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This hurts so much - my ex in-laws


Paluka

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2 hours ago, Paluka said:

There are very brief moments when I feel like "hey, you can do this. Feeling a little better today." However, these moments last for a few seconds and I crash again...overwhelmed, miserable, shattered. 

Totally get it, Paluka. I had those moments a lot in my beginning weeks and months. You just don't know what to do with yourself. One moment you think you are going to be okay, that you can do this, and the next moment you're on the floor sobbing your heart out. It is the way of grief and I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

Don't worry about visitation dreams so much. Especially with not being able to remember. Our constant pain has a way of blocking our mind from remembering. I know that I was having visitation dreams when I would wake up crying. I had that sense that I had been with my husband and I couldn't stay where he was. Maybe that is what you are experiencing too when you wake up crying.

Hang in there. We'll do our best to be here for you.

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

And everynight, I have a dream in which he tries to convince me that he is not dead. He mocks me and asks why on earth I would think such a thing. And I wake up feeling worse than ever. 

Because he's not "dead". Not in the way we think of death. His physical body is dead, but his soul, with memories and personality attached, is very much alive in that other realm of life we call the afterlife (Heaven). When I had my first medium reading after my husband passed, through the mediums connection, he passed onto me that he is not dead. He is still very much "alive" and with me here. He is just in spirit form, which we cannot see. In the afterlife, communication is done telepathically. My husband has given some great validations of what has taken place for me since he's been gone. He even knew my daughter would be moving in with me before she even said a word to me about it. When we pass on to the next life, we gain a lot of wisdom and we know the bigger picture of what is really going on with this life and death stuff.

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Thank you all. It helps to realize that it is a temporary state of intense emotional pain. I've been a puddle of tears all day long and remain this way. I don't know why today except that yesterday was 4 weeks and I miss her even more. 

Azipod you have a really good way of putting things that I seem to be able to grasp. I went my son's high school pep rally. My son is 17 and a senior. He misses Lauri and told me after his performance (show choir did a couple songs from Grease) that she's his number 1 fan in heaven. I have not mentioned my son but he's handling this much better than I am. He's a great son and Lauri and I would attend all of his competitions and JROTC events in support. His biological mom does not attend anything.

I think I am going to embrace my sadness right now. It hurts and maybe I just need to feel this without any distractions. Tomorrow I'll be at the gym and doing some other things as well. I'll be going to an alumni association football game watch party. 

Thank you all for your support. I don't know what I'd do without this place.

 

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14 minutes ago, KMB said:

Because he's not "dead". Not in the way we think of death. His physical body is dead, but his soul, with memories and personality attached, is very much alive in that other realm of life we call the afterlife (Heaven). When I had my first medium reading after my husband passed, through the mediums connection, he passed onto me that he is not dead. He is still very much "alive" and with me here. He is just in spirit form, which we cannot see. In the afterlife, communication is done telepathically. My husband has given some great validations of what has taken place for me since he's been gone. He even knew my daughter would be moving in with me before she even said a word to me about it. When we pass on to the next life, we gain a lot of wisdom and we know the bigger picture of what is really going on with this life and death stuff.

This is so beautiful.  I am very excited about my upcoming reading next month with a reputable Medium.  There's not much at all these days that I'm excited about but the reading has really been on my mind.  I hope to have my wife come forward in the reading so that she can give me some insight on our current situation.    I wrote in another post that I know I totally sound like I'm "woo woo" but I've learned to accept that there are more things in life to what we can just see with our eyes.  We tend to not believe in things we cannot see, and especially things where there is no proof.  Well, just because we haven't figured out the proof doesn't mean it doesn't exist.   

Many many years ago, people laughed at Christopher Columbus when they said the world was round.   Not anymore. 

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20 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Thank you all. It helps to realize that it is a temporary state of intense emotional pain. I've been a puddle of tears all day long and remain this way. I don't know why today except that yesterday was 4 weeks and I miss her even more. 

Azipod you have a really good way of putting things that I seem to be able to grasp. I went my son's high school pep rally. My son is 17 and a senior. He misses Lauri and told me after his performance (show choir did a couple songs from Grease) that she's his number 1 fan in heaven. I have not mentioned my son but he's handling this much better than I am. He's a great son and Lauri and I would attend all of his competitions and JROTC events in support. His biological mom does not attend anything.

I think I am going to embrace my sadness right now. It hurts and maybe I just need to feel this without any distractions. Tomorrow I'll be at the gym and doing some other things as well. I'll be going to an alumni association football game watch party. 

Thank you all for your support. I don't know what I'd do without this place.

 

Paluka, I don't have children, but from connecting with people here and in-person, they seem to say that kids tend to be a lot more resilient to this kind of trauma than adults.  That's not to say it's easy for them, it is not.  But they supposely bounce back pretty well under the right conditions and support.    It's great that you have plans lined up.  Go out and do it.  It's not easy and you'll still be sad.  But at the end of the day, you'll still feel better than if you just stayed at home.    Remember, you are just trying to "manage" your feelings at this time.  Managing doesn't neccesarily equate to being painless, not right now.  Managing just means you're doing what you can to prevent you from going down into the dumps -- a place where you still be occasionally.     For the last 3-months, I've been packing my schedule with all types of activities.  just anything.   In the last 2 weeks, I've finally became physically tired.... and I actually welcome 2-3 days a week to just be at home, alone.    And I'm at the stage where I can be OK with that.

Keep it going!!!

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Thank you. I'll keep it going. I want Lauri to be proud of me. i know if she can help me she will. 

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5 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I want Lauri to be proud of me. i know if she can help me she will. 

Lauri is going to be right beside you for the rest of your life here. She will be there with you when it is your turn to transition over.The bond of love keeps the two of connected. If you are having a problem with something, have a decision to make, and the sudden solution or choice pops into your mind, that will be Lauri helping you. I was just reading an article this morning about how our loved ones help us through life. I was reading about a mother's medium reading for a child she lost. The child mentioned that his father had just gotten a better paying job and the job he had always wanted. The child said that he was the one who made that all come into reality for his father. Spirit has the ability to do things that are amazing. it is like the stories we hear of people who just missed an accident or had been involved in one and their death was a sure thing, but they miraculously escape death.  It is because of a loved one in spirit stepping in.

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52 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This is so beautiful.  I am very excited about my upcoming reading next month with a reputable Medium.  There's not much at all these days that I'm excited about but the reading has really been on my mind.  I hope to have my wife come forward in the reading so that she can give me some insight on our current situation.    I wrote in another post that I know I totally sound like I'm "woo woo" but I've learned to accept that there are more things in life to what we can just see with our eyes.  We tend to not believe in things we cannot see, and especially things where there is no proof.  Well, just because we haven't figured out the proof doesn't mean it doesn't exist.   

Many many years ago, people laughed at Christopher Columbus when they said the world was round.   Not anymore. 

I do still hope you will post the results of the medium trip

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45 minutes ago, KMB said:

Lauri is going to be right beside you for the rest of your life here. She will be there with you when it is your turn to transition over.The bond of love keeps the two of connected. If you are having a problem with something, have a decision to make, and the sudden solution or choice pops into your mind, that will be Lauri helping you. I was just reading an article this morning about how our loved ones help us through life. I was reading about a mother's medium reading for a child she lost. The child mentioned that his father had just gotten a better paying job and the job he had always wanted. The child said that he was the one who made that all come into reality for his father. Spirit has the ability to do things that are amazing. it is like the stories we hear of people who just missed an accident or had been involved in one and their death was a sure thing, but they miraculously escape death.  It is because of a loved one in spirit stepping in.

Thank you KMB. My Faith is a struggle today. I know what you say is true. 

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TooDevastated

This hurts so much tonight. Late nighy here. I have a terrible cough and I had my nose bleed... On top of all this, I cannot stop crying.

Can't I have even two minutes with him? I wanna look at his eyes and know I'm loved and cared for. My body has been miserable and weak for a while now. I hope I can die soon! Yep! It's a very dark night...

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23 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

This hurts so much tonight. Late nighy here. I have a terrible cough and I had my nose bleed... On top of all this, I cannot stop crying.

Can't I have even two minutes with him? I wanna look at his eyes and know I'm loved and cared for. My body has been miserable and weak for a while now. I hope I can die soon! Yep! It's a very dark night...

17 weeks today since I held my sweet Yogi Bear. I used to wake up in the night if she had to get a drink. I never even would have thought it was possible to go this long with holding one another. Dark night is right

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TooDevastated

I am sorry for sounding too miserable. I am just really angry and desparate that life not only finds ways to give me s*** all the time, but it also has taken my only consolation.

It would have been easier to survive from loss of a limb or even an acid attack... This pain is just too much more than I can handle :/

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1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

17 weeks today since I held my sweet Yogi Bear. I used to wake up in the night if she had to get a drink. I never even would have thought it was possible to go this long with holding one another. Dark night is right

I like how you called her your Yogi Bear. I know what you mean. When one of us woke up, we always woke each other with kisses and cuddles so we could enjoy the warmth and togetherness until we fell asleep again. We were together for years and that hasnt changed. 

I hate my cold bed. I hate the loneliness... I hate my dark future. 

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3 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I am sorry for sounding too miserable. I am just really angry and desparate that life not only finds ways to give me s*** all the time, but it also has taken my only consolation.

It would have been easier to survive from loss of a limb or even an acid attack... This pain is just too much more than I can handle :/

Trust me when I say I'd do anything to have two minutes with Lauri. I know you're hurting. All I can offer is that so am I and I'll cry with you since I'm crying too. I'm embracing my pain tonight. 

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11 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Trust me when I say I'd do anything to have two minutes with Lauri. I know you're hurting. All I can offer is that so am I and I'll cry with you since I'm crying too. I'm embracing my pain tonight. 

I'd do anything too... I wish he had an expensive illness. Or I had to donate a lung or a kidney or half of my liver or all of it. I wish all of what we own were gone but we were both alive and healthy. I would even rather he were in bed and needed care for the rest of our lives. 

I would do everything that I can to keep him alive if he had an illness or definite symptoms etc. He was all healthy and perfect and my beautiful baby and not even more than two hours since I last heard from him he was dead. He had a heart attack and died just like that. 

Last thing he said to me was that he'd call me after football. He didn't even get to do that. 

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13 hours ago, Paluka said:

Thank you all. It helps to realize that it is a temporary state of intense emotional pain. I've been a puddle of tears all day long and remain this way. I don't know why today except that yesterday was 4 weeks and I miss her even more. 

Azipod you have a really good way of putting things that I seem to be able to grasp. I went my son's high school pep rally. My son is 17 and a senior. He misses Lauri and told me after his performance (show choir did a couple songs from Grease) that she's his number 1 fan in heaven. I have not mentioned my son but he's handling this much better than I am. He's a great son and Lauri and I would attend all of his competitions and JROTC events in support. His biological mom does not attend anything.

I think I am going to embrace my sadness right now. It hurts and maybe I just need to feel this without any distractions. Tomorrow I'll be at the gym and doing some other things as well. I'll be going to an alumni association football game watch party. 

Thank you all for your support. I don't know what I'd do without this place.

 

I understand.  George was a wonderful stepdad to my kids, he was really there for them in a way their own father was not.  He'd rescue my daughter when she needed it, like when a "friend" offered to store her belongings and then wouldn't let her have them back.  George took the truck down there and got all of her stuff back for her.  Or when her car window was broken, he replaced it...not knowing if he'd get the car door back together or not, but he did.  And there was the time he spent the night installing a car stereo and speakers for her...Hondas don't have a lot of room to work in.  He was there for my son too, cleaning out his computer business when he went into the service because he hadn't had time.  And helping him move his stuff to another state.  Always front and center at his football games.  There for the kids to talk to.  Those things meant more to me than anything I could have asked for!

Azipod is right, the intensity will change, grief comes in waves that I've had to learn to ride and let it flow.  It does lessen as time goes by, I hate to say lessen exactly because we miss them just as much, maybe even more the longer we're without them, but we do learn to live with it better.  It's such a shock in the beginning!

I'd always lived a pretty self-reliant independent life before meeting George, so you'd think it'd be easy living on my own.  Not so!  I NEED him in my life, he was the missing component!  How quickly we became interdependent because each other was the other half.

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10 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I'd do anything too... I wish he had an expensive illness. Or I had to donate a lung or a kidney or half of my liver or all of it. I wish all of what we own were gone but we were both alive and healthy. I would even rather he were in bed and needed care for the rest of our lives. 

I would do everything that I can to keep him alive if he had an illness or definite symptoms etc. He was all healthy and perfect and my beautiful baby and not even more than two hours since I last heard from him he was dead. He had a heart attack and died just like that. 

Last thing he said to me was that he'd call me after football. He didn't even get to do that. 

11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This hurts so much tonight. Late nighy here. I have a terrible cough and I had my nose bleed... On top of all this, I cannot stop crying.

Can't I have even two minutes with him? I wanna look at his eyes and know I'm loved and cared for. My body has been miserable and weak for a while now. I hope I can die soon! Yep! It's a very dark night...

Yes, two minutes staying with him... or just a two-minute phone call I'd take that too. I beg him to appear in my dreams every single night. I know I will never see him in real life, so a bit of signs or dreams can keep me going ... 

I would also do everything to keep him alive. If we could donate our years of lives to others, how good would that be. I wish I could donate my years to him just to keep him alive. I wish I could donate my years to someone who has terminal decease now so I wouldn't have to stay here for any longer.

TooDevastated I'm sorry that you are not feeling well. I had flu last week, fever, terrible cough and running nose, still haven't fully recovered yet. I rarely get sick, it's the first time I got sick after my boyfriend died. It reminds me that he got fever very often. It's tough when you get sick and your loved one isn't here to care for you, physically. But also, when you feel your body is weak, you get that strange happiness... still, I hope you can get well soon.

 

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11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This hurts so much tonight. Late nighy here. I have a terrible cough and I had my nose bleed... On top of all this, I cannot stop crying.

Can't I have even two minutes with him? I wanna look at his eyes and know I'm loved and cared for. My body has been miserable and weak for a while now. I hope I can die soon! Yep! It's a very dark night...

I'm sorry...when we are down is when it seems the hardest.  I know, all too well, how much we'd give to just have them back for five minutes, better yet, a whole day.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'd always lived a pretty self-reliant independent life before meeting George, so you'd think it'd be easy living on my own.  Not so!  I NEED him in my life, he was the missing component!  How quickly we became interdependent because each other was the other half.

Exactly Kay. It's so hard now. 

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On 10/13/2017 at 6:02 PM, TooDevastated said:

I am sorry for sounding too miserable. I am just really angry and desparate that life not only finds ways to give me s*** all the time, but it also has taken my only consolation.

It would have been easier to survive from loss of a limb or even an acid attack... This pain is just too much more than I can handle :/

I know it's tough.  I've been "managing well" over the last two days.  I'm kind of surprised because I haven't had any decent days for a while now.   That said, I know that this temporary state can be short-lived so I am expecting a storm ahead.   It's just nice to finally be able to have a breather and swim in calm seas for 2-days now.   I do feel your pain. 

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On 10/13/2017 at 6:08 PM, Paluka said:

Trust me when I say I'd do anything to have two minutes with Lauri. I know you're hurting. All I can offer is that so am I and I'll cry with you since I'm crying too. I'm embracing my pain tonight. 

I've cried too.  I've cried every single day since my wife has left.  The last 2-days have been manageable, but I still cried.   I've realized that crying is my way to release the pain.  Even then, I've never had anything hit me emotionally so hard before ...    that said, who has?     With the exception of a few more things in life, losing your partner/spouse is pretty much the largest life crisis you can have.

This evening, I biked to the shoreline of my city.  I stopped briefly at the ferry terminal and admired all the bright lights in San Francisco, across the bay.   I've thought about all the places we've been over there as well as all of the memories.  The feeling of not being able to experience all of that again with your partner is difficult for the heart to accept.   It kills me to know that I can't ever experience it again because my wife is no longer here.   It's one thing not having the experience, but it's another when you know that you can't have the experience because that person is no longer around.

 

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

The feeling of not being able to experience all of that again with your partner is difficult for the heart to accept.   It kills me to know that I can't ever experience it again because my wife is no longer here.   It's one thing not having the experience, but it's another when you know that you can't have the experience because that person is no longer around.

This is where the gaping hole is for everything. I look at our pictures and think about our times together. I have a voicemail where she’s “checking in” and tells me how much she loves me. I can’t help but to feel cheated. 

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On 10/15/2017 at 6:00 AM, Paluka said:

This is where the gaping hole is for everything. I look at our pictures and think about our times together. I have a voicemail where she’s “checking in” and tells me how much she loves me. I can’t help but to feel cheated. 

Paluka.  That is very true.  We have a gaping hole in our heart.   I recently attended an art therapy class and one of the instructors made a comment about not trying to solve this problem with our brain .... our pain must be resolved using our heart.   How exactly?  I don't know.   But ever since listening to that comment, I've started using my heart a bit more and stopped using my head to think about the grief.   At the moment, I think I've made a few steps forward using this method.       But yes.  I do feel cheated too.   I feel that I was robbed of my soulmate.   This was one of the areas I talked about during the eulogy. 

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

I recently attended an art therapy class and one of the instructors made a comment about not trying to solve this problem with our brain .... our pain must be resolved using our heart.

It helps to be in tune with our feelings.  I, too, found art therapy of great help.

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When my alarm clocks went off this morning I could have sworn Lauri was in the bed with me. I asked her to turn them off. I rolled over to snuggle up with her and she was gone. I felt her warmth but started crying when she was not there. Then I thought “she could have been here” so I started talking to her. 

Has anyone had a similar experience? 

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6 hours ago, Paluka said:

When my alarm clocks went off this morning I could have sworn Lauri was in the bed with me. I asked her to turn them off. I rolled over to snuggle up with her and she was gone. I felt her warmth but started crying when she was not there. Then I thought “she could have been here” so I started talking to her. 

Has anyone had a similar experience? 

I haven't had anything like that.  However, I've had other signs and other unusual events which occurred within a few weeks of my wife's passing.  Everyone will experience different things in different ways.  Just keep an open-mind and be receptive to changes and unusual things that can occur.   Don't think that anything is wrong with you.  You'll experience more of these things so as long as you keep an open mind.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I haven't had anything like that.  However, I've had other signs and other unusual events which occurred within a few weeks of my wife's passing.  Everyone will experience different things in different ways.  Just keep an open-mind and be receptive to changes and unusual things that can occur.   Don't think that anything is wrong with you.  You'll experience more of these things so as long as you keep an open mind.

Thanks for responding. I didn't think I was losing it. I started to dismiss it as simply my memory playing tricks on me but I know she was there somehow. I miss her so much. 

 

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7 hours ago, Paluka said:

I felt her warmth but started crying when she was not there.

I actually woke myself up one night because of the little smacking sound of a kiss. I found myself laying in the middle of the bed turned to my husband's side with my lips making the kissing noise. Hard to put that into words, but you get the idea. I started sobbing because I had that sense that I had been with my husband and I woke up and it wasn't real.

Sounds like you had a visitation dream like I did. Cherish it. They don't happen too often.

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4 hours ago, Paluka said:

Thanks for responding. I didn't think I was losing it. I started to dismiss it as simply my memory playing tricks on me but I know she was there somehow. I miss her so much. 

 

You are not losing it.  The signs are good.   Things have been awfully quiet for me in the past 2 months or so.  I'm guessing my wife has already gone to where she needs to go and likely would only come back occasionally.   I miss her so much.  It's so hard for me to imagine that I've been without her for almost 4-months now.    I don't even know how I made it to this point.  I'm managing but I do miss her like crazy.   Every night I go to sleep, I keep asking myself how I've gone through so nights going to sleep without her.

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18 minutes ago, Azipod said:

  Every night I go to sleep, I keep asking myself how I've gone through so nights going to sleep without her.

It is a really strange feeling, isn't it? The only nights my husband and I spent apart, were when he was gone on a hunting trip, overnights for work occasionally ( truck driving) or when he was in the hospital. I can't believe I've managed this for a little over a year. Every night when I go to bed, I look over at his side, pat his pillow and talk to him. I say to him that he should still be here sleeping next to me.

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21 minutes ago, Azipod said:

You are not losing it.  The signs are good.   Things have been awfully quiet for me in the past 2 months or so.  I'm guessing my wife has already gone to where she needs to go and likely would only come back occasionally.   I miss her so much.  It's so hard for me to imagine that I've been without her for almost 4-months now.    I don't even know how I made it to this point.  I'm managing but I do miss her like crazy.   Every night I go to sleep, I keep asking myself how I've gone through so nights going to sleep without her.

Sorry. I don’t know how any of us are doing this. It’s inadequate to try to describe it in words. I keep wondering “what now?” It’s a question I don’t think I’ll answer any time soon. 

We all hate this. Keep trudging along. 

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59 minutes ago, KMB said:

Every night when I go to bed, I look over at his side, pat his pillow and talk to him. 

+1 That makes two of us.   The one thing I love about this forum is being able to share our oddities.    Living like through grief can make you wonder if you're going crazy sometimes.  But hearing from everyone here, I'm glad to conclude that I'm normal.    It's very interesting to see what thoughts and emotions are bodies can generate.   In some ways, it's pretty cool.

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59 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Sorry. I don’t know how any of us are doing this. It’s inadequate to try to describe it in words. I keep wondering “what now?” It’s a question I don’t think I’ll answer any time soon. 

We all hate this. Keep trudging along. 

It is so true.  For the earlier months, I was in so much misery and pain.  I've been calm for the 1st time and it's been a full week.  I'm surprised myself.   In many ways, I am dreading experiencing another bad day.   I know exactly how you are feeling.    It's so intense that it drags you down to your knees.  Very awful.

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I lost my partner a month ago. He'd been taken into hospital with an MRSA infection but was told he'd be out in a few days because he was otherwise fit and healthy. He never came out.

I knew something was wrong for days before whilst he was in hospital. He started to be a bit less lucid and was getting agitated. They told me that was caused by the painkillers. Turns out  it wasn't. I visited him every day and on Weds 20th Sept I left as usual around 8pm. But at 1am, I had a call from the hospital telling me he had been taken down to the ICU and that I should get up there. I can't even remember that drive, but I went.

When I had gotten there, he was so poorly. His hand were blue and swollen and his eyes were rolling back. They told me they had been given him the wrong antibiotics (even though the labs had told the drs the right kind of antibiotics) and that the mrsa had stuck onto his heart, lungs, kidney and liver. 

They sedated him and put him on life support. But his liver gave up completely and poisoned his body. They told me the kindest thing to do would be to turn off his blood pressure medicine and let him slip away peacefully with dignity. So I did. 

I held his swollen hand and kissed his beautiful face and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I told him that I'd be okay, but I'm not.

It is now 8 weeks until our "should be" wedding day. This morning has been the worst one yet. I ripped up all the crossword puzzles we had been doing to keep him occupied in hospital. I overturned his half finished chess game. I went to open our wardobe to tear down all his clothes but instead I was insulted by my wedding dress that he never got to see. I had made it myself. And I tore that all up instead. I cut it into a hundred pieces. 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. The only reason I turn the vacuum on is so my neighbour can't hear me full body sobbing.

The cause of death is "medical error" followed by the symptoms the error caused. There is an inquest but I don't care. One of the horrible nurses told him that she wouldn't get him a commode because "he wasn't the sickest person there" and that "he was just being lazy". He died 16 hours later. He was a independent man and her words made him feel like a failure.

I have my mum and his parents (but they live in New Zealand) and friends but I can't help but be completely fake around them. I don't expect them to understand what I'm feeling and I don't want them to know that I'm falling apart

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3 hours ago, ChloeSadness said:

I lost my partner a month ago. He'd been taken into hospital with an MRSA infection but was told he'd be out in a few days because he was otherwise fit and healthy. He never came out.

I knew something was wrong for days before whilst he was in hospital. He started to be a bit less lucid and was getting agitated. They told me that was caused by the painkillers. Turns out  it wasn't. I visited him every day and on Weds 20th Sept I left as usual around 8pm. But at 1am, I had a call from the hospital telling me he had been taken down to the ICU and that I should get up there. I can't even remember that drive, but I went.

When I had gotten there, he was so poorly. His hand were blue and swollen and his eyes were rolling back. They told me they had been given him the wrong antibiotics (even though the labs had told the drs the right kind of antibiotics) and that the mrsa had stuck onto his heart, lungs, kidney and liver. 

They sedated him and put him on life support. But his liver gave up completely and poisoned his body. They told me the kindest thing to do would be to turn off his blood pressure medicine and let him slip away peacefully with dignity. So I did. 

I held his swollen hand and kissed his beautiful face and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I told him that I'd be okay, but I'm not.

It is now 8 weeks until our "should be" wedding day. This morning has been the worst one yet. I ripped up all the crossword puzzles we had been doing to keep him occupied in hospital. I overturned his half finished chess game. I went to open our wardobe to tear down all his clothes but instead I was insulted by my wedding dress that he never got to see. I had made it myself. And I tore that all up instead. I cut it into a hundred pieces. 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. The only reason I turn the vacuum on is so my neighbour can't hear me full body sobbing.

The cause of death is "medical error" followed by the symptoms the error caused. There is an inquest but I don't care. One of the horrible nurses told him that she wouldn't get him a commode because "he wasn't the sickest person there" and that "he was just being lazy". He died 16 hours later. He was a independent man and her words made him feel like a failure.

I have my mum and his parents (but they live in New Zealand) and friends but I can't help but be completely fake around them. I don't expect them to understand what I'm feeling and I don't want them to know that I'm falling apart

I am sorry for your loss. I know your pain I lost my husband on September 23rd. This is the worst pain I have ever been through. I am falling apart and cannot focus at work. Nobody understands unless they have gone through this. I haven't got to the acceptance part yet. So I can't help you there but I am here if you need someone to talk to. I get it and know this pain. There are some great people on here that have been through it and have good advice. 

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On 10/19/2017 at 6:52 AM, Paluka said:

Has anyone had a similar experience? 

I had something weird happen last night, I don't think I was asleep but it could have been that state where you're half asleep, half awake, and I felt something touch the hairs on my skin to where the hair stood on end, like electricity or something, like someone brushing by me only you couldn't feel their physical touch.  Immediately I wondered if it was George.  It was weird, I never felt anything like that before.

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Chloe,

You are going through what no one should ever have to.  OMG, I'm so sorry!  I hope you have one friend you can be real with, you can let down your hair to and let out your feelings.  You need that.  I hope you'll see a grief counselor, it's just too hard to go through this alone.  To not get to make it to your wedding day, that's hard, you have plenty of company here.  It kills me that so many young people are facing this.  We weren't as young (he was 51, I was 52) but we didn't meet until our mid forties and after a lifetime without each other, we knew each other when we met, like the Travis Tritt song, Drift off to Dream.  To lose that person after finally finding each other, it seems beyond cruel, it's the hardest thing ever.
I can imagine your outrage at that horrid nurse.  She shouldn't be allowed to practice, she doesn't belong around patients.

I wish you could be with your family, you need their support.  I'm glad you've found this place, it helps to be able to express yourself to others that get it and know you're heard.

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8 hours ago, ChloeSadness said:

I lost my partner a month ago. He'd been taken into hospital with an MRSA infection but was told he'd be out in a few days because he was otherwise fit and healthy. He never came out.

I knew something was wrong for days before whilst he was in hospital. He started to be a bit less lucid and was getting agitated. They told me that was caused by the painkillers. Turns out  it wasn't. I visited him every day and on Weds 20th Sept I left as usual around 8pm. But at 1am, I had a call from the hospital telling me he had been taken down to the ICU and that I should get up there. I can't even remember that drive, but I went.

When I had gotten there, he was so poorly. His hand were blue and swollen and his eyes were rolling back. They told me they had been given him the wrong antibiotics (even though the labs had told the drs the right kind of antibiotics) and that the mrsa had stuck onto his heart, lungs, kidney and liver. 

They sedated him and put him on life support. But his liver gave up completely and poisoned his body. They told me the kindest thing to do would be to turn off his blood pressure medicine and let him slip away peacefully with dignity. So I did. 

I held his swollen hand and kissed his beautiful face and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I told him that I'd be okay, but I'm not.

It is now 8 weeks until our "should be" wedding day. This morning has been the worst one yet. I ripped up all the crossword puzzles we had been doing to keep him occupied in hospital. I overturned his half finished chess game. I went to open our wardobe to tear down all his clothes but instead I was insulted by my wedding dress that he never got to see. I had made it myself. And I tore that all up instead. I cut it into a hundred pieces. 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. The only reason I turn the vacuum on is so my neighbour can't hear me full body sobbing.

The cause of death is "medical error" followed by the symptoms the error caused. There is an inquest but I don't care. One of the horrible nurses told him that she wouldn't get him a commode because "he wasn't the sickest person there" and that "he was just being lazy". He died 16 hours later. He was a independent man and her words made him feel like a failure.

I have my mum and his parents (but they live in New Zealand) and friends but I can't help but be completely fake around them. I don't expect them to understand what I'm feeling and I don't want them to know that I'm falling apart

Hi ChloeSadness.  I'm sorry to hear about what you have gone through so far.   I know that you feel devastated from having to be put through that traumatic experience.  It sounds like you did what you had to and went through the process with your partner.  It also sounds like you are going through a very difficult time presently.   I won't try to make things look pretty, because it is not.   The next few weeks/months for you will be very grueling and it will be very difficult.   You will need to find strength to help yourself by facing the grief head-on while discovering yourself to determine who you are and your purpose in life.    I would encourage you to come back here as often as you can.   Read the other posts so you can see that others are feeling this pain too.  You need to know that although you are in this journey alone, you are in fact not grieving alone .  Everyone here has suffered a loss and have more or less, gone through the experience and can understand you.   Come back and post soon.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I had something weird happen last night, I don't think I was asleep but it could have been that state where you're half asleep, half awake, and I felt something touch the hairs on my skin to where the hair stood on end, like electricity or something, like someone brushing by me only you couldn't feel their physical touch.  Immediately I wondered if it was George.  It was weird, I never felt anything like that before.

KayC.  I've been experiencing something similiar.    I actually get this "twitching" on my head thats like someone touching a stand of my hair.  It actually happens very often to me ever since my wife has left.   It happens while I'm standing up, sitting down, and even lying in bed.  I've never had this before.    It's happening daily for me that I'm just getting use to it.   I accept it with an "open mind" and tell myself the feeling is great.    

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It kills me that so many young people are facing this. 

Thank you so much for acknowledging that losing a partner/spouse young is a unique loss.  Grief is grief.  It's all bad.  But it's so nice to hear someone acknowledge that our pain, is significant in its own way.

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9 hours ago, ChloeSadness said:

I lost my partner a month ago. He'd been taken into hospital with an MRSA infection but was told he'd be out in a few days because he was otherwise fit and healthy. He never came out.

I knew something was wrong for days before whilst he was in hospital. He started to be a bit less lucid and was getting agitated. They told me that was caused by the painkillers. Turns out  it wasn't. I visited him every day and on Weds 20th Sept I left as usual around 8pm. But at 1am, I had a call from the hospital telling me he had been taken down to the ICU and that I should get up there. I can't even remember that drive, but I went.

When I had gotten there, he was so poorly. His hand were blue and swollen and his eyes were rolling back. They told me they had been given him the wrong antibiotics (even though the labs had told the drs the right kind of antibiotics) and that the mrsa had stuck onto his heart, lungs, kidney and liver. 

They sedated him and put him on life support. But his liver gave up completely and poisoned his body. They told me the kindest thing to do would be to turn off his blood pressure medicine and let him slip away peacefully with dignity. So I did. 

I held his swollen hand and kissed his beautiful face and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I told him that I'd be okay, but I'm not.

It is now 8 weeks until our "should be" wedding day. This morning has been the worst one yet. I ripped up all the crossword puzzles we had been doing to keep him occupied in hospital. I overturned his half finished chess game. I went to open our wardobe to tear down all his clothes but instead I was insulted by my wedding dress that he never got to see. I had made it myself. And I tore that all up instead. I cut it into a hundred pieces. 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. The only reason I turn the vacuum on is so my neighbour can't hear me full body sobbing.

The cause of death is "medical error" followed by the symptoms the error caused. There is an inquest but I don't care. One of the horrible nurses told him that she wouldn't get him a commode because "he wasn't the sickest person there" and that "he was just being lazy". He died 16 hours later. He was a independent man and her words made him feel like a failure.

I have my mum and his parents (but they live in New Zealand) and friends but I can't help but be completely fake around them. I don't expect them to understand what I'm feeling and I don't want them to know that I'm falling apart

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your partner. I know about MRSA myself.it is a very serious infection that can be fatal. My husband acquired MRSA in 2006 from the hospital itself when he was being treated for something else. This started at the beginning of that year. He went through 2 separate rounds of antibiotics for a total of 6 months. A specialist finally figured out that the infection was located in a bone and bones don't get adequate blood supply which is why the antibiotics were not working. My husband ended up having an amputation to get rid of the infection. It was a very scary year for us with tons of clinic and hospital runs.

I am sorry your partner had to endure that type of infection and lost his life from it. I am sorry you had to go through that with him. it is unfair and deplorable that the hospital was at fault for giving your partner the wrong antibiotics. At the time my husband had MRSA, there was only one known antibiotic, Vancomycin. I wouldn't know if any other antibiotics have been developed since then.

I understand your frustration, anger, all the pain you are feeling. It is unfair to have to endure loss of your partner before your wedding. This should be the happiest time of your life and it is so sad that it is not.

I know how hard it must be for you not to have your family there with you for the love and support you need. There is no reason that you should feel you have to be fake around your friends. Reach out to them. Let them know how you feel. Let them know what you need from them at this time. It is our responsibility to let it be known what we need. Most people who have never been through this type of loss have no clue. They don't know what to say or do to help you. You have every right to fall apart. You lost your soul mate. You lost your future. It is a traumatic event that blew your world apart. Your friends might not understand, but a real friend will sit with you, let you talk, hold your hand, give you a hug. It means a lot when we can get that kind of support when we are feeling so lost and alone.

Keep coming here when you need to express yourself and seeking comfort. We "get it" We understand.

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10 hours ago, ChloeSadness said:

I lost my partner a month ago. He'd been taken into hospital with an MRSA infection but was told he'd be out in a few days because he was otherwise fit and healthy. He never came out.

I knew something was wrong for days before whilst he was in hospital. He started to be a bit less lucid and was getting agitated. They told me that was caused by the painkillers. Turns out  it wasn't. I visited him every day and on Weds 20th Sept I left as usual around 8pm. But at 1am, I had a call from the hospital telling me he had been taken down to the ICU and that I should get up there. I can't even remember that drive, but I went.

When I had gotten there, he was so poorly. His hand were blue and swollen and his eyes were rolling back. They told me they had been given him the wrong antibiotics (even though the labs had told the drs the right kind of antibiotics) and that the mrsa had stuck onto his heart, lungs, kidney and liver. 

They sedated him and put him on life support. But his liver gave up completely and poisoned his body. They told me the kindest thing to do would be to turn off his blood pressure medicine and let him slip away peacefully with dignity. So I did. 

I held his swollen hand and kissed his beautiful face and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I told him that I'd be okay, but I'm not.

It is now 8 weeks until our "should be" wedding day. This morning has been the worst one yet. I ripped up all the crossword puzzles we had been doing to keep him occupied in hospital. I overturned his half finished chess game. I went to open our wardobe to tear down all his clothes but instead I was insulted by my wedding dress that he never got to see. I had made it myself. And I tore that all up instead. I cut it into a hundred pieces. 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. The only reason I turn the vacuum on is so my neighbour can't hear me full body sobbing.

The cause of death is "medical error" followed by the symptoms the error caused. There is an inquest but I don't care. One of the horrible nurses told him that she wouldn't get him a commode because "he wasn't the sickest person there" and that "he was just being lazy". He died 16 hours later. He was a independent man and her words made him feel like a failure.

I have my mum and his parents (but they live in New Zealand) and friends but I can't help but be completely fake around them. I don't expect them to understand what I'm feeling and I don't want them to know that I'm falling apart

Oh my goodness! I am so, SO very sorry for your loss ChloeSadness. Believe me we are all experiencing various stages of grief in this forum. I find your post just heartbreaking. I really feel your sadness. Please stick with us and you will find tips and an empathy you will not get from others who do not "get it." My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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42 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Oh my goodness! I am so, SO very sorry for your loss ChloeSadness. Believe me we are all experiencing various stages of grief in this forum. I find your post just heartbreaking. I really feel your sadness. Please stick with us and you will find tips and an empathy you will not get from others who do not "get it." My thoughts and prayers are with you.

It hurts me so much to see new members on this forum.  I think we can all find comfort in helping others.   Everyone can get some help processing the grief.

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35 minutes ago, Azipod said:

  I think we can all find comfort in helping others.   Everyone can get some help processing the grief.

I agree. My original intent was seeking a listening ear and validation for my own pain, and now I stay to help others and it is still helping me. Especially when I am having a bad day. When you first lose your partner, you think you are the only one on the planet to experience grieving and think it is going to drive you insane and over the edge. It has been the biggest relief to know I am not alone. I sincerely wish that none of us had a reason to be on this forum. The realities of life and death truly suck.

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5 minutes ago, KMB said:

I agree. My original intent was seeking a listening ear and validation for my own pain, and now I stay to help others and it is still helping me. Especially when I am having a bad day. When you first lose your partner, you think you are the only one on the planet to experience grieving and think it is going to drive you insane and over the edge. It has been the biggest relief to know I am not alone. I sincerely wish that none of us had a reason to be on this forum. The realities of life and death truly suck.

Its interesting how nothing stops us from marrying a love one knowing that one day we will lose them (or they will lose us).  The chances of us loving them is 50/50%.   At that ratio, the chances are GREAT!   If we were to gamble knowing that we would have a 50% win rate, we would feel very confident.   So having a love one go first at 50%, it's interesting how we get so blind sighted by it -- even though we know it will happen.     People have told me that no matter how prepared you are.... you will never be prepared when the day comes.   It's a sad part of life.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

 It's a sad part of life.

When you hear of others dying in your immediate environment, parents and grandparents of friends, etc., you take it in stride. You think you understand the cycle of life and death. I understood my grandparents deaths. You know that it happens to the very elderly. You think to yourself that they had a long life. But when it happens to you, it is such a personal tragedy that all your previous logic and knowledge goes out the window. My husband was far from being what I would call "elderly". How dare this happen! But it did----

You can prepare financially and legally for death, but there is no way a person can be prepared for the emotional part of it. No way to prepare for the impact of their physical absence and the feeling of abandonment and the loneliness.

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On 10/20/2017 at 10:44 AM, Azipod said:

Thank you so much for acknowledging that losing a partner/spouse young is a unique loss.  Grief is grief.  It's all bad.  But it's so nice to hear someone acknowledge that our pain, is significant in its own way.

I have learned to accept what I cannot understand or explain and consider any outreach from him a precious blessing I cherish.

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On 10/20/2017 at 10:44 AM, Azipod said:

Thank you so much for acknowledging that losing a partner/spouse young is a unique loss.  Grief is grief.  It's all bad.  But it's so nice to hear someone acknowledge that our pain, is significant in its own way.

It is.  I cannot say which is worse, to lose someone so young as you're just beginning or when you are old and so interdependent, both are unique and significant losses in their own right.  But I think to lose your partner when you are so young must be the worst because you have so many years to bear without each other.  Bad enough my mom was 59 and had to endure 32 more years alone, she was 92 when she died.  I worry that will be my fate and I was only 52.

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

I worry that will be my fate and I was only 52.

I worry about being alone in my last days. I have talked about my concerns with my daughter and she reassures me she will be here for me. It is a comfort, but I still wonder about it a little. I don't know where her life path will take her in the up coming years.

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