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My dog died I can't get over it. I don't think I wanna live anymore


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I can't do this anymore please someone f***ing help me. 

he was a Japanese chin and the best thing that ever happened to me. he had heart failure. **** the world. he didn't deserve that, and I didn't deserve him. 10,000 to keep him alive and he only lasted a year from when he was diagnosed. this is hands down one of the worst ways for an animal to die. he passed in October and here I am in February crying like a little bitch because he deserved better. I wish I could go back and do all the things I didn't do with him that I should've. I'm a horrible person and I can't do this anymore. I want my dog back. I didn't feel this way when it first happened and now I'm suffering. I got a new dog and I thought it would make me feel better better but I feel worse than ever and guilty. I WANT MY F***ING DOG BACK HE DESERVED BETTER 
 
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Oh Rari, I read your post and I get it, i mean I really GET it.  I won't bore you with all the details but if you go back and read some of my earlier posts about my dog Ava you will see I have had all of these feelings.  I have so so many regrets about the life I gave my precious girl,  I was not good enough and she definetly deserved better and I will live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life, but as someone said, it was the only life she know, she had nothing to compare it to, it was her life and she was happy with it.  it wasn't like she had a radically different, better life before me and I then gave her a horrible life, it was all she knew.  It doesn't mean I don't still have massive, massive regrets and still feel guilty but it has helped me to start to forgive myself.  I also know the pain you are in and what you mean about a new dog, you see before Ava I had another dog that died after 14 years together, I couldn't get over her and even tried to take my own life because I was in so much pain.  I got Ava but found it hard to bond with her because I felt I was betraying my old dog.  However, I kept her and we grew to develop every bit as strong a bond as I ever had with my last dog and now Ava's time is almost up I am beyound devastated and have so so much regret and guilt about her life and me as a person.  What you're feeling is the intense pain of unprocessed grief.  I have found this site has helped me, it's helped me to say all these things and have lots of really supportive people who understand and who are all going through the same pain.  Don't give up come here, vent, cry, ramble,tell stories about your precious boy and allow yourself to come to terms with your loss.

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 I still grieve for my first dog who passed in 2006. There are things I feel guilty about, things I want to take back, do differently - and I can’t - and here we are 12 yrs later and it tears me apart when I “go there”. I just recently lost a dog - I want her back. I get it. All of us get it. We understand the pain you feel and believe me, are here to listen. But Dogs, know... they do, how much we love them, how much we give for them, and they love us - unconditionally - forever.

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Rari,

I am so sorry!  It's good you found this place, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard, it doesn't bring him back but Lord knows grief is a hard journey to make your way through.  I know the new one doesn't replace the old one but I hope you give it a chance to at least help you through this.  
There are grief counselors that specialize in loss of pet, I sincerely hope you will find and talk to one, they're able to help guide us when we're at a loss to start.

 

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On 2/17/2018 at 4:53 AM, Sarah&Ava said:

Oh Rari, I read your post and I get it, i mean I really GET it.  I won't bore you with all the details but if you go back and read some of my earlier posts about my dog Ava you will see I have had all of these feelings.  I have so so many regrets about the life I gave my precious girl,  I was not good enough and she definetly deserved better and I will live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life, but as someone said, it was the only life she know, she had nothing to compare it to, it was her life and she was happy with it.  it wasn't like she had a radically different, better life before me and I then gave her a horrible life, it was all she knew.  It doesn't mean I don't still have massive, massive regrets and still feel guilty but it has helped me to start to forgive myself.  I also know the pain you are in and what you mean about a new dog, you see before Ava I had another dog that died after 14 years together, I couldn't get over her and even tried to take my own life because I was in so much pain.  I got Ava but found it hard to bond with her because I felt I was betraying my old dog.  However, I kept her and we grew to develop every bit as strong a bond as I ever had with my last dog and now Ava's time is almost up I am beyound devastated and have so so much regret and guilt about her life and me as a person.  What you're feeling is the intense pain of unprocessed grief.  I have found this site has helped me, it's helped me to say all these things and have lots of really supportive people who understand and who are all going through the same pain.  Don't give up come here, vent, cry, ramble,tell stories about your precious boy and allow yourself to come to terms with your loss.

whenever I feel like I just want to end my time here on earth, I think about your post, so I wanted to come on here and thank you for it. I wasn't honestly going to come back to website because it upsets me too much, and as I sit here crying while typing this just know I appreciate your comment so much. its been a month since I wrote that post and I feel even worse than when I originally wrote it. its been about 4 months since I lost my precious dog and I don't know why I'm 3000 times more broken now than I was when it happened. I only cried once when It happened. two months went by and I thought life was going to be fine but it all hit me at once and every time I think about my poor pup I tear up or cry completely. every time I see a photo or video of him I cry and wish I could go back in time and spend more time with him I honestly hate myself more than I ever have entire life. I was always beyond terrified of dying but now here I am for the first time in my life thinking it may not be that bad 

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14 hours ago, rari said:

its been about 4 months since I lost my precious dog and I don't know why I'm 3000 times more broken now than I was when it happened.

Maybe because so much more time has separated you.

Grief is strange, it can affect us all differently, and it can affect us in opposing ways at the same time.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain.  I hope you will give it plenty of time to begin to heal...it's not time alone that helps us though, it's what we do with it.  Grief requires active work on our parts.  I REALLY hope you'll seek a professional grief counselor, there are those that specialize in loss of pets.  What you are feeling is very real and valid.  But please don't end your life over it...give yourself the chance to find something good in life and that takes work and time.  I know, I lost my husband Father's Day, June 19, 2005...he was my soulmate and best friend, he was the love of my life and I couldn't imagine living one week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life.  I got another dog in February 2009, after my Lucky dog passed away in November 2008.  He is my companion and best friend and the bond I have with him I can't put into words.  I know I will lose him someday, he is ten years old now and his breed lives to be nine on one side, 10-12 on the other, but when I do, I will go through it all over again and will once again have to employ everything I learned in going through the loss of my husband.

 I wrote this article based on my twelve year journey with grief, and I hope even one thing in it will be of help to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Sarah&Ava

I'm glad my post helped, I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner.  Ava died 2 weeks ago yesterday and things have been hard, I knew it was coming but it's still hit me hard.  I understand what you mean about feeling worse as time passes.  During the first week I kind of made it through it but now as I go into week 3 it's worse, I miss her more as every day passes not less.   I know 4 months may feel like a long time but it really isn't and that's hard to take.

KayC is absolutely right about grief being strange and people reacting differently.  I think the idea of a pet counsellor is also a good one and one that I am considering, although I'm not sure we have them in the UK, we still live by this strange British quirk of the 'stiff upper lip' we're way way behind Americans in the therapy/counselling stakes.

I hope you're doing ok and don't give up.  Did you keep your new dog?

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Ronaldwes

I want to respond but I am hurting too much.  I know what you mean.  I don’t feel like living either.

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I love my Basset Hound
I can't do this anymore please someone f***ing help me. 
he was a Japanese chin and the best thing that ever happened to me. he had heart failure. **** the world. he didn't deserve that, and I didn't deserve him. 10,000 to keep him alive and he only lasted a year from when he was diagnosed. this is hands down one of the worst ways for an animal to die. he passed in October and here I am in February crying like a little bitch because he deserved better. I wish I could go back and do all the things I didn't do with him that I should've. I'm a horrible person and I can't do this anymore. I want my dog back. I didn't feel this way when it first happened and now I'm suffering. I got a new dog and I thought it would make me feel better better but I feel worse than ever and guilty. I WANT MY F***ING DOG BACK HE DESERVED BETTER   


So sorry for your lost, you’ve expressed exactly how I feel! F**k the world! F**k everything! Is my mood every day. I feel my baby didn’t deserve to leave the way she did and suffer all that pain before she left. It’s been exactly 12 days since I’ve lost my baby who I’ve had for 12 and a half years and its killing me so f**king bad. But I’m not gonna bore you with my story as you are in pain just as I am but to only tell you one things for sure is that he knows how much you love and care for him. Don’t feel guilty for anything your such a great person to have taken care and give the love you did with him. You made home feel so special and not all pets can receive this kind of love. Your not a horrible person! I know it’s hard with this guilt that you can’t shake off. I’m so sorry I’m not good with words but I know how u feel and just want to thank you for your story. I pray he visits you or shows you a sign that his in good hands. You will see him again, it’s just not your time. Until than he will be waiting having fun and not in pain. Take care.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com
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KayC
On 6/3/2020 at 11:07 AM, Ronaldwes said:

I want to respond but I am hurting too much.  I know what you mean.  I don’t feel like living either.

I am sorry for your loss as well...perhaps you can post when you're more ready.  Sending healing thoughts from one who gets it...

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Daisy14669

Hello I've lost my beautiful  soft  gorgeous  doberman softest dog ever she was, y life been through all my eye ops and there for me after I had open heart surgery  in 2017 in london st thomas nearly a month broke my heart my husbands mum looked after her in the day when I was there I felt pain so much knowing shes such a big baby and would pine for me  coming home was the best  she went totally mad done zoomies everywhere was with me all the time and got me well again there for me husband was always at work but I love him dearly but she needed me hes a man he can cope.  Lost my lovley mum last September  was so close too then lost a horse before daisy  didn't thinkmid lose my baby this year she was 9 and a half came everywhere  with us never left her alone she doted on me  last November  she was diagnosed  with diabetes  as I have it too and insulin as well she had to have it twice a day she tolerated them but not keen  they told us she probably lose her sight in 6 months ... no  I thought not  my baby she cant...not even 6 months  4 months  I noticed catatacts I wanted to get one eye done  about 3 thousand they said  I was going to do it then found out she had dcm a heart problem  so bless her  it couldnt happen it broke me knowing she couldn't  see  I cried alone  not in front of her   but she was amazing  she got around really well  so clever  she knew all her  routes .  She  then stopped eating for a day with diabetis  this is a big worry with low sugar  then was sick  a little  so vet found in the end she had womb infection  said she had little chance with her heart condition  so we had to make that awful decision  my worst fear  happened I couldnt be with her due to  Clovis  was devastated she needed me the most and I was not allowed to be there that's devastating then an issue with an emergency vets  that gave her 3 injections  and made her worse  he  made  us very depressed what he did  how he made he go the last night in our house  he ruined it  horrible man it's now 6vweeks cant bare being at home so stayed in my tourer near my brother's  shop so could be with him most days  he took mums  little jack on when we lost mum he  loves  them too  I still cant cope back home today but still cant bear it cuddling her  Ted's smelling her fleece they still smell of her beautiful  fur cant bare  it still need help  dont want to live sorry guys it's a long story just still broken xxxx

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Hi, I'm glad you're here.  A bit hard to understand as a run-on sentence, but I did gather that your sweet dalmatian passed, following other losses you've had...I am so sorry for your losses!  I had a dalmatian/whippet, she was afraid of everything, we called her a Whimpet teasingly, she was so sweet and well behaved!  I lost my "soulmate in a dog" Arlie, it's a year in ten days, still not "over it" and never will be, best I could hope for was to try to adjust to the changes it meant to my loss, living w/o him here.  I lost my husband way too young, 15 years ago and Arlie was my life, my companion, best friend.  So I know how hard it is to try to go on, I cried my eyes out in the beginning, the tears eventually ran out but the grief is inside my heart and I carry it each moment of my life...As if that wasn't enough, I lost my 25 year old Kitty just a few months later.  I lost her sister four years ago.  So the family of four is now me left.

I hear your shock and pain, I wish there was something I could say that would help you, I know how hard it is.  This pandemic makes loss all the worse as people can't be with those they love when they're dying.  I pray it was peaceful and quick for her.

 

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Henry little man

I am so sad for all of you. Life sucks without my best friend. I miss how he snuggled me when we slept, he had to have at least one paw touching me. I want him to follow me and let me know that it’s ok. I want to find him and be with him. I want his fluffy ears on my cheek and I want to smell him. I want to talk him. 
I don’t want to feel so empty. I would be ok with going to find him, it’s kind of a very exciting thought but I know what it means to others and how it would destroy their lives and that is what thought I use to not go find him. I miss every moment of every day. Whenever something good happens I wish he was here to be part of it. I look forward to seeing him again one day. Henry the little man and the love of my life

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I just lost my 6 mos old pup. she got hit by a motorcycle. i keep blaming myself for letting her off leash. I was training her to walk with me reason she was off-leashed for 2 weeks already, and we go out only 4am that way it is too early not much vehicles were passing by. I never cross the road without making sure it is safe for both of us. I did see a light from afar as i estimated it, it was really far so I crossed the road thinking my pup is behind me, I looked behind and called her just as I saw everything, the motorcycle suddenly hit her, they were over speeding. My pup got thrown away, I ran to her and held her, but she was hit so bad her bones were broken. I was so sad about what happened. I felt that the driver was supposed to hit and run , if not one of the back ride tried to jump so they all fell just a few feet away where they hit my pup.   One of the driver was injured. There were 2 motorcycle together with 3 people riding in each, also learned hat they do not have a license.  The injured driver contacted me after 2 days to the police station asking for financial help for his treatment. The only fault I have is letting my dog walk without her leash. But I helped a little anyway. I felt pity for the driver, lucky for him the inspector  felt pity of him too that he was not given a ticket or penalty. But what I am dealing with is grief, guilt, self-blame, loneliness, depression. I can't help but cry every time I remember my dog. I see him in every corner of our house and I kept blaming myself for  what happened. I want to forget and forgive myself but it may take a long process. I cry everyday. I used to see her beside me when I sleep and when I wake up she was there. When I brush my teeth, she would usually ask me to brush hers too. I felt like I lost a child, it is even more painful than all my break ups. I do not know what to do, how to actually forget and stop from crying. I wanted to get another dog but, I am afraid that I might not be able to take care of one again, or I might think of my old pup all the time if get another one. I am even afraid to go out again when it is still dark, It could've been me, who got hit, Sometimes I wish it was me.  this is affecting me so much emotionally and mentally. I want a diversion, I tried everything. I still kept thinking of her and cry, I want to move on. I kept saying "I am sorry" to my dog. But it will not change anything. 

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Oh no what a tragic accident for everyone. I am so so sorry to hear about your sweet puppy. It's incredibly hard to lose them but especially so suddenly in such a shocking way. 

There really is no escaping our grief. You just learn to live with it day after day. You will eventually find some peace. It will happen you just need to give it time. And eventually when you are ready, you can get another dog. And you can take a horrible painful lesson and do things differently in the future.  

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On 12/5/2020 at 7:23 PM, Henry little man said:

Henry the little man and the love of my life

 

On 12/8/2020 at 9:23 AM, AnP said:

I just lost my 6 mos old pup. she got hit by a motorcycle.

I am so sorry you both suffered a loss.  For some reason this just now showed up today, I apologize for the delay.

It's the hardest thing in the world to lose our companion, they were with us 24/7, esp. in this pandemic time.  Arlie was my soulmate in a dog, he's been gone since 8/16/19 (cancer).  I want to share this short video with you both:

 

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I'm devastated, I lost my best pal Goldie on Saturday, he was a 14 yo lab mix who I had for 9 years. No renal function. He was my purpose in life and my whole day. Diagnosed with kidney probs 3 years ago. This became an obsession with me, I wanted to keep him going and we did at least 9 miles every day up till the Thursday. I think I may have deprived him of food he really wants, I feel so bad as it was more or less a special diet for years. I stopped taking him to the vet as it was doom and gloom even though he was still running about. Last week I kinda knew he wasn't right he had a sore mouth so wasn't eating much. But still wanted out a lot. So I kept going with him, even on the Fri he wants on a favourite walk and was slow but OK. Afternoon out again, but night didn't want out, first time ever. Slept but Saturday morning was quite ill, I had thought onthe Fri to get chicken and rice to build him up a bit and get him eating, as I wanted to try something myself to hopefully make him eat. I didn't want to go and hear that he had to be put down. But the Saturday he was clearly now worse. I feel so bad I made him suffer that last morning, I should have taken him the Fri and spared him that. But I thought I knew best. So after all the great days, I'm left knowing i let him down at the end I'm so sad I don't want to go on. 

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I feel similar in many ways. I want MY dog’s life back. He was so loyal and sweet.  He was 10 and had CHF and died in front of my kitchen stove on a carpet. He was playing with his toys just before his heart attack. His name was Wilson and I miss him running across the room out of nowhere jumping in my lap and licking my whole face to let me know he loved me. What a wonderful and cherished dog he was and he wanted to go everywhere with me. He was my service dog. He crossed the rainbow bridge November 21, 2020. I thought I was going to have a heart attack with him and I do have a heart condition. In ways, I wish we would have gone together. I miss him so much it does make my heart ache. 

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@Deanne B  I am so sorry for your loss.  It's one of the hardest losses I know, it reminded me of losing my sweet husband all those years ago.  I love and miss my Arlie each and every day, it's been over a year, but he was my soulmate in a dog, you don't get over that.  I understand wishing you could have gone together.  (((hugs)))

Gary, I'm sorry, I know how hard it is.  I, too, felt that I should have somehow been able to prevent Arlie's death.  I know it doesn't do any good to berate ourselves, they don't, they appreciate everything we did for them and know we love them.  But the xxx vets should have diagnosed him sooner, he had his physical just two weeks before, how come they didn't notice anything then?  Maybe it still wouldn't have made a difference, but he went in for all his regular checkups, I feel they let us down.  He was such a wonderful dog, he should have been able to live longer.  

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@Deanne BI'm so sorry, he sounds so wonderful and loving, and full of fun. It's these moments that we miss, the running jumping or barking. I'm like you, I wish I could have gone with my pal Goldie. I find writing helps a bit, it kind of seems to deal with thoughts as they come up.

@KayCyes you're right,i suppose they know we love them. We go round and round, I've had the same thoughts of what if, new thoughts, then old thoughts again. It's the emptiness that's so sad. I'm sitting on the bed now drinking tea, it's 1730 here, like we did most evenings. Soon it would have been time for the evening walk. I'm telling him it's soon time to go out. If only we could. 

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Continue to invite him on your walks, who knows?....

What-ifs are common in grief, it gets us nowhere but we still drive ourselves crazy with them!  It's our way of trying to find a different possible outcome, only there's only one outcome and that's the reality we're living now.  :(

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Yes Kay I think I will. I've been saying things to him occasionally, like when I came in from the shop that he'd get out in a while. If he's around me I should ask if he's coming if I go out. So thanks. 

I'm now on a Facebook page Karen Anderson Animal Communication, she seems good and I downloaded her book about the afterlife of pets. I'll try anything to make sense of it all. 

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I have a neighbor that does rescue and she has an animal communicator she works with to find missing pets.  I've never used one, keep us posted!

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