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My best friend died and I feel empty inside


Santiago

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So, I adopted Toby 3 years ago, one day when I was leaving for school. I was 17 years old. We found him in our street,
passing by infront of our home. It was pure chance. My sister went near him to pet him, and ehen she opend the car door, he just jumped in. It was amazing. Long story short, it was me who was exited as hell and started taking care of him and everything he needed. He realized that, and became my shadow. Where I went, he would go with me. We were one and the same. When we took him to the vet the day we found him, the doctor told us he was already an old dog (8-10 years) and that he had been mistreated, so he had health and trust issues. At home we loved him, and treated him like our king. I made sure he got all his  heart and arthritis medicines in time, I fed him, walked him, he even slept with me. And so, 3 wonderfull years went by. About a week and a half ago, he stoped eating, and my dad noticed while I was at my university's campus that he had diarrhea. With blood on it. That day in the evening we rushed to the doctor and he told us he would run some tests an would have the results next monday (october 30). He gave us some suerum to feed him with, and pills for a possible intestinal infection. Then my precious boy had the worst weekend he ever had. He didnt move at all. Just to poop an impressive amount of bloody diarrhea. Then, he would just crumble and lay on the floor. I was scared af and feard the worst, I knew this was the end. On monday the results came in and confirmed my fears: renal and hepatic failure. Toby was beyond repair. For three years I did everything to make sure he was happy, healthy, comfortable, well fed. I did everything I could to make sure he knew how much I loved him. And now, the only thing I could do to help him was letting go, giving him a quick and painless death. I was devastated. I still am. I spent tuesday at home with him. I hugged hin as much as I could, I talked to him, thanked him for everything, told him I loved him and that I didnt know how to live without him. On wednesday morning, november 1st, my dad and I took him to the vet to be euthanized. We remained by his side until the bitter end. I was scratching him behind his ear (he loved it) when he stopped breathing. We asked him to be cremated, and I picked up his ashes just yesterday. This is the first time I lose someone so close to me. I had never cried this much, nor had I ever felt this broken and lonley. I cant stand getting home without Toby waiting for me, exited and happy because I was finally here. I cant stand waking up without him by my side. I cant stand going to bed and not hear his heavy-sleepy breathing. He followed me all over the place, so every room holds endless memories that leave me in tears when I walk in. My parents and sister dont understand why am I still so sad, but my conection with my dog was very different from what each had with him. Every time I start crying over Toby, they ask me to stop. It's only been a few days and they already expect me to live as if he had never been there. I really dont understand why are they reacting like this, nor why they cant understand or even respect my pain. As I said, I feel broken, empty, sad, angry and lonley. I know that by letting Toby die, I did the right thing. Not doing it would have been selfish and inhuman, as it would only had prolonged his suffering. I feel like Ive fallen to a bottomless pit and theres no way out. I dont know how to handle this. I dont know what to do. I dont know how am I supposed to live without mybest friend.

 

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Dear Santiago, I am  so sorry for the loss of your Toby. He looks so sweet . My heart goes out to you .I know the pain is unbearable. After my kitty died I cannot stand being in my house .Though I have my family and other kitties, it feels empty. Living without them is so hard,there is not enough motivation to go on. I wish I could make your pain less but I know I cannot. It is something we have to go through and take it one day at a time. You did the right thing to end his suffering .You gave this abused doggie the best three years of his life and he passed in your arms.Please take some comfort in this.

Your parents and sister had a different relationship with him ,they cannot understand your pain no matter how much they care for you. Many people don't understand the bond we have with our pets.But you have to cry, if not in front of them, to let your feelings  out. Allow yourself to express it all. If you can, get out of your house for some time every day, to give yourself some breathing space. Talk to friends who understand. And come here to write what you feel. We are here to listen and share. You are not alone.

 

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Hello Santiago, I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss of sweet Toby! What a cute little face.

I know how much pain you are in. When I lost my cat in a sudden tragic way I was totally heartbroken. It took a while but the pain diminished even though I miss him terribly.  So Toby's presence is missing now and it is a huge hole and it will take some time. Let yourself grieve over him. I let myself cry a lot.  

Ignore people who do not understand, come here! We here in this forum understand your pain. We have to come here to share with other pet lovers of our devastating loss because some people do not understand as we do. 

Something brought Toby and you together and you had three wonderful years. How lucky that you found each other! And you that treated him like a 'King' and he loved you so so much. What a wonderful love story. Again I wish I could say something to make you feel better. We all have been where you are. All you can do is survive one day at a time and cherish the time you did have. Wishing you peace. Please share as you need to. 

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Santiago,

I am so sorry...you have loved to the fullest and now you are grieving to the fullest.  There is nothing greater than being a dog's parent.  They are our best friend, our companion, so loving, so accepting, but losing them, oh how hard that is!

You say you can't understand your family's response...everyone grieves differently, and as you've already surmised, our love, our relationships are individual.

I'm so glad Toby found you.  I can't even imagine anyone treating him badly, but I'm glad he had a happy three years with you.

You don't know how to go on without him, that is the hard part, but we need to remember to breathe, to eat something healthy, drink some water.  Try to keep busy, but we can't avoid the pain, we learn to sit with it and feel it.  It won't always be this intense but it is hard to get through.  I thank God for this place because it really does help to have others that have been there and understand.

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It's been two weeks and a half sincr I had to euthanize my dog. Toby was around 13 years old, but he had only been with me for 3 years, as my sister and I picked him up from the streets when we were 17. In a way, Toby adopted me, and became my shadow. I took care of him all these years: I fed him, I bathed him, I made sure he got his meds on time and all. We even slept together. Since he arrived to my life he had always had health issues, as he was and old dog, who had been mistreated and spent god knows how much time wandering alone int he streets of my city. Nevertheless, he was happy with us. We spoiled him: what Toby wanted, Toby got. My mom even joked around calling him "King Toby", and saying I was his personal buttler. Wich is kinda true. On the last week of October, Toby stopped eatting, and he threw up a bit. We took him to the vet and he sent my boy some gastro meds, hopping he would get better. By friday  he was way worse, and  had diarrhea, bloody diarrhea. We rushed to the vet, and they conducted some tests, and the results were expected to arrive on Monday. By Sunday, Toby was at all unable to move, and I feared the worst. I was sure this was the end of the line for my little friend. When the results got back on Monday afternoon, my world just shattered to pieces. Toby had a devastating renal and hepatic failure. And with all the diarrhea problem, he was anemic, dehydrated and malnourished. As Toby and I were one and the same, my family turned to me to make the decision: fill him with drugs to see how he managed, or let him go. I realized I could do nothing to save him, and forcing his little failing sistem to work would be cruel and selfish of me. It was time. So, I decided to euthanize him on Wednesday, November first. I stayed with him till the end, and Toby passed away in my arms. This is the hardest desicion I've made in my life, and it has haunted me since. I'm full of doubt and guilt, and I don't know if I made the right choice. I miss him terribly and my life seems so empty without him. It's impossible for me to explain how much I loved my dog. Picking up his ashes 2 days later in this tiny and cold ceramic box finished shattering my soul, as if it wasn't shattered enough. I am currently finishing my third semester in Mechanichal Engineering, and school has just been overwhelming. It's really hard for me to concentrate, I'm unable to solve simple problems and I just can't think straight. I fear I might even lose my scholarship. Toby was my best friend, and I took care of him as he was my  own son. In my country it's not okay for a man to cry, so I've buried all my sorrow deep inside me, crying my myself to sleep most of the nights while feeling the cold and emptiness of the spot where Toby use to lay next to me. This last 3 weeks have easily been the worst of my life, and I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a very tall cliff, or down in the bottom of an endless pit. I had never been this lost or alone.

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Santiago it is good that you are writing in this forum .I understand your feelings so well,  everyone here does.I am so sorry for what you're going through....Before  losing my kitty  I never knew one could feel pain at such a depth and intensity.Loosing a pet is one of the deepest losses in this world. We lose our self, our sense of purpose and our lives fall apart.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Please try to hold yourself together and take it one day at a time. I know you can't think straight but maybe one thing that could motivate you right now is your Toby's love.He wouldn't want to see you lose your scholarship...He wanted the best for you as you did for him.                                                                                                                                                       You did the right thing for him and you did it out of love. Please don't feel guilty, it was the most kind and humane thing to do.Toby passed away in your arms and he felt your love until the end. There was nothing more you could have done for him. Please be at peace with this.                                                                                                                                             Let  yourself cry whenever you can and where you feel safe, even if this is only in your room. You have to express your grief and the pressure to "act like a man" doesn't help .                Please know you're not alone  in this. We understand and we're here for you. I wish you comfort and healing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

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Santiago, As Maria said, it is good you returned here to this forum to get your feelings out. You can share all the pain you are going through here.  Please do not haunt yourself with needless guilt. Toby was very sick. You did the right thing, letting him go rather than forcing him to suffer. 

I know how much it hurts that Toby is no longer with you. My cat used to snuggle up next to me in bed and it is horrible to not have him now.  

It took me a couple weeks before I could do anything at all (I work from home.) besides lay in bed and watch mindless t.v. I finally was able to put my focus onto work tasks. I had to. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change Toby's passing, don't let it make your life even more difficult. Maybe force yourself to focus on your studies for a few hours knowing you can then rest and grieve. 

Everything you are going through is part of this process. It will slowly get better. Not that you will ever forget Toby but you learn to live as things are now. Be kind to yourself and patient. My heart goes out to you.  

 

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Santiago,

Your post really spoke to me.  When my son was in college getting his mechanical, electrical and computer engineering degrees, his beloved dog, Skye, had to be put to sleep.  he had a rectal tumor that burst, plus he was crippled and couldn't walk and incontinent.  It was past time.  Four years later he's still on his Facebook profile background, even though he now has a wife, two babies, and two other dogs.  Skye will always be missed.  I have him on my checks so every time I write one, there's Skyedoggy.   I encourage you to try to blot it out when you're in school and focus on your homework and projects.  Give yourself time to cry on your off times.  It's hard, but I'd hate to see you let it lose your scholarship, it's a once in a lifetime thing.  I hope you'll also let your professors know what's going on, that you've suffered a close loss and are having a hard time focusing.  Sometimes they'll cut some slack, it doesn't hurt to try.

I do know how much it hurts, how much you miss Toby, how much a part of you he was and is.  You made the right choice because it was with HIM at heart, not yourself.

These articles are very helpful, I hope you'll read them.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

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Its been 3 weeks since I said my last goodbye to Toby. 3 weeks since I watched him take his last breath. I've tried my best to stay occupied, doing homework, staying at my universitiy's campus working on my projects, reading or going out with my friends. But no matter how hard I try, I always end up thinking about him. About how much I miss him, about all the things I want to tell him. I can't help but stare at his empty chilling spot. I can't help but go through all the photos I took over the years. I dream with him often, but the dreams are not happy ones. Usually they revolve around the last days, and they are charged with stress and sadness. Sometimes, I dream that people call me a "murderer" for euthanizing him. Those are the worst. I wake up in tears, afraid, angry, frustrated. Sometimes I dream he's standing far away, and no matter how hard or for how long I run, I can't get to him. It's still hard for me to concentrate, and I have the feeling that those around me are starting to get tired of my permanent-stand-by operation mode. I am just getting by in an automatic way. It still amazes me how fast everything went downhill, how fast I lost him. I lost half my life that day. November first. And now here I am, just watching the days go by.

Maria9, KayC and AJWCat, I just wanted to thank you all and let you know I really apreciate your kind words. It's surprising how 3 complete strangers have given me more support and tools to get by than most people here at home. People I thought had my back didn't mind at all about my loss (though I don't wanna take caredit from the friends who lent me their shoulder). It's nice to know that even though I feel surounded by a neverending empty void, theres someone out there who understands. I really can't thank you enough.

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Santiago, I am so glad we could help you even a bit. Your friends and family all mean well, but of course they are helpless to help you. And, if they don't have the very strong emotions like we all do here about our pets, they might not "get it."

The first month is so so hard. You sound a little better, glad you are able to function, get your work done. I remember feeling like a robot the first month exactly like you. Go through the motions. Eat, sleep, do whatever. Nothing really brought happiness let alone joy. I remember I couldn't even sing to the radio - I was not happy enough with life to do that. 

The first time I really laughed at something after my cat passed I was almost surprised because I wondered how that could ever happen again. So, here I am 3+ months later and I am functioning well and reasonably happy and yet still I miss my cat terribly. :( So, it is just a process.  

I feel bad about your dreams. I read once that you should try to program your mind before sleep of what you want to dream. You write out what you want to happen. Maybe do a little research on that and try it. I had one weird dream about my cat which I barely remember and nothing else. I would love to have a good dream about him too. 

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Santiago I am glad we are helping you, you shouldn't be alone in this .The pain is so overwhelming, it has to be shared. You cannot avoid thinking about your doggie or missing him, but you're doing the best thing by staying occupied, or at least trying to. Grief can be like quicksand ,pulling us down and down, until we cannot get out of bed. Try to resist this pull.It's o.k. to be in a "stand-by" mode and it's natural too. Do not force yourself to be otherwise, even if those around you maybe impatient with your "condition". You need time to grieve and time to heal, like with any major loss ,and many people, though they mean well, do not understand pet loss.

I am sorry you are having these dreams.Maybe you could try some relaxation technique before falling asleep, to quieten your mind. And you're not a murderer, don't let your mind tell you such things!

Santiago I know how it is. When my kitty died I lost half my life too....It takes time. Please take care of yourself.

 

 

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel the exact same way. My 3 year old fur baby was hit by a car less than a week ago and we had to put him down. My mother and I had just arrived from running errands. There was a truck parked on our driveway so I pulled to the side and dropped my mom off. For some unknown reason I looked back noticed my dog was laying on the floor and she was struggling to pick him up. I thought he just didn’t want to get up but then I decided to turn back around. He had been hit and was bleeding. I rushed him to the hospital. Called all the near ones around me but they wouldn’t take him so I finally found a 24 hr emergency hospital. I waited around and then I got the call from the doctor who told he he would need surgery from a specialist he quoted me 10,000-15,000 plus all the extra care. I was willing to pay anything. Then he called back and said he would need another surgery which would be more. Thankfully my bf and I have been saving for a down payment for a house in the future. I was willing to give anything up for him. Unfortunately, he told us he didn’t recommend it because nothing would guarantee that he would be okay. He was way too hurt. We had to make the decision of putting him down. I’ve been feeling horrible, guilty, sad and angry. I’m so mad at myself I keep going back and thinking of all the different things that I could’ve done to avoid this. Maybe if I would’ve been home a couple minutes earlier, maybe if I wouldn’t of pulled to the side, maybe if I wouldn’t  of left. I promised him he was going to be okay and I let him down. He was so crazy, full of life, he loved being cradled like a baby, he was a sweet boy. A big baby. I can’t help but think that he deserved so much more. He was in pain. I keep wondering who opened the door (maybe my grandmother who is at an old stage and doesn’t really understand things, forgets etc,) maybe my dad when he came back home and maybe he didn’t see him sneek out, I don’t know) but every time I keep going back to the same question “why didn’t I just stay home”. I didn’t lose my dog I lost my baby, my crazy big boy. So fluffy, so cuddly so wild. I lost him and he deserved so much more. I’m in so much pain. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry and ask if he wanted us to keep going with the surgery or end his pain. I’m not sure I made the right decision. I keep asking myself why I didn’t get another diagnosis from another doctor. I feel lost. He was going to be cremated but I couldn’t bare the idea of him being put in a freezer with other babies or having the ashes not be his. I went back the next day and brought my baby back with me. It was horrible one moment he is jumping everywhere destroying my couch, cuddling next to me and the next he is in a box wrapped frozen lifeless. I  don’t want to get up from bed, I’m in pain, everything I do, around me reminds me of him. But everyone around me keeps telling me that he is in a better place no more pain. And that I need to move on. I don’t want to move on at least not right now. I hate that I’ve been feeling like I have to shut my feelings for everyone else, to not remember him and feel the pain. I miss him terrribly. I have two other babies (fur babies) and they keep telling me that I need to look after them now. And although I know I do, I’m just not okay right now. I don’t understand why I have to shut my feelings and my pain. I want to be left alone but everyone comes knocking at my door telling me I need to get up and move on, telling me that life continues and that they/we have things to do other than being sad. I know they mean no harm but it’s making me feel guilty that I’m causing so much trouble in their lives. It also feels me with anger because this was my baby he loved me unconditionally. I know I’ll be okay eventually but I lost part of my family, part of my heart. 

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:wub2:  I answered on your thread here so won't repeat myself, but my heart goes out to you.

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