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Two Months...


TooDevastated

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

For me this week, the worst thing was going through today alone. It would have been our 5th year anniversary. I have been feeling so low at work so I came home early and cried for hours.

I'm sorry that you had to go through today this way.   I will be going through an anniversary without my wife as well  two Mondays from now.

I'm so sad.

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38 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I'm sorry that you had to go through today this way.   I will be going through an anniversary without my wife as well  two Mondays from now.

I'm so sad.

I really hope you get a better day than mine! There was no way of going through it in a positive or a neutral way for me. We were planning to be on a cheese tour in France in his new car today! He didnt even get to drive it for a month.. 

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19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

We were planning to be on a cheese tour in France in his new car today! He didnt even get to drive it for a month.. 

Why is it that our loved ones missed out so much right after they left?

We've had hurricanes, solar eclipses, big earthquakes, North Korea shooting missiles!

Here at our home, we've had our newly planted trees that have grown like crazy!   My wife's new garden (which we completed right before our trip where she left) is not springing into complete action.   I wished she was here, with me, to enjoy all of the things we've created together.

I don't even know how I've made it 10-weeks without her.   I suppose it proves that its possible.   But things have not gotten easier.  Just different.  In some ways, it's even a bit worst.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I suppose it proves that its possible.  

It is possible until we hurt ourselves but this is not life, It is just existence. I spent my whole day crying and thinking about him. Weekends are more tough i can say, because we spent whole day together on weekends and now it is more difficult. I always think how long i have to carry this pain, its not lessen even increasing day by day. I don't know but i am feeling today that it is dream and soon it will over, i think i am still in denial mode sometime , i am living in illusion.

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11 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

It is possible until we hurt ourselves but this is not life, It is just existence. I spent my whole day crying and thinking about him. Weekends are more tough i can say, because we spent whole day together on weekends and now it is more difficult. I always think how long i have to carry this pain, its not lessen even increasing day by day. I don't know but i am feeling today that it is dream and soon it will over, i think i am still in denial mode sometime , i am living in illusion.

You are entirely correct.

We both happen to be online right now, spending our weekend mourning.   It is so disappointing to see our lives come to this.   We lost our loved ones.   Yet, as if the loss wasn't great enough, we are left on this earth only to suffer.  Not just everyday, but every hour and every second of it.

We cry.  We let out our emotions.  But yet, the pain is still here.    It doesn't go away.  What did go away is the prescence of our loved one, their love, their smile, their hugs and their kisses.  These are things we will never get to experience again.   It is sad.  So so sad.

I don't know how I will continue doing this.     I am hurt, and I know you are too.

If it matters, know that I am thinking about you, and grieving with you at this very moment.

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4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

You are entirely correct.

We both happen to be online right now, spending our weekend mourning.   It is so disappointing to see our lives come to this.   We lost our loved ones.   Yet, as if the loss wasn't great enough, we are left on this earth only to suffer.  Not just everyday, but every hour and every second of it.

We cry.  We let out our emotions.  But yet, the pain is still here.    It doesn't go away.  What did go away is the prescence of our loved one, their love, their smile, their hugs and their kisses.  These are things we will never get to experience again.   It is sad.  So so sad.

I don't know how I will continue doing this.     I am hurt, and I know you are too.

If it matters, know that I am thinking about you, and grieving with you at this very moment.

Thanks Azipod, 

Only good thing for me is that right now its almost midnight here and my Saturday is over. I did nothing since morning , when my husband was here i got free time around 4 pm because of laundry, cleaning etc and today i was free 10:30 am, you cant imagine how i spent my whole day after this. I was imagining like my husband is still here and we are doing this and that that's why i mentioned I am living in illusion.

This is such a pain now , I just want to die or want to erase my memories.

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On 9/15/2017 at 7:58 AM, Eagle-96 said:

"CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

Exactly!  And we did.  Because we'd both been married previously, we were well aware of how special what we had was, and what a miracle that we were brought together by some unseen hand, perhaps this is what people think of by fate, not sure I ever believed in fate except for this...we were fated to be together, how could it be any other way!

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

We both happen to be online right now, spending our weekend mourning.

Today I went to my ladies' group, only the only ones that showed up were the pastor's wife, and myself.  We ended up sharing about our week and I told her about the people here and at the other site I belong to, how my heart goes out to each one struggling to find their way through this maze of grief, struggling to find any glimmer of meaning in life, just to make it through their day.  She was struck by how much I deeply care, for people I've never met.  I am closer to you all that most people I have met!  Cyberspace is but a mode of meeting together, no different than being in person except we can't give a physical hug, look each other in the eyes, but for some that makes it easier for them to bare their souls, we share things with each other that we don't with those we know in our physical lives.  We have this common ground, the thing that is at the heart of our existence...losing the one we love, the one who made our dreams come true, the one who made us light up and truly live.

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On 9/15/2017 at 10:21 AM, Azipod said:

Life without our spouse, is learning how to be alone.

It's true.  And it was easier before, when I didn't know anything else.  In my 23 year loveless marriage, I lived life alone, even though residing with him in the next room.  I tried to engage him, but he never opened up to me, never realized us as being on the same team.  Once I experienced this great love with George, it's hard to go back to being just me, being alone.  The difference being, now I KNOW what I am missing.

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I think there is an "us", just differently than it was before.  Sure I no longer cook for him or get to do things for him, but I know we still love each other, think of each other...we're making it until we can be together again.  I know he is proud of me for continuing to try, I know how badly he wants to encourage me...

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

I don't even know how I've made it 10-weeks without her.   I suppose it proves that its possible.   But things have not gotten easier.  Just different.  In some ways, it's even a bit worst.

It is different and it does most of the time seem worst. We are learning to adjust to life alone. After being with our soul mate, being with that one person who "got" us and we shared everything with, this transition to being without them is the worst.

 

4 hours ago, Azipod said:

We both happen to be online right now, spending our weekend mourning.   It is so disappointing to see our lives come to this.   We lost our loved ones.   Yet, as if the loss wasn't great enough, we are left on this earth only to suffer.  Not just everyday, but every hour and every second of it.

I am with you and LoveGoli. I spend a lot of time on this forum. Sometimes, I just read and oftentimes I will go back and read again earlier posts. This life sucks when you are virtually alone. My husband and I spent all our spare time together. In my "before" life, I was rarely on the computer. It has been hard to come to the realization that my life is reduced to functioning with chores when I either absolutely have to ,or when I can talk myself into doing something. The rest of the time is spent on here or trying to get an hour or so of sleep.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Today I went to my ladies' group, only the only ones that showed up were the pastor's wife, and myself.  We ended up sharing about our week and I told her about the people here and at the other site I belong to, how my heart goes out to each one struggling to find their way through this maze of grief, struggling to find any glimmer of meaning in life, just to make it through their day.  She was struck by how much I deeply care, for people I've never met.  I am closer to you all that most people I have met!  Cyberspace is but a mode of meeting together, no different than being in person except we can't give a physical hug, look each other in the eyes, but for some that makes it easier for them to bare their souls, we share things with each other that we don't with those we know in our physical lives.  We have this common ground, the thing that is at the heart of our existence...losing the one we love, the one who made our dreams come true, the one who made us light up and truly live.

That is so sweet and thoughtful, Kay!  We love and care for you too! I bet George is flying around Heaven bragging how his girl is doing so well with giving to others while waiting to be reunited with him!:wub:

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

 

Ahh but George would be bragging whether he had any reason to or not!  :)

 

That is true. Bragging, just because they know how hard this is and they see us somehow managing to get through each day.

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21 hours ago, KayC said:

Today I went to my ladies' group, only the only ones that showed up were the pastor's wife, and myself.  We ended up sharing about our week and I told her about the people here and at the other site I belong to, how my heart goes out to each one struggling to find their way through this maze of grief, struggling to find any glimmer of meaning in life, just to make it through their day.  She was struck by how much I deeply care, for people I've never met.  I am closer to you all that most people I have met!  Cyberspace is but a mode of meeting together, no different than being in person except we can't give a physical hug, look each other in the eyes, but for some that makes it easier for them to bare their souls, we share things with each other that we don't with those we know in our physical lives.  We have this common ground, the thing that is at the heart of our existence...losing the one we love, the one who made our dreams come true, the one who made us light up and truly live.

I am glad we have you here Kay. You always say the nicest things. I can easily say you've been better at giving advice and comfort than my own mother. It's so true that we all share a common ground here. We are all burdened with this terrible pain and no one can understand what I am going through better than people here. Hugs X 

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On 9/16/2017 at 11:11 AM, LoveGoli said:

Thanks Azipod, 

Only good thing for me is that right now its almost midnight here and my Saturday is over. I did nothing since morning , when my husband was here i got free time around 4 pm because of laundry, cleaning etc and today i was free 10:30 am, you cant imagine how i spent my whole day after this. I was imagining like my husband is still here and we are doing this and that that's why i mentioned I am living in illusion.

This is such a pain now , I just want to die or want to erase my memories.

In many ways I am taking each day as an illusion too.   I tell myself to not worry, she's not here, but if I can just pull through a few hours, or today, things may turn out better the next day.  But even then, our brain is smart enough to know things will not change tomorrow.   We are just carrying on and trotting forward telling ourselves that it's OK.   But it's not really OK.    We are in fact, living an illusion.   I personally, is living an illusion and living on hope.   Hope that some miracle will happen and I can be with my wife again ... soon.

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On 9/16/2017 at 1:36 PM, KayC said:

Today I went to my ladies' group, only the only ones that showed up were the pastor's wife, and myself.  We ended up sharing about our week and I told her about the people here and at the other site I belong to, how my heart goes out to each one struggling to find their way through this maze of grief, struggling to find any glimmer of meaning in life, just to make it through their day.  She was struck by how much I deeply care, for people I've never met.  I am closer to you all that most people I have met!  Cyberspace is but a mode of meeting together, no different than being in person except we can't give a physical hug, look each other in the eyes, but for some that makes it easier for them to bare their souls, we share things with each other that we don't with those we know in our physical lives.  We have this common ground, the thing that is at the heart of our existence...losing the one we love, the one who made our dreams come true, the one who made us light up and truly live.

KayC -- I can't thank you enough for spending your time to help us new grievers.   Your list of "tips" are helpful.  I must admit that the first time I came across your list of tips, I pretty much ignored it because I was in such great shock, and dismissed it as a bunch of ramblings that may not apply to me.

As time went on, and as I became more calm, I re-read your list and I believe every single item you listed makes sense.   I don't think the newly grievers can take all on the list initially.  But over time, each one of those items you mention makes a lot of sense.  Thank you for that.

Also, I've noticed there a few others who are not new grievers, but continue to spend their time on here to help us.... such as KMB and Francine ...  Thank You.  And Thank You to those who I've missed.       There are a number of people who come on here for initial help , and they move on.  Or they just come back from time to time.   But there are a few, like you all, who continue to come back to help us.

You guys are our stars and role models!

 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

KayC -- I can't thank you enough for spending your time to help us new grievers.   Your list of "tips" are helpful.  I must admit that the first time I came across your list of tips, I pretty much ignored it because I was in such great shock, and dismissed it as a bunch of ramblings that may not apply to me.

As time went on, and as I became more calm, I re-read your list and I believe every single item you listed makes sense.   I don't think the newly grievers can take all on the list initially.  But over time, each one of those items you mention makes a lot of sense.  Thank you for that.

Also, I've noticed there a few others who are not new grievers, but continue to spend their time on here to help us.... such as KMB and Francine ...  Thank You.  And Thank You to those who I've missed.       There are a number of people who come on here for initial help , and they move on.  Or they just come back from time to time.   But there are a few, like you all, who continue to come back to help us.

You guys are our stars and role models!

Thumbs up to that! 

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

KayC -- I can't thank you enough for spending your time to help us new grievers.   Your list of "tips" are helpful.  I must admit that the first time I came across your list of tips, I pretty much ignored it because I was in such great shock, and dismissed it as a bunch of ramblings that may not apply to me.

As time went on, and as I became more calm, I re-read your list and I believe every single item you listed makes sense.   I don't think the newly grievers can take all on the list initially.  But over time, each one of those items you mention makes a lot of sense.  Thank you for that.

Also, I've noticed there a few others who are not new grievers, but continue to spend their time on here to help us.... such as KMB and Francine ...  Thank You.  And Thank You to those who I've missed.       There are a number of people who come on here for initial help , and they move on.  Or they just come back from time to time.   But there are a few, like you all, who continue to come back to help us.

You guys are our stars and role models!

 

 

 

Totally agree:wub:

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15 hours ago, Azipod said:

I must admit that the first time I came across your list of tips, I pretty much ignored it because I was in such great shock, and dismissed it as a bunch of ramblings that may not apply to me.

Everything is too much to take in at first...it's a good list to print out and come back to once in a while so something can speak to you when it's time.  I wish I'd had something to hang onto when I first lost George, I didn't have a clue where to start or if it was even possible to live without him.  It's all such a shock in the beginning...and that lasts quite a while.  Nothing about this journey is simplistic or easy.

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On 18.09.2017 at 3:27 PM, KayC said:

Everything is too much to take in at first...it's a good list to print out and come back to once in a while so something can speak to you when it's time.  I wish I'd had something to hang onto when I first lost George, I didn't have a clue where to start or if it was even possible to live without him.  It's all such a shock in the beginning...and that lasts quite a while.  Nothing about this journey is simplistic or easy.

It still feels somewhat surreal to me. I keep hoping that a miracle will happan and he'll come back or the world will end or I will die so I can join him. The alternative is just too painful. 

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

It still feels somewhat surreal to me. I keep hoping that a miracle will happan and he'll come back or the world will end or I will die so I can join him. The alternative is just too painful. 

I wish this too, the world will end or i die, i just want to meet him. Why we are young, its very scary now to live like this. Everyday is struggle for me , people around  me make plans, laugh on silly things and i am so miserable. How long i have to wait to meet him, this so painful.

Its 2.5 months now and pain is going deep deep and more deep. I will not see him again, touch him, listen him , this feeling giving me so much pain and day by day its going deeper.

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:
2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

It still feels somewhat surreal to me. I keep hoping that a miracle will happan and he'll come back or the world will end or I will die so I can join him. The alternative is just too painful. 

I wish this too, the world will end or i die, i just want to meet him. Why we are young, its very scary now to live like this. Everyday is struggle for me , people around  me make plans, laugh on silly things and i am so miserable. How long i have to wait to meet him, this so painful.

Its 2.5 months now and pain is going deep deep and more deep. I will not see him again, touch him, listen him , this feeling giving me so much pain and day by day its going deeper.

Just today I saw a cute video and wanted to share with him, and then I suddenly realised he's not here anymore. I thought it was a joke or an illusion but it's not. I still thought there would be a happy life for us. It's been almost three months and this still happens to me all the time. I feel like I'm going insane ...

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21 minutes ago, KylieL said:

Just today I saw a cute video and wanted to share with him, and then I suddenly realised he's not here anymore. I thought it was a joke or an illusion but it's not. I still thought there would be a happy life for us. It's been almost three months and this still happens to me all the time. I feel like I'm going insane ...

The first thing I do as soon as I wake up is to wonder why I feel so shitty. Then I go "..oh..right..he is still dead". I totally understand the pain of not being able to share things with him. We took photos of every cute thing we saw and sent each other. I feel like there is just no point of carrying my phone around anymore. 

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3 hours ago, KylieL said:

Just today I saw a cute video and wanted to share with him, and then I suddenly realised he's not here anymore. I thought it was a joke or an illusion but it's not. I still thought there would be a happy life for us. It's been almost three months and this still happens to me all the time. I feel like I'm going insane ...

Yes, I hate that feeling so much.   Lately, there's been so many world events. There's been so many developments around our lifestyle.  There's been so many new things I see each day.     I so wished that I could tell my wife and share with her these experiences.   I want to experience them together, with her.   But the reality is that I can't do that.  The reality is so so sad.

Thinking about these miserable feelings sometimes makes me want to throw up.  My gut hates it.

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

The first thing I do as soon as I wake up is to wonder why I feel so shitty. Then I go "..oh..right..he is still dead". I totally understand the pain of not being able to share things with him. We took photos of every cute thing we saw and sent each other. I feel like there is just no point of carrying my phone around anymore. 

We are waking up to a nightmare each morning.  Wait, we live a nightmare day in and day out.

I'm in my 10th week.  I just started crying when I crawl into bed at night.   It feels so terrible to go to bed and not be there with your partner.   When I look over to the other side of my bed, I can still see and feel how it was like before when she was here.  But now she is not.   The sadness consumes me and I cannot understand why I have to go through this, everyday.

I miss her terribly.

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None of us are going insane. It just feels that way. The pain is all consuming. Our minds are focused on our loss. And KayC is right. It is beyond hard. We have no choice but to face the pain. Deal with it head on. There is no going around it. It is only by going with the pain, that we eventually see a flicker of light on the other side. The glimpse of hope that we are going to survive this tragic blow that was dealt to us.

With us all helping each other here, we are surviving and will continue to do so!:wub:

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5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 

Its 2.5 months now and pain is going deep deep and more deep. I will not see him again, touch him, listen him , this feeling giving me so much pain and day by day its going deeper.

The pain is very deep, and gets deeper as time goes on.  I don't like this.  It is so distracting.  

Not only did I lose my wife.  Now, I am spending the next few years? dealing with the grief, until I can put my life back together.

Maybe when I recover, I would have lost 10-years of my wife.   What's the point on doing this?

The most beautiful thing is for me to die and be with my wife.  What is so wrong with that?

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4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

  I so wished that I could tell my wife and share with her these experiences.   I want to experience them together, with her.

You ARE sharing new experiences with your wife. She has never left your side. I know our loved ones cannot be here physically, because we exist on a physical planet, but they are always with us invisibly. The other side, the next dimension of life we pass to, is interwoven with earth. We cannot see or hear them, but they are able to see and hear us. I talk out loud to my husband. I feel a sense of calmness and I believe he hears me. I feel his presence. Like waves of tingles or the sensation of goosebumps running up and down my body. Or I feel his touch on my hair. It feels like energy or similar to static electricity. Every time we think of them or talk of them or talk to them, they are with us. It is a matter of having faith, tuning into yourself more and being aware. Whenever you have a decision or a choice to make, mulling over a problem, and an idea or thought, answer, pops into your mind, that is them helping you.

Granted, these are my beliefs and my experiences.

I was just reading your above post you just sent while I was writing this. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be with your wife. We all want to be with our soul mates. But, we can't. Not until it is our turn. The pain does get deeper as time goes on. I think that is due to the reality seeping in.  I felt the same way in those early times. My roughest point was around the 6 month mark. The shock had faded away. Denial was fading and the stark reality that my husband was indeed physically gone and not coming back was hard hitting. Grieving is a very long, painful process that can take years to evolve from.  My heart goes out to you. Keep expressing yourself here. We all care about each other.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

We are waking up to a nightmare each morning.  Wait, we live a nightmare day in and day out.

I'm in my 10th week.  I just started crying when I crawl into bed at night.   It feels so terrible to go to bed and not be there with your partner.   When I look over to the other side of my bed, I can still see and feel how it was like before when she was here.  But now she is not.   The sadness consumes me and I cannot understand why I have to go through this, everyday.

I miss her terribly.

I cannot help asking why... Why a person who has so much to live for and look forward to dies all of a sudden? Did he forget all of his promises? Didnt he know we had so many plans and so much to do? Did he fight back to stay or let go? Did he hurt? What was his last thoughts? Did he even realise he was dying when he collapsed? 

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11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

The first thing I do as soon as I wake up is to wonder why I feel so shitty. Then I go "..oh..right..he is still dead". I totally understand the pain of not being able to share things with him. We took photos of every cute thing we saw and sent each other. I feel like there is just no point of carrying my phone around anymore. 

I always carry my phone when I was outside from home because I knew my Goli will call me or message me anytime and I didn't want to miss any call from him but now I don't care about phone. I don't see messages from hours or call anyone, I don't care if my phone is charged fully, I just don't care about anything. This life is beyond tough and every day is struggle for me. Every morning when I woke up is struggle, every night when I try to sleep is struggle. People said, when time goes it would be lesser but NOOOO its not getting lesser , it is increasing because I am going farther from our memories, from our beautiful days we spent together.

I miss him every single second of life, no matter if I am sleeping or awake.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

The most beautiful thing is for me to die and be with my wife.  What is so wrong with that?

I wish that every morning and when I read that people who lost their partner have chances of death 66% more, I feel happiness inside me, that may be I will not survive more and die after few days. But again this morning I woke up and I am totally fine, never imagined before that at age of 29 I will beg for my death so desperately.

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4 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Did he fight back to stay or let go? Did he hurt? What was his last thoughts? Did he even realise he was dying when he collapsed? 

I want answers of these all so badly, I just want to know did he miss me while he was taking his last breath, what he was thinking in last few minutes, did we want to see me that last time, did he see me when I got that horrible news and saw him last time. I am crying right now, all these questions reminds me last day of hospital and these memories are such a pain to tolerate.

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

I want answers of these all so badly,

We all want our answers. We won't know these answers until it is our time to cross over. Your loss is very fresh and my heart aches for you. You might not want to hear these words, but the pain does get easier to bear over time. I didn't believe it either in the beginning.  As of today, it has been 1 year and 1 month. The intensity of the pain has become less sharp, more bearable. More of a sadness than pain. Memories bring a smile. They bring me comfort that I was blessed to spend the time I was given with my husband. It takes patience, self care, an honest effort with coping tools and skills, and time. :wub:

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

We all want our answers. We won't know these answers until it is our time to cross over. Your loss is very fresh and my heart aches for you. You might not want to hear these words, but the pain does get easier to bear over time. I didn't believe it either in the beginning.  As of today, it has been 1 year and 1 month. The intensity of the pain has become less sharp, more bearable. More of a sadness than pain. Memories bring a smile. They bring me comfort that I was blessed to spend the time I was given with my husband. It takes patience, self care, an honest effort with coping tools and skills, and time. :wub:

Thanks KMB, all people say this, it will get easier but right now I don't feel it. Somedays are so tough to handle, In India festival season started from today, all people in office are so energetic, dressed so well , planning to go hometown and I have no one to celebrate this festival, I am not going anywhere. All married girls dressed so well with all our traditional things, like mangalsutra, sindoor , bangles etc, I miss these things so much, I am feeling like blank page.

I am missing him terribly, I should be dressed well with all our traditional things, all my happiness gone with him, its so lonely, can't even bear other peoples smile and happiness because of festival.  

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LoveGoli,

I'm sorry you are missing him going through all of the festivities with you...

In the 1800s people dressed in black the first year...it was a reminder to others that they were in mourning.  Some never returned to bright colors, choosing instead to wear somber greys, an outside reminder of what they felt from within.  People no longer hold to those traditions.  Our society has somehow lost the idea of mourning, yet for us this has happened to, it is very much within our souls.

Of course you don't see that this will ever ease up, yet we do adjust somewhat...not completely, we are never the same again.  Just as a wound festers and eventually heals, so do we, but we are left with scars and not only that, it affects how we are.

I feel for all of you still in those early stages where you wake up to get hit with all of this rude awakening all over again.  For me I have long since quit expecting him to be here.  I know he's not going to call, I know he's not walking through that door, I know I'm sleeping alone.  What is worse, the rude awakenings, being repeated shocked, or actually adjusting to this change...having adjusted is easier on us in one sense, but incomprehensible in another sense.

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LoveGoli, Of course you don't feel it will get easier! I was in your shoes not that long ago. I didn't believe when people told me that it would .I figured they didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't feel my pain. They didn't know how terribly you can so miss one person, whom you cherished beyond anyone else. I spent about 8 months thinking I was never going to get through the suffocating intensity of the pain. I would find myself doubled over with it, or laying on the floor or the bed sobbing uncontrollably. If I was sitting on the sofa trying to distract myself with the tv,, all of a sudden the crying would just come out of no where. I would grab my husband's sofa pillow he used for naps and cry all over it. Crying is the best way to release all the pent up emotions. Keeping busy, especially with putting focus on others, helps tremendously. I started visiting mutual friends, my friends. I put more care into my interacting with my kids. I have only a handful of friends, but I need to keep nurturing and maintaining that contact. If I don't, I know I might be left virtually, completely alone. It has been a very long, tough road. And the journey is far from done. This journey will last the rest of my life. The main thing is NOT to stay stuck in the grief pit. Take baby steps to get out and interact with others. It will be hard at first. But we need to get out of our own heads, our own misery, for a while here and there. It does get a little easier each time. Our loved ones are cheering us on from the other side. They know how tough this is for us. We want them to be proud of us to keep plugging away, day by day. They know that we will be reunited again.:wub:

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LoveGoli, I am sorry that you will not be taking part in the festival activities. I understand how hard that would be for you. This is OK. You don't have to. I couldn't take part in any of the traditional things here either. Maybe next year you will feel up to it. Maybe next year, you will feel like doing it for your husband. He is always by your side in the spiritual sense. He would want to see you finding some level of happiness and taking part in the usual things you once did.:wub:

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22 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I cannot help asking why... Why a person who has so much to live for and look forward to dies all of a sudden? Did he forget all of his promises? Didnt he know we had so many plans and so much to do? Did he fight back to stay or let go? Did he hurt? What was his last thoughts? Did he even realise he was dying when he collapsed? 

These questions really hit home for me.   I've grieved a lot.  But I've only touched the surface on thinking about what was going on in my wife's head as things were coming to an end.  It's scary and sad for me to think about how she may have been experiencing.  Those are actually thoughts that I'm not ready to visit.  Presently, I pretty much tell myself that she's not here and I don't have to worry about what she may have went through in her mind...... but the truth is that I'm really just running away from the thoughts.   One day, I'll be able to process those thoughts and see what I get from it.    This entire ordeal is just too much.   I am so sad and I am begging for something to take my life.

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17 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

. This life is beyond tough and every day is struggle for me. Every morning when I woke up is struggle, every night when I try to sleep is struggle. People said, when time goes it would be lesser but NOOOO its not getting lesser , it is increasing because I am going farther from our memories, from our beautiful days we spent together.

I miss him every single second of life, no matter if I am sleeping or awake.

I am sharing the same kind of struggle with you.   My life is totally consumed by the grief.   It is indeed, a struggle to say the least.  The pain is unbearable.  It is sad.  It does not get better, it is just different.   I carry the thoughts of my wife with me every second and everywhere I go.    For anyone to even think that there's a remote second that I don't think about my wife, you're wrong.   People just don't get it!

 

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17 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 never imagined before that at age of 29 I will beg for my death so desperately.

I am begging for my death too.  I wish to get hit by a truck.  I wish to get shot.  I wish to suffer a heart-attack.  Whatever it is, just take me now.  I am so ready to go.

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Thanks KayC, KMB and Azipod, I really appreciate you guys, you always try to give me comfort but right now it seems impossible for me but I truly appreciate your efforts.

I mentioned earlier that we have wedding at 23 and functions starts from today , everyone in family so excited  plus these festivals, all these happiness giving me such pain. I never felt this loneliness before, all world enjoying festival, wedding and for me someone just pressed PAUSE button. I am an autopilot mode, I don't know what I am doing, why I am doing, I am just doing without any hope, meaning.

 

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2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I mentioned earlier that we have wedding at 23 and functions starts from today , everyone in family so excited  plus these festivals, all these happiness giving me such pain. I never felt this loneliness before, all world enjoying festival, wedding and for me someone just pressed PAUSE button. I am an autopilot mode, I don't know what I am doing, why I am doing, I am just doing without any hope, meaning.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain.   Even though I'm a half a world away, I am still here feeling the pain with you.   You are not alone.

It's night time for me here.  Things are winding down.  I am here thinking of you.

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42 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain.   Even though I'm a half a world away, I am still here feeling the pain with you.   You are not alone.

It's night time for me here.  Things are winding down.  I am here thinking of you.

Thanks, Azipod, you all are very helping. We share common bond of this tragedy and can share our emotion here. I didn't loose only my Goli that day , I lost all my friends and I am glad that I found this forum and met all you guys.  

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14 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I didn't loose only my Goli that day , I lost all my friends and I am glad that I found this forum and met all you guys.  

It’s interesting how after our loss, the people around us will start to revolve.  Some of who you thought would be close will start to gradually fade away while others, will circle their way towards you when you least expect it.

You will quickly know who your real friends are.

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59 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It’s interesting how after our loss, the people around us will start to revolve.  Some of who you thought would be close will start to gradually fade away while others, will circle their way towards you when you least expect it.

You will quickly know who your real friends are.

Actually I got phone call one of my friend one day and she said everyone wants to talk to you but we all don't have any idea what to say, Goli was the ideal person and we all are feeling so sorry for him. After that she never called nor other friends, neither did I because I am not that situation to call anyone, even I do not pick call when someone call me. Sometime I want people near me but at the same time I don't want any, I just want my husband nothing else.

Today, again Friday, one more long weekend without him. Weekend scared me now because I have no idea how I will survive my days. 

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LoveGoli,  Thinking of you and I include everyone here in my prayers. I hate the weekends too. I dislike every day, but the weekends even more so. Long and lonely, no matter what I do to fill up the hours. 

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LoveGoli,

I'm sorry your friends aren't there for you.  I think we have to teach people what we need from them, how to respond, but of course this comes when we can least feel up to it.  I wish they would enclose this as a funeral insert...http://emilyrlong.com/how-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving/

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

After that she never called nor other friends, neither did I because I am not that situation to call anyone, even I do not pick call when someone call me. Sometime I want people near me but at the same time I don't want any, I just want my husband nothing else.

Today, again Friday, one more long weekend without him. Weekend scared me now because I have no idea how I will survive my days. 

Fridays are the worst day in many ways.  It's the start of another weekend, where we are not able to spend time together.  It's another weekend, to go into long moments of darkness coupled with sadness.   Friday also marks the end of another week, without our partner.    With that, it reminds me how purposeless my life is with this never ending repeating cycle.

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