Members Mrsviden Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 Tonight is one of those nights I just feel numb, I don't know how I'm breathing, I don't know how I'm still here... Today, I thought a lot about I really can't remember what his face looks like, almost as if when I look at a picture I go "oh yeah that's him" I have a picture of us in Sturgis on my rear view mirror and I look at it every time I get in and I have the same feeling, I just simply can't believe he is gone. Hanging from my rear view is his dog tags and his wedding band, it breaks my heart to know he will never put it back on and proudly show off that he was taken. It's as if everyday I have to remind myself this is real, this is your life, and there's no coming back. As if everyday I have to relive Jan. 8 all over again. Im really struggling with the signs, I know they say every time you see a cardinal it's a visitor from heaven but is it really every time you see one? Could it be that my husband loves and misses me that much that he is surrounding me with cardinals? The robins too, are supposedly a sign to let you know they are with you, I have had the same robin in my yard since his passing, could it be he really is trying to tell me he is with me? How am I that deserving of such awesome signs? Ill end with I just really am missing my husband, I miss the complete feeling I got when we were together. I miss his hugs, I just miss everything about him. And no matter who I try to talk to, they simply don't understand, they respond with "ya it will get easier you'll get remarried" I get that People just spat things out without thinking, but it doesn't help the situation. I just need my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 14 minutes ago, Mrsviden said: Tonight is one of those nights I just feel numb, I don't know how I'm breathing, I don't know how I'm still here... Today, I thought a lot about I really can't remember what his face looks like, almost as if when I look at a picture I go "oh yeah that's him" I have a picture of us in Sturgis on my rear view mirror and I look at it every time I get in and I have the same feeling, I just simply can't believe he is gone. Hanging from my rear view is his dog tags and his wedding band, it breaks my heart to know he will never put it back on and proudly show off that he was taken. It's as if everyday I have to remind myself this is real, this is your life, and there's no coming back. As if everyday I have to relive Jan. 8 all over again. Im really struggling with the signs, I know they say every time you see a cardinal it's a visitor from heaven but is it really every time you see one? Could it be that my husband loves and misses me that much that he is surrounding me with cardinals? The robins too, are supposedly a sign to let you know they are with you, I have had the same robin in my yard since his passing, could it be he really is trying to tell me he is with me? How am I that deserving of such awesome signs? Ill end with I just really am missing my husband, I miss the complete feeling I got when we were together. I miss his hugs, I just miss everything about him. And no matter who I try to talk to, they simply don't understand, they respond with "ya it will get easier you'll get remarried" I get that People just spat things out without thinking, but it doesn't help the situation. I just need my husband. Mrsviden, I'm so sorry for the state you're in, I get it. I wish I didn't, but like you, here I am. It's so obvious how much you love your husband, it's reflected in your grief and sorrow. I wish I could say anything comforting with authority, but I can't. I can say, though, that he absolutely loves you, would be there, with you, his best girl, if he had a say in the matter. And I will also say that those things you experience or see, the signs, I believe that they can be very REAL. How you interpret or how you feel about them is a very personal experience, and they are meant for you. Nobody, not myself, your best friend or worst enemy can tell you what is or isn't a "sign" or a message. They're for you, and that's all that matters. If the take away brings you peace or comfort, or a sense of "knowing", then I'd wager that you've been given an assurance. You deserve the sign because you are so loved, so cherished, it's what you'd do for him. Mrsviden, hang in there, "see" what you need to, believe as you need to believe, I'll be thinking and praying for you. Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 Thank you Andy, I too pray for you along with everyone else I've come to "know" on this forum. when I saw three cardinals three separate times but all in the same day I mentioned out loud to a friend in the car with me that the cardinal was Joes sign to me and she said "it's spring time that's why you see them, it's not your husband" again we've had this conversation before on finding out who your "friends" are and who they aren't and cutting those people out. But it brings the question, how do they not understand how bad words hurt. The other day I was listening to k love and it was talking about how marriage isn't beautiful, if you want to listen it was Scott smith- marriage isn't beautiful, I bawled my eyes out listening to it and she replied with "what's wrong with you" This forum is a forum in which I feel bittersweet about, im thankful to have people on here that truly get it, but my heart breaks to bond with people over something so awful. I can't thank you enough for your response, your words mean a lot, and I pray you are having a good night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 Mrsviden, it's 3:37am here, I'm restless, trying to sleep. Another one of "those" nights I guess. People don't always understand the impact words can have. The day of my wife's funeral, I was relating to an old family friend the reason I left my wife's necklace on her, to be buried with her. She responded with an incredulous look and asking "You left it on her? Why?" Now, here I am, going through this grinding wheel of emotions, trying my hardest to get funeral arrangements made, seeing to my daughter, my parents, reassuring my wife's family, trying to get everything right. And this person makes me feel horrible, causing me to question myself, "did I do the right thing? Did I make the right decision?" I think I'm still mad about that. Yes, it's a terrible kind of wisdom we have, knowledge that I didn't ask for. I'm glad we have each other here, I honestly don't know what I'd do without this outpouring of kindness and support. I'm happy you've find my words helpful, it's about all I have to offer anymore. I tend to feel useless nowadays. Hang in there, may you find comfort and peace, love and hugs, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 5 hours ago, Andy said: Mrsviden, it's 3:37am here, I'm restless, trying to sleep. Another one of "those" nights I guess. People don't always understand the impact words can have. The day of my wife's funeral, I was relating to an old family friend the reason I left my wife's necklace on her, to be buried with her. She responded with an incredulous look and asking "You left it on her? Why?" Now, here I am, going through this grinding wheel of emotions, trying my hardest to get funeral arrangements made, seeing to my daughter, my parents, reassuring my wife's family, trying to get everything right. And this person makes me feel horrible, causing me to question myself, "did I do the right thing? Did I make the right decision?" I think I'm still mad about that. Yes, it's a terrible kind of wisdom we have, knowledge that I didn't ask for. I'm glad we have each other here, I honestly don't know what I'd do without this outpouring of kindness and support. I'm happy you've find my words helpful, it's about all I have to offer anymore. I tend to feel useless nowadays. Hang in there, may you find comfort and peace, love and hugs, Andy I'm sorry you are having one of those nights as well. I'm also sorry that you had such a thing said to you at your wife's funeral,that was YOUR decision to make not anyone else's. When I had to go to the funeral home and make the arrangements on what my husband would lay in forever, what he would wear, such things like that I was no where near in the state of mind to make decisions, all I was trying to do was remember everything Joe told me he wanted. At the same time though I still didn't believe I was planning my husbands funeral, at the viewing I kept waiting for him to walk in and apologize because he was late. I think all of us on here have that same feeling you described as feeling useless, I know I do. I feel like I just go through everyday emotions and try to get to the next day. Every day I must remind myself that he isn't running late, he isn't busy at work, he isn't going to come home and hug me like he hasn't seen me in ages. Hope you have a good day today... mrsviden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 You too Mrsviden, you too. Love and peace, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 3, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 I feel so bad I haven't been here much since my eye surgery, I had some computer issues also and am on limited data the next several days. But I'm happy to see you all taking care of each other, Andy you have given such great responses. My heart goes out to all the new fresh losses and everyone struggling here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 25 minutes ago, Andy said: You too Mrsviden, you too. Love and peace, Andy Same to you Andy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 21 minutes ago, KayC said: I feel so bad I haven't been here much since my eye surgery, I had some computer issues also and am on limited data the next several days. But I'm happy to see you all taking care of each other, Andy you have given such great responses. My heart goes out to all the new fresh losses and everyone struggling here. KayC, oh my word many prayers being sent your way on a speedy recovery. Please don't feel bad for not being on here, you just focus on taking care of yourself. I pray you are doing well and we will talk when you're able. --mrsviden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 50 minutes ago, KayC said: I feel so bad I haven't been here much since my eye surgery, I had some computer issues also and am on limited data the next several days. But I'm happy to see you all taking care of each other, Andy you have given such great responses. My heart goes out to all the new fresh losses and everyone struggling here. I'm just going to echo Mrsviden, take care of yourself, get well and we're thinking of and praying for you. Love and rest, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 You know what I miss besides my husband obviously? I miss being able to know what it's like to get a good nights rest or just to feel like I can go to sleep. I'm exhausted but my thoughts keep me up. I miss knowing that I always had a listener, a best friend, soulmate, husband all in one person and that he was available 24/7 365 days a year. I miss when I had a bad dream and I'd wake up and curl up next to him and he'd comfort me until I could fall back asleep(usually in his arms) I don't know about anyone else but I miss that safe feeling I had when I was next to him. Tonight is a night full of just missing all the little things. Sometimes it's those little things that make the missing so much larger. Hoping you guys are having a good night... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AceBasin Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 Mrsviden, this may be duplicative of things I have posted already, but I will pass along some information my physician gave to me. He made a point of coming to my house and spending several hours with me after my wife's death. Like most doctors now, he is very concerned about no sleep or interrupted sleep. He gave me several prescriptions for mild and non addictive sleep aids and told me that the risk of a bad night's sleep one night far outweighed the short term use of those sleep aids. He also stressed that there is a 60 to 90 percent risk of death or serious injury for the surviving spouse in the first year after death a spouse, so regular medical visits and paying attention to your health and nutrition is critical. He also said that a 30 minute walk each day could do more for my mood and immune system than any medicine he could give me. He also stressed five fruits and vegetables each day. The loneliness in those quiet moments is terrible. To the extent that you are interested in academic research into the afterlife, Stafford Betty is probably the leading academic researcher in the area, and his recent book may be helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HHFaith Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 4 hours ago, Mrsviden said: You know what I miss besides my husband obviously? I miss being able to know what it's like to get a good nights rest or just to feel like I can go to sleep. I'm exhausted but my thoughts keep me up. I miss knowing that I always had a listener, a best friend, soulmate, husband all in one person and that he was available 24/7 365 days a year. I miss when I had a bad dream and I'd wake up and curl up next to him and he'd comfort me until I could fall back asleep(usually in his arms) I don't know about anyone else but I miss that safe feeling I had when I was next to him. Tonight is a night full of just missing all the little things. Sometimes it's those little things that make the missing so much larger. Hoping you guys are having a good night... Yes I miss a good nights rest. Especially tonight. It's 430am. I didn't fall asleep until 3. I don't want to fall asleep because that means morning will come soon and mornings are the toughest time for me. It amazes me how this grief also has such an effect on you physically, not just emotionally. My sleep is off, my eating is off, and forget exercise. It's a struggle to go for the shortest walk. And my brain is off - lack of focus and concentration and I forget everything. I wish I could at least start to feel better physically. I should be sleeping now!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 8 hours ago, AceBasin said: Mrsviden, this may be duplicative of things I have posted already, but I will pass along some information my physician gave to me. He made a point of coming to my house and spending several hours with me after my wife's death. Like most doctors now, he is very concerned about no sleep or interrupted sleep. He gave me several prescriptions for mild and non addictive sleep aids and told me that the risk of a bad night's sleep one night far outweighed the short term use of those sleep aids. He also stressed that there is a 60 to 90 percent risk of death or serious injury for the surviving spouse in the first year after death a spouse, so regular medical visits and paying attention to your health and nutrition is critical. He also said that a 30 minute walk each day could do more for my mood and immune system than any medicine he could give me. He also stressed five fruits and vegetables each day. The loneliness in those quiet moments is terrible. To the extent that you are interested in academic research into the afterlife, Stafford Betty is probably the leading academic researcher in the area, and his recent book may be helpful. Thank you for your insight sir. I've posted the same thing throughout this forum, and that is, I don't have anyone checking on me, I don't get phone calls/texts anymore, no one drops by to visit, it's just me trying to process all of this on my own. When I speak of my husband, it feels as if I'm talking to myself because people say hmmm, oh, aw, or most of the time nothing at all. This one girl I was speaking to about how much I just miss him, she changed the subject to her and her current relationship, doesn't she realize that is exactly what I miss? And that's also when I'm reminded just how much people don't understand. I don't think it will ever get easier to go on without him, I guess I'll just have to keep trying to make it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrsviden Posted April 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 4 hours ago, HHFaith said: Yes I miss a good nights rest. Especially tonight. It's 430am. I didn't fall asleep until 3. I don't want to fall asleep because that means morning will come soon and mornings are the toughest time for me. It amazes me how this grief also has such an effect on you physically, not just emotionally. My sleep is off, my eating is off, and forget exercise. It's a struggle to go for the shortest walk. And my brain is off - lack of focus and concentration and I forget everything. I wish I could at least start to feel better physically. I should be sleeping now!!! I'm sorry you are experiencing the same thing I am, I'm off too, I want to exercise and get back in shape I just don't have the energy to do it. Working out is something me and my husband loved doing together and to do it without him doesn't feel right. I too, can't remember anything, I think most people just think I'm stupid but they don't realize what an impact grieving has on your body, they think it's just a walk in the park, at first it's like oh my gosh she lost her husband then the next week it's like they don't even care, by the 3rd or 4th week you should be over it by now. Physically I feel as if ive got a weighted vest and I'm just dragging it everywhere, emotionally I'm exhausted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 4, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 Exercise is the one gift we can give to ourselves that keeps on giving. It needn't be joining a gym or spending an hour a day on it, it can be as simple as a regular walk. I've been walking my dog twice a day for years. It gets you out of the house, helps you experience your senses, sight, sound, smell. And best of all, it leaves you with more energy and endorphins...something we can all use. I have never felt the same way sleeping alone as I did when George held me...we slept all entangled with each other, and it was the most snug feeling in the world. I think it's good to get sleep aids from our doctor if we need them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 Sleep. Yes, sleep deprivation is one of, if not the, biggest physical side effect I've had. It hasn't been good for about a decade, but now it's just a mess. It's 1:50 am and I'm wide awake. I have to "get up" for work at around 5 am. And tomorrow the big news story is the very favorable tornado conditions, strong winds, heavy rain and hail. Put my hour commute on top of my zero sleep and sounds like a recipe for disaster. I fully understand the need and benifits of good, sound sleep, I just can't seem to catch any. I use otc sleep aids, they work for about 2-3 hours, my mind won't shut off. I'm constantly thinking about everything, worrying about everything, tossing and turning. My wife's absence has just sent what sleep I had into a pile of ash. Yes, sleep is so very important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 5, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 Andy, I'm sorry you're going through stormy conditions on top of it. I used to commute 100 miles a day before I retired, I don't miss it any. Especially in adverse weather/road conditions. And I know too well the doing it on lack of sleep. Be safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted April 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 Andy, Hope you have a *safe* day with weather conditions that can turn bad for driving. I agree about the sleep issues. I use otc sleep aids and manage 1 or 2 hours. I don't have a job to go to, but I guess I'm handling daily life alright. I'm on the fence about going to the doctor for different sleep aids. Too many people have given me their versions of how the drugs have made them feel with side effects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 11 hours ago, Andy said: Sleep. Yes, sleep deprivation is one of, if not the, biggest physical side effect I've had. It hasn't been good for about a decade, but now it's just a mess. It's 1:50 am and I'm wide awake. I have to "get up" for work at around 5 am. And tomorrow the big news story is the very favorable tornado conditions, strong winds, heavy rain and hail. Put my hour commute on top of my zero sleep and sounds like a recipe for disaster. I fully understand the need and benefits of good, sound sleep, I just can't seem to catch any. I use otc sleep aids, they work for about 2-3 hours, my mind won't shut off. I'm constantly thinking about everything, worrying about everything, tossing and turning. My wife's absence has just sent what sleep I had into a pile of ash. Yes, sleep is so very important. You know the importance of sleep, and sleep deficiency is linked to an increased risk of heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke. Most people are aware of the importance, but as a society, we don't always do what is good for us in this area. We are chronically sleep deprived and some of us (as strange as it may sound) is proud of the fact. It indicates a life on the go and total dedication to our work. If we are true to ourselves, we must balance our brain for optimal performance - which means taking seriously time in, down time, and most importantly, sleep time. Some would say a good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything. Enough sleep is just as important for good health as nutrition and exercise. Please, make it your priority to get that sleep, it is the most productive thing one can do for themselves and to themselves. Since this post 11 hours after yours, I'm hoping the ride to work wasn't too bad with the weather conditions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 Francine, thank you for the concern, I sincerely appreciate it. My sleep problems started years ago when our adoption started to go south, a sort of remnant anxiety, but of course it's been worse after my wife passed. Part of my issue lies with worry over my daughter. Now that death has proven to me that it comes whenever it damn well pleases, I have an elevated sense of concern over my daughters wellbeing. She works primarily in the evening, her classes are in the evening and she likes to run, you guessed it, in the evening, so until she's home, I worry. I actually stayed home today, opted to miss out on the storms. It was really bad just south of us, maybe 10 miles, and a third round is set for this evening. All the schools in this and about 4 surrounding counties were closed along with any colleges or non essential government offices. Some could argue that's all of them, but I digress. I didn't want to risk life and limb over a job. Your concern is sweet and touching, thank you Francine. Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 I know and feel your concern about your daughter; I feel the same about my son who works sometimes in the evening. You might think that for a guy, one might not be so concerned; he is our only son, and after losing my Charles, that mother's worry just kicks in automatically. Glad I don't have to worry about working any longer - God I love being retired and, guess what?, never looked back. Weather here is just as bad; pretty cold (for April) rain is constant all day, dreary; and would you believe, snow is forecasted for tomorrow - but then, 71 degrees for Saturday - talk about a roller coaster weather ride - what I would call pneumonia weather. I welcome the gloomy weather- guess it's where my heart is - gloomy and sad. Sorry, didn't want to put a bummer on your day, but guess that's where I am now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 6, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2017 You didn't dampen my day or my mood, quite the opposite in fact. It's true how our anxieties tend to magnify after something like this. Also how some things I thought were important are no longer worth thinking about. My wife worried constantly about our little girl, being a mom. Now, I guess I've taken up her worry too. Snow? That's incredible, it was near 88 here yesterday, tornados Monday and today, colder the next few days, then hot again. And you'll get snow. My uncle in NC said they are expecting snow in the next day or so. Just incredible, pneumonia is right. Not crazy about gloomy skies, give me blue skies, white clouds, dark thunder clouds, green grass and trees. No grey skies though. My mood is grey enough, Be safe and comfort to you, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 6, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 6, 2017 I have snow coming this weekend and the Baja I borrowed from my son because my truck's head gasket blew, just quit also. I hope I don't get much, you too Francine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 7, 2017 I feel you - when things go wrong, they go wrong but what's going right is us being here for one another. Thanks Guys - you are all awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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