Lost my purpose

[Old Doris]

I lost my daughter (28), my only child, when she took her own life just before Christmas 2017. I found her.

She had been in a very toxic relationship for over 2 years but she always felt it was trying for. Despite my and many of her friends trying to support and counsel her, she just stuck with it but we watched a bubbly, intelligent and beautiful young lady just lose her sparkle, self-respect and eventually her desire to live. Her boyfriend belittled her in front of her friends and work colleagues, left her vicious and insulting voicemails, abandoned her on nights out and spoiled events that she was looking forward to. I was aware that he was an occasional cocaine user but that his usage was escalating. 

He would call her, making insults and accusations and then block her, just to keep her off balance. She would go frantic trying to call or text him. She would stay at his flat most weekends and an occasional night of the week, excitedly shopping and cooking dinner and he would throw her out in the early hours of the morning, calling the police to have her removed as he did not want her there etc. Then he would buy her a present, apologise, say he would get some help with his "issues" etc. 

My daughter was not a soppy, silly girl. She held down a good, responsible job. Her work colleagues adored her. She was sassy, smart, kind and tiny, a little pocket rocket.

I feel empty, but I am trying to raise awareness of the warning signs of gaslighting and coercive, controlling behaviours. I do not want her death to be for nothing and I am trying to be clear headed and strong, I even managed to deliver the eulogy at her funeral, but now my moods are all over the place, coping one minute and desolate the next. She pops up in everything I do, supermarkets are about the worst places. I recently got a very mixed set of reactions when I just broke down in front of a shelf of peanut butter, smooth or crunchy! I am trying to deal with coroners and police enquiries, sort out bank accounts and car insurance and a well-meaning compassion overload. My partner keeps telling me that he knows how I feel, and that I have his two sons and their children BUT THEY ARE NOT MINE! Does that make me mean-spirited or selfish?

She would ring me 6 or 7 times a day and now my mobile rarely rings, no missed calls. I just want her to come home.

[My girl is in heaven]

Doris.  I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  For sure the grocery store is a hard one. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and I still get twinges in the grocery store but they don’t cut as deep as they did in the beginning.  Your daughter sounds like a wonderful young lady . Your grief is so new and raw right now.  One day, one hour or one minute is all u can do right now.  You are not being mean spirited.  You are her mama and always will be.  That is a special bond that you will always share.  I know all the mixed reactions your going thru.  One day u think you can make it thru and then a trigger, a song, favourite food, seeing her stuff, something will come up and you will stumble and fall.  If you go back to the top of the page and click on loss of an adult child there’s a green and white circle and then two arrows >> and that will take you to the most recent post.  That is where you will find lots of parents, kind compassionate with thier arms stretched out to hug you.  We have all been and are in your shoes.  I know you can’t see it now but someday this grieve will weave its way into a new life, one that none of us wanted, but had no choice.   There is no manual on what to do when you lose a child.  You will grieve in your own time and own way.  Two steps forward and three back.  But you never have to walk this journey alone, ever.  We are all here for you.  We all understand your pain and sorrow.  Just reach out and we are there.  My email address ltaylor50@rogers.com if you feel like emailing.  Remember just one day at a time right now my friend.  Hugs Luanne. 

[Tommy's mum]

 

olddoris I am sorry for the loss of your daughter it must leave a hole in your life when you are used to hearing from her so often. She sounds like she put up with a lot from her abusive partner and that he helped to disrupt her sanity and self will and it was all too much to deal with. It is not your fault she was an adult and needed to make her own decisions. She just could not see any way forward that would make everything ok.  Reading about how she was bullied and humiliated and coerced was so sad.You are not selfish missing your own child, was she your only? Having step children or even other blood children does not make the mourning process any easier. It is normal to have conflicting and sometimes irrational emotions you feel out of control and crazy. Do you live in Essex UK or somewhere else? There is 1 other Brit besides me on the forum  Louanne mentioned to you, most of them are American or Canadian but it does not matter where you come from. On Loss of a child click on the topic Loss of an adult child by Mom of Justin at the top the one with huge numbers of views and go to the very last page and post on it. This where most of us communicate it keeps us all in one place and is a great supportive community for bereaved parents. join us there.