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Sick with grief and guilt


AJWCat

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I need to watch Cat From Hell, haha. I do need to engage her more during the day, and I have a pink feather toy she likes. Thank God even when she goes crazy it's only for a half hour then she wears down again and sleeps for a while. :)  

I shut her out from the bedroom the other night, got her into the living room and she stayed out for a while and was not scared. So weird how affectionate she is in our room and scared of us when she's out eating or wherever. We're moving forward a little every day.  

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I used to watch it all the time but my Dish lineup took away Animal Planet.  :angry:  It was one of my favorite stations, I loved Dr. Jeff too.

It makes you wonder what their previous experience was.  She is beautiful!  She'll be past the kitten stage before you know it and will likely settle in better.

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I am approaching six months since losing sweet C cat. 8-12-17. 

These "anniversaries" really get to me. This is the only date in my life that is a negative. All the others in my life are happy dates. And I really let it get to me. I dread it. I am so much more sad this week. And I have a longing...

Like losing touch with an old friend and wishing so much you could catch up again. I miss him still. 

Reading everyone's losses here can make me sad too. I can easily tap into the pain and the grief.  

Our new little kitty girl is doing better all the time, not hiding as much. She loves to attack our feet every morning. I've trained her to do things for treats. Life goes on and I'm glad we gave her a home.  

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@AJWCat I’m sorry, I understand. I’m still at the “This time last week...” stage. There are certain times/days of each year that belong to my first dog (who passed in 2006). For years those “anniverseries” (not just “The Day”) were devastating. But it’s strange now, I don’t feel like he is gone anymore, but apart of me. So I just had a thought, maybe our grief blinds us. They don’t leave us, they are always with us. But we have to go through this whole painful process only to discover they were always there - waiting for us.  I’m sorry, I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel. 

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@AJWCat, hey dear.  Sorry your having a bad week.  It is so hard losing such a dear friend. That special creature that was such a big part of you.  I get it, unfortunately.  You know how much I loved my Mocha and i still cry for her everyday.  My heart breaks knowing you seem to have felt so strongly about your "C" cat too. Because it really is hard. It just sucks actually. I keep trying to focus on her whole life instead of just how it ended...but i just can't. Maybe I just can't yet.  And i know it is because it went so dang wrong and our last day together was just not the way it should have went.  I can only imagine what that was like for your situation. Having only those 2 horrid hours.  I really am sorry. I am also sorry I am unable to offer any fluffy comments about how it feels.  I guess it is still too raw for me. I just wanted you to know - for whatever it's worth - that I feel ya sweetie. Six months, year, whatever...it will be the same for me too. Anyway, sorry about things. Hugs

 

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AJWCat I know about these anniversaries... I am  so sorry because I know the pain and the longing get so intense around these dates.I am approaching the five-month mark, but sometimes it seems like yesterday...I don't know what to say except that I feel for you and that my thoughts are with you.:( And I am really glad you have this sweet kitty to comfort you and keep you company.Reading everyone's losses here makes me terribly sad as well...I feel everyone's feelings so much that it gets harder and harder to respond.I know this is not supportive but I cannot help it.

MelsGone I am so sorry for your losses...thank you for writing this.I like to believe that our babies are always by our side, in another form.

 

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MyMocha my heart breaks that you have so much sorrow and regret over your Mocha's passing, all because of an incompetent vet. I wish I could offer you some comfort, the pain of losing them is so beyond anything, I know. I am so so sorry....

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Hey @Maria9, thank you! I know we've been thru this whole thing together, and it's okay! Do what you feel you can - you have to heal yourself. 

I know @MyMocha, that last day/ending is just not what we had ever figured or planned for. So I know you are stuck on that a bit. I was too for a while. It was wrong what happened to Mocha and the position you were put in. It just takes time to I guess, come to an acceptance. (Not "agreement!" Not okay, just acceptance.) And you will. Because Mocha was so much more than that last day. Your last day together went very wrong... but I know eventually you will be able to think about so much more than how that all went down.

I know I can't change what happened, and time has helped so luckily I am not focused on the end as much- it can make you crazy. But yeah, just missing him. Thank you for your comments.    

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3 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I feel everyone's feelings so much that it gets harder and harder to respond.I know this is not supportive but I cannot help it.

Oh boy i can relate to that!  I have been reading everyone's posts and commenting when I can. I still feel kinda bad so I don't think my "support" comes across as good atm.  But don't feel bad Maria9, you can only do the best you can. I have appreciated all your comments on mine and others posts.  So tyvm for your understanding. hugs to you and your loss as well.

@AJWCat, ty for being so sweet and supportive.  Sorry hon I really was trying to be that way for you! ;)  I too am glad you have given a new bundle of fur a second chance at life.  I know it isn't the same with her because I have 2 other kitties myself and it is very different with them.  But as we continue through the years with these others maybe we will love them as much but just in a different way. No one can replace my Mocha or your "C" cat. I will get passed the bad parts at some point...eventually.

I love how you are training her to do things for treats. Must be really cute.  I remember when I rescued my little Leo, it was an ice storm outside and he was just a kitten. He was crying outside of my home. It took 3 days to catch the little guy as he kept getting up in the engine of my truck. When we finally got hands on him to bring him in for food and warmth, I put him in the bathroom with basic amenities and would go in every little bit with a small bit of tuna and just sit across from him for about 10 minutes and then leave, rinse/repeat. He was so terribly frightened that I was going to hurt him. It was so sad to witness. But after a few "visits" with tuna i was finally allowed to touch him. Though he was still very skittish.  After a couple days of that i brought him out to meet the rest of the "family". Belle(dog) and Chloe(Belles cat) and he has been my little buddy every since.  But he - as well as the other two - pretty much tell me what they want when they want it...I don't get  tricks for anything, lol.  (just a quick mention that Mocha was anti-social with anyone but me so she couldn't have cared less about ever meeting Leo!)

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On 2/8/2018 at 7:42 AM, MelsGone said:

They don’t leave us, they are always with us. But we have to go through this whole painful process only to discover they were always there - waiting for us.

This is a comforting thought.

AJWCat, I'm glad you're enjoying the kitty!  And teaching tricks as well!

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Oh @MyMocha you are incredibly supportive! I hope I didn't give you impression otherwise. In fact, I feel like everyone who comes here offers something special, no matter if you lost your furbaby five minutes or five years ago. We all just do the best we can. Oh, sweet Leo what a story!! Not surprised about your Mocha comment ;) 

Yeah @KayC this cat is so cute, for such a tiny thing - she's full grown at 7 lbs, she sure likes treats. (And thx for your comment on my other post, I am such a cat lover that phrase just popped into my head, haha.)

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Made the mistake of looking at my cat's "file" with his single adoption paper we were given from the HS w/ his ID chip info and a little about him. And all the vet paperwork - mostly from the last few years. A couple older things too. I was going to trash all that at one year but I happened to grab it and start flipping through.

Not good. So upset. Not been a good day. In tears a lot today. So the file got put back.  

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@AJWCat, I am so sorry.  It must be the moon tonight because I had a total breakdown over my dear old friend today as well. (i still haven't made it a day without tears but today was very different)  Big hugs to you as these days just are extremely tough.  I think of you and @KayC often as I have tried to take a break away from the forum hoping maybe it would get easier.  It isn't but eventually in time i guess.  I wanted to thank the two of you for being there for me. Your support was/is so valuable.  Again, I am sorry that you had one of those days...but some friends/companions are so rare in their existence that there isn't an easy way to properly adjust to their absence. You can message me anytime you need a friend or just someone to listen.

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Wow, maybe it was the moon, last night I was having a really hard time with Miss Mocha's passing...it's been one year nine months, how is that possible?  Kitty sits as far away from me as possible on the couch and is so grouchy.  Miss Mocha used to snuggle up to me or be on my lap, and she'd blink blink at me and give me kisses, so sweet.  One definitely doesn't replace another, even though I love Kitty, it'll never be the same as it was with Missy Mocha.

 

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Oh @MyMocha I am so sorry to hear that, but thank you for your kind words. I know that everyone who has ever been here is dealing with the pain even if they are not posting. @KayC sorry to hear you're sad as well, Miss Mocha was such a love.

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Just crossed 7 months without our C cat. The newly adopted girl is funny and a little wild, I am her constant playmate. It's a wonder I get anything done since I work from home. We're pretty sure she had a tapeworm so today was pill #2,  I cut up the pill the vet gave me. I tried getting it down her throat and she chewed it and started drooling everywhere which was like PTSD for me. I was so scared I'd hurt her I called the vet who said she would be fine. And two minutes later she was. So that was today's scare. I'm just a little more worried of everything now. At least I got the rest down her okay. 

And I admit, I don't cry but there is still a hole in my heart, or a crack, use whatever analogy... I wonder when it will ever go away. Maybe never.

I am happy again that is fine. But it is there, I feel it.

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@AJWCat, Oh my, i am sure it was a scare! It's a shame that some of the medicines that treat our furry friends ailments are so tough on them.  I had to treat worms once and it made my poor little Leo sick and he staggered around.  Definitely a scary event.  It also made my Mocha's hair thin badly where the topical was applied. But glad your new little playmate pulled through quickly.  As for there being a hole in your heart after losing your "C" cat, I truly understand.  I am always going to be sad about my Mocha.  Hugs to you

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AJWCat,

That must have been really frightening!  That would have me freaked out for sure.  I'm glad she's okay.

And yes, I know that hole in the heart feeling all too well, not sure it ever goes away, it takes so long to diminish enough to even feel tolerable.  :(

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Thanks to you both. The question, will another cat replace him has been answered. I love this girl, she is so sweet but he will never be replaced. 

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My sweet kitty has been on my mind so much lately. I love having my new girl kitty, she is endlessly interactive and entertaining. It's interesting how my heart can love again and ache all at the same time. I always thought you couldn't be happy and sad at once, yet I am. The months tick onward. I can't believe those last few hours what a bad way to say goodbye.   

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Oh I understand!  I am still missing my Miss Mocha and it was June 3, 2016!  I love Kitty but she is vastly different than Miss Mocha.  One doesn't make up for another but it does help fill the void a bit.  

I had a scary thing happen yesterday.  I went to my son's and took Arlie (won't again as his dog attacked him again).  We went on a 5.6 mile hike, it was uphill and as we went, the trail narrowed considerably.  We were walking along a precipice and it was straight down on one side, and got to a part where part of the trail was washed away.  I don't know how he did it, but Arlie somehow got turned around.  I was trying to help him get turned back around (he's huge) but he wasn't listening because he was in panic mode.  All of a sudden his back feet slipped on the precipice!  I don't know how I did it, but I reached out and got his hind end back up.  My son was behind me and it scared him to death.  He told me, next time, cut the dog loose.  I said, "Not happening!  He is my baby, I could never see him fall to his death or worse, injure himself and die suffering and alone, I couldn't do it."  My DIL said, "Better him than you."  I said, I don't feel that way.  I knew in that moment I'd die with my dog rather than go through the other scenario.  He is my little boy, I could not leave him there at the bottom of a sheer drop off, with internal injuries and broken bones, couldn't do it.  If we go down, we go down together, at least I'd be with him.

I don't know that anyone can understand but the people here.  You are the true lovers of animals, the ones who would do anything they could for their pet companions.

As to the attack,Arlie got a bite on his cheek/lip area and the halti was making it worse yesterday so I've been putting Neosporin on it and giving him baby aspirin.  Going easy on his walks this week.

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Oh my gosh, what a close call for you both. Wow I am so so glad you are okay... poor Arlie! What a day he had. He's a trooper. I'm sure he's glad to be at home to relax after all that! 

I do understand what you mean. I know what your son and DIL meant, but yeah, we'd do anything to save them. I miss Miss Mocha for you too, what a sweetheart she was. I was reading previous posts too, I hope things thaw out and warm up soon there!!  

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We had snow and hail here yesterday and the power was out all afternoon but things seem back to normal now. I hope for no more snow this Spring!

Looking back at our close call is scary.  Right now trying to heal up Arlie's bite wound with Neosporin twice a day, unfortunately his tongue can lick it off.  I'm trying to distract him right afterwards so he'll at least leave it on for a while.  If I took him to the vet they'd prescribe antibiotics but he doesn't tolerate them well, they make him deathly sick, we've gone through that with his Colitis over the years, that's why I try to treat him naturally through diet instead.

So far the rest of my family/friends seems to understand my thinking with Arlie and how much he means to me, thankfully.  I've seen too many times where people try to talk you out of how you feel.

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I hope he is doing okay now. My C cat couldn't tolerate antibiotics for much more than a day or two, then he threw up. 

Also... a few nights ago, I was in my office, working on my laptop (writing about our Cat had been our Co. mascot) I swear out of the corner of my eye, to my left I saw him slowly walking down the hallway towards me. I looked over and nothing was there. New kitty was on the other side of the room, asleep. So I started typing again and moments later, again he was there slowly walking toward me and then it felt so real I jolted, looked over and nothing. Two nights later, about 4 am, my husband saw him too. Caught him out of the corner of his eye, his back legs and tail as he walked past- a little wispy - and turned the corner to go back down the same hallway. My husband thought it was our new kitty and walked around the corner to look down the hall. Nothing. She found her in the bed with me. 

So we've had visits. Which feels like about time. He never even lived here. But I have been thinking about him so much and then writing about him.   

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I keep track of the antibiotics they've put him on that have made him deathly ill, he couldn't even hold down a tsp. of water.  I just keep praying this wound doesn't get infected, religious with the Neosporin.  Have been afraid to use alcohol because of the sting, or Peroxide, because it's damaging to the skin.

Wow, your visits, don't know how to refer to them, strange?  I guess we think things strange when we can't explain it, but perhaps it's more common than we realize!  I hope it gave you assurance and comfort to know he's still around, still with you.

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Ugh. Maybe just the tiniest cotton ball dab of HP would be okay? 

I do feel a little better... maybe he found us? I always felt extra horrible he passed in a different city, away from home, but he's a spirit now so what does it matter. Hope Arlie heals up okay.

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I don't want to do damage to the skin while it's growing back, but I'm being very regular with the Neosporin and he's starting to get used to it, not seeing him lick it off after the first day or two.  Not seeing any signs of infection so far. 

I do think their spirits find us, they aren't limited by proximity, they can travel easily.

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Oh no. Have you called the vet? We know they'll say bring him in. It's a tough spot to heal. I do hope it's better today. :( 

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It's not going to get better in a day, it takes time for the skin to regrow several surfaces, the fur may not grow back.  Our vet is 100 mile round trip and they'd prescribe antibiotics he can't tolerate...been there, done that, too many times.  I'm hoping it'll show signs of being "better" within a couple of weeks of injury...by next weekend.

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Good! Hope it's still the case since you posted! 

interesting how quiet the forum got, we had so many people all at once with losses. I stop in every now and then just to see if there is anyone suffering that I can help.

I I have settled in now, reached some level of I guess, acceptance? or as close to it as I can ever get. My crazy little girly cat reminds me of my sweet boy everyday.  

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His scab came off yesterday, and I'm hoping it's healed well underneath, hard to see since the fur did grow back, but I think he's healing fine.

I'm suffering yet another loss, this time of my granddoggy, Mozzy.  She hasn't passed, but she needs to be rehomed.  She gets very nervous around the one year old baby and they're concerned she might nip at him...also she leaped over the fence and killed the neighbor's chickens.  She needs a high fence, no chickens around, no babies in the home, would do well with older children and a young energetic dog.  She's seven but you'd never know it, she's super high energy and in great health and will live a long life.  White German Shepherd and Husky mix.

I am heartbroken because I realize I will probably never see her again.  :(  I considered taking her myself but she could jump my fence and I have a LOT of neighbors with chickens.  Also my dog is showing signs of being a senior and she would constantly bug him to play and although that's fine for a weekend, it wouldn't work for "the rest of his life".  She needs a very high energy family.

 

Mozzy 21.jpg

Mozzy 27.jpg

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Oh no. What a gorgeous dog. Is this the one that nipped Arlie too? 

I am so sorry, that is sad news. :( I hope that it works out, there is someone out there that would be a better home, fewer issues for everyone. Keep me posted. 

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AJW, I thought of you and all of the others I've been through the loss of my cat with when I saw this cartoon...to all of the pet lovers...

Pluggers.jpg

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Thanks @KayC :) So true! My husband and I would talk to our cat like that all the day. 

I am nearing one year of our loss and thinking about it a lot. I am not expecting a melt down or anything but I am mindful. It's gone by so fast. I remember when a month had gone by thinking, I have not petted or kissed him in a month?? It seemed impossible. I ached for his presence - the comfort and unconditional love it brought. No matter what was happening in my world, he was there waiting to give and get love.

I focus on the life he had and not the end. I am sad our last two hours together were not peaceful and loving. It was stressful and sad. It's just how life goes sometimes.

My heart has a forever break in it. One year later I have peace but I will have that crack forever.    

 

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I know, it's amazing how time passes...it's been over two years since my Miss Mocha died, nearly five since Skye passed.  How can that be?

10 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I focus on the life he had and not the end.

That is best.  They had good lives, they knew they were loved.  There are so many still waiting for their forever homes, I pray someone steps up to the plate, they all deserve what we gave our pets.

10 hours ago, AJWCat said:

My heart has a forever break in it. One year later I have peace but I will have that crack forever.    

It's true, this does change us.  We are forever affected by all we've been through.

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(((hugs)))  In four days it'll be two years for Arlie, I can't even visit his grave as I'm evacuated.

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Oh no @KayC I am so sorry. I hope you and puppy Kodie are doing okay and that they contain that fire soon.  

Yes I have nowhere to visit. We're hundreds of miles from where we left him. :( But I have the memories. 

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Yes, I guess that's how we have to look at it, and save dementia, no one can take that from us.  Thinking of you today as you go through the deathaversary

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