Lost My 24 Year Old Son, now my Sister is being awful toward me

[Parker’s Mom]

I am grateful to have found my way here.  I hope others can help, I have run into a surprising thing with my sister and dad.  My son, Parker, died a month ago.  I am devastated.  It was a complete surprise.  He died of a seizure.  I have been through waves of guilt, anger, frustration, intense sadness, depression, and also in some ways peace. I have begun to accept that no matter what I do, how I feel, what I talk about, or how I deal, the undeniable truth is he is never coming back.  This is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I have been through some really tough times.  I am a survivor, but this, nothing can prepare you for this.  It is too much to handle some times.  People who have been through this will know exactly what I am going through.

But to make matters worse, my sister is being really awful toward me.  As we were getting everything figured out, we tried to set up the Celebration of Life soon as many people were devastated.  He had a huge impact on people and was loved by many.  So before anything was even set in stone as to when we were going to do this, I contacted my sister, and asked her when she could be here.  At that point in time, it was wide open.

I knew my sister had a difficult schedule, so I asked her first when she could come for the Celebration of Life.  It was complicated, but many people were grieving and needed closure, including me.  She told me flat out that it wasn’t convenient for her until after Christmas.  I felt crushed, but had so much going on that I couldn’t even attend to it.  At first, my dad was supportive of me about that.  But just yesterday my sister got really angry with me for saying that I thought her not being there was unforgivable.  First, I didn’t say that, and second, and would have had to have come from my dad.  I did say I was really disappointed in her not being there.  I have also told her that directly.

I am grieving for my son, I am feeling like the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen, has happened.  And it feels to my like my sister is somehow making this about her.  If she really couldn’t have come, which I don’t buy, but let’s say that was true, all she would have had to have said to me was that she is sorry she couldn’t have been there, not that it was inconvenient for her.  I told her how that made me feel, but even worse, her saying the awful things she said is like salt in the wound.  The bottom line is she wasn’t there for me, and that hurts.

I have a huge amount of support from literally everyone else in my life, and have had nothing but kindness and understanding, except for from my sister and my dad.  I don’t get it.  My sister is definitely a selfish person but this takes the cake.  I don’t even feel like I can deal with this.  My head is spinning at the loss of my child, and someone in my family has to be so cruel.  I won’t go into all the horrible things she said to me, but suffice it to say that it makes it pretty clear that her job, her time, her life, and her in general are more important than anyone else, in her mind.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I do feel really angry that she would choose now to be so awful.  I wish I knew what to do, I have already made it abundantly clear that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is behaving selfishly.  I told her she needs to apologize to me, but I doubt if that will happen.  I wish there was something else I could do to feel better about this whole mess.  

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation, you are grieving a hug loss and people close to you act like complete jerks.  I’ve got to say, I am rally shocked at people’s behavior sometimes.

[Tommy's mum]

parkersmom firstly I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your son Parker, it is an awful pain that cuts deeply I understand it well. Grief is very complicated and affects everyone differently. maybe your sister just could not cope with attending the celebration because it was painful and scary and she should have been honest instead of coming back at you with displaced anger and hurtful words. You are grieving for your son and it is difficult to accept that some family are not able to be there for you in your time of need. Many of us have also experienced family not acting the way we think they should and it is devastating but we are all human and full of faults. This grief is very very recent emotions are raw and exposed, so sit back and grieve in your own way and let some time go by for the shock to settle. Maybe in time your sister and dad will see things more clearly and realise they were not supportive enough and come through for you. There is no protocol for dealing with grief it drives us all a bit crazy. My family were very supportive although my ex husband wound up our children and wanted things his own way even though our son had estranged himself from his father for a couple of years. I lost my son Tommy in Aug 2015 and it a loss I feel deeply every day. My family do not talk much about him and I have had the "life goes on" lecture from my dad who I love dearly. i have come to realise everyone is different and just because they do not grieve openly or visit his special place he is still in their hearts and minds and they remember and mourn in their own way which is completely different from mine. That is ok I choose my own path and do what I feel is right for me. This support group has been a lifeline for me and I am so grateful for the advice care and support I have received over the years. My sister thinks it is morbid and keeps me from moving forward and I know my parents would not use such a support system, but I do I know it helps to be with parents who understand the devastation and how grief crazes your mind and damages your heart and soul and warps your reality in the early days. try not to be angry with your family they do not get it like we do and come here to post about Parker and tell us more about him. you need help to traverse this sorrowful pathway and it can be lonely at times. not all friendships survive the passage of time either as some people think there is an appropriate time line for grieving and then you buck up put it behind you and carry on. not true it is a lifetime loss for a parent and sibling but the idea that all families are made stronger and more united after a death is a fallacy. A loss of a loved one can implode a family and cause rifts. just know feelings are very mixed at the moment and time does ease some of the emotions. Take it one day at a time and do what is right for your healing and let them settle into their own feelings which will probably change over time.