Members jbeanie Posted December 12, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2017 i have been with my partner for 28 years and he was previously married and him and his ex wife had a son together we live in a different state and on Saturday we recieved a phone call that was from his ex wife in hysterics she was in her sons room and he was not breathing he was 30 years old he had passed in his sleep , my partner flew immediately to Vic to be with his Ex wife (as he should be) and because it was so sudden and quick l was not able to go with him to support him the reality is that he is a casual worker and we need my income to survive and also pets at home and no one that can stay with them , so he needed me to stay home. His taking it very hard as he spoke and saw his son regually but things have become really hard for me being here alone l loved him for 28 years also he was part of my life and my partner last night was acting strange he was extremely drunk ringing me at 2am and 3am saying some extremely hurtful things and even things that lead me to believe he might try to kill himself (my father passed away from suicide and he knows talk like that sends me into a deep depression) He has called today no mention of his drunken calls and has not been nasty today on the phone , l just do not know how to help him l listen l say nothing because anytime l tried to comfort him hisended up him wanting to argue with me and we are generally not like that we argue but not often , l am hurting so badly l loved him and l adore his ex wife also who is a wonderful person l am screwing up in helping him, can someone please suggest anything l can do the wait is agony for my partner waiting to know when they can bury him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted December 12, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2017 jbeanie it is lovely you are looking for support to offer your longterm partner after the sudden death of his adult son. On loss of an adult child thread we are in the majority fathers and mothers that have also lost children/adult children so we understand what your partner is going through. Being drunk is a common habit to fall into in the early days to cope with the shocking loss and avoid your feelings but as you know is not really beneficial. Men frequently tend to react with anger at first because they feel they should have been able to prevent bad things happening (they could not of course, none of us can see into the future) and do not like that loss of control. in bereavement there are so many conflicting emotions and you flip flop all over the place, one minute angry, then devastated, then needing answers, then angry ,then numb, the emotions cycle randomly and you are not in control over them at all. Anger is an emotion that always comes from something else like fear, frustration loss of control, anxiety, shame or guilt. His parents need some answers for sure but autopsy results etc take time and there needs to probably be a police investigation to see if the son was a suicide or drug overdose, had a genetic undiagnosed disease or killed by someone else. All horrifying thoughts I know. The answers will come but it does take a while and it is very hard to be patient and wait. Once the coroner and police are satisfied they will then release his body so his parents can arrange a service/ burial/cremation etc. You are doing the right thing letting him talk and telling him that you have not been in that same situation so you don't know but are trying to understand and support him. It must be hard to hear his pain and very worrying especially if he makes threats to himself but that is common too so bear that in mind. Not everyone that goes through this actually acts out the threat it is just because you feel like your life has been forever ruined and because you miss your child so much you want to be with them. He and his ex will hopefully come together and help support each other and you continue to be there for him by phone until he comes home again. There are probably articles online that will offer you some insights on the grieving journey too. It is a long and painful process that has to be worked on to get to the stage when there is some acceptance and can take many many months to happen. I wish you luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jbeanie Posted December 15, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted December 15, 2017 Thank you so much for you advise they have released the body now and he will be laid to rest in 5 days my partner seems to be coping but the moods change quickly he is wanting to get home and back to work the day after the funeral he thinks he will help all l can do is try and be supportive , they also were given the prelimonary autopsy results and that has given him some peace his son he thought had a flu bug passed in his sleep from a seizure and was in no pain this has given him some answers until the full results are back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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