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Watching you go through this reminds me why I always hated dating.  I hope someday you get what you are looking for, someone to enjoy friendship and company with.  To so many it is merely a means to an end.  I guess when they drop you abruptly like that at least you know you're looking for something different and can continue on your journey.  Good luck with it!

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   On 5/6/2017 at 10:11 PM,  Donna7431 said: 

Have you lost weight through all this? Have you noticed yourself walking excessively slowly from room to room? 

Hi donna, Yes I have lost weight 45 lbs (I'm now 188lbs at 5'11") and the spare tire I carried for many years is now gone. I just all but stopped eating, never stepped foot in a gym. I do find my self walking in circles in the house ( living room-hallway-game room-kitchen-living room) again and again. I so wanted to go into the next room and see her in the chair or cooking in the kitchen or playing pool. I think it brings back memories. I have been warned about loosing weight, in some cases it not only sign of depression but can lead to health problems. I have a main thread "Autocharge my experience " were I speak of many things. I will add this topic to my thread. Thank you for asking the questions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Wow. 27 years ago I was a Registered Nurse placing private nurses in homes of patients. I had placed services for a woman with stage four breast cancer. We cared for her for several months before she passed. I married her husband four months later. To this day I wonder how he was able to date and fall in love so quickly after she passed. But it worked. We were married for 26 years. My point is, others truly have no idea if your dating is too soon. Like you, I feel the loneliness. I want to be normal again. If I do a profile for a dating service in time, I doubt anybody but those on this forum will know. please keep us updated on your new normal, what dates were like. I need to hear how life goes on. 

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Getting out of my comfort zone.

 

During the first meetup "Trivia night" for those of you following this thread, their was this lady that caught my eye . I also thought I caught her eyeing me :) . So I found an event she was attending and maid sure I was their also. We did meet and talked quit a bit, so I asked her out for a dinner date. We had dinner last night and it went so well that we extended dinner to TopGolf excursion/contest. During the excitement we got close and kissed. I liked it. I didn't have any panic attacks or thoughts of my wife. I don't know what is happing but I'm looking forward to our next date.

I have posted before that dating might lead to the possibility of being with someone other then my wife for the first time. I have a lot of concerns when it comes to this but I will not speak of them because this is a public forum and I don't want this kind of detail to be read by minors. Some things are not public information.

We haven't made plans for the second date yet. Stay tuned.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Autocharge- thank you for your posts. It is very encouraging to read positive posts from those further along the path that are reconciling and progressing, and their experiences. .

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11 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

Autocharge- thank you for your posts. It is very encouraging to read positive posts from those further along the path that are reconciling and progressing, and their experiences. .

AceBasin

I do appreciate your comment. 

I just firmed up the details for our second date this Friday. I remember when second dates were hard to come by. That sounds bad actually.

This is only Lady #6, is 6 a lot or a little? Is it even right to give them numbers, or keep count? How else do I keep them straight for all to fallow? 

As far as progressing I still have other areas that require lots of work(motivation for one). Today I realized what one of my issues are. When I go out to my shop to do projects. After working out their for awhile I get the thought of going back into the house to check in with my wife, to see whats going on or even running the risk of being told to come in for the night. Then reality hits and I remember that she is not here any more and I don't feel like working in the shop any more. So I close up and return to the empty house. 

Autocharge

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Moving Her things

I have talked about this subject in a previous post and how it effected me. It was just brought to my attention that my daughter doesn't like to come home from collage due to the fact that the "House is to clean". Over the past few months I have repainted the inside of the house (gloss white). It is what my wife and I both wanted to do when the kids went off to collage , you know remodel / update the inside of the house. I took it a step further and rearranged the living room, put the tv on the wall updated the stereo and surround sound system, and decluttered. That is were I think I hurt my daughters feelings . I may have decluttered to much for her liking. I did the living room , My bed room , my bath room, my closet , and my office. Noticed how I used the word my in the last sentence. I think this is what bothers my daughter. I haven't talked to her about how hard it was to Remove my wife things from this portion of the house but it had to be done. The timing was right but also just seeing her stuff all day right in front of me was so hard. I still haven't touched her hobby room. Not every thing is gone. I still have pictures up and mementos from our trips. I just think it was to big of a change for my daughter.

Their have been threads on here about "what to do with His/her stuff". I had all ways thought about how it effected the spouse never the family members. Pretty narrow minded of me. So to all that read this take head of moving stuff some times it's not just about how you feel.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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On 5/10/2017 at 1:03 PM, Donna7431 said:

what dates were like. I need to hear how life goes on. 

Well the second date is over and we are all ready talking about date number three. Dose three dates mean I have a "girl friend"? I do have fun when Im out with her. It feels good. It has been so long sense I have felt good.

It feels strange to write this and see my wife's pic on the side of this post.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal ")

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Well date number 3 is over and were talking about seeing each other in a couple of weeks. Life is getting in the way ( planed vacations). So were going to keep in touch and if all goes well we will have date number 4 soon. If I make it to date number 4 I think that qualifies as having a girl friend. Having a girl friend is one thing but now how do I introduce her to my kids and family? Take my kids for instance. I have talked to them about me seeing ladies and the sound supportive of the idea. However I still have concerns on how they will feel when they see me with someone other then their mom. I know it took time for me to reach this point and the emotions that hit me during this process. I don't know of any way to test the waters or prepare them for what they may feel or is it just me again, afraid of the emotions that might come again?

I thought learning how to talk to ladies again was difficult but introducing one to the family may be more difficult.

This grief journey is not just mine, it is my family's most of all. Family is forever.

The only thing that comes to mind is divorced parents have faced similar situations, how do they do it? What were the signs of possible trouble?

Please I look forward to you comments and suggestions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Hi Autocharge.  My only advice would be not to rush into introducing the lady you're seeing to your family.  Personally I'd wait until your children ask to meet her.

All the best.

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There is no rush, no timetable, you don't have to worry about date 5, etc., just enjoy each other's company for a time, perhaps wait until the kids/family are curious and want to meet her, I really wouldn't rush things.  They may be having feelings about all this that they are afraid to express to you, they may not know how to feel or respond.  

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1 hour ago, M88 said:

Hi Autocharge.  My only advice would be not to rush into introducing the lady you're seeing to your family.  Personally I'd wait until your children ask to meet her.

All the best.

Hi M88, I agree with you KayC I'm in no rush but I tend to think ahead. Waiting until they ask sounds reasonable. Even the lady has said its ok to take things slow(witch is good because it leads me to think that she is understanding of the situation). I just don't want anyone to feel like I'm hiding the fact that I'm dating. 

 

13 minutes ago, KayC said:

  They may be having feelings about all this that they are afraid to express to you, they may not know how to feel or respond.  

KayC , That is my greatest concern "They may be having feelings about all this that they are afraid to express to you, they may not know how to feel or respond.  ".

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Autocharge, I respect the path you are on in moving forward. I agree with M88 and KayC"s advice. Your children and family are important and their feedback will matter. Take the new relationship slow. You have the rest of your life. If this new woman is meant to be, it will happen.

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   On 5/13/2017 at 7:55 AM,  Andy said: 

what memories will she have?

Andy, I had special mission in mind when I had the same question as you. I put together a slide show of my wife's life. Pictures starting from just 6 months old till just before the end and the special places that her ashes were released in. By the time I was done I had 480 pictures and 32 minutes of music on this slide show. I posted it to youtube and google for safe keeping along with DVD's in storage and computer backups. I wanted it to be preserved for any grandkids or grate grandkids. I wanted it to live forever . I can only hope I did it right, time will tell. Also this forum carries part of her story, may it also stand the test of time.

Autocharge

 

Cut and past from another thread

adding to the collection of my experience 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Your kids have a different grief than you do and are processing their mom's passing in their own way. Maybe the forum on Grieving.com about "Losing a parent" can provide some insight from other children in the situation of dealing with their surviving parent dating again and the best way to introduce someone new. As we all know, some of the best advice and words of wisdom come from those that know the exact pain we are dealing with. I wish you luck in this decision.

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16 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Your kids have a different grief than you do and are processing their mom's passing in their own way. Maybe the forum on Grieving.com about "Losing a parent" can provide some insight from other children in the situation of dealing with their surviving parent dating again and the best way to introduce someone new. As we all know, some of the best advice and words of wisdom come from those that know the exact pain we are dealing with. I wish you luck in this decision.

Eagle-96, Now that is an idea thanks. I can read and do research on the "Losing a parent" forum. I haven't visited any of the other sections of this forum yet.

This is why I like this forum!!!!!

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Ok I did a lot of reading this morning. Once again I didn't find a "How to" answer but we all ready new this. The majority of the post were negative. Mostly about it being to soon or didn't wait long enough, dishonoring his/her memories, alienating the kids. The list goes on and on. I did feel that most of the post came from late teens to early twenties mostly females. The most pervelant voice of positive reasons came from the moderator of the forum. 

My takeaway :

1   In the process of dating I can't make my children feel alienated.

2   Dont lie about dating, respect family members.

3    I shouldn't bring the girlfriend around on special days mostly family days/events/holidays until after the kids have asked to meet her on some prior day.

4   This is just as hard as self healing. Maybe even more dangerous.

If any one has a suggestion. I will be more then happy to add it to my list of concerns.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Ask your children their opinion but make it very clear that you need them to be straight and not sugarcoat their answers. You should be straight also. Tell them about your reasons for dating and the feelings you are going through in your journey. Again, they don't know your grief as they are not experiencing the loss of a spouse. They are experiencing the loss of a parent and those are two very different kinds of grief. Honesty is the best policy here and will be beneficial in the long run. Listen, I'm not saying it will be an easy conversation but at the very least you will all gain some insight into what you are feeling and how you are coping with this loss. If nothing else, you can hopefully gain a connection in your grief.

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31 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Ask your children their opinion but make it very clear that you need them to be straight and not sugarcoat their answers. You should be straight also. Tell them about your reasons for dating and the feelings you are going through in your journey. Again, they don't know your grief as they are not experiencing the loss of a spouse. They are experiencing the loss of a parent and those are two very different kinds of grief. Honesty is the best policy here and will be beneficial in the long run. Listen, I'm not saying it will be an easy conversation but at the very least you will all gain some insight into what you are feeling and how you are coping with this loss. If nothing else, you can hopefully gain a connection in your grief.

Eagle-96 , I thought your post was straight to the point and I couldn't have said it any better. So I showed my kids your post.

We had our talk. They assured me it was ok, I will have my reservations until that day comes when they see me with another woman. 

For example this may sound strange but we all have our "assigned seating " on the couch in the living room. A couch for four, with one empty set now. No one sets their now because it was my wife's spot. What am I to do if I had a girlfriend over, make her set on the floor or move my daughter out of her spot. Things like this (her spot at the table) I have questions about. Things like this Im trying to figure out. Things likes this could bring back the emotions.

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Great answer.  Perhaps buy a round table too!  I'm glad you've talked with your kids and have their support. 

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Eagle,

That was a great idea, I like that Autocharge went there and read and took some things away to consider.  That's why it's good we all have each other!

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10 hours ago, Autocharge said:

During our talk the kids laughed and said I could get a new couch. lol

I like that!  You have great kids, not only a good sense of humor, but also problem solvers!

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The Talk

Yes I have good kids but I worry about them all the time. The loss of my wife / their mom was hard on all of us. During our road trip to Mount Rushmore my son was such a big help with all the equipment it took to support my wife. Loading unloading setting up and reloading every time we stopped some place. My daughter was so attentive to her mom during the hours spent driving all the way from Texas and not least was my wife's mom for with out her I wouldn't have even attempted to make the trip. It was our last vacation we took as a family.

sorry post when in a different direction then I wanted.

Yes I have good kids... And I all ready have a almost round table. lol

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

20170517_071047_resized.jpg

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The Road Trip
 
The road trip was from Texas to mount Rushmore and some other scheduled places like yellow stone. It started off in a van we had bought( ford E150 handicapped equipped van). My son and I made some modifications to the inside ( added a fold down removable bed for my wife) and a spot for the ice chest between the seats. We hooked up to the trailer, loaded the equipment and luggage and we were set.
 First stop Palo Duro Canyons in Texas. Second stop cadillac ranch. You know the place were several Cadillacs are buried nose down in the ground. Third stop Garden of the Gods in Colorado. Then ended day one at some friends house in colorado.
 
 Spent day two with friends , problem was that my wife’s O2 level was dropping due to the high altitude even though we had her on an oxygen machine. 
 
Day three we loaded up early and got out of Denver hoping her O2 level would increases. While getting gas in Denver I noticed that the back bumper was having problems with the trailer. It was being pulled off literally, I thought maybe that was it and it wouldn’t get any worse( a weld had started to brake). We made it to nowhere Wyoming when getting gas again I saw that the bumper was almost off now. So it was time to try and get it repaired. I found a welder at the local feed store, he worked for the COOP (CO OP) but he was unable to do a satisfactory repair weld to the bumper. The van had a 2 inch receiver on it but to my surprise it was just for looks and had never been installed properly. So we found a hotel and ordered a tow hitch for the van to be delivered first thing in the morning. It was cold in Colorado so at the request of everyone I turned on the heater. What we didn’t know until we got to the hotel was that my wife had suffered a burn on her leg from the heater(a bad one). She was paralyzed from her cancer and couldn’t feel any thing from the chest down. We all felt so bad. She didn’t want us to take her to the hospital because if we did they wouldn’t let her out because of her worsening condition. Her O2 level was not coming back up and other things were getting worse.
 
Day four early in the morning my son and I installed the tow hitch and had the welder do his thing for add security. By 10am we were back on the road for about an hour when we had a flat. The tires looked brand new good tread. But they were over 8 years old. So again in the middle of nowhere I found 4 new tires and we were on the road again. We made it to Custer South Dakota. My wife was not doing well, she had started to run a low grade fever by now.
 
Day five We loaded up and went to the Crazy horse memorial then Mount Rushmore and saw some friends in the area and  also drove through the Black Lands wild life refugee . Seeing lots of buffalo. While at Mount Rushmore my mother in-law said to me “Mission accomplished “. I knew what that meant.
 
Day six Early morning my wife was even worse now. She wanted to continue the road trip she did not want it to end (the vacation, the all of us being together ). I made one of the hardest decisions of my life that day. I knew she was close to the end and I didn’t want the family to go through her dying on a road trip. So I turned the van around and drove straight through to home in Texas. The hardest drive I have ever done no one was happy any more.
 
She didn’t last long once we got home it was less then a week.
 
Autocharge
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Autocharge, I was just reading about your road trip and the tears are running down.  The last vacation for your wife and family must have brought tears but also wonderful memories to cherish and look back on from time to time. You and your family gave your wife a wonderful gift of togetherness with that trip. You were a true soulmate to her and she gave you wonderful, caring, compassionate children. Your co-parenting skills are an act of love which they will carry into their own eventual marriages and teach their children.   You and your wife were truly blessed in finding each other in this life. The legacy of your love, togetherness will get passed down.       

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I just looked at the calendar . I knew the one year mark was coming up but I hadn't given much thought about this week. This time last year was the Road Trip.

Autocharge

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Autocharge, I'm sorry. I imagine painful memories for you this week. Don't you find that time in itself, how it comes and goes, is surreal? Sorry, I cannot think of the words I would like to use to relay my thoughts about time. A year ago this week, my husband was also still here. We were enjoying this same week outdoors enjoying the warm weather. I would keep a calendar from every year with a lot of things jotted down so as not to forget. Time can be so relative when thinking on the past or even of the future.

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Time

It stands still for no-one. It compress it stretches it looks like it stands still to the observer but in reality it is moving however so slowly, it races by at the blink of an eye or  a hart beat. Time it is the enemy that takes from us so much ,it is the friend that helps us move on and heal. Time what do we do with it, what dos it do to us? Time good or bad it is up to us how we spend our time.

34 minutes ago, KMB said:

Don't you find that time in itself, how it comes and goes, is surreal? Sorry, I cannot think of the words

KMB, 

I tried to put it in to words.

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46 minutes ago, KMB said:

Autocharge, I'm sorry. I imagine painful memories for you this week. Don't you find that time in itself, how it comes and goes, is surreal? Sorry, I cannot think of the words I would like to use to relay my thoughts about time. A year ago this week, my husband was also still here. We were enjoying this same week outdoors enjoying the warm weather. I would keep a calendar from every year with a lot of things jotted down so as not to forget. Time can be so relative when thinking on the past or even of the future.

I find myself scrolling through TV shows and on my satellite service it gives the original air date. Prior to April 1st I used to look for the dates and say to myself that "We were dating then", or "We were married and buying our house then". Now I just obsessively look at the dates and try to find ones when she was still here. Looking for a time when I was still happy. I think we all do it just in different ways. 

 

Autocharge, I'll be thinking about you this week as I know it's hard knowing that one year ago you were on that final vacation. Try to hold fast to the good memories from that time.

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Autocharge,

Thinking of you as you go through these painful memories.  I'm sorry, I wish none of us had to go through this.

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   On 5/20/2017 at 3:58 PM,  Autocharge said: 

Abeck0486, Have you taken the time to read my post "Autocharge my experience " or others. I am almost a year now (May 25 2016). In my post you will find I have pushed myself through the grieving  process. Some others on here have been helping me and have been their when I have had set backs. I post hoping to answer question such as yours. It is my experience and may not be advisable for others to try and fallow but you should be able to learn from my posting. I will soon be posting about how I am doing / feeling at the one year mark. stay tuned.

Autocharge

Eagle-96

"Thoughts and prayers to you as this week is your one year anniversary. Hoping that you find the strength you'll need this Thursday."

copied to this thread

I didn't want to take over another users thread.

Autocharge

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On 5/17/2017 at 11:50 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I'll be thinking about you this week

Eagle-96, Thanks

I just got back from my nephews graduation( High School). It was a 10 hour drive both ways(Texas to Illinois ). Now Im washing and repacking for my trip to Idaho. At least Im flying on this one. Leave on Wednesday so that I can be with my wife's sister on the one year anniversary of her passing. I have lots to talk about and to express, maybe later or after I get back or both not sure yet. side note the view count on this thread is going to it 2000. I never thought it would get that high. Thanks everyone.

Autocharge    

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The nephews graduation
 
After a 10 hour drive everyone ( my daughter ,son, and parents) was talking and it was brought to my attention (by my daughter) that I had failed to get a card for graduation. My daughter pointed out that mom had always handled this part and I had the social skills of a rock. In part I agree with her and yes I have for 22 years relied on my wife to take care of such matters( I could not keep up with her in this area by no means). Then at the front desk my dad lets it be known that Im single and live at home alone(he was joking around with the clerks and meant nothing by it).
 So after that one two punch I went and saw my brother and his wife. She is a lot like my wife , short with blond hair, blue eyes and they have been asked if they were sisters when seen together. That was the third punch so needless to say it was a hard day and I kept it to my self.
It was a hard 4 days, kids were kids and adults were in pairs except for me. They all wanted to see Trish(my wife) every time they looked my way or talked to me. After 22 years she is as much of the family as I am their is no difference. I do under stand their discomfort when around me but their is nothing any of us can do about it.
 I was their but I wanted to be home alone. 
One of these day I will have a girlfriend and their will be a family gathering. What a day that will be, will I and/or them be ready? This moving on is not just me but also my family and everyone that knew us. I do believe It starts with me and then I will worry about everyone else later. In this grieving process someone once said "put your self first” . I think it came from this forum some were, I now understand what they were saying.
 
Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)
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Hi there... long post but thank you for directing me to take a look. So... shortly after my guy lost his girlfriend, a friend told him he would find someone new. His reply, I don't want to meet someone new. Fast forward, I'm not "new" we'd actually been acquaintances for over 10 years. I was just far enough removed from the situation to not be aware when we'd bumped into one another and made plans to catch up. He wanted to spend time with someone not acutely involved or aware so he could avoid the "I'm so sorrys" and that "look". Hed even asked someone out a few weeks prior. Lucky for me he'd cancelled last minute out of fear. I've been to a few family gatherings now. It's way easier than I thought.  The love his family has for one another blows me away every time.

My favorite realization about love is that it's not like we are all given 100 pieces and have to divide it out and even take some away if we want to share it with someone else. If you find yourself loving another down the road, I'm sure she'll have some of the same fears that I've had but still see the unadulterated beauty in being on the receiving end of love from someone who lost so much but still chose to love again.

Another thought jumped in my mind while typing... you'd mentioned not being spiritual.  Maybe this is completely off base but have you ever read the book "Contact"? It was also made into a movie with Jodi Foster and Matthew McConnahey (sp) Its one of the better book-to-film attempts IMHO... 

Ok, tired me is playing mental hopscotch so thank you for directing me over... sending light and love this week and whenever needed!

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8 hours ago, LEB80 said:

Lucky for me he'd cancelled last minute out of fear.

LEB80,  Thanks for the post. Im glad you got something out of this thread. Thats one of the things I want it to do for people.

As you put it the "fear" , I know all to well and tried to document it. Words can only do so much.

8 hours ago, LEB80 said:

If you find yourself loving another down the road, I'm sure she'll have some of the same fears that I've had but still see the unadulterated beauty in being on the receiving end of love from someone who lost so much but still chose to love again.

This says a lot.  I think the people on this forum have experienced pure unadulterated LOVE. I and others need and want this love again for we feel as if it has been taken from us.

Autocharge

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Autocharge, As humans needing natural social interaction, I respect those who are able to find love again. We require physical closeness, the intimate sharing of our souls with another person. Personally, I have no interest in dating. I am still in the process of figuring out who I am without my husband. I feel that I just want to get it out there that we didn't lose that love we had with our crossed over loved one. It wasn't taken away. The physical person is gone, but love never dies. You have a spiritual connection to your wife. The connection is the love bond and it will always be there.

I respect your journey in moving forward in your life and you obviously feel a need to share your life with another partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I wish you well in your search for another life partner. I have been thinking of you as I know this is your 1 year mark this week. You are an inspiration to others that life does move forward and we can too.

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10 hours ago, LEB80 said:

My favorite realization about love is that it's not like we are all given 100 pieces and have to divide it out and even take some away if we want to share it with someone else.

That's pretty noteworthy!  Like when we have kids, we love our first one but when we have a second one, they create their own place in our heart, it takes nothing from the first one.

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The one year mark.
 
First thing I did this morning was watch the slide show that I had produced earlier this year, I cried . I thought of what a beautiful life she had even though it was to short. I cried for the loss of what could have been. So many years lost. I then decided to shear an amazing life captured by photos, with the people on this forum. I’m trying to get to that point were I can look back and be happy not sad(I still have work to do). I then pulled myself together and got out of bed(first and best piece of advise I ever received).
 
I spent day with my sister in law  and son in Idaho. We went to a local lake and placed two roses in the water, my wife’s favorite colors. My sister in law weeped and I held it together, I don’t know how or why. I took some photos and video of the activity.
 
I spent the afternoon writing this post and uploading the slid show.
 
Autocharge(moving forward “new normal”)
 
My Loss , An amazing Life
Slide show 480 pics 32 min
I don’t know how long I will leave this link active.
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Thank you for sharing that with us, it had to be an emotional day.  I'm glad you weren't alone.  I remember my one year mark all too well, I felt I deserved a medal for surviving the "year of firsts without...".

 

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17 hours ago, Autocharge said:
The one year mark.
 
First thing I did this morning was watch the slide show that I had produced earlier this year, I cried . I thought of what a beautiful life she had even though it was to short. I cried for the loss of what could have been. So many years lost. I then decided to shear an amazing life captured by photos, with the people on this forum. I’m trying to get to that point were I can look back and be happy not sad(I still have work to do). I then pulled myself together and got out of bed(first and best piece of advise I ever received).
 
I spent day with my sister in law  and son in Idaho. We went to a local lake and placed two roses in the water, my wife’s favorite colors. My sister in law weeped and I held it together, I don’t know how or why. I took some photos and video of the activity.
 
I spent the afternoon writing this post and uploading the slid show.
 
Autocharge(moving forward “new normal”)
 
My Loss , An amazing Life
Slide show 480 pics 32 min
I don’t know how long I will leave this link active.

That was beautiful. I try to stay away from platitudes but I'm gonna say it anyway. I think she would have been proud of that tribute. Well done sir. 

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

That was beautiful.

 

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Well done sir. 

Thank you.

1 hour ago, KMB said:

A life well lived!

KMB, Below are my thoughts when  I read "A life well lived!". I picked up on how you used the pasttense "lived" . For when my wife passed I also lost our world. The world we created together. 

There is a saying attributed to Alexander the Great “He wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer”. This is how I feel at times. Now that I have moved in to retirement with out my wife. Even returning to work to what ends, nothing makes sense anymore. Like I’v said before I’v lost my purpose , my motivation. Add to it I’m now fighting Grief and loneliness. What new world lies before me? The unknown and the fear that comes with it. I will face this fear for I have no choice. No retreat no surrender. Autocharge.(I would have never thought I would be using my gamer tag in such away. I have used “autocharge” for 17 years now. It describes my personality to a T.)

When I look at my postings before this week and compare them to this week. I can see were this week (the one year mark) has been rough. Reader be warned.

 

Autocharge(moving forward"new normal")

Thanks to all who have commented.

 

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Autocharge,

I like the quote 

11 hours ago, Autocharge said:

There is a saying attributed to Alexander the Great “He wept, for there were no more worlds to conqu

This morning this was shared on my other grief site, and I want to share it here.  There comes a time for us to find new purpose, we do not usually just stumble upon it, but it can take effort to create it within our lives.  Right now there is so much work in just processing all of the changes in your life, all in due time.

I am writing to you from eleven years post-loss.

Eleven years of growing, writing, becoming and witnessing what showed up on my path here.

At first, the witnessing was just for me so I could re-enter but around year four or five it became ‘witnessing for you’ so I could help you re-enter.

These letters I write to you every week are from the future and they are sent back to you so you could find your way.

This specific letter is about helping you have patience and persistence as you go forth.

This journey is long my darling and I wish it wasn’t.

Not only for your healing but for the new life you want for yourself.

I hear your life calling you from so far away.

And sometimes it is hard to hear it.

But the voice will get louder and you will be able to hear it every single day.

You must know this.

You mustn’t give up.

Read on here >>>

 

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12 minutes ago, KayC said:

This morning this was shared on my other grief site, and I want to share it here.  There comes a time for us to find new purpose, we do not usually just stumble upon it, but it can take effort to create it within our lives.  Right now there is so much work in just processing all of the changes in your life, all in due time.

KayC, Thanks

I read it. My first thoughts are of fear, is it really gone take 11 years. Why can't I speed it up, feel normal again (loved and not by family members). At the end it says find were you are at . I think I may be at "In year three you will start to breathe again, not as often as you would like but enough to know it is possible to have something good in your life again.". Then I think wow this is a hard row to hoe. I keep saying to my self " don't make any stupid decisions". I wish I knew what a stupid decision was so I could avoid it..

Autocharge

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Autocharge, I too, just read Kayc's post. It is an informative blog written by a fellow griever. I am not to my 1 year mark yet. I know that I will get there but I choose to go day by day. Everyone's grief journey is unique. 11 years is a long time down the road. Try not to think about the timing. It is different for everyone.

I am interested in your drive to push yourself through this process.

2 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I think I may be at "In year three you will start to breathe again,

It has only been a year and you feel yourself at year 3, by someone else,s year 3, who obviously had to get through the first 2 years. I guess I just need to know your perspective with wanting to rush yourself through what is normally a long, involved process. Maybe it is your own personality that drives you? Maybe it is the fear of loneliness that you wish to bypass?

 

2 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I keep saying to my self " don't make any stupid decisions". I wish I knew what a stupid decision was so I could avoid it..

We are human beings with many flaws. Making a decision that has a negative effect is how we learn lessons. We are not perfect, even though I know people who think they are. That is their own ego that thinks that way. If we were *perfect*, we would not be in this life enduring the things we are. No matter how well we think a decision through, there is a 50/50 chance of it turning positive or negative.

Just putting my thoughts on your post out there. Your words gave me pause for thought and that is a positive deal. 

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4 minutes ago, KMB said:

50/50 chance of it turning positive or negative.

I don't believe in these odds. With enough fore thought and experience / wisdom , I would like the odds to be around 90 to 95 % good decisions.

8 minutes ago, KMB said:

Maybe it is your own personality that drives you? Maybe it is the fear of loneliness that you wish to bypass?

Your right about my personality, Im a type A introvert. Im a results driven type person and I like answers NOW.

I feel the loneliness now, believe me. Their is no bypassing it. I don't like being told I can't do something or something can't be done(time and time again I have proven people wrong in the line of work). This grieving is new to me and I see that I am applying the same work ethics towards this process. Good or Bad.

Autocharge

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Autocharge, again I'd like to thank you for your positive action centered updates for someone a year out. 

Every expert I have talked with says that most people are considerably improved after a year. All added that it is not just passage of time but passage of time plus the expenditure of the correct type of effort that help. While very few get back to 100% pre loss, if there are not significant gains by the end of a year, doctors start (or may have even started earlier) being concerned about "persistent complex bereavement disorder."

They are also concerned about the co-existence of a depressive disorder or underlying physical problems. My guess is that for someone very symptomatic at the three or eleven year mark there should be a very thick medical file. 

It looks as if you are reconciling with your loss and taking positive actions which is what all recommend. Please continue to update us.

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17 hours ago, Autocharge said:

KayC, Thanks

I read it. My first thoughts are of fear, is it really gone take 11 years. Why can't I speed it up, feel normal again (loved and not by family members). At the end it says find were you are at . I think I may be at "In year three you will start to breathe again, not as often as you would like but enough to know it is possible to have something good in your life again.". Then I think wow this is a hard row to hoe. I keep saying to my self " don't make any stupid decisions". I wish I knew what a stupid decision was so I could avoid it..

Autocharge

I did what I all ways do, I analyzed her blog.

Where I use the word Topic: I suggest you read the blog. to fill in the gaps of my cut and past.

  • "Christina’s story"  She has a 7 year old blog and wrights about a 11 year process. My calculations her loss 2006, 2years grieving,  meet future husband , 2 + married,  Start blog. She was married before she started the blog(marriage 2010 , blog start December 2010). She is a professional grief counselor before experiencing her loss. Her loss inspired her to start her own company dealing with grief. She specializes in starting over , Life after Loss. 

  • April 5, 2011 

I planned a party for all of my friends who were with me during the previous two years when I had become absent. I wanted to thank them and invite them back into my life and our friendship.

 A couple of months after that Christmas day, I met my future husband, and my heart started beating a little faster again. If I hadn’t taken the steps of rebuilding my own life, reclaiming what was always mine and getting to know the stronger me, I would not have been in a position to receive his love.

There has to be a change of focus in the grieving culture, where we are encouraged to see that time does not have to stand still and grief does not have to take forever. We need to remove the shame of moving on and replace it with acknowledgement, strength and hope.

The Doubled Edged Sword

  • December 6, 2010
  • First blog post.
  •  
  • Topic:Christina’s story of loss and rebirth..
  •  
  • Through trial and error, I took certain steps, some of them bold I have to say, and got my life not only back on track but ‘living the life of my dreams’.
  • Topic:Pulling back the curtain…

  • August 3, 2011 

  • Well during the last few years, I experienced things that have absolutely transformed me as a person, as a professional and as a rebellious ‘Life Starter’. 

  • Topic:Some tough love…

  • August 6, 2011
  • Remember your past, but don’t live in it.
  • Topic:My Second Firsts!

  • August 27, 2011
  • Topic:Second Firsts Love 
  • February 14, 2013
  • August 22, 2014
  • I have been married for 4 years and my relationship with Eric is not even inside a room.
  • Topic:Get a New Toothpaste!

  • October 3, 2014

  • Holding on to your history does not allow you to grab on to your present moment.
  • “They die quickly. They don’t last long, but I suppose that doesn’t matter. They’re even beautiful when they’re gone.”
  • Do Not Attach Your Worthiness to the Person You Are Married To
  •  
  • January 23, 2015
  • It has been close to 9 years since his passing and I am still finding out what happened to me.Something happened after he died that disabled my relationship skills in some ways.
  •  
  • March 25, 2016 she is remarried 43 years old 
  • PHASE 1: THE ‘I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN’ PHASE
  • PHASE 2: THE FEAR PHASE
  • PHASE 3: ONLY ANGELS ALLOWED
  •  So here it goes: I cannot allow you to date or become friends with people who are not the kindest people you have ever met. That’s right they have to be so kind that you wonder if they are angels.
  • If you have experienced a tragedy, a loss that has destroyed you, please never let someone in who does not make you feel like the most important person in the world.
  • PHASE 4: IT WILL NEVER BE LIKE IT WAS
  • PHASE 5: INDEPENDENCE
  • We are no longer who we used to be. We no longer love the same. And that’s ok. As long as we find our way out of fear, and into loving the angels we brought into our lives after loss, then that’s more than enough.
  •  
  • Life after loss is not easy but it is the closest you will ever get to the real you. It is the closest you will ever get to trusting yourself. And it is the closest you will ever get to helping others find their way. That’s right when we heal after loss we become the kindest most giving human beings on earth.
  •  
  • loss can be very isolating. And the longer we wait to reemerge the harder it is to remove the isolation that takes place.
  • It is vital for your heart to learn how to re-engage with other human beings after loss. 
  •  
  • This is just an analyses. 

Autocharge

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On 5/27/2017 at 5:35 AM, Autocharge said:

My first thoughts are of fear, is it really gone take 11 years. Why can't I speed it up, feel normal again

The point isn't that it takes 11 years, most of my processing of my grief took about three years, but I didn't start working on finding my purpose, creating a life for myself, etc. until I retired and had the time to do so...before that I had my hands full working full time, commuting a long commute, and just keeping up everything around the place, in addition to volunteering.  Once I had all this time on my hands, I had to begin to plan how I'm going to do this, I began working on self care and finding balance in my life.  Everyone's timetable is different!  This was someone else writing about HER experience!

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