds, he showed me how to love and bright peace to my life. 

I get heart pains and I can't breath still not believing he's not here. I brought him back home when when he died. The vet brought him out to me cute of covid and cus of covid he didn't see me before he died. The vet put him in my arms and wailed crying out his name. I'm hoping he heard me. I'm crying writing my experience to you but your post mirrored mine done to the month your sweet dog died to still grieving.

I don't have any words to help you cus I need help myself. But for the dog you have now, I hope you have many happy years to come in tribute to your beloved previous dog. Take care.

 

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I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel stuck back at the day he died.  I understand your feelings, I lost my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, 08/16/2019 (cancer).  He was the perfect dog for me.  I tried rescues later on but got six bites for my efforts, had to have surgery, it left me worse than before surgery and it's been four months.  Will not do it again.  My son brought me a puppy before Christmas a year ago and he definitely saved me.  We can't compare to our previous one, they're not the same, but we can see and appreciate the good qualities they bring to us, and little did I realize how badly I'd need him as I live alone and this social isolation has been very hard.  People complain about their husbands, I don't want to hear it, mine passed nearly 16 years ago, they're lucky to still have theirs!  My sister was the biggest complainer and now she's lost her husband to cancer five months ago and she gets it now, what I tried to tell her.  Grief is a hard teacher.

I pray you get closer to the dog you have now.  

16 hours ago, Inangermanagement2021 said:

I'm completely dead inside and feel guilty for having him.

It's important to give ourselves permission to enjoy life again.  I have learned so much in the last 16 years, I want to leave you an article I wrote, it was written with loss of spouse in mind but can apply to other hard losses and I think loss of beloved animal definitely is one of the hardest!
http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/10/pet-loss-when-nothing-eases-pain.html
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Hello Inangermanagement2021!

I’m sorry for your loss, dogs are such incredible animals here for a short time in our lives. I posted on this thread last month and was in the same situation as you and the OP. Although my grief isn’t gone, (I doubt it ever well) It has gotten a lot better. Please reach out and talk to someone you trust and don’t hold back and feelings. Allow yourself to grieve. I got a new puppy as well and didn’t bond with her as much as I did with my Sammy. I thought I never would. But recently I did and love her very much now. It just takes time especially after losing your dog. 

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I seem to be having near total breakdowns  EVERY single night. I miss Penny so much. At times I feel like I can’t go one more day. I feel like I am in a horrible nightmare!!! I’ve read over 10 books on the pet loss and I’m in therapy which isn’t doing any good. She just keeps telling me I am going through grief. I feel like this will never end. I have thought of suicide but I believe if I did that, I would never be reunited with Penny. The only thing that gets me through the day is thinking about when it is my time to die, that I will be with her again. Right now I just can’t see any happiness in my life coming anytime soon. I have never experienced grief like this. 

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@Diane OI know suicidal thoughts are common in grief but please give yourself the healing time you need.  The intensity of pain lessens very gradually and can take much time.  I want to give you this article I wrote ten years after losing my husband...I know it's designed for loss of husband but can also be applicable in loss of pet as we are so close to them and our lives so intertwined, the loss is tremendous to us.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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I have read your article several times before. After my meltdown last night, I read it again and it gives me some hope. I am just so heartbroken and for some reason, I keep “looking” for Penny; everywhere I go! I feel like I am losing my mind because I know she is dead.  I’m not going to “find her” but I keep looking! Is that crazy?  I must still be in denial but then it hits me and I can’t breathe; my chest hurts-my whole body hurts. I go outside to try and get some air.  This is absolutely terribly! I am going to re-read your article right now! I have several books and I have been re-reading those which help a little. I brought Penny’s most favorite stuffed animals into my bedroom and have them on my bed. I sleep with one of them and with the blanket we cuddled up with the night before and day she died. Those seem to help me a little!

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@Diane Oit's hard isn't it. 13 weeks since Goldie passed and I'm the same as I was back then. It's one day at a time for sure. What KayC writes above is a great help. Thinking to the future is awful, how many years till I'm back with him. There's people here who need me, however the only one I need is not here. I was talking to family about how much my life has changed, is it 10pc or 50pc or what. I've decided its about 95 pc because of the time we were together. I've gone from 30000 steps a day to around 1000 and often less. I've not watched a single show or listened to a single track since. As my dad used to say, 'there's a good time coming', I wonder when that will be. Things like stuffed animals and other toys help, I also sleep with stuff, it does give comfort. 

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18 hours ago, Diane O said:

I’m not going to “find her” but I keep looking! Is that crazy?

No it's not crazy at all!  I had the strong urges to dig Arlie up two weeks after he was buried.  I knew better with my brain as I know what happens to a decomposed body and that's the only thing that stopped me, not wanting that image burned into my brain, I want to remember his sweet face as I last saw it.  But it was so strong because I wanted to see him again!

Our emotions don't have to be rational, they struggle against the brain which is logical.  If I didn't believe with my heart that I'd be with him again...I don't know, I couldn't handle this at all.  I MUST be with him again!  I may not know the mind of God but I cannot believe an intelligent being who created such wonderful creatures would not resurrect them and give them eternal life, they are so deserving and valuable!  To me they are the most wonderful of all of his creation!  

5 hours ago, Gary55 said:

Things like stuffed animals and other toys help, I also sleep with stuff, it does give comfort.

Arlie's bed is still in the same place, as are the sympathy cards I got and set on my dining room table and his coat hanging on the chair, his leash and collar hang by the door.  I have a worn out sofa recliner that I cannot get rid of because it's the first piece of furniture my husband & I had.  I have memories associated with it!

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Hi @Diane O I am so so sorry to read about your loss of Penny. And I understand how you feel. I won't go into my story but my cat got suddenly violently ill in the most horrific way and was put down at an emergency vet within a couple hours. We were in total shock. After that wore off, the reality and true devastation set in! And the deep grief. I felt like I was going mad with grief sometimes. 

I knew I'd be sad when our cat passed away but I was not prepared for what I went through. I wish had words or advice. The little comfort I got was coming to this forum to write about my pain and heartache. So, keep writing. I will say... it does pass. It just takes TIME. I pictured my heart broken in 2 pieces. It took a long time for it to heal and there's still a crack! (I'll never forget our cat or that loss. I think of him every day. I've simply made peace.)

When you are in it, no one can convince you it will get better. So, trust a stranger who was where you are now. You will be okay. Just take it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute sometimes. Honor her by thinking of her and remembering her life and how you spent time and loved her and she loved you. Nothing can take that away.    

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On 2/5/2021 at 4:48 AM, Albert9999 said:

Well this has pretty much confirmed my death. I suffer from depression and anxiety with multiple suicide attempts. I am convinced I cannot and will not be able to cope with the pain of losing my darling little daxy (she is 10 atm) 

I know how I am going to take my life this time, but am in a quandary as to when. I guess it will have to be straight after she has gone, there is no way I want to live with the pain coming to me :'(

I am so sorry to hear this and I pray you find help as I am now going through the same thing as my Payton passed away yesterday and I am so broken and lost without him.  Please get help and just take it one minute at time like I am doing now.

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My baby left me yesterday and I am so broken and hurt and empty inside......he, Payton is the love of my life and I am so missing him that all I want to is curl up and die so I an be with him yet I know I have to wait till God takes me. There is nothing left on this earth now for me, so I am a ghost without a life.

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Oh @Sherian, my heart hurts for you, your loss so fresh.  I know the pain all too well, when my Arlie died, it killed me.  I knew no one could replace him, he was my soulmate in a dog, the perfect dog for me!  I did try rescues later but ran into nothing but problems with being lied to bitten six different times, had to have surgery because of the last bite.  I'd about given up on ever having a dog when my son brought me a puppy.  Little did I know what a great companion he'd be and that Covid would come with its social isolation, he was what I needed.  He was conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday, how's that for confirmation that it was to be!  Perhaps Arlie had a paw in it all.  He is very different from Arlie, yet made to order during this time as he's always where I am and so sweet and loving and interactive.  He lacks some of the qualities that made Arlie special to me, which is fitting as a tribute to my sweet Arlie!  It's been 1 1/2 years since I lost him and I still grieve and miss him, I will love him all my life!  I pray you find comfort...
http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

 

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9 hours ago, Sherian said:

My baby left me yesterday and I am so broken and hurt and empty inside......he, Payton is the love of my life and I am so missing him that all I want to is curl up and die so I an be with him yet I know I have to wait till God takes me. There is nothing left on this earth now for me, so I am a ghost without a life.

I am so very sorry for your loss of Payton. I lost my girl, Penny two months ago. I’ve had many other dogs but I have never grieved this much over their deaths or any relative that has passed. I also feel like there is nothing on this earth that will lessen this horrendous pain. I try to take it just one day at a time; sometimes it is one minute at a time as I am now having anxiety attacks. Please know that you are not alone. Have you tried counseling?  Something that has helped me at night is Penny’s stuffed animals. I brought all her favorite ones into my bedroom. I cuddle two of them along with the blanket we cuddled with together the night before and the next day before I had to put her down. It brings me so much comfort. Also writing a letter to her. I started with the day we met and finished it with the day she died. It took me a few weeks to write the ending but it did help. I also printed every picture I had of her and put them in a photo album that I ordered on-line with her picture on the front cover. I’ve also read over 11 books on pet loss which have also helped. I read the blogs on here and write on here; KayC has a great article on here that I re-read when I am sad. That helps me, too. Keep coming back here because it does help.

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14 hours ago, Diane O said:

I am so very sorry for your loss of Payton. I lost my girl, Penny two months ago. I’ve had many other dogs but I have never grieved this much over their deaths or any relative that has passed. I also feel like there is nothing on this earth that will lessen this horrendous pain. I try to take it just one day at a time; sometimes it is one minute at a time as I am now having anxiety attacks. Please know that you are not alone. Have you tried counseling?  Something that has helped me at night is Penny’s stuffed animals. I brought all her favorite ones into my bedroom. I cuddle two of them along with the blanket we cuddled with together the night before and the next day before I had to put her down. It brings me so much comfort. Also writing a letter to her. I started with the day we met and finished it with the day she died. It took me a few weeks to write the ending but it did help. I also printed every picture I had of her and put them in a photo album that I ordered on-line with her picture on the front cover. I’ve also read over 11 books on pet loss which have also helped. I read the blogs on here and write on here; KayC has a great article on here that I re-read when I am sad. That helps me, too. Keep coming back here because it does help.

I made it through the day and I cried hysterically all day........like you I have Payton's stuff toys all around me and his blanket as it has his smell on it and that I devour to give me some peace.  I just am at a loss on how to deal with this...I have had other furbabies yet Payton was my soulmate and I fear I am losing my my mind now.  I have no family so to speak as they were not the Brady Bunch for sure so I made furbabies my family in time and that gave me love and joy beyond anything else. He was a warrior and so strong and loved to give me tons of kisses all the time.  I fell in love with him on sight the first time.....he just took my heart and soul with him when he passed away......life now is so empty.

Thank you so much Diane for sharing with me and I am so very very sorry for your loss also. 

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@Sherian  This is how I feel about my Arlie, whom I lost 1 1/2 years ago.  I will never be over him, I realize that, we don't "move on" but instead have to learn to live with the changes it means for our lives.  My son brought me a puppy a few months later and less than one month later my 25 year old cat passed away suddenly.  And then Covid isolation hit. 

My puppy was a lifesaver...he was nothing like Arlie but I've learned not to expect it, as comparisons are joy killers but instead embrace the good things about him that he has.  He is very loving and sweet and has enriched my life so much!  I don't know what I'd do without him now, I've had him since 12/10 2019.  Arlie passed 8/16/19. 

I still miss Arlie with all my heart, I always will, I know that.  His beautiful sweet smile and gentle spirit will always be with me, I treasure everything about him, his intelligence, his consideration, how well we fit together.  But I'm amazed how much Kodie has filled me in the time since I've gotten him, I doubt anyone else could have walked in Arlie's pawprints and gotten through to me as he did, unabashedly and persistently.  I can't imagine life without him now.

I do hope you will give another a chance eventually.  I hate the name of this article as we never replace an animal, never!  But it does have good things to say so I hope you'll read it .

Getting another Pet

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16 hours ago, Sherian said:

I made it through the day and I cried hysterically all day........like you I have Payton's stuff toys all around me and his blanket as it has his smell on it and that I devour to give me some peace.  I just am at a loss on how to deal with this...I have had other furbabies yet Payton was my soulmate and I fear I am losing my my mind now.  I have no family so to speak as they were not the Brady Bunch for sure so I made furbabies my family in time and that gave me love and joy beyond anything else. He was a warrior and so strong and loved to give me tons of kisses all the time.  I fell in love with him on sight the first time.....he just took my heart and soul with him when he passed away......life now is so empty.

Thank you so much Diane for sharing with me and I am so very very sorry for your loss also. 

I am able to go to work but the minute I leave at lunch time, I make it to my car and sit and cry. I also find myself tearing up at my desk but hold myself together until lunch break and again when I leave for the day. Driving home is so hard; pulling into the drive way and the walk into the house gets me every time. I get so upset walking in the door and penny not here to greet me. My 93 year old mom moved in with me almost 2 years ago and she has the beginning of Alzheimer’s. Every time we talk, I have to repeat myself and explain what I say. I miss having Penny here so badly. She kept me sane! My two girls are grown and gone and not around at all so I am basically all alone, too. My girls don’t understand my grief so I can’t talk to them about how hard this is. I have been having what I think are anxiety attacks, I don’t know but I get so upset that it’s hard to breathe and I get really shaky. Have you experienced that? I feel the exact way you do...Penny was my heart & soul, too and I feel dead inside!

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You might want to see your doctor about the anxiety, I have GAD and losing my husband increased my anxiety, eventually I sought help for it as I was having anxiety attacks that mimic heart attacks.  Buspirone (Buspar) has taken the edge off so I can better cope and I haven't had a full blown attack in years now although I can't shut my brain off to sleep at night (anxiety) so now also take 50 mg Trazodone to sleep.  We need our sleep to function!

You have a lot going on on your plate, both with losing Penny and dealing with your mom (my mom got stage IV dementia and died in 2014), I know what you're speaking of.

I have an ebook that helped me a lot, short and simple, about dealing with dementia, I can send it to you if you want to message me your email address.  ;)  It's too big to post here (PDF).

 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

You might want to see your doctor about the anxiety, I have GAD and losing my husband increased my anxiety, eventually I sought help for it as I was having anxiety attacks that mimic heart attacks.  Buspirone (Buspar) has taken the edge off so I can better cope and I haven't had a full blown attack in years now although I can't shut my brain off to sleep at night (anxiety) so now also take 50 mg Trazodone to sleep.  We need our sleep to function!

You have a lot going on on your plate, both with losing Penny and dealing with your mom (my mom got stage IV dementia and died in 2014), I know what you're speaking of.

I have an ebook that helped me a lot, short and simple, about dealing with dementia, I can send it to you if you want to message me your email address.  ;)  It's too big to post here (PDF).

 

I have been on bupropion for a few years. I will ask my doctor about these attacks I get.  Sorry - how do I message you my e-mail? Can’t I just send it to you through here?

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At the top of the page do you see a picture of an envelope?  Click on that (I will send you a message and you can reply back).

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At the top of the page do you see a picture of an envelope?  Click on that (I will send you a message and you can reply back).
Buproprion can cause anxiety also in 10% of patients.

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On 3/16/2021 at 3:22 PM, Diane O said:

I have been on bupropion for a few years. I will ask my doctor about these attacks I get.  Sorry - how do I message you my e-mail? Can’t I just send it to you through here?

Hi Diane:

Sorry I have not been around lately, I ended up in the hospital with chest pains for a few days, Payton's passing finally got to me and it affected my health, stress did it. I am home now and working my life to be calm and somewhat more peaceful with the help of a therapist here.  I am just now sad and depressed all the time....and so I have made the decision to find another furbaby..not a replacement, just adding to my furbaby family and I think it also is a way to honor Payton also.  There are lots of abused abandoned furbabies in this world and I am a great mom so whom ever I find will have a very good home with me as I am retired and alone here.  I really hope your doing well and I pray for you to get some help with your mother most of all right now as you need to work on keeping up your life and strength.

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On 2/17/2018 at 7:56 AM, KayC said:

 

 

What a sweet video! Thank you for sharing it. I am dealing with the loss of my Father, and it really put a smile on my face. Pets are people, too; and it grieves us when they die. I had a bird once and when it died I cried like a baby; tears literally gushed down my face. I hope things get better for you. TLN.

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Sherian, that must have been very scary!  So glad you are taking steps to calm yourself and get through this as best as you can.  I wish you nothing but the best!  I agree, we never "replace" a pet, but we can have another relationship enrich our lives and give someone else a loving home and care.  I have been very thankful to have adopted my little Kodie, even while still grieving my gentle giant, Arlie.

@TLN  I'm glad the video was of comfort to you as it was to me.  :wub:

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18 hours ago, Sherian said:

Hi Diane:

Sorry I have not been around lately, I ended up in the hospital with chest pains for a few days, Payton's passing finally got to me and it affected my health, stress did it. I am home now and working my life to be calm and somewhat more peaceful with the help of a therapist here.  I am just now sad and depressed all the time....and so I have made the decision to find another furbaby..not a replacement, just adding to my furbaby family and I think it also is a way to honor Payton also.  There are lots of abused abandoned furbabies in this world and I am a great mom so whom ever I find will have a very good home with me as I am retired and alone here.  I really hope your doing well and I pray for you to get some help with your mother most of all right now as you need to work on keeping up your life and strength.

Oh my gosh! How scary! I am so sorry you went through that. I am glad you are talking with a therapist. I think we need to do whatever we can to help us with this grief. I am still in disbelief that Penny has actually “died”. I have to keep telling myself that she is dead cuz when I say she is “gone”, it somehow makes me think she is “just gone” but will be back. I think if I keep saying she is dead, it will make me accept it; although I am fighting that every time I say she is dead. Because, how can my beautiful, best friend really be dead? I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it yet. I have decided to start taking care of myself. I had my very first facial today. It was fabulous. I agree with you about getting another dog. That will really be the only way to help me through my loss. I’m not quite ready but I will get another.  Please let me know when and what kind you get. I’m excited for you!

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Sherian, that must have been very scary!  So glad you are taking steps to calm yourself and get through this as best as you can.  I wish you nothing but the best!  I agree, we never "replace" a pet, but we can have another relationship enrich our lives and give someone else a loving home and care.  I have been very thankful to have adopted my little Kodie, even while still grieving my gentle giant, Arlie.

@TLN  I'm glad the video was of comfort to you as it was to me.  :wub:

Hey Kay-thank you so much for sending me that book on dementia. I haven’t read the whole book yet but what I have read so far is really good. It has really good ideas in it! Thanks so much!

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Diane, the world of dementia is very different to enter.  I am glad the book is helping, it's simplicity and brevity seems to add rather than detract from it as what it does say makes sense and I was able to use it with my mom, even passed it on to the dementia care employees as some seemed not to understand to enter THEIR world & not try to make sense of what you cannot...

I remember clearly the day I went to visit my mom and she was in her room with two aides arguing with her...my mom thought she was getting married that day.  They wanted me to talk sense into her.  I looked at them and said, "Do you not know SHE HAS DEMENTIA?!!!"  I proceeded to tell her how beautiful she was, and what a lovely dress she has to wear, help her into whatever they were putting on her, and she was satisfied.  

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

Diane, the world of dementia is very different to enter.  I am glad the book is helping, it's simplicity and brevity seems to add rather than detract from it as what it does say makes sense and I was able to use it with my mom, even passed it on to the dementia care employees as some seemed not to understand to enter THEIR world & not try to make sense of what you cannot...

I remember clearly the day I went to visit my mom and she was in her room with two aides arguing with her...my mom thought she was getting married that day.  They wanted me to talk sense into her.  I looked at them and said, "Do you not know SHE HAS DEMENTIA?!!!"  I proceeded to tell her how beautiful she was, and what a lovely dress she has to wear, help her into whatever they were putting on her, and she was satisfied.  

Oh my god! What kind of people do they have working in nursing homes? Everyone should read that book. I haven’t finished but I really like how they explained the food on the plate and the person with dementia couldn’t see the food because it blended in with the color of the plate; there were some really great ideas! Thanks again for sharing it with me. I’d like to buy an actual copy.

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On 3/12/2021 at 6:28 PM, AJWCat said:

Hi @Diane O I am so so sorry to read about your loss of Penny. And I understand how you feel. I won't go into my story but my cat got suddenly violently ill in the most horrific way and was put down at an emergency vet within a couple hours. We were in total shock. After that wore off, the reality and true devastation set in! And the deep grief. I felt like I was going mad with grief sometimes. 

I knew I'd be sad when our cat passed away but I was not prepared for what I went through. I wish had words or advice. The little comfort I got was coming to this forum to write about my pain and heartache. So, keep writing. I will say... it does pass. It just takes TIME. I pictured my heart broken in 2 pieces. It took a long time for it to heal and there's still a crack! (I'll never forget our cat or that loss. I think of him every day. I've simply made peace.)

When you are in it, no one can convince you it will get better. So, trust a stranger who was where you are now. You will be okay. Just take it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute sometimes. Honor her by thinking of her and remembering her life and how you spent time and loved her and she loved you. Nothing can take that away.    

Thank you so much!  I’ve had dogs that have died over the years (I’m 62) so I have gone through this before but I have never experienced grief this bad before. It was just me & Penny after my daughter moved out. Then my 93 yr old mom moved in with me. She’s in a wheelchair and forgetting everything. It’s terrible watching her decline but I had Penny to keep me company. I talked to Penny all the time. She really was my best friend and really, almost like a third daughter to me. It has just hit me terribly hard and I know the only way I am going to get through this is to go through all this pain. I also know that I need to rescue another dog. Penny was so spoiled and so loved. She would want me to rescue another dog, or perhaps two that are bonded. That would make Penny very happy to see me “alive” again. 

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12 hours ago, Diane O said:

Oh my god! What kind of people do they have working in nursing homes? Everyone should read that book.

This wasn't a nursing home, if it was I could understand it better, but this was a dementia care facility!

This is the cheapest hardcopy I could find, new it's $50 on Amazon but can get it here for $4.19+shipping...I'd splurge for the $4.79 in like new condition. ;)

 

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12 hours ago, Diane O said:

I talked to Penny all the time. She really was my best friend and really, almost like a third daughter to me. It has just hit me terribly hard and I know the only way I am going to get through this is to go through all this pain. I also know that I need to rescue another dog.

I understand.  I had finally resigned myself to the fact that maybe I wouldn't be able to find another dog after looking actively for months without good results...when my son called and said he had this Klee Kai puppy in front of him, did I want him, yes or no because he'd be gone in an hour!  He sent video/pictures, of course I said yes!  I can't imagine life without my Kodie now.  Of course it doesn't alleviate the grieving over Arlie, but it has helped me in this year of social isolation, he's amazing company and so sweet and interactive!

The way you describe yourself with Penny, that's how I was with Arlie, and now with Kodie.  I live alone and these dogs are everything to me!

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This week we had to have our dog of 14 years put to sleep. His health had deteriorated despite medication, and he lost his independence on his final day. 

We knew a month ago that it was a matter of time, so we wanted to make the most of his time left. We tried to keep him as comfy as we could in his bed, we took him for 'walks' in his pram where he had time out on the grass to sunbathe, we gave him kisses and pets everytime we saw him, and we bought him lots of treats to try and get his appetite back (but this didn't really work).

Despite this I'm really struggling with regret. I wish I had picked him up and cuddled him more. I wish I had bought him a new toy for comfort and happiness (my local shops didn't have any soft cuddly toys (his favourite) for sale when I went, and I told myself I would try another shop another day, but that time never came. I hate that I didn't bring him home a toy). I wish I had spent more time with him, instead of also working. I feel like I've let him down because of this.

My mind is constantly replaying everything, and the guilt and regret feels unbearable. I feel like he deserved the world, and I feel like I could have done more to make him happier in his final weeks. The fact that I can't change the past is crippling. 

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4 hours ago, G07 said:

This week we had to have our dog of 14 years put to sleep. His health had deteriorated despite medication, and he lost his independence on his final day. 

We knew a month ago that it was a matter of time, so we wanted to make the most of his time left. We tried to keep him as comfy as we could in his bed, we took him for 'walks' in his pram where he had time out on the grass to sunbathe, we gave him kisses and pets everytime we saw him, and we bought him lots of treats to try and get his appetite back (but this didn't really work).

Despite this I'm really struggling with regret. I wish I had picked him up and cuddled him more. I wish I had bought him a new toy for comfort and happiness (my local shops didn't have any soft cuddly toys (his favourite) for sale when I went, and I told myself I would try another shop another day, but that time never came. I hate that I didn't bring him home a toy). I wish I had spent more time with him, instead of also working. I feel like I've let him down because of this.

My mind is constantly replaying everything, and the guilt and regret feels unbearable. I feel like he deserved the world, and I feel like I could have done more to make him happier in his final weeks. The fact that I can't change the past is crippling. 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I had to put Penny down Jan. 7. The cancer came on so fast. She was, or seemed, fine until the night before I had her put down. I keep questioning if I did it too soon but I didn’t want her to suffer at all and her not being able to stand was so sad. There is never enough time with our pets. Your dog loved you and knew you loved him. You could have kept him longer but you did the very best thing releasing him from his pain. That is the final best gift we can give them. Even though it is killing us that we had to let them go. Try to think of all the good memories you have. 

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5 hours ago, G07 said:

This week we had to have our dog of 14 years put to sleep.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have had so many losses in my life, esp. in more recent years, but the two hardest were my husband and my "soulmate in a dog" Arlie who was my loyal companion after George's death.  I wish this on no one, we all know the day will come but there is no preparing for the finality we feel as their absence hits us hard.  The regrets are common in grief, it's just so hard to adjust to and seems way too final.  I believe we'll be with them again, but the wait is so hard to do!

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

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On 3/19/2021 at 10:10 AM, KayC said:

Sherian, that must have been very scary!  So glad you are taking steps to calm yourself and get through this as best as you can.  I wish you nothing but the best!  I agree, we never "replace" a pet, but we can have another relationship enrich our lives and give someone else a loving home and care.  I have been very thankful to have adopted my little Kodie, even while still grieving my gentle giant, Arlie.

@TLN  I'm glad the video was of comfort to you as it was to me.  :wub:

Thank you, it has been extremely difficult coming home to an empty house and there is no Payton here....I walk in and say, Hi Payton, mom is home each time I come home now. I am just very very sad and depressed all the time.....I keep his water bowl full and yet it empty's somehow in a day or two...just not sure how to move on now.  Thank you for caring

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7 hours ago, G07 said:

This week we had to have our dog of 14 years put to sleep. His health had deteriorated despite medication, and he lost his independence on his final day. 

We knew a month ago that it was a matter of time, so we wanted to make the most of his time left. We tried to keep him as comfy as we could in his bed, we took him for 'walks' in his pram where he had time out on the grass to sunbathe, we gave him kisses and pets everytime we saw him, and we bought him lots of treats to try and get his appetite back (but this didn't really work).

Despite this I'm really struggling with regret. I wish I had picked him up and cuddled him more. I wish I had bought him a new toy for comfort and happiness (my local shops didn't have any soft cuddly toys (his favourite) for sale when I went, and I told myself I would try another shop another day, but that time never came. I hate that I didn't bring him home a toy). I wish I had spent more time with him, instead of also working. I feel like I've let him down because of this.

My mind is constantly replaying everything, and the guilt and regret feels unbearable. I feel like he deserved the world, and I feel like I could have done more to make him happier in his final weeks. The fact that I can't change the past is crippling. 

I know just what your going through right at this moment as I am doing the same as you in losing my darling Payton.   I have such guilt I could of done more and been more there for him even though I was home 24/7 I fell I failed him.   I am not sure what to tell you only that *grief has no time limits * and that well do it in our own way.  I just pray I will see him again as I keep *Till we met again* in my mind now....May blessings and peace come to you and all of us who lost our furbabies. Sherry

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1 hour ago, Sherian said:

Thank you, it has been extremely difficult coming home to an empty house and there is no Payton here....I walk in and say, Hi Payton, mom is home each time I come home now. I am just very very sad and depressed all the time.....I keep his water bowl full and yet it empty's somehow in a day or two...just not sure how to move on now.  Thank you for caring

I hate coming home. It doesn’t feel like home without my Penny here. I feel exactly like you do. The other day I got out of my car, and heard a bark that sounded like it was in my house. I got so excited and said Penny’s back! And immediately started to cry as I had to myself she is dead. I can’t say she’s “gone” because I keep looking for her everywhere I go. I am forcing myself to say she is “dead” and each time I say that, I start panicking. I just can’t seem to accept that she is dead. I feel like I am dead inside; just going through the motions of living. I am so sorry you are going through this, too! The grief is unbearable.  The only thing that is going to help me is to get another furry friend but I’m worried already and comparing it to Penny. She was such a good girl and so sweet. I don’t think I will be lucky enough to get another like her but I am willing to try. I hope you do, too. There are so many dogs that need loving owners. I want to get two small dogs that are bonded. That’ll keep me busy!

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@G07I'm sorry to read of your loss. Its now 15 weeks since my best friend passed, 15 awful weeks. Your feelings are I think what we all go through when there is a special bond. I've gone through weeks of guilt and regrets. KayC shares some good resources about how we feel. I think that no matter what we do it seems its never enough. Me and Goldie were always out, doing miles every day, but I feel guilty that we didn't go farther on a certain day, or I didn't go the way he wanted sometimes. It's never ending and there is no answer. I'm trying to tell myself that we did have lots of long walks. If we do 1000 things, then there's always the 1001st we didn't do. I'm sure you did the best you could, under all the circumstances. 

 

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Our self talk helps to a point but it seems time is needed to adjust to these changes.  When I had to say goodbye to my Arlie, it was the hardest thing in the world, he was my everything and it seemed his life went way too fast, like time on steroids!  My son helped me bury him and wanted me to come to his house for a couple of days...so I followed him home, 2 1/2 hours away, tears pouring down my cheeks.  When I did come home I felt as you, the house was way too empty and quiet without Arlie's presence.  I would go to his grave and talk to him, the longing was unbearable.

It's been over 1 1/2 years.  I no longer expect him to be in the house, laying behind the couch (that was his "den") or on the loveseat, smiling, heaving as he did.  I no longer expect to take him on walks.  His coat is still on the back of my chair, his leash and collar hang by the door, the sympathy cards are still on my dining room table, on display, as if taking them down would be removing him somehow.  I still long to have a sign constructed that says "Arlie's Fence" but don't know where to have one made.  After all, Kodie may use it but I had it put up for Arlie, and oh how he loved it!  He loved his pen and doghouse too!  This place will always be his, gone or not.

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Krisandluke

On Monday I lost my 10 year old boy to CHF. He was doing so great until his meds were changed, I knew in my heart that I should keep the dosage the same but thought the doctor would know better. A week ago I noticed he was breathing a bit hard, his tummy was moving and his heart was racing, thought it was from him having a walk a couple days before. He was still eating, drinking and being the same dog. O should have taken him to the vet as soon as I noticed him breathing different and I will forever have the guilt of killing him. I could have saved his life, I should have listened to my gut, I killed my dog and I deserve to be going thru all of this pain for tje rest of my life!

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I am so sorry for your loss, I know it to be great as losing my Arlie was akin to losing my sweet husband 16 years ago...it didn't affect as many areas of my life, but the pain was the same...they are very much a part of our family and lives and in my opinion, they are the greatest gift God could give us so it stands to reason losing them creates a huge void in our lives and the pain can feel unbearable.  You would naturally assume the vet knew what they were doing, I would talk to them and see if you can get some answers to your questions.  My Arlie had just had a physical and two weeks later was given a death sentence as his liver shut down and he had inoperable cancer.  I couldn't wrap my head around it!  IMO the vet didn't give adequate care!  He had regular visits all his life, how did they miss it?  This was the most wonderful being in the world!  It was the greatest injustice.

I don't feel you to blame, but I would definitely want answers from your vet.  None were forthcoming from mine.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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kennedyopal
On 2/17/2018 at 3:53 AM, Sarah&Ava said:

Oh Rari, I read your post and I get it, i mean I really GET it.  I won't bore you with all the details but if you go back and read some of my earlier posts about my dog Ava you will see I have had all of these feelings.  I have so so many regrets about the life I gave my precious girl,  I was not good enough and she definetly deserved better and I will live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life, but as someone said, it was the only life she know, she had nothing to compare it to, it was her life and she was happy with it.  it wasn't like she had a radically different, better life before me and I then gave her a horrible life, it was all she knew.  It doesn't mean I don't still have massive, massive regrets and still feel guilty but it has helped me to start to forgive myself.  I also know the pain you are in and what you mean about a new dog, you see before Ava I had another dog that died after 14 years together, I couldn't get over her and even tried to take my own life because I was in so much pain.  I got Ava but found it hard to bond with her because I felt I was betraying my old dog.  However, I kept her and we grew to develop every bit as strong a bond as I ever had with my last dog and now Ava's time is almost up I am beyound devastated and have so so much regret and guilt about her life and me as a person.  What you're feeling is the intense pain of unprocessed grief.  I have found this site has helped me, it's helped me to say all these things and have lots of really supportive people who understand and who are all going through the same pain.  Don't give up come here, vent, cry, ramble,tell stories about your precious boy and allow yourself to come to terms with your loss.

 

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kennedyopal

I’m so very sad. I lost my Silvey girl, I got her when I was 6 and she grew up with me. She was 12 and my birthday is coming up soon and I will be 18 it almost feels like I lose a piece of me and my childhood. I hated to see her suffer and I witnessed her death and I feel so guilty that I was out having fun with family the day before she passed. She wasn’t the same dog when I returned from hanging out with my family . I hope she knows how much I loved her. Her and I would follow eachother around everywhere. I can not stop crying and this just is not fun at all. I don’t know how this can get any easier because right now I’m at my lowest.

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I am so sorry, @kennedyopal  I adopted a dog when I was five and my parents wouldn't let me take him when I left home, then when I was 20 they had him euthanized, didn't even tell me ahead of time so I never got to say goodbye.  He was old but didn't have anything major wrong, I gladly would have taken him in and cared for him, I remember the shock of my mom calling me to tell me he was gone. 

One thing is for sure, she knows how much you love her.  I lost my Arlie (dog) 1 2/3 years ago and still talk to him and tell him how much I love and miss him and what I appreciated about him.  Who knows, maybe they can hear us, no one can say they don't, a lot we don't know about beyond this.  I hope these article are of help to you too and esp. the video!
 

 
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I lost my baby Dave on Monday night

he fell asleep in my bed his favourite place 

I have nevet Never felt pain like this I am finding myself wishing I die too because I want to be with him I know that’s selfish as I have another baby Roxy to look after and my husband and my mum and dad. 
these posts have been helpful 

going to try one day at a time 

get through the hour I have been telling myself today 

 

his stiff is all over the house I expect him to walk in or see him in the garden growling at the cat 

 

he was my best friend and he changed my life 

I am privileged to have been his mummy 

 

I have to try and keep going for Roxy. She is a yorkie too and beautiful and she is missing her mate. 
 

tomorrow will be day 3 without him. 
 

but for now I just need to try and get too morning xxxx thanks for listening if there is anyone out there xx Katy 

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Katy-I am so very sorry for your loss of Dave. How old was he? My Penny, 11 year old black lab, got cancer. It all happened so fast and I had to put her down this past Jan. 7.  I am so thankful that she didn’t suffer. I don’t think your Dave suffered either. Be thankful for that. For the past three months, I had no idea how to get through the next five minutes but, I had to take baby steps. I read so many books and those helped quite a bit. I never grieved for any person or other dogs I had to say goodbye to, like I grieved for Penny.  I never cried so hard and so often. It’s good to cry and let it out. It also helped me coming to this post and heading from orhers. I wrote a letter to Penny starting with when we first met when she was 12 weeks old up until we had to say goodbye. That was really, really hard but it did help. I looked for her everywhere I went but once I started to say she “died” instead of I “lost” her, it forced me to accept her death and that she wasn’t coming back to me. I ordered a beautiful photo album with her picture on it and put all her pictures in it; that also helped.  They truly take a huge part of our hearts with them when they die but I believe that we will meet again in heaven, when it is our time.  Please know I am thinking of you and sending your strength to help you get through this. You have to go through this to get through this. God bless you! 

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@KatypI'm so sorry for your loss. You loved Dave and he loved you. If he didn't suffer that's good. Your feelings are normal, but when we are new to this we don't know that. I lost my boy 4 months ago, and I wanted to go with him. I miss him so much. Talking on here sure helps me. 

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11 hours ago, Katyp said:

I lost my baby Dave on Monday night

he fell asleep in my bed his favourite place 

I have nevet Never felt pain like this I am finding myself wishing I die too because I want to be with him I know that’s selfish as I have another baby Roxy to look after and my husband and my mum and dad. 
these posts have been helpful 

going to try one day at a time 

get through the hour I have been telling myself today 

 

his stiff is all over the house I expect him to walk in or see him in the garden growling at the cat 

 

he was my best friend and he changed my life 

I am privileged to have been his mummy 

 

I have to try and keep going for Roxy. She is a yorkie too and beautiful and she is missing her mate. 
 

tomorrow will be day 3 without him. 
 

but for now I just need to try and get too morning xxxx thanks for listening if there is anyone out there xx Katy 

Oh Katyp, your grieving is so normal and I am like you now doing the same.  I lost my darling Payton on March 13 at 1130am and life has not been the same here.   We have our furbabies for such a short amount of time and each day with them is so very precious and joyful and then when it is time for them to cross over the rainbow bridge our hearts break in a zillion pieces and we wonder how we will survive.......it is just taking it at first 1 minute at a time till it is then 1 hour then 1 day at a time, I know that is how I am surviving losing Payton as he was and still is my other half of me.  He was my soulmate totally.  He came from a bad place in life and I got him when he was 6 and then he was a mean angry little boy who just stole my heart and he became my warrior and best friend ever.......we clicked and his vet said the same same, we were just one half but together we were a whole.  He made me laugh silly so many times and here in our home he would watch my every move and keep an eye on me at all times.....I still look for him peeking his head around the corner watching me in the bedroom for he wanted to know where I was at.  I rarely left his side during the 8 years I had him except to go to my doc's.  Make a shrine of Dave in your home, someplace with lots of pictures  and a small teal light candle  to light when you need to. That has really helped me here, I did that and I see Payton in my mind now playing and running in our home. I am also looking for another furbaby, not a replacement ever, just adding to Mom's Furbaby Family as my sister says. Take care and let us know how your doing.

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@Katyp  I am so sorry.  It's the hardest thing in the world, it felt akin to losing my husband!  Grief is like a weight I carry inside of me, I've learned to coexist with it, but it's never far from me, always there.  My heart goes out to you, and I hope you too will watch this video.  Whether one has religious belief or not, it helps to have hope that one day we will be with them again and that they didn't cease to exist just because their body gave out.  To me, they are the most wonderful of all creatures!

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

The Rainbow Bridge

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I lost my boy six days ago and I am really really struggling.  He was almost eighteen.   Been my companion for the last two decades.  I am devastated.  I am lost.  I am heartbroken.  
 

I get up every day and go on to take care of my other love.  He just turned nine.  Otherwise, I do not know what I would do…

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