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Snake River Wy. “Volunteer River Ranger”3

River Ranger duty is over. I had a Heart attack.

Spent the last day and a half and driving myself back.  I'm disappointed that I didn't get to spend the summer up there, it was much cooler then Texas Heat. On the drive back , I was thinking of Carla she lost her husband of 25 years to a sudden heart attack and now here I am having heart problems again. I can't imagine the hell that I'm putting her through the stress and the sleepless nights. It made me start thinking what if she had got diagnosed with cancer how would I feel, the path that I could see. Is this what she is thinking, the path that she can see. We spend a lot of time trying to put ourselves back together to rebuild a life . Yet it can all disappear so quick again. I can't imagine starting the grief process again. 

What are we to do? Dang if we do and dang if we dont. It’s not fair.

 

 Autocharge( moving forward “new normal”)

 

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OH NO . I had followed this whole thread and was hoping you all would have a great summer up there . I am from Texas originally - born in Waco ( I rarely admit that ) raised in Port Aransas . I hope you are going to be ok ???

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I am so sorry to learn of your heart attack!  I pray it wasn't too damaging and hope that it was merely your body's plea for attention needed to your own health.  You can do this.  My close friend Jim has CHF and it has been life changing to say the least, but he is doing it.  He's come very close to death a couple of times and I can assure you I wasn't ready to let him go!  But with love comes risk...risk that we could lose them at any time.  But what life would be worth anything without putting all your cards on it?!  Don't give the thought of loss another waste of your time, determine to fight for what you have and live to the fullest!  Yes life hurls scares at us, but you and Carla have a life worth living so put all your energy into doing it.  Do whatever the doctors say, we're all rooting for you!

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Dutchess62 and KayC

Thanks for your concern.

Let me go a little bit further in details. the hospital cath lab found no evidence of disease in my heart. This means my arteries are clear and flowing blood like they're supposed to my problem is the blood is not oxygenated, that is my thinking. They recommended me seeing a  cardio doctor. This is why I left Jackson and returned to Texas so I can see my local doctors . As stated in one of my earliest post that I have been living with heart disease, arrhythmias for quite some time now I don't know if this is a continuation of that or if I have something new going on. That's what the doctors are for . I am doing fine and there appears to be no apparent damage from the previous heart attack . I understand KayC But I hate putting Carla through this butt there is just no other way .

Autocharge

 

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17 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I hate putting Carla through this butt there is just no other way .

You're right.  You're already in it for the long haul.  Come what may.  But with no damage and clear arteries, I pray they can find a relief for the oxygenation...do let us know what the doctors day, okay?  You're in my prayers.

I guess it's not so much about what we go through on the journey as having someone to travel it with us.  You have someone, hold onto her and value her with every breath.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess it's not so much about what we go through on the journey as having someone to travel it with us.  You have someone, hold onto her and value her with every breath.

THIS ^^^^^ 

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You're right.  You're already in it for the long haul.  Come what may.  But with no damage and clear arteries, I pray they can find a relief for the oxygenation...do let us know what the doctors day, okay?  You're in my prayers.

Well It only took a month to see a cardiologist in the VA system. All they had to say was I had no underlying conditions and am at a extremely low risk for a hart attack .

Maybe It was dehydration and low oxygen due to the altitude that caused it. No new meds, just a fallow up  Eco test. No restrictions but I'm still hasn't about the high altitude thing. Easy enough to drink more water.

Wednesday I'm off to Waco to see the little league world series playoff games again. Should be in Waco for about a week.

Autocharge

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On 6/25/2019 at 11:38 AM, Autocharge said:

On the drive back , I was thinking of Carla she lost her husband of 25 years to a sudden heart attack and now here I am having heart problems again. I can't imagine the hell that I'm putting her through the stress and the sleepless nights. It made me start thinking what if she had got diagnosed with cancer how would I feel, the path that I could see. Is this what she is thinking, the path that she can see. We spend a lot of time trying to put ourselves back together to rebuild a life . Yet it can all disappear so quick again. I can't imagine starting the grief process again. 

What are we to do? Dang if we do and dang if we dont. It’s not fair.

I've read your story and I'm very proud of you and your journey. You have not given up and those memories and pictures of places you've been are very inspirational. 

I personally think you should not be worried and continue the same mindset you experienced prior as in not focusing on tomorrow and but living in the moment for today. Enjoying new memories with Carla. And being happy. It's easy to relaspe and you dread those bad times to resurface, nor put another through any pain when you both know what it's like. But that can also be beneficial as in now you can heal one another through past experience. 

All we have is one go in this lifetime. Live your life ,love your body,talk to your body and every part of it. Tell your body how grateful you to be the soul that connected with it. It has giving you so many years ,been thru thick and thin with you and you've seen it grow and change. Talk to your heart and tell it how grateful you are to it that it's been beating and pumping life into you daily. That it taught you love and affection. Touch your chess and take a moment to listen to your heart and feel yourself breath. Relax and feel all your body parts. Love each of them for their uses. 

Don't worry about the negative. Stay in good spirits because your journey was very welcoming to view and id love to see more of it. Autocharge 

And thank you for updating us on your journey. 

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@Joyr
Its good to read your new posts compared to last week.you are still very new to this but to see you help even newer members and take time to encourage older members does my heart good,it has refocused your energy in such a sweet way.
You got this girl.@Autocharge
Keep loving Carla,each time we find love changes us for the positive
You both had love once and to find it again is a joy and blessing.
To be open to new love is a special thing indeed.
Love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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1 hour ago, Billie Rae said:

@Joyr
Its good to read your new posts compared to last week.you are still very new to this but to see you help even newer members and take time to encourage older members does my heart good,it has refocused your energy in such a sweet way.
You got this girl.@Autocharge
Keep loving Carla,each time we find love changes us for the positive
You both had love once and to find it again is a joy and blessing.
To be open to new love is a special thing indeed.
Love to all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Thank you @Billlie I find it healing to learn and see different perspectives and not just my own. I've always felt a need to help others as that already something I tend to be drawn to do. Always .

But this has been the most rewarding for me and I'm going to do alot more. Just finding out how and when. For now I need to experience my grief and recognize what I'm feeling and others and then I can move to the next level and volunteer support for those not only on the forum but in church and other places. 

But that's when I'm in control of myself and my emotions. Thank you as well. I haven't really noticed how much I've been interacting. But for me I'm just so interested in the next post till I'm always waiting for something. Lol. 

I'm actually doing well today at work ,I would usually breakdown today. Glad it hasn't happened. 

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@Autocharge  That sounds like great news!  If anyone shouldn't have a heart attack, it's you!  You're active and it sounds like you live a fulfilling and busy lifestyle.  Keep going to those games and on those trips.  So glad you and Carla have each other to enjoy life with!

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@Autocharge  That sounds like great news!  If anyone shouldn't have a heart attack, it's you!  You're active and it sounds like you live a fulfilling and busy lifestyle.  Keep going to those games and on those trips.  So glad you and Carla have each other to enjoy life with!

Little league 2019 Waco

Edited by Autocharge
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I hope you're feeling better health wise. Continue living life to the fullest. 

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I recognize that @Autocharge that is where I was born and spent my first 18 years ! 

 I so rarely admit to being from Waco lol . I am glad you had a great time !

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I woke up last night and realized I had forgotten my would be 25th wedding anniversary. August 6th .

I'm sad that I forgot, I guess I didn't really forget because it didn't really happen. I will never get to have a 25th or 40th or 50th anniversary every. My one shot at it is gone now. I'm too old to reach those kind of mile stones now. Only those kind of people really know what they have got. I envy them. 

What else am I going to forget.......

Autocharge(moving forward "new normal")

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You haven't forgotten, you're thinking about it now...you were busy with your life in the ordinary everyday stuff, which is to be coveted.  It shows you have made good transition with your life.  Yeah, I'll never have those anniversaries either.  I envy people that too.

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@Autocharge  I am glad to hear you are doing better after the heart scare.  Dont feel too bad about forgetting a date...its something we all do. I actually had to look at husbands death certificate as I was messing up the date he passed.  How could I ever forget that date? We've been through so much...think our brains are never quite right after such a hard loss. Thinking of you. Jeanne

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Dutches62 - Do you ever see Chip and Joanna Gaines?  I have to ask.  Love them!

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While I was in Waco, I tried out my latest invention.

A portable Deck for my RV, and some Steps that I copied from "youtube". The unique thing about the deck is the saw horse's used. They have adjustable legs which help with uneven ground. You never know what the ground is going to be like when you set up camp in most places. As you can see it all packs down into almost nothing. It supports up to 2600 lbs per the specs on the saw horse's. Having a good Deck or porch makes RV living feel much better. I posted a youtube video on me setting it up, 12 min and only a rubber mallet needed. Also I have applied for a position in Florida " volunteer Game warden assistant" for the winter ( December to April). I should know for sure in October when they interview me.

Stay tuned for more adventures and inventions. LOL

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

 

 

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That's Awsome.
My next chapter will be traveling nurses in an rv as I was a semi driver for 16 years and miss the places in went.
I love your posts,they help me look forward[emoji307]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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19 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I love your posts,they help me look forwardemoji307.png

I think this is the unique and wonderful thing about autocharge's thread...as he finds good in life it shows us it can be done!

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She wasn't here to stope me.

She never would let me have a motorcycle, It wasn't the responsible thing to do while raising a family, she would say.

I probable wouldn't have one now if she was still here. Even though the kids are grown now. Carla said it wasn't her place to tell me what to do. "I can't believe you got it" said Carla.

Having all the responsibility , no equal partner to help with decisions , really is scary.

No one here to stop me anymore.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

 

 

1371876627_motorcyclepic1.thumb.jpg.90059b71a167d4e1d165b60ac131f571.jpg

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I am not against motorcycles...I have enjoyed riding the back of one although my jacket and chaps and helmet have sat idle for ten years now.  So long as you wear your PPE and drive carefully, it's all we can do to avoid accidents.  None of us are impervious to some calamity happening, it can happen in our car  just as well...we are more exposed in a motorcycle, yes, but who knows, maybe people look out for them more too?

Enjoy!  I'm with Carla, I never was one to tell my partner what to/not to do.  But don't think you have escaped a tongue wagging from her either, she might have given you one from heaven!  LOL  Her end message would be though, drive safe.  ;)

 

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This is a new High School Football stadium .

Everything is "Bigger and Better in Texas"  LoL

Also  I got referred to a civilian Cardiologist and after that visit I now have to get a CT scan of my heart. This Dr. is looking for something called "SCAD". So now I'm 

waiting on the VA system to approve the CT scan. This civilian Dr. is a lot sharper then the VA Doc in my opinion. 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

 

 

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20190927_184441_HDR.jpg.4cba02ef11bcecd04ea15b2a05bdc3c3.jpg

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Wishing you the best as they try to find what is going on, and praying they'll take care of it swiftly...do keep us posted, okay?

And yes, "bigger & better in TX"...my best friend is from TX and moved back there four years ago, I sure miss her!

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A very tough month again. Breast cancer awareness month. Its every ware.

20191004_185746_HDR.jpg.ba86ad15473636754645e34cf529a320.jpg

This was a small town football game. the little town isn't evan on most maps.

I still get angry when asked to donate. I want to lash out and say I'v donated more than anyone can ever imagine .

But I know they mean well and don't know anything about my past or situation . so I say " No thank's"

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

Why does it make you feel angry?

Because, Cancer killed my wife and there was nothing I could do to protect her.

I know this sounds sad, but I have always felt it to be my responsibility to protect and provide for my family. I know I didn't fail but I fell as if I did anyways.

Autocharge

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3 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Because, Cancer killed my wife and there was nothing I could do to protect her.

I know this sounds sad, but I have always felt it to be my responsibility to protect and provide for my family. I know I didn't fail but I fell as if I did anyways.

Autocharge

My husband just passed away 2 weeks ago from leukemia and I bought leukemia awareness bracelets (rubber ones) for his funeral. As I was buying them, 1 angry thought popped in my mind for a second, “why am I promoting leukemia awareness when leukemia took my husband from me?” The answer is, the more support, the more research, the closer we are to a cure. That way, hopefully one day in the future, someone won’t have to go thru what my husband went thru, and what my son and I are going thru right now. 

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1 hour ago, Jttalways said:

My husband just passed away 2 weeks ago from leukemia and I bought leukemia awareness bracelets (rubber ones) for his funeral. As I was buying them, 1 angry thought popped in my mind for a second, “why am I promoting leukemia awareness when leukemia took my husband from me?” The answer is, the more support, the more research, the closer we are to a cure. That way, hopefully one day in the future, someone won’t have to go thru what my husband went thru, and what my son and I are going thru right now. 

I understand and agree with you completely. I guess I get angry because in my past job , I was looked upon to fix things that were complex or near unfixable and I was good at it but cancer is not one of my specialties . It's in my nature to solve problems and I was unable to solve this problem for my wife. 

I have read your post and I understand the questions that are going through your mind for I too had to return to work  in order to keep the insurance turned on. I flew out and in less than 24 hours later my wife passed away. she was removed from my house and cremated before I could return. I never saw her body again. You see we were doing home hospice care, her hospital bed was next to our bed in our bedroom. I had gotten a special mattress for her so that it would auto rotate so that she wouldn't get bed sores. she had an oxygen machine next to her bed and every three hours  I would get up and check everything. Give her her medicine and help her mom with other stuff concerning her care. I was gone one night and she passed the next morning.

We cannot second-guess or dwell on that which we cannot control.  Good words to live by , even harder to do.

 

Autocharge

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11 hours ago, Autocharge said:

We cannot second-guess or dwell on that which we cannot control.  Good words to live by , even harder to do.

 

Autocharge

I am on a roller coaster of emotion and I find myself very angry at times. I am the only one in my family to lose a spouse at a young age. I often get angry and ask “why me?” “why my husband?” It’s silly because I know cancer affects people, families, & everyone everywhere. And there are a lot of other illnesses or accidents that causes someone to lose a loved one. Reading the experiences on here helps me to be less angry because then I don’t feel so alone. Thank you for sharing your experience.

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I understand your being angry with cancer, I am too (it just took my dog's life and he has been everything to me these past 10 1/2 years)...what I don't understand is the correlation between your anger and this picture of a football game, and being asked to donate.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I understand your being angry with cancer, I am too (it just took my dog's life and he has been everything to me these past 10 1/2 years)...what I don't understand is the correlation between your anger and this picture of a football game, and being asked to donate.

It's just for a second or a thought, depends on how you look at it.( It brings to mind that I couldn't solve the problem of cancer and that I/We lost our battle to it.)

All the decisions we made over the years concerning treatment, You know the old turn left or turn right decisions, For thinking and being told that we were" survivors "of breast cancer only for it to come back again and again and again over 16 years.

I say I get angry but I don't show it and no-one knows it but me. and this forum now. maybe angry is not the right word maybe "a nerve" is a better term.

Autocharge

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Okay, I guess I still don't see the correlation but then it hits us all differently and sometimes in ways unexpected, and we're left dealing with a raw nerve...

My MIL had breast cancer, she got a double mastectomy and we waited the next five years, holding our breath, as if the suggested five years was a marker for safety.  As she hit the five year mark we exhaled our breath finally...only for her to THEN get hit with cancer of the liver and bone...her bone broke, causing her to fall, which of course would never heal, and she spent the next three years bedridden as cancer claimed more and more of her body, her organs, and finally her very life.  I took care of her during this time, it was a very hard thing to go through, witness, yet also a special time that I cannot explain except that I would definitely do it all over again, she was a very special person.  I knew no one could ever fill her shoes.  I was so lucky to have had her in my life, but the loss is keenly felt, even all these 32 years later.

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On 10/14/2019 at 9:57 AM, KayC said:

. . . we waited the next five years, holding our breath, as if the suggested five years was a marker for safety. 

KayC,

For your MIL and those who loved her, I can only imagine how hard it was on you to make it to that 5 year winner's mark, to then be knocked down by the terrible news that the cancer was back.

Gail

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Gail,

I'm sorry that was you and John's experience.  I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been to think he was making it...only to lose him.

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My Health

I had my Doctor visit a day or two ago. All the test were completed this time. The results are that my arteries have held them selfies which is normal for people with SCAD. The Dr. said it confirmed his thoughts , so now I have SCAD(sudden coronary artery dissection)  . The most common treatment is heart medication and blood thinners. The sistics are that I have a 50% chance of a major heart attack in the next 10 years. I will be attending cardiac rehab soon. 

This means I will have to cut my time at Lake Whitney short this year. But I have no real restrictions and have applied for a six month stay up in Kencatchkan Alaska “Settlers Cove” for this summer season. 

I have keep Carla informed and involved throughout this ordeal. I even did an audio recording of my last Dr. appointment for her (my Ideal not hers). I have tried everything I can think of to lessen her worries about me. Remember she lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. She worries if I don't answer her text or phone calls in a relatively short period of time. There are times when I am busy or outside and don't hear my phone or dead battery. This causes her to worry. I wish it wasn't so. I’m not sure what else I can do about this. I can only imagine what I’m putting her through.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)


 

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I can understand her fears as I also lost my husband to a heart attack.  You are doing everything you can to allay her fears.  I don't know if they'd allow her to go in with you to the doctor but maybe if she had any questions of him she could ask at that time.

I'm super glad to hear you're going to rehab for it and giving yourself every good chance to LIVE.  I love your positive attitude and it can be contagious!

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jacqisonteam213

3 months ago i lost my friend to Rhabdomyosarcoma.
[IMG]
this friend was my age and I regarded him as a brother, we had a lot in common. I met him in band class, he played the trumpet ,I played the drums, which meant he was kinda near me .all throughout middle school I would sit at his lunch table ( its based on grade), in 9th grade we had the choice to start marching band (I knew from my older brother ) , he joins , I don’t cus I had a lot going on . in 10th grade I join, I’m in the pit and he still plays the trumpet (and is really good) .the kids in pit are mean to me, but he supports and helped me when I cried. in 11th grade he doesn’t come to band camp, I wonder why . I find out through my mom he has been diagnosed with it. I feel so bad for him, that Christmas I get a switch, school comes back AND HES BACK , it was just for a few months, not much , I tell him about my switch , his s hair was growing back , it was short and thin ( not the long thick hair he had) , he was in a wheelchair .we have cancer fundraisers ,he’s the subject of all of them . we have this thing called mini thon( like Penn states thon, a huge fundraiser for Four Diamonds) in May. he’s at it, he looks BAD, skinny, pale (for his tan skin) , and bald again I get to talk to him (still trying to) acting the same, chummy and happy). the school year ends. summer passes and he visits band camp but can’t do it. the year passes and we do more things at our school for him . then we graduate, AND HE GRADUATES, we get pictures together. summer and fall pass and in late April(this year) I do thon for my college I make a lantern for him for his fight, and for 3 other people who have cancer and the 2 who survived, my uncle passed earlier this year and I missed class for it. my college year ends on a ok note . summer passes , i hear through friends he’s doing bad . then just this saterday he dies in his sleep i find out through my parents . I AM DEVISTATED . This man was someone I considered as a brother, friend .goddamit cancer is a bitch can someone help me here? I don’t know how to deal with the pain .i never lost someone this close to me, except my great-grandma. I never lost someone this close to me in age too, only older. and miscarriages( my 2nd cousin) 

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@jacqisonteam213 I am sorry for your loss. Your friend was so young and fought so hard. I’ve said it many times on here that cancer is a motherf—er. It does not discriminate. I lost my husband 2 months ago. He was 35 and battled Leukemia for 1 year and 8 months. Prior to getting cancer, he was perfectly healthy. I don’t understand why some people get cancer and others don’t, I probably never will. I understand you are in shock and you’re going to feel like this for awhile. I am still in shock over my husband’s death and I don’t think I’ll ever truly believe it. My advice to you is to just take it one day at a time and allow yourself to grieve. Rely on friends and family for support. Do not be afraid to seek help if you need it. My prayers are with you.

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I lost my husband 14 1/2 years ago (heart attack), my mom 5 years ago (dementia), my sister 1 1/2 years ago (pneumonia), and my dog/companion 3 1/2 months ago (cancer).  I've had countless losses, friends, pets, parents, niece, nephew, grandparents, aunts, uncles, but the hardest were my husband and my recently lost dog.  I've also had three miscarriages, those were also very hard, although many years ago.  You are right about cancer  I still don't get why my sweet innocent dog had to suffer like that, he deserved a good long life, he was the best and I know there is no other his equal.  It leaves a hole in your heart and the pain feels continual.  You might say grief has become my life.

I just shared this article with someone, maybe it will be of help to you...https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

I hope this article I wrote might have something that resonates with you, these are the things I've found helpful over the years.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Life is so not fair.  Why do some get cancer and others don't?  Why do some respond to treatments and others don't?  Why does it always seem like the good ones are the ones to suffer?  These are all unanswerable questions.  Why your friend?  Why my husband?  Why a baby?  Again, unanswerable and so unfair.  I wish I had some magic words to ease your pain, I don't.  18 months into this, the waves still crash over me without warning, I guess they always will.  But, there are also pinpoints of light that shine through every now and then.  Days where I feel grateful for the incredible love and friendship I found in my husband.  Days where the memories aren't so painful I can't go there and I find myself smiling over something he did or said.  Give yourself time and patience.  One day, I can't tell you when, you will see that pinpoint of light and hopefully smile over what a great person he was and how lucky you were to have had that relationship. 

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1 hour ago, jacqisonteam213 said:

but why was his cancer so brutal . he was in a wheelchair

Cancer IS just brutal.  My husband went from a big strong prison guard to also being in a wheelchair, unable to breathe without oxygen.  It is so hard to watch someone you care about suffer.  I'm sorry you are going through this at such a young age. 

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jacqisonteam213

@Rhonda R he went from a marching band and track MVP to barely being able to stand for a picture. it was so hard to see.he had so much energy . what helps me go forward is at least hes not in pain anymore. and wow prison guard. any stories he told you about it? 

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He didn't have to, I work there too.  I saw him in action every day.  He was a member of the Special Operations Response Team.  He was a member of the squad.  All they do is roam around all day long and respond to emergencies.  Fights, medical, staff assaults, suicides...you name it.  We worked out together every day on our lunch break.  I ran and he lifted weights.  It's where we became best friends and fell in love.  He proposed to me outside the front doors on one knee.  Coming back here after his death was so incredibly painful for me.  He's around every corner. 

I am also glad Randy isn't struggling anymore.  It bothered him so much that he couldn't even walk to his appointments.  This was a man who was counted on by prison to stop major conflicts and now his wife has to push him around in a wheel chair.  I know exactly what you are talking about. 

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jacqisonteam213

just curious is it anything like orange is the new black? i know , stupid question . it’s so cool though. so i also have another question? are there prisoners who are allergic to foods in the prison? if so what do they do about it?

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