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The Cruise part II

 

I have been procrastinating  when it comes to packing for this cruise not just packing but also buying clothes taking care of the animals notifying the family and neighbors, just about every aspect of getting ready really. I know I’m suppose to go and have fun but right now I don’t know if I can. It feels as if a big part of me is not going. If I wasn’t out the money all ready I think I would have canceled. I don’t know if i’ll have internet or not while on the cruise so I may or may not be able to post for the next 7 to 10 days. ( moving forward “new normal”) I wished it was easier.

 

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I've heard they usually have internet, not sure what you have to pay for it though.  Keep preparing and I hope you do enjoy it.  Remember, you're doing this for the both of you since she didn't get to.

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The cruise it’s over.
I added two countries to my list and gained 10 lbs. I ate all kinds of food and deserts(Sea turtle , clams, snails, lobster, muscles,mahi mani, aux tung, and more). It was a cruise for families and couples, they were everywhere and I was alone. This I didn’t expect. They had an hour at 11pm for singles to meet at a certain bar, so I went. Their were three guys and no ladies then one showed up and sat down beside me!! So we started talking and she asked if I was divorced. I responded without hesitation I was widowed. Then it happened like a switch had been flipped, she said “ I’m so sorry” and here comes the petty and the questions along with all the answers and emotions. Then she says she has a "boyfriend "(but she came to a single bar) and says goodby. What do they expect when you get asked 20 questions about the love of your life? Do they decide wether or not they can compete or not, if their is any room left in my hart , am I ready to move on? what is it that they see or feel that I don’t get?
I did see live shows and music everyday, they were quite good. Im used to spending more time in port like 4 to 5 days at a time not the 6 to 8 hours that this type of cruise offers. That is the only complaint I have. Will I do another one? I don’t know.
When I returned home it felt good to be home(returning home has always felt good staying home is hard). I wasn’t home long (almost instantly) and I could feel that she(my wife) wasn’t their but yet she was. How can this be, and will it be this way forever?
Rant over
 
Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)
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Autocharge, Sounds like your cruise experience turned out decent. You got away from home, enjoyed the shows, music and the food. It was a big step in moving forward.It provided a break from the grieving, which we all need now and then. A change of atmosphere, scenery, activities, people, does a world of good. There are still plenty of things to experience and enjoy in this life. I'm betting your wife's spirit was enjoying it all right by your side.

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I agree, it sounds like a great experience.  It's hard getting used to doing things alone but you should be proud of yourself, you moved past your comfort zone and did it!  As for the girl in the single bar, God only knows what's with her!  There's all kinds, right?!  

While they aren't physically here any more, yet they continue to be with us, I find that a comfort, even if it is just in my heart and memories rather than with me physically.  I do believe he continues to exist in spirit form.

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Andy----"so the isolation is really challenging to me" a Thread that will become known as the "Grief Train" , what an Idea.

KayC---"moved past your comfort zone and did it!" Yes but Im finding that there is a lot of time in one day and its easy to fall back into the isolation.

KMB---"I'm betting your wife's spirit was enjoying it all right by your side."  Let me start by saying I don't want to offend anyone or get into a debate.

I know many if not most ( I'm sure I'm in the minority opinion ) find comfort in Believing(Faith,spirit). I however by definition am an agnostic. I want to find the same comfort that so many have found(it truly sounds great). Its just with me being an engineer and working on computers and robots all my life I find it extremely difficult to Believe. It dose scare me that only family and friends ( mostly me) carry her memories from here on out. I fear with the passing of time I may forget something and thats the last thing I want to happen. So moving forward with a new normal concerns me greatly. the question is How can this be done? What kind of balance is acceptable?

once again I invite all responses and questions. this is forum and the proper place for discussions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Autocharge, Do not worry, I'm not offended by nor will I question anyone's standards of living. To each their own in this life. Just living day to day is hard enough. Our common bond on this forum is grieving the loss of someone dear and special to us. To befriend each other with care, respect, a listening ear and whatever peace and comfort we can provide.

Maybe on your journey in moving forward, you will find new ways of perceiving life, finding doors of opportunity for peace and fulfillment opening for you.  Take care.

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It is hard to believe that you are almost at the one year mark. Has there been any transition from feeling or identifying as married to feeling single?

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4 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

It is hard to believe that you are almost at the one year mark. Has there been any transition from feeling or identifying as married to feeling single?

AceBasin

I still feel married and love my Wife just as much as I all ways have. I live in our home and feel both her presents and her absents at the same time. I'm sure you have read my post on dating. I'm continuing to go on dates , I even have one tomorrow night. Its getting easier to talk to and meet ladies. I still don't want to bring them into our home. Maybe because it would change the memories that I have of only my Wife being in my home. Dose that make any sense? It felt weird doing taxes filling as widowed, Trying to figure out who my emergency contact is now, filling out forms and looking for widowed and getting emotional when I have to check single(almost angry). Your question is a good one it's making me think. I don't feel single, I still carry her memories with me. That said Im trying to convince myself that it is ok to seek a relationship with a lady but I have a ways to go on this in order to feel good about it. I really want to be happy again Im just trying to figure it out its hard.

It will be one year May 25.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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That has been a tough issue for me. Almost all of my friends are couples. Three have checked in on me this afternoon and evening.

I sure feel married. Until I get to the married couples' functions. I never feel single, and my male divorced friends have interests that I do not have, and never want to have. But, I am starring to feel slightly strange at couples' functions. 

I feel about like the senior in high school whose parents moved across the country during Christmas break of his or her last year of High School. 

My wife repeatedly told me to be happy and remarry and that I would not be happy alone, and gave me specific criteria concerning with whom (general characteristics) I would be happy (and she was right of course if I ever had the desire, which I do not).

 

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AceBasin

I'm trying to figure out were your coming from. I don't mean to pry but If I knew your age and how long its been sense your lost. I might be better able to understand you. I honestly think Age and time makes a difference , when we are grieving.

My Wife and I never had talks like that. We fought and did what was necessary to the end " new normal" is what we called it. I think those kinds of talks would have devastated me. Your Wife and you are right about one thing I think. It is important to be "Happy" at some point in the future.

 

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I am 58 about three months out.  My wife was a very successful very high profile woman.  This is what she told me many, many times: that I must remarry, that I would not be happy unless I remarried, and that she wanted me to remarry and be happy. Each time I would sob and she would say snap out of it. I am not going to list all her requirements on a public forum, but they were mostly that any new wife must like our things and our lifestyle, and be "really, really, good."

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AceBasin

Is that three months from your loss? I did't have time to deal with any family or friends right after my wife passed. I was still working at the time and 5 days after her passing I flew out to California for work and then to Guam, back to California then to Sicily and finally back home just before I retired. It was 6 months before I had to deal with the issues you are talking about. So my situation is a little different, everyone family and friends have moved on and not many check up on me. I am alone in our home most of the time now. I can see that you have the same problem I have. That is that our Wife's have set a very very high bar for others to be compared to.

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Yes, three months ago. I had an active practice, and got thrust into managing all the things she used to handle so well. She was really mad when she saw her name in Forbes.

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AceBasin

Three months is not a lot of time. I know it doesn't feel that way. I do understand about picking up the slack. You see with me traveling I relied on my wife to manage the House and Kids. I had to figure out how to do it all, while on the road so to speak. This included getting all the affairs in order(lawyers, attorneys, accounts). All via Email and mobil address, what a nightmare. I just got 99% of every thing done and its just about a year now(things move slowly sometimes). All I can say is focus on one domino at a time if possible.

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Al of those dominoes, legal, tax  and accounting I have cleared. I do them everyday. It is the transition and relationship issues over the first year I was curious about. My wife managed business assets, and that is under control.

It is just this change from married to single that I find strange. I do have a large network and supportive friends that invite me to many activities and make occasional introductions.

You are right, that three months is not much time. I start support group next month and I could not have done it earlier..

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19 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Its just with me being an engineer and working on computers and robots all my life I find it extremely difficult to Believe.

My son has engineering degrees both in mechanical, electrical, and computer, for robotics.  He believes.

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AceBasin

Good luck with your support group. As you have read my previous post you can see from this point on everything is new. Knocking down those walls (barriers) is difficult, facing fears and emotions at every turn.

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KayC

You must be proud of your son. Both of my kids tried to get their engineering degrees but had trouble with the science. My son will graduate this xmas and my daughter two years later.

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On 4/20/2017 at 10:27 PM, AceBasin said:

It is the transition and relationship issues over the first year I was curious about.

First of all this is my experience that I'm shearing. I'm not an expert or a Dr. in any way.

I made it to a second date with "Lady 5", dinner and movie. We held hands and sheared an arm rest. Thought out the movie "Going in Style" I couldn't help but notice how she laughed at funny scenes. It was more vocal then my wife had ever been. which is ok but different. I didn't get panic attacks while we held hands. It didn't feel as if I was doing something wrong. I liked it. Just the touch of another woman was comforting. I do wish it had been my wife, in thinking about it Im getting sad now. I'm starting to feel like I'm being pulled between to realities the past and the present. I think often what is going to happen on one of these "dates" that some woman is going to want to take it to the next level. I don't know if shearing those thoughts and feelings/emotions on this forum is right or wrong. Time will tell. Can I build another relationship similar to the one I had with my wife? Can it even get close? Theses are my questions now....

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal") 

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Autocharge, I have been sitting here reading posts and have been debating on replying to yours. I understand about you wanting to move forward. We are given no choice in the fact that life itself is constantly moving forward and we have to go along with it or forever be hovering in our current state of grieving.

I was curious about what you are saying about building a relationship with another that is similar to the one you had with your wife. Your wife was a unique person and you loved, respected and admired her for her own qualities. Another woman is also going to be unique and I wouldn't think it fair if you were looking for someone just like your wife. You could be looking forever, your wife was one of a kind, and your self esteem would be constantly taking hits. I respect you for getting yourself back out there socially and dating. Loneliness is a catalyst for that action, I understand it.  I was curious if this is something you really want to do or if you feel that you need to date to prove to yourself that you are moving forward?:

 

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

I was curious if this is something you really want to do or if you feel that you need to date to prove to yourself that you are moving forward?:

You are correct I do want what I have lost. For true love is the most additive thing imaginable. So in one sense I'm a addict. I'm not looking for an equal to my wife for I know there was only one. I'm hoping to get close. So yes the bar is set high. I'm not trying to prove anything to any one even me. I feel the need to not be lonely or isolated. The need to establish a new base and then move forward from their without loosing the past. It's hard to explain even harder to put in to words but with out a new base their is no plan. Without a plan their is no path forward.

Autocharge 

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I agree. Our spouses did set the bar high. At my age though, I have no interest in dating. I know that no one could match up to my husband. No matter how lonely I get, it will always be my husband that I yearn for.  I don't believe in that cliche' that we have more than one soulmate in this life, at least not for me. I don't see how that can be possible when you see how many soulmates are fortunate enough to go into their elderly years together.

Everyone is different in their thoughts and ideas which is how it should be. If we were all alike, this life would be boring and mundane.

I respect your beliefs and thought pattern. You need a base and plans. Structure and organization. I'm still an emotional mess and floundering my way through. A constant work in progress. My path forward is to go with the flow and see where life takes me. It all works out as it is meant to for each of us. I didn't *plan* on meeting my husband. I believe it was destiny putting us together at a time in our lives when we needed each other. My husband and I set our base, our foundation, together. I will continue on with my life by the use of our foundation and keep building on it for my own survival.

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On 4/22/2017 at 11:27 AM, KMB said:

At my age though,

May I ask how old? This is to better understand everyones point of view because were all at different points in our life.

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I will be turning 58 soon. A few weeks after my husband will have been gone for a year. I cannot believe that it is been 8 1/2 months already. Seems just like yesterday we were outside, having laughs and a good time with a friend on his last day. At the same time, it feels like many years since he has been gone. My body and my mind feel like they have aged at least 10 years since his passing. The emotions, stress, has taken its toll.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

 

I will be turning 58 soon

 

My Grandmother was 60 when Grandpa died at 65. She is now 91. The thing that haunts me the most is one time I had set a computer up for email for her. Well it wasn't long she had troubles with it so I went to fix it. I needed her password to get in. It was " Alone " that had a profound effect on me. She never dated anyone. 30 plus years just think about it.

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I am sorry for your Grandmother's loss. Also, for you in losing your Grandfather. Your Grandmother's choice of password tells of her true feeling, her heart.. She lost the love of her life and is choosing to remain loyal and committed until the end. It would be interesting to chat with her and hear what she has to say about her lonely years and how she has gotten through them. I bet she has compassionate, lovely words of insight and wisdom.

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My mom died at 92.  She didn't date either, although she had a couple of marriage proposals...she was alone 32 years after daddy died.

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53 minutes ago, KayC said:

My mom died at 92.  She didn't date either, although she had a couple of marriage proposals...she was alone 32 years after daddy died.

Both You and KMB Have got me started thinking. Was it because of the times, social norms/values. Back then you made your bed and you sleep in it forever so to speak. Are things changing that much in todays society. What is the new expiation , new normal , new acceptable?

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Autocharge, I don't know the answers. I enjoy being a people watcher. I have noticed with the younger generation, there is no appreciation, not much in the way of respect or manners. This society we live in has become much faster paced. Get to the top with very little work ethic. I've seen the younger folks changing relationships like people change their socks. One little bump in the road, they are out looking for greener pastures . Relationships require effort, communication and compromising. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to be a part of this society. It has changed so radically since I was a teen in the 70's. Life back then was no where near what it has become today. I was raised to respect your faith, your parents and the elderly. You worked hard for what you wanted. We were taught manners and to help the less fortunate. To be kind and compassionate because you didn't know what it was like to walk in another's shoes. Life now can be cruel, heartless, violent.

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I think it's more of an individual choice.  I've known others in my mom's age range that handled their widowhood differently than her and remarried.  It's very much an individual personal choice.

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KayC, You are right. What all of us here decide for ourselves on this journey is a personal choice .Another point chalked up to the loneliness chart. I'd rather be making decisions/choices with my husband.

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I don't think I can find Happiness in loneliness? 

I just want to be Happy, is that to much to ask?

So much has been taken from all of us on here.

Sorry sad moment.

 

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I just posted in another thread and thought I would bring it to this thread as it's a part of my experience.

To each their own. I had my wife's ashes separated into glass jars that we painted black(mason jars with the clip lids from dollar general, she would have liked that"favorite  store"). Then I traveled to California ,Guam, Sicily, Florida, Gulf of Mexico to spread her ashes into the "OCEANS" at her request. Her mom even took some to the Philippines. On most of the trips I saw family members in that area as we spread her ashes into the Sea. It took 6 months to accomplish this task and it was worth it.

So what you do with your ashes is for you not everyone else.

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50 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

As you are further along the path than some of us, I really appreciate your posts.

Thank you ( for putting up with my wall of text and typos).

Something funny/unbelievable. After 30 years of working with and on computers, I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO TYPE. I hunt and peck.

The Navy had no interest in teaching me how to wright!!!  LOL

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4 hours ago, Autocharge said:

So what you do with your ashes is for you not everyone else.

Not everywhere. My wife's ashes are burried under a tree at the cemetary as it's illegal here to take the ashes with you or spread them anywhere else. The only other option is a burial at sea, but you cannot just do that yourself either.

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28 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Not everywhere. My wife's ashes are burried under a tree at the cemetary as it's illegal here to take the ashes with you or spread them anywhere else. The only other option is a burial at sea, but you cannot just do that yourself either.

Marcel

It may be so. I however made sure it was fine to fly with them in my luggage or backpack( a simple pice of paper from the funeral home). After that when I was at that special spot on the beach or on a privet boat at sea all I did was make sure I didn't disturb the people in the area and released Her ashes. Call me what you want but I was on a mission and I wasn't going to be stopped.

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Marcel, I am sorry that you were restricted on what should be considered your own business with what you would have liked to do with your wife's ashes. I am fortunate that I could bring my husband home, and at some point in time, when I'm more emotionally stable and at peace with his passing, I will be spreading his ashes around special places on our property. My heart goes out to you.

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Moving Stuff
 
Back in October 2016 just 5 months after my wife pasted, I was repainting the inside of the house (white). I had no problem painting our bed room. I had made changes to the bed ( removed the steal frame, it was to high now). In the process of putting things back together I didn’t put back the Head board. Thats when it hit me. I lost it emotionally, we had that head board sense the very beginning. So I placed it back even though their was no way to support / mount it. It’s still their today. You never know when or what will trigger a wave of emotion. So where am I going with this? Today (hours before the 11 month mark) I moved the picture collage that was made to celebrate her life to another room in the house. I’m doing ok right now maybe because I know it’s still in the house ( her hobby room, which I still haven’t been able to do to much in that room). I was concerned that another wave of emotions would hit but it hasn’t yet. I have read threads on here about “ What do I do with His/Her things” and thought that I should wright about this subject and my experience so far. Little steps, some forward others backward. 
 
 
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On 4/23/2017 at 0:15 PM, KMB said:

I was raised to respect your faith, your parents and the elderly. You worked hard for what you wanted.

We thought our kids this and both are doing great for the most part. Their in what I call the "Spit and Polish" phase of growing up. The things I think about that not only their Mom is going to miss but how their going to miss shearing life with their mom. The possibility of Marriage and grandkids , oh how I wish my would be grandkids could have know their grandmother. That's also a reason I have saved pictures out on google and youtube ( the data will be their forever in one format or the other) and why I post to this forum. Not only are there people here that understand but it is an execelent place for documenting self thought in a public place. A place that hopefully will stand the test of time.

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Ok new topic

Getting out of my comfort zone.

MEETUP.com 

This is going to be my first attempt to going to "meetup.com function". It's Trivia night, it's not like theirs any pressure from going on a date but I am a little apprehensive about meeting 15 new singles at once.

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Getting out of my comfort zone.

MEETUP.COM

OK I'm back. My first thoughts are it was nice. I meet people that were in the same age bracket 40+ . There were 3 guys and 13 ladies. It was pleasant conversation and no-one asked about my late wife. We all sheared a little background info on our selfs through out the evening. The restaurant was hosting  the trivia contest not the group. We played as a table and won second place. I have all ready RSVP ed to two more events. I hope this will fill some of my time now. It's not dating but the chance is their I'm hoping this will turn out to be a good balance between being alone and the scary internet dating sites.

Their are a couple off other groups that I plan on checking out but will not go into details unless encouraged to or I see fit to for some reason. I don't want to be promoting some web sit on this forum. These two post were for informational porpoises only. Each to their own.

 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal") 

 

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I'm glad it was nice!  

Today was to be the last day of our Grief Support Group...none of them wanted it to end, so we will continue.

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The plan
 
   On 4/11/2017 at 5:28 PM,  Llad said: 

we were planning on retirement soon and traveling around the world..

These we our plans too. I'm now retired according to the "plan" but find the "plan" to be empty now, unenjoyable without her. I'm trying hard to kick start the "plan" but I just can't get my leg to moving. Time is passing slowly I can feel it. I do things to get me out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping this will get me to rolling on the "plan". I also feel guilty to have the possibility of enjoying the "plan" without her. We both worked so hard to get to this point in life. Only to get the wind nocked out of our sails.

Autocharge


copy of post to main thread.

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Autocharge, I'm glad you have the availability of meetup activities in your area. They have many outlets for socializing. I joined meetup myself a few months back, at someone's suggestion. I knew I was going to run into a wall, which I did. I live in an isolated country area and the closest meetup activities are 80 or more miles away. Considering travel time, gas, etc., it is not for me. But, I can say I tried.

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wow I thought I was pushing it ( 40 miles one way). One of the problems I'm running into is trying to find a 40 -50 year old retire, ready to travel and have fun. We were way ahead on the game of "life" , were sure to be the winners, then the wheels fall off the little plastic car.

 

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Autocharge

It's bee almost two weeks sense my last post. Part of me wants to post daily just so I could talk to and respond to all of you on here. This forum has done and is doing more for me then I could have ever thought. So what has happened in two weeks? The dating seen: Lady #5 came to the conclusion that I was trying to clear " hurdles " and was not ready for a relation ship ( I so stated in my profile dating only) and has quietly and slowly stopped talking to me. It is the internet and I am now talking with another , soon to meet for dinner. This dating thing is tough. I'm begining to question witch is tougher dating or being alone. Dating dose have its moments. In efforts to keep myself from being board I am thinking about going back to work (over seas). The only problem with that is I know it is me running away from my issues ( yes they will still be here when I come back I know that). As stated before by others the solitude is overwhelming.  My thoughts and feelings: I still miss her everyday and twice on Sunday. The one year mark is almost here, May 25 a day that will be with me forever along with Birthday, wedding, birth of my kids, valentines day, mothers day, so many days. I miss her.

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Autocharge, Thanks for checking in, letting us know how you are doing. We are all works in progress and it is heartening to hear that you are trying to evolve yourself through this painful journey. You keep giving us hope in your own way.

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