Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Wishing for resolution


guava679

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My partner of six years and I broke up eight months ago and ended communication two months after that. I still loved him deeply, but needed time away to understand how to deal with his alcoholism and issues with depression.

He called several weeks before the accident/suicide, but was drunk and I did not call him back. The guilt I feel is unbelievable. The pain is worse. Having him completely gone from the Earth just seems unbearable most days. I would give anything to talk to him one more time.

Reading the stories and sentiments here has given me a sense of community that I really needed. I am in counseling, which is useful, but seeing what other people are dealing with has been helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Guava:

I am so sorry for your loss, but I just wanted to say that you did the right thing by not calling him back.  I am in a relationship with an alcoholic (recovering x 6 years).  He would say that you did the right thing if your goal was to help him to recover from his addiction.  Unfortunately, the outcome was not a good one...but it truly had nothing to do with your not calling him.  I hope you can believe that.

I know what you mean by wishing that you could have just one more conversation...just one more.  But, you know, that wouldn't be enough either.  Then, we'd want one more after that.

Maybe we can have that conversation when we meet them again in heaven?

Karen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Guava-  I can understand your pain. Me and my husband were together for 18years and Last July 06' I left him due to him using Meth and drinking heavily. We tried to work things out several times. He went into rehab and I fully supported him. When he got out I thought we would make it through this mess, but I was wrong we still fought cuz his dealer was living on our property and he wouldnt have him move out so me and his children could come home. He ended up with congestive heart failure and was constantly in and out of the hospital, with me by his side (everytime) hoping for him to see how much I loved him. But he said I didnt cuz I wouldnt come home the fight was always the same I would come home if the dealer left. never happened. Then we were talking really well again and of course I got my hopes up that we could work this out. He went into the hospital again told me there was stuff he needed to tell me but wouldnt cuz he said I would never come back to him. The next night he was gone. While laying in the hospital bed talking and him saying he loved me he passed away. I found out the next day that he was back using meth and had been for several months and that he had some girl forge my name on a home loan, that I am now stuck with paying. We parted that night on sweet terms but by the next day I was so angry with him for going before I could yell at him. There are days that I feel like I hate him and days where I just want him here to hold me. But Karen is right, I had said I wished I had a chance to have a better goodbye, but there is never the right goodbye. And if they were still here it would still be the same issue's. My daughter told me the other night that she deeply misses her dad but at the same time she is kinda happy that the fighting and him doing the things he did to me are over. It was so sad to hear cuz for most of the 18 yrs it was good but right now she just remembers the hell. It was 6mo yesterday since Al passed and I just cant believe it. Wow I sure have babled alot. Sorry ladies but I just didnt want you to think you were alone.

Take care

Amber

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Guava and Amber:

Our losses are so deep, and our loved ones that have passed were so troubled in life.  They are at peace now, but we are still so restless, wondering what we could have done to change things.  But, the harsh truth is, there is nothing we could have done.  They were battling their own demons.  The best we can do is honor their memories and the love we shared with them...so many bittersweet memories.  So many things unresolved that it complicates our grief.  But I believe, in my heart of hearts, that loving someone so deeply, even with the complications and the pain, speaks to who we are.  We are capable of so much love and we will meet them again.  I have not been a religious gal for a long, long time, but now, I am a spiritual being.  I know that Richard is with me.  He had such a great impact on my life and I am forever changed for knowing him.  I want to slap him around a bit for not being perfect, but I know he loved me and that is an awesome gift to receive. 

Our men...they loved us and they want us to be happy.  Our task is to find our way out of this grief and live.  We are still alive and we must go on as much as we sometimes do not want to.  Others depend on us, especially our children.  We lead by example. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow...Richard is so deeply on my mind.  He loved the holidays and tomorrow, I must pull it together for my children.  They do not even know the strength this will take, but I will think of him every moment....remember him carving the turkey last Thanksgiving, his place at the table filled with his memory, but not his physical presence.

Oh my, I'm losing it now.  I miss him so much.

Ahhhh...if only.

Karen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh this  is a really tough one for me I said on one of the other post that my husband and I had a fight in July and I was so ready to move out and end everything with him we were going to celebrate 26 years in August. That night I had to take him to the emergency room he could  not move  his right  arm and pain in his back was so bad. After we got home that night we talked for a long time (up until the beging of September we did not know how  sick he really was) but he never ever told me that he was sorry or acepted my "I'm sorry" for what I had done and said.

And in September we found  out that he had bone cancer that was in his right arm, on his spin, the right jaw area, and around the left orbit area, he would never talk to me about it would not tell what he was feeling nothing. I so wish that we could have talked and he would have told me everything.

We have a good friend who lost her husband in July before I lost Randy in October she came to see him in the hospital one day while I was running erans and he told her that she needed to make sure that I would be ok and to make me go home at night and sleeo in my own bed he told her that he reall loved me and didn't want me to get myself sick taking care of him-she told him no she would not make me go home but she would make sure I got through what I needed to. But why couldn't he tell me any of this WHY!

While I had him at home till he passed I spent every waking minute of the day right beside him in his bed her at home and I told  him I loved him and would just lay with him. Then on the Wednesday before he passed on Friday he  got very very mean with me tried to get out of bed when he could not stand up was fight with me and they was not Randy he never laid a hand on me or got that mad He thought I was trying to kill him and that if he didn't leave I would I had to get the hospis nurse to get him a shoot and my son came to try to cailm him down but that was the last time he spoke to me and that is just so hard to get out of my mind I would never have hurt him or let anyone else do that I Loved him and I still do. People just tell me it was all the meds he was on but that still hurt.

I guess I need to stop ramblin and try to get some sleep.

Thanks Lela

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I really like this topic because I think everyone can relate to getting in a fight or leaving on poor terms and such. My boyfriend and I had been fighting for just over a week (we had just moved in toether). I dont even know why we were fighting. I think i was jsut annoyed he wasn't un packing his stuff and it was all over our apt. and i pretty much had to do it all. mess's stress me out. and i was nervous about livin with him having never lived with a boyfriend before. i wanted to make peace so i finished un packing all his stuff organized it all including all his files for school and stuff. I just wanted to give him a hug and say sorry for whatever it was we were fighting about. He msg'd me from work and said he was going to the bar with his friends that night and i was so angry with him yet again cuz i just wanted to see him.. he didnt come home that night- his mom called me from work and told me he died. i just wish i could have said sorry and given him a hug. i regret it every single day. the thing that makes it so much worse is i went through the same thing with my dad. we got in a fight when i was 15 cuz i was late geting out of work and he wasnt feeling well and waiting for mei n the car. he died the next morning. i hate knowing that the 2 ppl who i loved in my life and died i never got to say sorry to or i love u or anything. i was to busy being angry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.