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This June I lost my mother. She overdosed on pills in her bedroom above mine. She had struggled with depression, anxiety, and ptsd for as long as I can remember. The past 3 years though have been really tough. She was a lot more volatile and mean, but just for short periods then she'd go back to the amazing caring kind hearted person she was. It was always hard to tell if she was serious when she'd get that way. She'd always talk about running her car off a bridge or something along those lines but in a angry revenge way not a suicidal way. We had gotten even closer the past few years which I'd think would be hard to do with how close we already were. She was my best friend.

The week of her suicide started off great. We found I was going to graduate college early after several dropouts and hardships on my end. Then I found out I was going to lose my scholarship and she didn't have enough money to pay my tuition. Which triggered not only her guilt of thinking she was a bad mom but her ptsd of my abusive biological dad. Every solution my adopted dad and I came up with wasn't good enough. She started to get in this cycle and couldn't get out of it. The night she killed herself was the worst. She had taken her sleep medicine to sleep through out the day. So when I had come home from class she was asleep. I woke her up and offered to get us dinner which she accepted. I then went out to get food, when I came home I woke her up again and she didn't remember our conversation and got really angry at me saying that she was going to leave me and my dad and that we'd be happier without her. I told her that was stupid and that I'd leave her food out for her. When she finally came down stairs several hours later I went into the kitchen to talk to her. When I walked by her she tried to flip my drink out of my hand. To which I got angry and lashed out asking what her problem was. She replied me being alive was her problem. To which I told her maybe I'd go crash a car somewhere and stormed out of the house where she followed me and told me not to take the nice car then. That was the last conversation I had with her. When I got home I had found she'd locked me out of the house and had to call and wake up my dad to let me in. I then spent 2 hours debating calling 911 cause she had been acting so weird. I decided to wait till morning to avoid her wrath. I woke up 5 hours later went up to her room. By the time the EMTs arrived she was gone. 

Everytime I walk into my house all I can see is how she looked when I found her. I blame myself so much its consuming my life. Everyday gets harder not easier and I don't know what to do. 

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I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mom. My heart breaks for you and what you are, and about, to go through. It is probably the most difficult thing you will ever go through.

Almost three years ago my Mom shot herself and I found her. She left notes and the clothes laid out she wanted to be buried in. So, I still see those images everyday. We had no idea she was contemplating this. I cried uncontrollably everyday for a solid year. The amount of guilt one feels is unbearable. Your life has changed forever and your outlook on life has changed and never be the same.

Please realize that it wasn't your fault she chose this tragic outcome. Your nerves have been shattered into a million pieces and it will take a very long time to begin to heal. Get counseling, talk about it until you are exhausted talking about it. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Pray, cry, get out of the house, exercise, join a gym or volunteer. Talk to others that have lost a loved one to suicide. 

The pain never completely goes away but it is true as time goes by the pain will lessen and you will be able to cope and create a new norm. 

May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort, peace and strength.  My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sincerely, Sherry. 

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Dear Guest96,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its an extremely difficult time. Sorry words are so inadequate at a time like this. I just wanted to add my support to Sherry's message. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to grief counsellor if you want. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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