Jump to content
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

Sick with grief and guilt


AJWCat

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I agree with Maria, you need to give it time, get to know her for who she is, try not to compare her to your old cat, they're all so wonderfully different!  I lost Miss Mocha and still have Kitty...Kitty does not fill the void left by Miss Mocha because they're complete opposites.  But she DOES help fill a spot in my heart that is Kitty shaped.  It IS a unique relationship and she forms a unique bond in this "family" of me, my dog, and her.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I know grief feels inconsolable at times.  (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So... sorry for all the drama, but I had to post this. So, we had her for 2 days and we gave her back to the adoption shelter. :( She was really sweet but my husband - who loved her, couldn't handle her neediness. She was all over him. She would jump into his arms and wanted constant attention and jumped everywhere else too. I guess I've always had really mellow cats who just lounged around. It never occurred to me that a 3 year cat would be this way. I barely slept because I was nervous to let her roam around and knock something over or get hurt, and she freaked out being locked in our room. We felt rather than waiting to see if she calmed down would just make it worse if she didn't. I know she'll find a good home (I hope with kids and more distractions) of course I've been in tears all day over this decision too. 

I feel SO bad and so horrible to do this. Needless to say, I will wait again before looking.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJW, I am sorry it wasn't working out with the new cat. 3 years is young. They are very active and it takes several years for them to become a lounge around cat, if that is their personality. The cat I have now is a little over 12 and I remember her young days very well. Jumping off of everything, climbing the curtains, etc. What I ended up doing was getting involved with interactive play. The long, fishing pole type of toys with the feather or something on the end. Something that is interactive, gets the cat running and jumping to get that prey and hunting instinct going. That kind of play tires them out, if you do it before you go to bed. The cat's reward is the catching of that toy on the end of the pole several times and being rewarded with a treat.

Young cats are a ball of energy and need interactive play in a positive manner to wear out that energy.

You are still grieving and maybe it isn't the right time for another cat. Maybe, when you feel up to adopting again, you might opt out for an older cat who isn't quite so active.:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi AJW. I can understand what happened. It's probably true that it's too soon. We want to fill the void but under the best of circumstances it takes time to bond with a new pet and develop a rhythm of life together. I've been browsing online the pet shelters to look at the dogs. The thought of having that dog friend tempts me , but it won't be my Yaffi and its way too soon for me to go there. It is therapeutic in some way to see what's out there . To hope for a "one day" to be ready for a new dog love. But we have to be ready with room to love a new relationship . Take the time you need. There will be a cat thats just right for you and your husband when you're ready. Be easy on yourself. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJW,

One of my son's dogs is like that, EXTREMELY needy, insatiable appetite for attention, it can be annoying!  She was neglected for attention as a pup, her owners going through a divorce and working all the time, but still, it's been YEARS and she's still this way.  They've had to do a lot of training with her, and as a family of four there's always something going on but she's never satisfied no matter how many belly rubs or how much petting and walks and attention she gets.

Never mind, the cat is no worse for the wear, they don't know if you're bringing them home to foster, adopt, or what so the return shouldn't be too traumatic.  We'll just pray she gets just the right home for her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJWCat I am sorry it turned out this way. You tried it ,it didn't work out, it's ok. You didn't know beforehand how it would be. Don't beat yourself up. You did the right thing for you and for that kitty to give her back, now she has a chance  to find a suitable family.                                                                                                                                                                                        When the time comes to get another pet you will feel it. Or that pet that is right for you will find you  . Now it's too soon. Be patient and give yourself time to heal.Take care of yourself.:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support and kindness and the advice. I will pray she finds the right family. I would never have let her go just because she was not like our other guy. She was adorable and I actually miss her a lot. It was so nice having a cat around, when she was nice and calm anyway. Our other cat was 5 when we got him so he was pretty relaxed. So yes I will be patient. I am so busy with my work as it is. 

I don't think I have cried so much within a four month period in my entire life, I am certain of it.      

    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kittens can be pretty needy and a lot of work.  Perhaps with an older cat next time?  Five is a great age!  I got Kitty when she was ten, and I don't know how old Miss Mocha was, but she was an adult who had had a litter and been spayed.  I got King George when he was six and Chappy when he was two.  I LIKE getting them a bit older.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.  :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks @KayC and I agree w/ you. I got kittens when I was 19 and had them until they passed when I was in my 30's. I was young enough to tolerate their insanity!

I am doing okay now, thank you. It's a bit of a rollercoaster.     

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Ι too am glad you are doing somewhat better....You and KayC are the closest to me in this forum and I wish I could help you more during the bad moments...I feel your sadness and it is the same sadness I feel,  if only I knew a way to lessen it....:(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think I would feel the same way...I am grateful I have my two other kitties but even if I didn't have them I don't think I would be able to get another cat, not yet. However lovable she/he would be, it wouldn't be my Sissy. If anything, I think it would make me feel worse. And that would be unfair for the new cat also.

We need time with this. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yes agreed. I am so glad you both have other pets. 

Today I find anger welling up again. I am going through all the receipts from over the summer (doing our accounting) and literally reliving parts. I am still so mad this happened. I also have a very hard time with the "things happen for a reason" saying. I have heard it said a lot lately. And maybe it is true, but I sure do not like hearing it. My cat howling in anguish - well, I can't find a good reason for that. Sorry for saying it. I just had to get this out.     

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yes. get it out...Anger is part of grief ( and so is guilt). I sometimes feel angry too, at myself. I feel I may have caused my kitty's sickness in some way. And I used to get sometimes angry at whatever "higher power" threw this at me, but not so much anymore. I am starting to believe the theory that says that before coming to this life we have agreed to go through certain experiences for our souls to evolve. And that we have made pre-birth soul contracts with our pets for the same reason. I still cannot accept that we could have chosen to go through so much pain but this theory makes more sense to me than accepting that things happen just randomly. All this is  too hard to swallow and the pain is still there, no matter why it happened.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Or maybe I am just trying to rationalize loss. I am so sorry you're going through this, this anger and pain...I hope I am not adding to it, I am writing this because you might find in it something helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/3/2017 at 5:18 AM, AJWCat said:

Yes agreed. I am so glad you both have other pets. 

Today I find anger welling up again. I am going through all the receipts from over the summer (doing our accounting) and literally reliving parts. I am still so mad this happened. I also have a very hard time with the "things happen for a reason" saying. I have heard it said a lot lately. And maybe it is true, but I sure do not like hearing it. My cat howling in anguish - well, I can't find a good reason for that. Sorry for saying it. I just had to get this out.     

I feel as you do.  I think we can overthink things or look for reasons that do not exist.  I, too, see no "reason" in some things happening.  Some things just happen and it helps me reconcile it by my belief that many things are rather random.  I find a lot of Christians think there is a master planner pulling the strings like a puppeteer...He may be a master planner but not with everything that happens in the world.  What about rape?  I don't think He plans that!  Some things happen because we're living in an imperfect world and we have mortal bodies that give out.  Period.  The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, that says to me that things happen to us all.  It doesn't seem evenly distributed either.  I don't look for explanations for everything, that might drive me crazy!  But I accept that some things come our way that we have to deal with the best we can.  No, your cat howling in anguish, I do not see purpose in that, I'm so sorry for that memory you have, but your cat is at peace now and knowing that I hope that helps you find a little peace.  My heart goes out to you, AJWCat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Maria,

After I wrote this response to AJWCat, I read your post, and I smile to see you and I have polar opposite responses, but that's okay, whatever makes sense to us, whatever brings us any form of comfort.  I find it harder to believe that someone caused these things to happen and there's some divine purpose in it all, but if that helps you, well to each his/her own!  :)  It just goes to show we each find our own way through this and whatever helps us...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks you both are very helpful always! And yes, he is at peace now. I forget that, as I focus on the end so much.

I actually value both perspectives - it would be interesting to think it was all designed for our souls to evolve... and yet I subscribe to the randomness theory as well. I guess I just needed to get that out. I can't keep on with my husband. I know he misses our cat terribly but I can make him crazy if I keep going over it.

There is nothing we can do, we have to learn to live with it. 

I am sloooooowly getting there. With all the pain in the world I am still very lucky. When I am not feeling bad or feeling sorry for myself I see that very clearly. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

One thing that helped me was in recognizing that three steps forward, two steps backwards, is still in a progressive fashion, we are making headway, even when we're in the "two steps backwards" part, looking at the overall journey we can look back and see we're getting there little by little.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You're both right. Learning to live with loss is such a slow process and it certainly feels like "three steps forward, two steps backward", a zig-zag.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Missing my sweet kitty. Almost nearing the 4 month mark. :( Going thru all the receipts from the summer, not trying to relive everything. Definitely remember how despondent I was. Now just sad.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJWCat I feel your sadness...what can I say? At least try not to recall his passing (I know it is not easy). Missing them is one thing, recalling their passing is another, and it makes the pain so much worse.Missing them is hard in itself, there is this sadness that permeates everything, the world is just not the same anymore.We are learning to live on while missing them, a new thing for me too. I am so sorry.....(((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I agree, it serves no purpose to remember the end, it's hard enough it hunts us down and haunts us...try to push that part aside and remember instead the good memories and know you had good time together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hey everyone, wanted to share my ongoing saga.

We did get another kitty. Kitty attempt #2. She seems a little more calm than the other cat we tried adopting but she is a year younger. She's 2! I tried explaining to my husband that we have a crazy teenage cat. The youngest cat he ever had was our last guy who passed, and he was 5 when we rescued him. I think she will be a match for us But my husband is a lot more concerned about our rugs and furniture staying nice than me so I am crossing my fingers she behaves and buying lots of toys and scratching posts. 

She is very different from our sweet cat we lost 4 1/2 months ago, tiny, she is only 7 lbs. The second day we had her I was aching for my other cat. I cried myself to sleep missing him. I had an awful feeling pit of my stomach. Guilt? Sadness? Both? 

Having a cat with us again, reminds me of having him especially when he was younger and would race around. I have had so many memories and yes, comparisons. I had a crazy dream last night where there were cats everywhere and I was trying to find him. Even shopping for cat stuff today, my heart broke missing him, thinking of all the things he liked and that I would buy him.

It's not that I don't like this cat, I do - even though I would have gone for a cat a little bigger in size and older but that was me trying to replicate the one we lost. I know maybe we should have waited longer but I love having a cat in my home. And the idea so many animals sit in shelters, lonely, waiting to be rescued, kills me. That said, definitely do not have the bond I had with our other guy. I also know that took time.

I am happy but still sad and still missing him. They may be gone but can't be replaced. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJWCat I am glad you got a new kitty, for you and for her. And I am so sorry for your sadness, I know how much you miss him, your other cat. No they can not be replaced, the hole in our hearts that has their shape will always be there.The memories of them will always be there...But you're giving this kitty a home and a family and in time you'll love her, in another way.I am sure your guy, his spirit, is watching you and he is glad for you too.He knows you have lots of love to give and he doesn't want you to feel sad and lonely.

It takes patience to have such a young kitty around but they're funny and cute in their playfulness, and maybe with time this will help to distract you.  I too hope she behaves and that it all goes well. As for the guilt and the mixed feelings I understand. I sometimes have them around my two other cats ,isn't that crazy? With a new cat these feelings must really intense. And the comparison is so painful, we want them to be the old pet....what can I say? I really hope you find some peace with this. My heart goes out to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJW,

Yes they are gone but cannot be replaced...but nothing wrong in enriching our lives with another cat so we aren't so empty and alone.  Take time to play with her, the interaction will wear her out so she'll be less likely to scratch furniture, etc.  My Miss Mocha was the one who ruined my new loveseat, but I caught Kitty stretching her claws on my wooden bed.  I let her know it was not okay and sacrificed our picnic table bench to her scratching so now she asks to go out to the patio whenever she wants to scratch, better that than my furniture.  They had scratching posts inside and out but didn't seem interested in them.  Cats like to do the choosing!

This Christmas will be a little lovelier for this cat thanks to you and your husband!  I remember when I got my dog nine years ago from a rescue, he was in a "cell" with nothing to do, nothing to play with, no interaction besides the few minutes a day a worker could spare.  They didn't notice that their dogfood gave him diarrhea, that he also contracted Kennel Cough while there.  He was literally starving when they'd picked him up, something they never seem to get over completely, always thinking they need food even though they're fed on a regular basis.  When I think of getting this dog, I literally rescued him from the rescue.  I appreciate the work they do, but it's not the same as getting them into a safe loving home.

I wish you all the best with your new family member!  She won't stay this age long, she'll calm down some.  My Kitty is 22 and she STILL tears around the house, just not as often as a kitten does.n  You should see the look on her face when my big dog decides to join in the fun!  He thinks she's started a game, she is not amused!  :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It will be KayC, it's a happy time even with my underlying sadness. This little kitty will have a good day tho. A few toys and a home. I wish all the best, hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family and Arlie and Kitty, you deserve it.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My daughter is sick so I won't see her, but I will spend five hours driving in order to get 4 1/4 hours with my son and granddaughter and DIL.  Short but it will be good to see the grandbabies.

Arlie is enjoying a chew and Kitty got some treats, so they're contentedly awaiting their breakfast.  Merry Christmas to you and your husband and kitty too!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So,  I took my new kitty in for vaccines yesterday. Last night she actually joined us on the bed. She hides a lot under the bed so it was kind of odd. Then, I touched her hip area and she cried out. Just sore from the vaccine I guess but I still totally freaked out and upset my husband. Then this morning I saw she ate her food, used her box, and seemed back to normal without any pain.

But she's still scared of us a lot  and I am starting to think she had a mean previous owner?? Sometimes she wants affection and other times she hides all day long just coming out to eat.  

But anyway, I am clearly paranoid of anything going wrong. Before losing my cat I was much more relaxed and now I admit I am nervous. I have to remember I just do the the best I can.And I am still missing our "C" cat, he's been gone almost 5 months now. My heart still aches for him, his personality, what we had. Even still, I am glad we adopted this little girl. Wish I could rescue more.     

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJW, I hope she feels easier with you guys soon.  I had a dog, Lucky, that had been abused by a previous owner (I was her third owner), she never did feel self-assured, wouldn't follow me around my house, staying to her bed unless she was outside, the only animal I've had be like that.  The vet hoped she'd relax around us in time but she never did.  Her second owner over-trained her.  She felt she had to ask permission to eat, ask permission to go in or out of the house, it eased a tiny bit but this poor dog never was what I would call comfortable in her own skin.  Still she knew we loved her.  She was 1/2 whippet and needed LOTS of exercise, she got 20 miles a day in with us...we were a family of four, three of them would take her on bikerides, one at a time, and I would take her on a six mile walk at the end of the day.  Where else is she going to find that?  These animals are eternally grateful for the loving homes we give them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJWCat  I know your heart still aches for your guy...same here. The missing is so intense....even with my other cats around. But your heart won't feel as empty now. Your kitty girl sounds really sweet. I think she needs time to feel safe with you. Who knows how she has been treated in the past ? I understand about the paranoid part..don't let these thoughts overwhelm you and ruin the present . Like you say, we are doing the best we can every moment. Try to focus on this and enjoy your kitty. I am glad for both you and your husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

@AJWCat, just read your story and so sorry you had to go through all this. I, too, lost my pug on a Saturday and I feel like they will never be the same for me again. I saw that you said you were using this as a journal and I think I may do that on the memorial site I created for my guy. I hope the new cat works out for you! Being a rescue mom takes a lot of work, but the pay out is also huge. Especially if you know they came from a crappy environment to begin with... And I can totally relate to freaking out about the little thing. I have two older pugs, but it was the youngest that passed away from cancer. Now, I find myself looking at their every bump, every upset tummy with despair and worry. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yeah, I have lost many pets over the years. I just really had a special connection with this guy. Don't know why. I have my theories. But, still trying to work through how much I miss his sweet face. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I understand, it's how I'm feeling with my Arlie, when he goes I don't know how I'll get through it but only know I must somehow, just as I had to when I lost my husband.  Each pet and relationship is so different, based not only on their personalities but also where we are in our lives.  I think that's part of it, I've lived alone for so many years and Arlie has been my companion, plus I relate to his headstrongness, and love his goofy personality and he's loving, and the smartest dog I've ever seen.  Not always the most cooperative though!  :)  I think it's a combination of things that affects how close we are, and hence how griefstricken we are to lose them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You are right KayC. My first two cats, I loved so much. I was so sad.

But, the last cat, was devastating. Beyond a pet loss. I feel like we had bonded on another level. (I have said before he was like a dog! Super smart.) Maybe it was where I was in my life too as he was my child for 10 years.

I know this, you treasure everyday with Arlie, and your love and gratitude for him is wonderful.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sparkyn98, AJWCat, KayC  I know...that's how I feel about my kitty too. We love all our pets but the bond we have with some of them is so unique, so deep, it cannot be explained in words.And when we lose them the pain is equally deep, unbearable.But however hard the grief,it is such a blessing to have experienced this deep bond with another being ,in this life.We went, and some of us are still going, through hell, I won't deny it.But there is a part of me (an angry part,for sure) that is feeling sorry for all the  "it was just a cat" people. They'll never know what they missed.

KayC I wish you enjoy your Arlie for many many years.He sounds very sweet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Good point Maria. The bonds we have are amazing. If other people don't get to have them or choose to have them, it is sad.

Pets add so much joy to life. They are one of the things that makes life worth living to me. So when we lose them, life feels pretty empty.

And we can never replace them... I can't think for too long about that. :(

But we can always give a good home to another one if we are willing. That is where I am now.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

AJWCat, so true...Someone said "pets turn a house into a home" and they're so right.Pets bring so much joy, they're pure love. And there are so many pets out there who need someone to care for them, to give them a home and love them....It is so good that some of us can do it.

I've not been posting much lately, I want to support people here but I'm putting all my energy into creating a new job, trying to keep busy.I have to do this not only for financial reasons but mostly to give myself some motivation that takes me through each day.Trying to resist the emptiness that pulls me down like quicksand . No,they can never ever ever be replaced...If I dwell on this the sadness floods me.I'm so sorry that you're going through this too.:(

I hope that your new kitty brings you some joyful moments.I'm sure you and your husband will make her feel safe and loved. Though I'm not posting much, you and KayC are never far from my thoughts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, Maria9 said:

AJWCat, so true...Someone said "pets turn a house into a home" and they're so right.Pets bring so much joy, they're pure love. And there are so many pets out there who need someone to care for them, to give them a home and love them....It is so good that some of us can do it.

I've not been posting much lately, I want to support people here but I'm putting all my energy into creating a new job, trying to keep busy.I have to do this not only for financial reasons but mostly to give myself some motivation that takes me through each day.Trying to resist the emptiness that pulls me down like quicksand . No,they can never ever ever be replaced...If I dwell on this the sadness floods me.I'm so sorry that you're going through this too.:(

I hope that your new kitty brings you some joyful moments.I'm sure you and your husband will make her feel safe and loved. Though I'm not posting much, you and KayC are never far from my thoughts.

Thanks Maria! I completely understand. You have been a great support, and there's never any bad feelings if we don't hear from you for a while. We've all gone through such awful pain, I wish you nothing but happiness.    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, KayC said:

AJW, how's it going with your new kitty?

Hi KayC, it's very interesting. She is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. (Not evil just different!)

She basically sleeps all day. All day! She is under the bed in our room, doesn't want to come out, she doesn't want anything to do with us at all. I try to interact, she is tired and she is scared. I lure her out with treats, and then she runs back under the bed. The weird thing is, the first 2 weeks she spent out in our living room but now under the bed is her space.

Then... by 7 pm she slinks out and eats. And by 9 pm she is in our bed, snuggling next to us, wanting kisses, crazy for affection, the friendliest cat in the world. Then she spends all night with us, attacking our feet here and there, "snoozing" and running around playing in our room.  

So, I am trying to be patient about changing her schedule, getting her on our routine and turning the night time version into the all the time version!   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh she's really sweet! Cats ARE night hunters by nature, its just that over time they adapt to our routines and get to sleep at night.I imagine your kitty will adapt as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Wow, I've never had a cat do that!  Miss Mocha used to sleep a lot, but she didn't necessarily come to life at night, but then I didn't have her as a kitten either.  I hope she adjusts in time.  Have you tried waking her up in the daytime and engaging her in play?  I used to watch "My Cat from Hell" and Jackson would recommend that, toys that you play with together.  You can bend a coat hanger into a straight stick, hang a string on the end of it, tie feathers on the end of the string and move it around on the floor, up in the air, try to get Kitty to jump for it, pounce on it, pull it back, make her go after it.  It can give them quite a workout so they'll sleep at night better.  Also laser lights are great.  My son's husky loves their's...have to be careful not to shine it on anything breakable!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.